What happened in the previous chapters (because there was a big break between them):

- Kai decided that he will protect Mari somehow; she was his gentle breeze and he wanted her to be free again.
- The gang’s boss told his subordinates to follow her everywhere and stalk her, but without talking to her.
- Kai met Sang Hee’s old friend; she asked him about where Sang Hee is, but Kai got mad and got out of the café; he met Mari right after, but it was quite unfortunate for him – the girl was startled and used one of the karate moves she learned from her friend. Kai hit the ground.
“I was just defending myself!” she said with a high pitched voice.
“Next time you will, check who is it first!” Kai answered, pointing at the road.
- “Kai knew nothing about her, and he wanted to help her. He didn’t know about her money troubles, about her relationship with her family, or any of her business. When she was with him, she was somehow free of her past.
That was exactly it; with him, she was in present, but her past wasn’t involved with it. When she was looking at her friends, who talked to her about her brother, or father, she was always stuck in the memories. But Kai was new to her.”
- Kai proposed, that he will be Mari’s bodyguard; she didn’t want that, but in the end, she agreed without a word and have him her number.
- “He was always walking a bit crooked. Like some unbelievable weight was pulling him down.”
- Kai got involved with Mari’s job and got to babysit children with her.
- “Mari thought that he was supposed to meet her and satisfy his curiosity, but instead of that, he only made her curious about him.”
- “Right now she realized how handsome he was and wondered why he hasn’t got a girlfriend.”
- “I just feel good being with you. That’s all. Just… let me be with you.
Mari nodded simply.”
- Mari could feel someone’s presence while walking all the time.

 ~chapter fifteen~
grief
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Who will love you?
Who will fight?

Kai watched Sang Hee making breakfast. She was moving slowly, gracefully, beautifully. Strands of hair were touching her cheeks and bare neck. Kai could only stare, with an urge to touch her, to hug her. But in the same time, he wanted her to be gone.

When she finished making scrambled eggs, she put the plate in front of him and stopped her eyes on his intense stare.

“What?” she asked, smiling shortly and then looking at him with curiosity. Kai blinked slowly and his hand moved by itself. He put it on her hip and she glanced at his hand with a glim of surprise. Then, she put both of her hands on his shoulders.

Kai smiled, for the first time in some time. She smiled too, because it was rare lately. She chuckled and leaned closer, Kai pulling her as well. He touched her neck with his nose and smelled her fresh scent. He kissed her skin delicately. Sang Hee kissed his head and pulled away, just to lean closer and kiss him on the lips. Kai felt her sweetness, softness and warmth and his head spun painfully.

He kissed her back, but his mind warned him suddenly.

She doesn’t love you anymore.

Kai took a deep breath and pulled away, but his hands remained on her hips. Sang Hee took one of them and tangled their fingers together. She pulled it up and touched her cheek with Kai’s hand, kissing it in the next moment.

“Kai…?”

“Why are you still doing this to me?” Kai asked, looking up at her. Sang Hee froze. She felt a painful throb in her heart and she wanted to run away. But she wasn’t able to move. She looked into his pained eyes. “Why are you still lying to me? Pretending to have any feelings to me?” he added. He finally let go of her. She remained in her spot.

“I have… feelings for you, Kai” she whispered with tears in her eyes.

“You are trying to convince yourself” he spat. “You are lying to yourself as well, not only to me. Why, Sang Hee? Why did you even come back here?” he stood up from his chair and looked at her. Sang Hee was hiding behind her long hair, feeling overwhelmed with his height and wide shoulders.

“You lied to everybody, didn’t you?” he whispered. “You are always lying. To take what you want, to have everything for yourself. And when you already have it, you want more, and more. But you never give anything from yourself. That’s why it has no sense. That’s why you can’t find anybody who will love you in the way you want him to love you. I gave you everything. I gave you my time, my heart, all of my feelings. I cared. But you never gave me anything back. You are like a doll. You are there, I can see you, I can touch you, but I can’t really have you. Because you are still waiting for someone better” Kai whispered, first tear appearing in his eyes.

