Life resumed as per normal for close to seven months. I obediently followed all medical treatment procedures and was making good progress. I could now take a small amount of porridge and maintained my current weight. Yeh Jin seemed to truly enjoy Hye Jung’s companion and would request to visit her often, which I gladly agreed. Yeh Jin told me that Hye Jung was also a fan of detective fiction books and that was how they started talking when they first met. I remembered laughing so hard when Yeh Jin compared,

‘Hye Jung unnie is the total opposite of her brother. It’s like an angel and a devil.’

Despite that petty comment about Jung Jun, the relationship between Jung Jun and herself had make vast improvement. They can now make light, casual conversations without murdering each other. Sometimes, they made fun of each other and laughed over it.

On the other hand, I have also started my own Youtube Channel, Hello, it’s YiJung – 이정 Official. The channel name was derived from how I would usually introduce myself and President and I thought it would be more affectionate to my fans. I was still in the midst of getting use to filming myself. Apart from that, I also made use of the platform to promote my works. My agency continued to support my activities and I released singles but since I was unable to stand on stage yet, I had been using Youtube to announce and perform the songs. At first, there were different opinions on my so-called comeback to the limelight because of the recent court case, but it was not too bad. The heat died off eventually and Yeh Jin even started attending school recently.

Since then, I had also revamped the spare room I had at home which I previously used as a practice room into a studio for Youtube recording. After checking myself on the mirror, I sat down at the desk with a camera infront of me. Reaching out to push the ‘start’ button, I smiled widely and started,

“Hello! It’s so nice to see you all again, it’s Yi Jung! Today’s video is the long-awaited QnA section that I had promised previously when I reached one million subscribers. I’m sorry for taking so long.” I made myself comfortable and waved a few sheets with the questions that I had chosen in my hands. “So, without further ado, let’s start with the first question!” Glancing at the first line printed on the sheet, I continued.

“How are you enjoying the life of a Youtuber?” Maintaining eye contact with the camera lens, I answered sincerely.

“Honestly, I was not used to it initially. Setting up the camera yourself and speaking to it like someone was there to interview you were a total new experience to me. But I received a lot of encouragement along the way and I like how Youtube is able to connect us. As you all might have already known, I was still on the road of progressive recovery. Even though I was making noticeable improvements, I still feel exhausted more easily than others so I might still need some time before I greet you all on stage. Through Youtube, I am able to sing, read your encouragement and interact with you all. For that, I am actually pretty much enjoying being on Youtube…!”

“Next question, this is a long one. ‘Unnie, NGMiracles said that the singles you released are actually rejected by them. Is it true? Which are the songs that you released which are originally created for the purpose of Eun Sung unnie’s recent solo album? They also mentioned that they regretted rejecting those songs because they are so good, so popular and are such a hit after you released them as your own songs. What do you think of their request of giving them those songs again?’ I laughed lightly before replying, remembering the times when Jung Jun gave a lame shout-out to me on TV and requested for me to return the songs to them.

“First of all, I would like to congratulate Eun Sung-ssi for the success of her solo debut. Eun Sung-ssi, Kyung In-ssi and Jung Jun-ssi are my juniors which I cherish and have high hopes on. Please continue to show Eun Sung-ssi and NGMiracles your support as they work hard to shine brighter. Back to the question. Previously when I was in the initial phase of recovery from the eating disorder, I actually worked a lot of composing songs. The recent single, ‘One day, for you’ is one of them and I actually wrote that song for NGM. When NGMiracles was preparing for their comeback, I showed them a list of songs and allowed them to choose which ones they would like to include in their album. ‘One day, for you’ was actually the first song they rejected…! As a singer-songwriter, I love every song I made, especially ‘One day, for you’. So I amended the song a little to suit my style and released it. So if NGM now wants those songs back, hmmmm… No. They are mine. Hahahah! But I am open to remaking the songs and collaborating with them. Maybe you guys can let me know in the comments box below which songs you would love to see us collaborate.”

“The next question is ‘a while ago, Hwangbo-ssi and Shin Aera-ssi were shooting a program where they did community voluntary work in Kenya and a photo of you and the villagers was caught on camera. How did you start volunteering and how regularly are you involved?’”

“When I first heard that the photo was caught on camera, I was indeed a little surprised. I think I took that photograph with the villagers when I was twenty years old. It was my first time doing voluntary work and I became so attached to the people during my visit. When it was time for me to leave, the villagers were so kind that they hugged me and the children drew for me, and I wanted to show my appreciation too. So I took that photograph with my phone and with the help of the organiser, they went all the way out to town to develop the photographs. When I gave them the photograph, I could still remember the gaze they had when they were staring at it. They like it so much that they hung the photo on the wall and told me they would remember me. The moment was so touching and since then, I have been sponsoring a total of two children in Cambodia and Kenya. I have visited each of them twice so far and we regularly update each other through letters. It was really heart-warming to see them grow and learn in school. I guess that’s why people help others. Being able to lend a helping hand to those in need is a blessing and the smiles on their faces is the best return.”

“Next question, ‘Yi Jung-ssi, you are looking so much healthier now. Apart from singing and managing your Youtube channel, do you have any more plans for the future years?’”

