~chapter twenty-two~
christmas
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 when you're tired of working
like a slave

"Help me with this Kai" his mom said quietly. Her voice was sad and tired. Kai went to her and jerked his head up because she was standing on the ladder. She handed him a small, red bauble and started to tie some ribbon on the Christmas tree.

"Have you checked if the lights works?" Kai asked, looking for the plug. 
"Of course I did" his mom answered, wiping her cheek lightly. "Ahh, my arms hurts" 

Kai plugged the lights but nothing happened. He glanced at him mom. She didn't realize that something was wrong. He touched a few bulbs and squeezed the electrical outlet, but the lights didn't work. He sighed. 

"Mom, lights doesn't work" he admitted, putting his hands to the pockets of his jeans. 
"Nonsense, they must work" the woman mumbled. "Move them around a little". 

Kai did. They for a few seconds and then turned off again. 

"Mom, no one will sit here to hold the cable in the air so the lights will work" he said. "We have to buy the new ones"
"Jongin..."
"Buy new what?" Kai heard. He turned to face his father and showed him the plug. 
"Christmas lights. These doesn't work" he answered. 
"Do you think that we don't have any other expenses?" his father asked, pushing him away from the plug and taking it in his hands. He started moving it around. "It works" he said in the second the lights .
"But..."
"Well we don't need some stupid Christmas lights. The tree is pretty anyway" he said, standing up. "Right honey?" he asked his wife with a soft voice. She nodded and smiled. 
"Sure"

Kai's eye twitched, but he didn't say a word.

"Also, get on the ladder and help your mom" his dad mumbled at him and exited the room. Kai glanced at his mother. His eyes were empty and moved anxiously. 
"You're such a liar" he finally said and turned away to go to his room. 

A week passed very quickly. Kai bought the Christmas presents for his friends and decorated the tree together with Taemin and Suho. Christmas Eve was in two days and he was looking through some recipes in the internet with Suho. 

"This one looks good" Kai said, his lips. Suho laughed at him. 
"We don't have a round baking form" his hyung answered. 
"Are you sure that you want to spend Christmas with us? Don't you want to see your mom?" Kai asked. 
"I told you already, I will visit them the day after" Suho smiled. "Christmas Eve is going to be great. I'm happy that everybody wanted to come" 
"I was quite surprised though" Kai stated. "Look, this one?" 
"Oh!" Suho made a surprised sound and took the mouse from his younger friend, reading the recipe. Kai chuckled. 
"Maybe you should invite Rae Jin?" Kai asked. "That was her name, right?" he made sure, frowning. 
"Yeah, I invited her, but she already had plans" Suho answered. His voice became sad. "She doesn't like me, I can see it. Looks like her heart belongs to someone else already" 

Kai's heart clenched. 

"I'm sorry hyung" he said. 
"Don't worry about it, I'm not a little kid anymore"
"You just didn't..."
"I know, I know" Suho laughed. "Wait, I will take the photo of this one" he pulled out his phone.

The next days the tree of them prepared the house. Taemin was mostly cleaning, but in the end he was running from shop to shop looking for ingredients, because Kai said that he's making even bigger mess when he's trying to clean. The atmosphere was nice. Snow was falling all the time. After they finished cleaning and cooking most of the food, they went out to make a snowman; they came back completely wet after a snow fight. And they forgot to make snowman's arms. 

Kai laid on his bed and started at the ceiling. He did this quite a lot lately. He wasn't thinking about anything in particular, but suddenly his thoughts drifted to the Christmas tree and then to his mom. 

She was always tired and sad. He was always angry and malcontent. She was sad because of his father, he was mad because she didn't do anything to remind his dad that they're family. She was tired because both her husband and son were so far away from her, and he was malcontent because he only knew how to nag and fight with his mother for doing nothing. Their relationship changed a lot after his dad started beating him up.

But right now he missed her.

He heard a knock on his door. Suho entered his room and waved his phone in the air. 

"Have you seen my recharger?" he asked with a grimace. Kai shook his head. "You sure?" Suho repeated. 
"Yeah, I'm sure" Kai sat on his bed. "You have to call someone?" 
"Yeah, I need Chen to get me something from the cafe" Suho explained and want to leave the room, but Kai called him. 
"Use mine" he said, stretching out his arm to get his cell phone. His hyung sighed and took it from him.
"Thanks. I can't find that damn recharger" he cursed. He frowned his browse when seeing the screen. "Who is Mari?" he asked. Kai glanced at the screen. He forgot to close the message he got from her. 

What's so great about it? I hate cleaning. I'm glad that I'm spending Christmas with Jinki because I don't have to clean.

It was out of context, but it still interested Suho. 

"Now I see why did you get so happy lately" he said. Kai blinked and glanced at him. 
"What?"
"She must be really special huh?" Suho smiled widely. At first Kai wanted to deny his words, but he shut his mouth and nodded quickly. 
"Yeah, she's... I like her quite a lot" he answered. 
"Tell me" Suho frowned his brows and looked at him with seriousness. "What was Sang Hee's favourite colour?" he suddenly asked, completely taking Kai aback. The boy stuttered. 
"Why are you asking me this?" he mumbled. 
"Just answer"

Kai fell deep in thoughts. 

