~chapter eighteen~
cold nights
____________________________________________

 I turned around and you were gone
and on and on the days went
I kept the moments that we were in 

Kai sneaked through the backyard and stopped under the certain window. Then, he looked around to see if anyone was near, but he saw no one, so he took a few steps back, jumped on the wall and grabbed the window sill. Quickly, he pulled up and climbed onto it. He managed to sit on it and take a few deep breaths. He looked in the window and saw a room with hundreds of posters and photos covering the wall; only one, small night lamp was lighted up. On the bed, Kai saw Taemin’s silhouette. He was listening to the music, moving his leg a bit and drawing some symbols with his finger in the air.

Kai knocked on the glass, but he didn’t even think that he would hear that, so he pulled out his phone he managed to catch in the last second before dashing out from his house. He started calling him. Taemin jumped slightly when the music in his phone changed and pulled it up. He aered, still with earphones in. Kai spoke to him before he could say ‘hi’.

“Open the window” he said with husky voice. Taemin turned his head immediately. Kai’s face scared him a bit, it was night and he was white as snow. He jumped from his bed and went to open the window.

Kai managed to come in somehow, but Taemin had to catch him when he was getting off the window sill.

“Kai?” he asked with panic, huffing at him and noticing scratches and bruises on his face. He went with him to the bed and laid him down. Kai immediately curled into a ball and hid his eyes in his black hair.

Taemin looked at him for a minute, unable to speak, clenching his fists in fury, tears in his eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asked, when he got calmer. Kai nodded simply and smiled.
“Yeah, now I am” he answered.
“Kai…” Taemin sighed painfully.

“Kai!” he shouted. Suho smacked him on the head, telling to be quiet, and Taemin shut his mouth right away.

Kai opened his eyes and found his body unbelievably sore. At first, he didn’t know what was happening. He only saw white ceiling, Taemin’s and Suho’s worried faces and a curtain on his right.

“Where am I?” he asked.
“In the hospital” Suho answered before Taemin could. “You got beaten up. Some kids found you”
“How’re you feeling?” Kai’s best friend asked, leaning closer to him with worried face.

Kai started at him, blinking and frowning.

“Who are you?” he asked quietly.

Taemin froze completely. Suho inhaled and giggled nervously.

“What…” Taemin managed to choke out. His mind spun.

They were eyeing each other for the next twenty seconds. Then, Kai burst out laughing suddenly. Suho and Taemin opened their eyes widely and Taemin growled, stomping on his feet.

“YAH!!” he shouted, earning another smack from Suho. Kai continued to laugh.
“Gosh, you looked hilarious, the best joke in my life!” he giggled, pain spreading in his body. He didn’t really mind it. He could tell that he got used to it a long time ago; when the first pain passed, he welcomed this sore feeling in his body with pleasure, because his wounds were healing slowly and he knew that the pain will pass soon.
“It’s good to see you alive” Suho said, patting his shoulder with tenderness. “The nurse said that you’re only bruised. But your wrist got twisted”

Kai glanced at his right hand and clenched it into a fist. His heart started beating faster. Bloody traces after hitting someone were still on his knuckles.

He hit someone violently.

He remembered everything and his mind spun painfully.

“Who did it to you, Kai?” Suho whispered, looking at him with a worried expression. Taemin was waiting patiently for his answer too.

Kai wondered what he should tell them. But it wasn’t easy – he didn’t know himself who did this. He had no enemies… beside the ones that followed Mari everywhere.

He looked at his hyungs sharply.

“Honestly, I don’t know” he stated.

Both of them stared at him for a while.

“You don’t know?” Suho asked. Kai shook his head.
“It was dark. There were four of them. We struggled. I couldn’t see their faces. But I don’t have any enemies. This won’t happen again” the youngest said, sighing.

Suho’s phone buzzed and he looked at the clock on the wall. Kai chuckled, seeing his worried expression once more.

“Go, hyung, don’t worry about me” he said.
“I will stay with him a little more” Taemin added and waved his hands. “Go, go~”

Suho nodded and looked at Kai one more time before leaving. Taemin turned to his best friend and sat on the chair by the side of the bed.