He slowly woke up and found himself in the living room. TV was on and some voices were heard in the background. The light in the room was dim and it was sultry. He sat on the sofa and looked around.

After he ended working, he decided to go home and sleep. And like this, he has been sleeping for four hours and he felt really good. But his dream came back to him and his heart clenched.

At first, he really was sad. But then, he was only angry.

He heard a knock on the doors and frowned. He walked to the corridor and opened them without checking who is it. He laughed, when he saw Suho standing on the stairs with his bag and a wide smile on his face.

~*~

“So your mom is better now?” Kai asked, sipping coke. Suho was blowing to make his tea cooler. He nodded energetically and smiled widely. Kai missed this.
“She’s actually very healthy. The doctors say that there’s nothing to worry anymore. And I can go back to studying and working” he explained.
“I’m glad then” Kai patted his shoulder and Suho beamed.
“How have you been?” he asked.
“Good. I have been sleeping a lot lately”
“That’s something new!” Suho said, shocked, but really happy. “But without me you probably didn’t eat anything, did you?”
“I visited Xiumin everyday” Kai said, smiling and showing his teeth. Suho chuckled.
“You look good” he nodded. “How’s Taemin?”
“I’m not seeing him much”
“He’s working hard huh?”
“Of course”

There was a pause between them, and Suho sighed suddenly.

“What about you? Are you really going to… work in the library for the rest of your life?” he asked. Kai only shrugged and got up to get more coke. But in reality, he wanted to avoid any conversation about this.

Suho understood, but felt disappointed. He sighed again and sipped his tea.

“Bring me some cookies” he said to the kitchen. Kai came back with a pack of biscuits in his hand.

They sat and didn’t talk for a few minutes again. Kai was focused on the snow dancing in the light of street lamp and Suho was munching on cookies in a deep thoughts.

“You know” he said suddenly. Kai already knew this tone and looked at him with fear in his eyes. “I know that you don’t like to talk about this. I know that you will probably get mad and… you know…”
“Just say it” Kai said, but he was vexed. He took a cookie too.
“When my mom got sick…” Suho started. “I realized how easy it is to lose somebody” he looked straight at Kai. “And if we… if you won’t use the time we have for the people that care for us, there’s a big possibility that we won’t be able to… To be with them. And if something like this happens, you will regret that you weren’t there with them when you could” he said, observing his dongsaeng carefully. Kai was staring blankly at the table. After a minute, he raised his eyes. They were a bit teary, but he was rather mad.
“What are you talking about, Hyung?” he asked.
“I’m talking about your parents, Kai” Suho sighed.
“I already told you that I have nothing to do with them” he said through clenched teeth.
“I know that you hate them. But think about it. Is it really worth living like that?”
“Hyung, you don’t know anything” Kai said normally and got up. “And you were right, I will get angry and all” he added. “If you don’t know a thing, then why are you still lecturing me? Do you think that I need your stupid advices? I wasn’t born in a perfect family, with perfect relationships and with perfect people around me. I’m not like you” he spat with anger, making Suho froze completely.

Kai threw his glass to the sink and went to the corridor, putting on his shoes and jacket.

“Kai!” Suho shouted, when he was leaving the house. He cursed under his breath. A bang was heard.

~*~

Kai kicked the trash bin and everything fell on the melted snow. Some kids and a couple looked back at him, making faces. And he really didn’t care.

He sat on the bench and tried to calm himself down. He was shuffling his legs all the time while sitting.

After a while, his mother’s face appeared in his mind and he looked at the sky, remembering her voice
and calming moves. She liked to his hair. And she was always buying him sweets. She was kind and sweet, when his father was rough and demanding.

He really wanted to see his mom. He felt guilty all of a sudden.

It wasn’t a small wave of guilt, but a big one. His heart became heavy, his breath increased and his eyes widened.