"I don't remember" he said. Suho smiled. "Why are you asking me that?" 
"It's nothing" his hyung giggle. Kai opened his eyes even widely. 
"What the  hyung?" he spat. "Just call Chen quickly" he added, waving a resigned hand at him. Suho laughed. 
"That's a good sign you know" he said. Kai glanced at him with the corner of his eyes and went to open the window for a few seconds. He felt hot all of a sudden. 

Suho made his call and gave him the phone back. 

"You should treasure her" he said.
"Hyung, we're not going out or anything" 
"Do you like her?"
"What?" Kai shook his head. He was wondering if he misheard that. 
"I'm asking if you love her" 
"I... no" Kai said, almost spat, as if it was the most incorrect suggestion he ever uttered. And he wondered why’d his heart clench so painfully. He swallowed hard. 
"Kai" Suho patted his shoulder. "If you like her, don't let her go. And don't stop your feelings just because you're scared of loving someone. The chance of the person you love to love you back is very small. But if you got that chance, then you're the luckiest person in the world" 

Kai looked at him and found sadness in his eyes. 

"Not every person can be as lucky as you. Past doesn't matter. What is now is the most important" his hyung said. 
Kai nodded, but his mind was blank. 

"You shouldn't give up either" he suddenly said. "Just because she doesn't like you now doesn't mean that she can't like you in the future. You're the best partner she can probably get. You should fight for her. You deserve this"

Suho was dumbfounded, but laughed a second later. He pulled Kai into a hug, surprising him. He patted his back. 

"Thanks, Kai" he said. "Maybe I should" 
"Definitely! Go and fight for her" 
"You go and fight for her too" 

Kai's heart clenched. His throat became dry. He didn't know why. Suho smiled at him and exited his room. 

Kai sat on the bed and hid his face in his hands, breathing out loudly. His heart was aching. Sang Hee's face was now in his mind. He couldn't get her out. He couldn't get out the sadness and the feeling of being unwanted. Being not good enough. 

~*~

Christmas came in all its light-ish, holiday-ish grace, with Christmas trees in every shop, dressed-up Santas on the streets, cookies and toys on shop’s displays and that entire loving and caring atmosphere. But, to be honest, the only thing Kai wanted the most in the world (especially when he saw Taemin wearing a Santa hat) was for Christmas Eve to end already.

And of course, as always, Taemin could see his bad mood, but he blamed Kai’s laziness and continuous rush for this. He assumed that his best friend was simply tired of running errands and meeting old colleagues on the streets (which he did very frequently, and no one that Taemin knew better that Kai got a bit antisocial during past three years). So he stopped asking him after the third time, when Jongin scoffed at him and said probably the most sarcastic sentence ever made by him, leaving Taemin’s mouth opened agape.

And he thought that they’ll spend Christmas Eve in peace and great atmosphere. Everything pointed at it.

But the truth was that Kai was fighting with himself in his mind. He lately realized that his mind was his prison and he started wondering how could mute people live with all the thoughts and memories and all that trapped inside them with no legit way out. In the moment Christmas came, he felt like he has just gone mute, and there was no option for him to learn the sign language.

He sighed deeply into the cold air, listening to the city’s sounds and watching the stars. He heard steps beside him and he turned. He smiled when he saw Mari, squeezed tightly with a scarf.

“Not quite fond of coldness, huh?” he asked. He could swear that one of the padlocks in his prison of mind clicked open when she smiled, her cheeks flushed. She had to pull her scarf down a bit to get her chin out of it and be able to speak.
“Had to get used to it” she stated. “I got something for you” she added quickly and pulled out a little pack from her coat. Kai’s eyes widened with surprise. He looked at the green wrapping, then at the girl, and at the present again, before he pulled his hand out and took it from her, brushing his fingers over her cold hands.
“What is it?” he asked.

Mari rolled her eyes. “Aren’t you supposed to find out yourself? By opening it or something?”

Kai chuckled lightly and unwrapped the paper. He was surprised to see…

He didn’t really know what he was seeing.

He frowned and raised a brow at Mari. She was biting her lip and laughed after seeing his loss of words. She came closer and pulled the thing out of the wrapping, touching Kai’s fingers again.

“It’s a bookmark” she said. “You put it like this in a book, and the angel stays out”

Kai opened his mouth widely and his heart fluttered suddenly. It was pure delight that build up his chest. He took the bookmark from her, looking at the little angel in the end. (x)

“It’s beautiful” he said honestly. “Thank you” he added, looking up at her. Mari smiled.
“Merry Christmas” she said. And it was so pure and so innocent that Kai completely forgot that it was the same sentence his dad used every year on the Christmas Eve to celebrate the fact that he could beat him up to a pulp.

They were staring at each other for quite a long time before Kai felt embarrassed and scratched the back of his head. “I, uh… I got a present for you too. But I assumed that I’ll give it to you tomorrow, on Christmas Eve…” he said. Mari raised her brow with a smirk. Really, Kai?, she seemed to ask sarcastically, and Kai shook his head. “I’m telling the truth, I really prepared something for you” he started, but the red haired laughed. Before he could explain himself or made a complete sentence out of his babbling, she shrugged and sighed.