“You look awful” he said, hissing a bit.
“Thanks” Kai scoffed. He had a black eye, a huge bruise on his cheek and his lips were cut in two places. He was worn out. Taemin didn’t even want to think about his torso or his stomach covered with bruises. The nurse said that he was hurt the most in these places.
“You really don’t know who they were?”
“No”
“What about this panda guy?”
“It wasn’t him, I’m sure” Kai shook his head. After asking three times more, Taemin gave up.
“But something bothers you, right?” he guessed.

Kai glanced at his knuckles and exhaled deeply, swallowing a lump in his throat.

“It happened again” he said, looking at Taemin sharply. “I got angry. Mad, to be honest. I wanted to… you know” he stopped, looking around a bit scared of his own thoughts and memories. “There was a moment when I wanted to kill them, Taemin”

The older one laced his fingers together and listened to him carefully.

“I wanted to get rid of this side. I don’t want to hurt anybody, Tae. But when they started beating me up… I think that I broke something… I mean, I broke someone’s… bone”
“You were just defending yourself, Kai” Taemin answered simply, but with a strong voice. “They attacked you. You got angry. And wanted to defend yourself. It’s not weird or crazy. It has nothing to do with you. You’re not like your father, Kai” he finished, getting up. “Don’t ever forget that”.

~*~

Mari was staring at the ceiling, breathing and thinking. She haven’t see Kai for two days; she also couldn’t contact him. When she called, his phone was off or he simply didn’t pick up. She was scared that something happened to him. But she was more scared that he doesn’t want to talk to her anymore. It made her heart swell.

She changed the locks in the doors but she knew that they are still watching her. Observing her. She couldn’t think straight when imaginations about them watching darted into her mind all the time.

Her stomach growled. She was hungry. But she had to save the money she had.

Once again, as always, her mind got busy with plans for future. She thought about different job she could have. About business she would be able to carry. But every plan in the end. And it was impossible for her to build or start her own company because of the money.

If she would make as much till the end of the world as she made now, it would still not be enough.

And what then?

She just had to endure it for this long. For the end of her time. What with her debt then? She only had her brother. He wasn’t even fully her brother.

She wondered.

But right now, the most important thing was to warn Kai.

But she couldn’t do that without talking to him.

She got up and went straight to the library she met him for the second time. When she entered it, a nice scent of books and warmth welcomed her. She saw a few people around the shelves and noticed Madame around the counter. But Kai wasn’t around.

“Hello” she said to the old lady. She looked at her from her papers and smiled.
“Hello young lady” she answered. “You’re Kai’s friend, aren’t you?”
“So you remember” Mari smiled, leaning on the counter. “I was wondering where can I find him?”
“Oh, he’s not working today. To be honest, he took a break for a few days. He called me two days ago”

Mari frowned and blinked a few times, looking down and pouting.

“I’m sorry I can’t help you” Madame said, but Mari shook her head.
“Don’t worry about that” she said, chuckling nervously. “Thank you for telling me anyway. Have a nice day” she added and bowed lightly before exiting the library with heavy heart.

Christmas was coming and street lights were already shining, even though it was still a day. Steam flew out from her lips and she huffed into air to see it. She pretended to smoke for a second and laughed right after.

I guess he doesn’t want me to see him. Or something happened to him?

She threw away the last thought, shaking her head. It was the time to go to work. But still, she felt sad and mad that she didn’t meet with the boy; she looked at the library once again and looked around the city for a hint of him. They’ve always met without a reason, their paths crossing. But when she really wanted to see him, he was nowhere found.

Instead of that, she saw a man in black, long coat. He was smoking and looking at her with curiosity. She immediately looked away, taken back by his intense stare. She knew right away who he was.

She realized that she got kind of addicted to having Kai somewhere around. It was good to know that someone who didn’t know her, cared in some weird, twisted way. And she was scared. She really was scared that something happened to him.

She tried to call him once again, but no one answered. So she wrote a message.

You have to be careful from now on.
Don’t walk around by yourself.

She send it and left for her job.

Kai felt a buzz in his pocket two seconds after that and stared as she walked away in her red coat. It almost melted with her hair.

He wanted to talk to her, but couldn’t show himself in that state. His bruises got even worse. Right now they were black. It looked awful. He was still sore and couldn’t move around a lot. Also, he scared away most of the people. That was actually a plus. No one tried to pick up on him for two days. That was a success.

He looked at the message and felt a pang in his heart. She looked worried and lost; he promised her that he will be her bodyguard, but he couldn’t even talk to her.

Just wait a few more days, Mari-ah.