Kai’s body was burning. He was breathing with difficulty. His skin on the stomach and on the legs was covered with red stripes. Everything hurt. But his heart hurt the most.
He danced again, and he got what he wanted.
But how can he stop? How can he stop when every time he hears music, his legs moves by themselves?
He heard his mom’s demanding, but scared voice. Then, his father shouted. He heard a slap and he could easily recognize that sound. The sound
of his father’s hand hitting a skin.
He shivered and panicked. He got up and ran out of his room, even though it was very difficult for him to move. He heard his mother whimpering and gasping.

“Mom!” he shouted, when he entered the living room. His father shot him an angry look.
“Can’t get enough?” he growled. Kai shivered, but looked at his mom. She was looking at him too, with teary eyes. Her cheek was really red, with a bruise. Her lips were cracked, blood was dripping from them.
“Go to sleep honey” she said, almost begging.

Kai saw hesitance in his father’s eyes, but then the man took a step closer to him and Kai got scared. He whimpered and glanced at his mom once again.

“Go” she repeated, waving her hand.

He opened his eyes.

His heart was heavy. His throat clenched.

He left her. With him. And he didn’t call her, didn’t send a letter, didn’t ask how she is. He didn’t do anything. He abandoned her, even though she loved him more than anyone probably did.

He leaned down and took his head between his hands.

After a few minutes, he glanced at the trash bin he kicked earlier and got up. He took all the trash and put it in the bin with a sigh.

~*~

Mari was walking very fast. She got lost in her thoughts to the extent that she forgot where she’s going. But no matter which road or way she took, or where she turned – she felt a pair of eyes on her back. She probably never felt as weird and startled as now, in that weird, mysterious way. Every time she turned, she saw nobody. When she was on a crowded street, no one similar appeared behind her. She looked at the roofs and into the shadows, but every time, she saw nothing.

She found herself in the center of the city. Sounds of cars passing by, whispering and shouting didn’t help at all. She was looking for something to hang on, because she literally felt as she’s falling, and at the bottom, a beast is waiting for her with opened jaws.

She entered the park and heard the river flowing beside her. She stared at the lights on the other riverside. The city looked beautifully in the night, especially when it was snowing like now. She got lost in that sight and her eyes softened. The snow was cracking under her shoes.

She then turned her head and pouted, when she saw a familiar silhouette, kneeling on the snow and collecting rubbish from the ground. She snorted and laughed loudly, making Kai jump and fall on his back. He looked at her and on his teeth.

“Yah!” he shouted, growling. He continued to collect the rubbish.

“Are you a dustman now?” Mari asked, getting closer to him. She leaned to see him from up and observe his fingers. Kai got angry and stood up a little bit too fast. The blood flew to his brain a bit too fast. Mari only saw his head getting closer to her nose and took a step back to avoid collision, but the boy leaned and hovered above her, almost falling. She got scared and whimpered quietly. Kai shook his head. The girl saw snowflakes falling from his head. He was so close that she felt his breath on her cheek.

“Sorry” he said, taking a step back. It looked like he didn’t realize.

Mari swallowed hard. Her heartbeat increased. That was weird.

That’s because you don’t have many contacts with boys, she thought to herself.

“What were you doing?” she asked.
“I kicked the bin and everything fell out” Kai shrugged. He kicked the snow, covering smaller rubbish that he couldn’t collect. He got some snow into his hands and started cleaning them. His fingers got red.
“That will hurt” Mari said simply. Kai hid his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
“Not really” he answered. “What are you doing? Aren’t you working?”
“I have a day off from babysitting. I start at 8.30 at the other job” Mari looked at him and frowned. “Are you okay?” she asked. The boy glanced at her.
“Wae?” he asked, sitting on the bench. The red haired joined him, looking at the river.
“You look worried. Want to talk about it?”

Kai hummed deeply. Mari looked surprised and felt a hint of hope in her heart.