“I know” she said into the air. “But I don’t want you to give it to me” she added. Kai shot his head up.
“What? Why?” he asked.

She shuffled on her feet. “Just… I don’t know, I don’t want to…”

“Have a debt?” Kai asked really skeptically. She opened to answer for that, but decided not to.
“I gotta go” she said quickly. Their eyes met. “I won’t be home tomorrow, as you already know. So…”

Kai nodded once. But there was still something he wanted to ask her for before she could go. So he pulled out his phone and waved it in front of her.

“Can you just wait another ten minutes?” he asked. “I’ve got something to do?” he didn’t know how it turned out to be a question, but he earned this little spark in Mari’s eyes that he liked to see so much and she beamed at him.
“Ten minutes is perfect” she answered, almost jumping at her feet. Kai was gulping down his emotions in the same time, trying not to shake too much as he walked towards the bench. Mari sat beside him and looked at his phone.

Kai’s finger was hovering above the green button right beside the name of the contact, which was MOM. He took a deep breath and Mari waited patiently until he could do that. She tangled her arm with his, and they both found it incredible comfortable. Jongin put the cell to his ear and waited. One signal, two, three. The fourth signal stopped halfway and he heard his mom’s tired voice.

“Hello?” she asked. Kai freaked out a bit. His mouth went dry, his vision went blur, and cold sweat covered his hands. But Mari didn’t mind it as she took his hand in his, tangling their fingers together and squeezing it in a reassuring and cheering manner.
“Uh” Kai finally got out of his clasped throat. Mari giggled quietly, quite amused by him. Because she knew that it’s going to be okay anyway.
“Hello? I can’t hear you” his mom said, her voice curious and worried.
“I-“ Kai said, and he could literally see his mom freezing on the other line. He remember her face, her touch and scent, and another padlock in his mind opened up. His tense body gave up and his stress also gave up. Everything was gone in one moment and he made a face as if he’s forgot about something important and was pissed at himself. Or as if someone just said something really stupid on the other side on the phone and he nodded at it impatiently. Mari saw this change and squeezed closer to him.

“Hi mom” he finally said, sore smile spreading on his face.

~*~

It took more than ten minutes actually. And Mari stayed with him all the way through. She stayed and listened to both Kai’s and his mom’s voices, trying to figure out what was happening between them. She realized that they had some kind of a code, since they were braiding random sentences into full conversations. When Kai found out everything he wanted to know – how is his mom doing (“fine”), who is coming to the Christmas Eve (“her sister with her children and grandparents”) and if she’s okay (“Yes, yes, the snow is terrible. But I remember that the last Christmas was even scarier, it was almost impossible to go shopping!”), he hung up with a single “Bye”.

At first Mari thought that he’s dozing off, then she thought that he’s going to just stand up and go, and then she saw all the possible emotions wave through his eyes like one giant tsunami and he was up, whimpering and holding his head, and walking around like a hyperactive kid who surely needed some Adderall. She wasn’t exactly surprised when he slipped and almost fell in the middle of the path.

“Calm down” she said soothingly, wrapping her arm around his wrist. “Kai, you okay?”

He looked at her, terrified.

Mari’s eyes widened at the sudden shock. Because she could swear at that moment that she had never seen such sad eyes. They were screaming for help. There were no tears, but there was overpowering panic and fear in them.

“Kai, what’s wrong?” she asked shakily, cupping his head in her hands suddenly and Kai closed his eyes, frowning at her touch and putting his own hands on hers. “She sounded fine. She said that she’s fine” he added quietly. “Why are you so scared?”

“You don’t understand” he said. “She said that it’s bad. It’s worse than ever. I-“

Mari tried to figure it out, but couldn’t. Her eyes were restless.

“I have to get her” Kai said without a single note of hesitance in his voice. His fingers brushed over Mari’s hands as he took it off from his face and he was running away.

Mari was standing there, dumbfounded, tried to understand, and she only understood that he had to go save his mom. And she smiled, because she knew that he was doing the right thing and that whatever he has done in the past will be forgiven anyway, had been forgiven a long time ago. She just hoped that it will be okay. She hoped that nothing bad will happen. She hoped that Kai knew what he was doing. She still had no idea how did he find out that his mom was in danger; but their conversation was weird anyway. It was as if his mom was talking to her neighbor. About weather and stuff.

And it occurred to Mari that it could’ve really been their code.

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YOU GUYS ARE HONESTLY INCREDIBLE.
Thank you so much for putting up with my absence and lack of chapters. I'm incedible gratful that you stayed with me and you still want to read this fic. My summer vacation just started (yay) so it means I have more time to write, which means that I'll try to finish this fic in the next two months (if I can of course). 

I just want to say that the action just started and now it will all fall on them and all. And it will start in the moment Kai will go get his mother back. So stay tuned! I hope that I'll be able to write the next chapter quickly.

Thank you so much for your patience, you're the best.