~*~

Sang Hee laughed loudly at the movie and crawled closer to him. Kai laughed with her, munching on his popcorn. It was one of those beautiful nights he didn’t have to worry about a single thing. He was away from his father, but together with the person he loved the most; and it was enough.

“They somehow looks like us” Sang Hee said, pointing at the couple in the movie. Kai scoffed and laughed loudly.
“What~?” he asked in disbelief. Sang Hee smacked his shoulder.
“Yah. I’m honest” she said with a smile. “You know, I thought that you will never come to me again”
“Why so?” Kai asked, surprised.
“You didn’t talk to me for five days. Only messages, messages… Something happened that you couldn’t pick up your phone?”

The thing was, Kai was a horrible liar. And Sang Hee knew the best when he wasn’t honest. She would guess right away that something happened.

“I just had a lot of… stuff to take care of” Kai answered, shrugging it off. “Don’t worry” he added, pulling her closer and burying his nose in her neck. Sang Hee giggled because of the tickling.
“Don’t do that again though. If something bad happens, just told me” she whispered, grabbing his hand and squeezing it.
“Okay” Kai answered, yawning.

It felt cold when he woke up. His muscles ached again and he had some difficulties with standing up.

He was sleeping in the day and he realized that it was 8 pm already. That’s bad, he thought. He was supposed not to dream about those things in the day.

He checked his phone and saw one message waiting for him to read. He opened it.

What happened to you?
Are you okay?

It was Mari’s number. Kai bit his lip. It’s been another two days and they have seen each other four days before. He thought for a few seconds if he should message her, but she wrote five hours earlier. It would be no good.

He heard the doors open and Taemin entered the living room with a bag in his hand and tired eyes. He saw Kai, but passed him without a single word and flopped on the sofa, in the place Kai slept earlier.

“Blanket” he demanded. Kai gave it to him.
“Good night” he said, taking his phone and some of the plates he left here earlier to the kitchen. He then went to his room, leaving Taemin in the living room. The older boy started snorting after two minutes of laying.

Kai his laptop and checked a few sites. He didn’t want to sleep, so he decided to read a book. It was a hard choice though. He had five books to read, but wasn’t in mood for any of it.

His phone buzzed, making him jump. It continued to buzz for ten seconds and he stared at it blankly. Mari’s name was flashing on the screen.

He coughed, made a few sounds to see if his voice was okay and picked up. He didn’t say a word though.

An hour before, Mari was dreaming about him. She fell asleep when babysitting the boys again. She was ashamed as a babysitter to fell asleep while keeping an eye on children, but they took good care of her, covering her with a blanket and being a quiet as they could.

She dreamt that Kai was running away from her. But she wasn’t really Mari in that dream. She was something bad. Something that wanted to grab him and hurt him. She was fighting with that thing, but she finally caught him.

And then, she ripped him apart.

When she woke up, she was covered with sweat and breathing rapidly. The boys stared at her, shocked. And she shot up, ran to take the phone and called Kai without thinking.

She was shivering and trying to calm down, but the dream was so intense that she was sure something bad happened to the boy. She was more nervous with every signal.

Finally, she heard a click and the signal stopped. She only heard the silence.

“Kai?” she whispered. The boy didn’t say anything.

He was glad to hear her voice and it made him froze; he didn’t know why.

“Kai, are you t-there?” Mari asked, her voice breaking suddenly, full of ease and calm. She shivered again, exhaling deeply, with a bit of panic.
“Hi” Kai said. It made clench and she felt her eyes water.
“I’m glad to hear you” she said, stopping herself from crying.
“Yeah” Kai answered simply. “Sorry… for not contacting you. I’m fine. I’m at home”

The red haired was happy. He was safe. At that moment, she didn’t care if he didn’t want to talk to her.

“Good” she said. “I’m sorry Kai” she added and hung up.

Kai started into the room and didn’t pull his phone away for the next ten seconds. He took a deep breath. She was crying; it made his heart swell.

Was he the reason of her crying? Or did something happen?

Wait, something could’ve happened.

He called her again quickly. She picked up almost right away.

“Are you okay?” Kai asked.
“Yeah, I’m babysitting” Mari answered, sniffling.
“Good” Kai said. They were sitting in silence for a complete of two minutes. Mari sniffling on the other line, sounds of TV in the background.
“See you” Kai said in the end, whispering. He could almost see her nodding and hung up.

He took a deep breath and sat on his bed.