“You can tell-“
“What do you do” Kai started, interrupting her. “When pangs of conscience get you?”
“It depends on the type” Mari answered in wonder. “Why do you feel guilty?”
“I left somebody. I knew that that person will have a very hard time, and still, I left… that person. What do I do to get rid of this guilt?”
“You can’t just get rid of it” Mari said, snorting. “You can’t get rid of it, if you won’t fix it”
“So… you’re saying that I should go back to get that person?”
“Do you love that person?” Mari asked, feeling a lump in . She wondered if he left his girlfriend somewhere. But there was a long pause after the question and Kai didn’t answer for four minutes.
“I think” he whispered in the end. Mari swallowed.
“Does that person love you?” she asked.
“Yeah” he then answered without hesitation.
“Who is it?” red haired asked with curiosity.
“Mari-ah!” Kai said loudly all of a sudden, turning on the bench. He was now facing her side, sitting cross-legged. His eyes got big and shiny, and he frowned.
“Y-yes?!” Mari asked, stiffening and turning to face him.
“Should I get that person?” he asked earnestly. Her eyes started wondering on his face as she was thinking and she answered very quickly.
“Yes!” she shouted.
“Impossible!” Kai shouted, shooting up from the bench and turning left.

Mari started in disbelief as he was slowly walking away and couldn’t proceed the whole conversation. She shot from the seat and ran to him.

“Who did you left?” she asked, steam falling out from . Kai looked down at her worried eyes and sighed.
“My mother” he answered.

The red haired felt a pang.

“Where did you left her?” she asked. Kai was walking peacefully, unaware of the hint of anger in Mari’s voice. He found a candy in his pocket and pulled it out with a quiet “wah”.
“At home” he answered when unwrapping the candy. “But… I left her with someone that I shouldn’t have” he added. His forehead wrinkled.
“Have you talked to her?”
“No”
“Not at all?”
“Not for the last four years”

Mari slapped his arm suddenly and he jumped from surprise, because it was pretty hard. He frowned, but his heart throbbed when he saw her expression. It was painful. Mari looked like she’s going to cry; her eyes were watery, brows frowned to the extent, and lips opened, quivering a little.

“What…” he started, but it only made Mari even more angry. She hit him again and he took a step back, trying to cover himself with his hands.
“What are you doing?” he asked in disbelief. Mari started hitting him over and over. He was taking steps back, shouting and trying to stop her.

His mind got blank for a second. He remembered his dream and memories from his past flew again. His body responded by itself, and he caught Mari’s hand halfway, squeezing her wrist.

“Calm down, what happened? What did I do?” he asked, getting closer to her and holding both of her wrists.
“There is no love stronger in the world than the love mother gives to her child!” Mari shouted, her hands away. Kai stood there, surprised. “You’re saying that you’re guilty, but you talk about it with such an ease. If you left your mother alone with someone you didn’t know, or didn’t like, then it’s your obligation to get her back. She protected you for many years, now it’s your turn! How can you just sit her and pretend that you don’t give a damn about her?” she kneeled and took a pile of snow in her hands.
“Wait, Mari-ah, don’t-“

The snow hit him in the face and he started coughing and growling, trying to get it away and shaking his head. Mari smacked him then and he shouted again.

“What the hell!”
“Think about it! And don’t show yourself to me for two days, or I promise that I will beat you up!” she spat and turned away. She ran towards the bridge, leaving Kai completely dumbfounded. He scratched his head, but it quickly transformed into ruffling his hair violently.
“What the hell…” he said to himself, his arm. She was definitely too strong for a girl.

His mother’s face appeared in his mind and he sighed. He wondered why Mari reacted like this. He remembered when she talked about her mother someday. But he couldn’t exactly summon her words.

Her reaction was strong. Her voice and eyes overwhelmed him. He could still see her hurtful stare.

~*~

He stared at the phone in their apartment. Suho was working, Taemin was practicing again. In complete darkness, Kai could only see the outlines of the furniture thanks to the candle he lighted up earlier.

He hated darkness, but right now he felt good when shadows hided him. And when he was choosing the number he knew so well, he had a feeling that in this darkness, no one can see him and recognize him. He pulled the phone to his ear and listened. One signal, two signals, three signals, four signals. With every sound, his heartbeat was increasing rapidly. He was breathing heavily and trying to get calm.

Seven signal.

He wanted to hang up, when he heard rustling. And then, a voice spoke.

“Hello?”

~*~

“One coke please” said the voice. Mari frowned. So there are still men who come to the bar to have fun and not to get wasted, she thought. She turned.
“Ice?” she asked and looked up. She then recognized the voice and the person and rolled her eyes.
“Hi” Hoya said, waving to her and smiling brightly. Mari turned her back to him to get the glass. “You’re not going to say hello?” he added, pouting slightly. “Four cubes of ice please”

Mari hit the counter and leaned closer to him.

“Yah. I told you not to come here and spy on me” she growled, but then her stare softened. She straightened her back. “What are you doing here?”
“Your brother asked about you” Hoya said, shrugging. “I had to come and see how you’re doing, since you never message me about anything”
“Should I?” Mari asked skeptically. She poured the coke and placed it in front of him. A group of friends came by and she had to focus on them for a few minutes. Hoya observed as she’s making drinks and cleaning the counter right after. She knew where everything was without looking there.
“So?” she asked, wiping a glass and eyeing him. “What’s the real reason of your visit?”
“That’s the reason” Hoya said. “Delicious coke”
“How’s he?” red haired asked, turning her back to him. She didn’t like to talk about her family with anyone. It always embarrassed her.
“Good” Hoya said, sighing. “He has some troubles lately. Their main partner seems to have PMS”
“Don’t ever laugh at PMS” Mari warned and they both chuckled.
“Anyway, he says that he will send some money” Hoya leaned closer, already knowing the answer and getting prepared for persuade her.
“I don’t want his money” she sighed. “You know that very well. He knows that too, so stop bugging me”
“We just want to help” Hoya raised his hands in gesture of subjection.
“I appreciate it, really, but we had a deal. I will take care of this by myself”

She felt buzzing in her pocket and frowned. She slowly pulled out her cellphone.

“Who is it?” Hoya asked. She shook her head.
“I don’t know” Mari said, putting her phone to her pocket again.
“You’re not going to pick up?”
“Nope”

A boy from another counter came and patted her shoulder.

“You can go home now” the blonde said, pointing at the door. He was skinny and had feline features. “Oh hey Hoya, how you doing?” he added when he noticed the man by the counter.
“Kibum, long time no see” Hoya said, smiling.
“I will get going then” Mari said. “See you tomorrow”
“Me either?” Hoya asked, but the girl rolled her eyes again and got out from the bar quickly.

Her phone buzzed again and she saw a message.

Where do you live?
And pick up your phone geez.
- Kai

She blinked a few times in realization. She quickly wrote back.

Why do you want to know my address?
I could have been sleeping you know.

And you weren't supposed to talk to me for the next two days. Remember?

She waited patiently until she heard a cat meowing somewhere in the alley. It was already past midnight. She decided to go home immediately, but she wanted to take a bus.

You’re working at this hour. You’re always working.
Just give me the address.

And I was supposed not to show myself to you.

She on her teeth.
She bought herself a ticket and went to the nearest bus stop. 

Another message came.

My arm still hurts.
And you got my shoes wet.

She smirked.

You should’ve buy better shoes.

The bus approached and she quickly hopped on, showing the ticket to the driver. Contrary to popular opinion about people riding buses at this hour, it was more peaceful in the night that in the day. Mari sat by the window.

Give me the address. Please.
I need your help with something.

The red haired girl felt a warm feeling spreading in her heart. She blinked slowly, the screen of her cell phone in wonder. Kai was the first one who wanted to protect her and also the first one who really needed here like this. She never trusted strangers. But she trusted Kai. A complete stranger.

She wrote the address to him.

I’ll be there in 10 minutes. 

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