He still didn’t figure out what should he do with her. And what he felt for her. This feeling was something new for him. It wasn’t love. It wasn’t friendship. They cared for each other. He didn’t like her voice when she cried. He wanted to protect her; not like a sister though.

He loved her eyes though.

It was all so messed up. He still dreamed about Sang Hee and he thought that he doesn’t love her anymore. But he imagined a lot that she would come to him and say that she loves him. What would Kai do then? Would he accept this love?

But then, love doesn’t exist in this world, he thought.

~*~

This evening was unbelievably cold. Kai walked trying to warm himself up and curling his shoulders. White steams were falling from his lips and disappearing in the air. He watched as they flowed.

It wasn’t a good idea to come here at this hour. It was almost midnight and bloody cold.

But something told him to come here. To the river. And there he was, staring at it. It was frozen on the edges, but the middle was flowing freely, lumps of snow and ice swimming in it.

He looked at the bridge where he first talked to Mari and chuckled under his breath. Now the water got higher and they wouldn’t be able to sit there anymore, he noted.

He turned to the other side.

How shocked he was when he saw a hint of red in the snow.

At first he thought that he’s going mad and sees her everywhere now; but Mari really was standing there and watching him with the same shocked expression as him. And Kai could swear at this moment that he forgot about the whole world.

Mari’s eyes were as red as her hair and a single tear rolled on her cheek. She took a few steps closer. They could see each other faces very well. And Mari saw all his bruises and cuts. She made a weird sound between a sigh and a sob. Kai felt his heart swell and ache. He didn’t feel like that for a long time. And Mari felt guilt – she was guilty that she didn’t warn him fast enough. And that she let him get closer to him. She could just tell him not to talk to her and go away – that would be so much easier. He wouldn’t be hurt and she wouldn’t feel all those stupid, weird feelings of affection and loneliness when he was away.

Now it was too late and she only felt pain in her heart when she looking at his bruised face.

“Mari-ah…” Kai whispered to her, taking a step closer. But the red haired took a step back. The boy froze, stretching out his hand.
“I’m so sorry” she said and scoffed suddenly. “And I thought that it will be alright for me to…” she added, taking a deep breath and holding in her tears.
“It’s not your fault” Kai stated strongly. “I was…”
“It is my fault, Kai” Mari said, nodding. Her nose was red because of the cold and tears. She sniffed. “I knew that something like this will happen. But I let you get closer to me. I didn’t even warn you when I could. And now, look at you. When did they do that?”
“This wasn’t your fault, idiot” Kai said quietly.
“When?” Mari demanded. After thirty seconds of silence, Kai answered, “Six days ago”.

It was when he stopped talking to me or seeing me.

She sniffed and coughed. Kai wanted to get closer. Something inside of him was slowly cracking and he just wanted to be closer to her.

“I thought that you don’t want to see me” she admitted, ashamed. “I was so selfish-“

Kai was looking at her embarrassed face, her sad, teary eyes, her shivering shoulders and listening to this beautiful, but broken voice and couldn’t think about anything else in this world; Mari was guilt and thought that he got beat up only because of her. But he promised himself a long time ago, that no matter what happens, he will never blame her or accuse her of anything; he was supposed to protect her. Not even for a second he thought that it was the red haired’s fault that someone attacked him. It wasn’t her decision that they will beat him up.

And when she said – with so much ease, but even more embarrassment – that she was scared that he won’t see her again, something in him cracked completely and before she could even finish the sentence, Kai was already in front of her. He grabbed her shoulder and pulled her closer in a warm, demanding hug; and in that moment, he felt infinite, and Mari felt secure for the first time after the day her mom died. 

____________________________________________

My winter break ends tomorrow and I have to go back to school again. 

UGH. 

I don't want it. I want to stay home. I want to be anti-social and continue to lay and do nothing <3
I guess studying is calling me lmao. 

This will probably be the last chapter for the next few weeks. I'm sorry that it's so boring. Their relationship is going to somewhere and I plan on doing a twist in two chapters maybe. So please, don't give up on this story yet. I know it's really annoying sometimes when things aren't going as fast and good as we wish to... Lol. But Kai isn't so open for love and all that stuff. Tbh, he wouldn't feel if he's being in love (a sneak-peak from behind the scenes lol). 

See you in a week? The next chapter is half-ready, so I hope so :3 

Thank you for reading!