“Yes, of course. Everyone knows I am a workaholic and one of the many reasons why I started Youtube is because I want to continue working as much as I can. I actually feel better if I don’t see myself as a sick person, so I am definitely open to job offers as long as my body can stand the workload. Recently, I have worked with NutriAce, which is a food replacement brand, for an advertisement. As of now, I am also writing songs on a regular basis. I am working hard to keep active, both mentally and physically.” 

The recording ended with ten questions. Although there are questions regarding Yeh Jin’s life, I chose not to reveal any of it and believed that fans will understand that I preferred to protect Yeh Jin’s well-being and privacy. As for questions regarding the ‘love life’ with Seung Hyun and his involvement in the court case, President basically scraped off all those questions from the list.

The week had passed and I was heading to the agency with Yeh Jin as President would like to discuss some work matters with me.

“I will be with Seung Gi oppa.” Yeh Jin waved to me and sprinted off to the canteen before I could say another word. Gosh, this girl is really treating this place like her playground. I stepped into the lift and went up to the top storey. When I was before President’s office, I lightly knocked on it.

“Come in.”

“Sajangnim.” I called, smiling with a bow after I opened the door. President stood up from his desk and walked around it, coming to the couch as he offered me a seat with a small smile.

“Where’s Yeh Jin?”

“She ran off, looking for Seung Gi oppa.” And he chuckled.

“Do I need to get her to come over through the broadcast system?” He joked.

“She is so spoilt. I will make sure to remind her that this is a work setting.” President shook his head with another laugh.

“No, no. Let her be. She is a happy pill that keeps everyone here energised. Let her run as much as she could to spread the happy virus.” And we chuckled upon that. When our laughter died off, President continued to watch me with a warm smile.

“So how are you feeling? Is managing the Youtube channel difficult?”

“It was fine. Setting up the camera and coming up with new content can be troublesome sometimes, but overall, it is fun.”

“What about your health? Have you been eating well?” I nodded with a hum.

“I have been eating consistently now. Smoothie, porridge, cereal and oatmeal. I am consuming it interchangeably. I feel more energised than before.”

“Have you still been taking naps?”

“Sometimes. Recently, I feel tired only at 10pm.”

“What about your tolerance for coldness? Do you still feel cold easily?” I instinctively held out my palms, checking if there were still as pale as before.

“I still do feel chilly when night comes. But it is bearable now. Even my palms are redder.” Watching as he nodded, my brows raised as he seemed to be pondering. “Did something happen, Sajangnim?”

“Are you comfortable going back on stage?” And I paused at the unexpected question.

“Huh?”

“Last week, I received an invitation from a Chinese audition programme. They have invited you to be one of their judges.” I remembered the time when President rejected a Taiwanese audition programme for me because my health condition was so bad. And out of a sudden, I was scared. I did not feel confident to appear onscreen.

“All these years, your media presence is mainly in Korea. I want you to focus and build your foundation here until I feel that you are ready to move out of the country. But I do have my worries.” We held eye contact and I had come to love how his gaze resembled a father. “It’s not going to be easy for you. As much as I think you are ready to grow and be exposed to the outside world, I am concerned about what you think. You have to be prepared for criticism and biases that people will be holding against you. People will comment on how you should lay low after a court case instead of going back on screen after a short few-months hiatus. They will also make comments that we rejected the offer in Taiwan because of your health and yet, accepted the one in China. And most importantly, how you are going to make arrangements to balance your health, your work, and the responsibility you have for Yeh Jin.” I was in deep thoughts with my eyes on the ground and President quietly waited, allowing me to process my thoughts.

“Does the producer of the programme know about my situation? Like my involvement in the court case and my health needs?”

“Apparently, he knows.” President nodded. “We actually had a video call and I have told him my uneasiness of getting you back to public in such a short period of time. But the producer does not really care about scandals and gossips. He likes your character and acknowledges your skills, which are all that he is concerned. I could tell he is sincere. That’s why I called you here. This is a good opportunity, but I don’t want to force you when you are not ready.”

“I don’t know if I can sing. It’s been a long time since I talk and perform infront of dozens of cameras.”

“Rubbish. You can definitely sing.” He dismissed crudely, even though his voice was still soft and gentle. “All you have been doing these few months is singing on Youtube.”

“But shooting a programme is different…”

“Shall I turn it down then?” My eyes closed. As much as I was afraid, I was in a dilemma if I should let this chance slip off like a loser.

“Sajangnim, do you want me to do it?” My voice came out as a whisper.

“I don’t want it if you don’t feel like it.”

“It’s an opportunity too good to forgo, right?”

“Jung ah,” He called, which grabbed all of my attention. “In my opinion, you are ready to go out there and challenge yourself beyond the boundary of Korea. Remember the time when you got famous because of a Taiwanese drama but I pulled you back to Korea and make you focus your career here?” I nodded. “After eight years, you have grown and improved so much. Your capabilities definitely will survive overseas and I am now convinced that you can go out and show what you got to more people who are not familiar with you. I am ready to support any overseas opportunities that might come along your way. But then you fell sick. That was what is holding me back. I’m more concerned over your well-being rather than having doubts on your capabilities. If your insecurities and lack of confidence are what holding back, then I would encourage you to overcome it like you have been doing all these years. I don’t care what the public have to say about you. You have been in multiple scandals and I am already used to it. But if getting negative public views are stressing you too much, or you really think your body could not stand the long process of the programme, then I would say to give this a pass. There will be plenty of opportunities anyway.” Tears were threatening to fall by the time President finished his speech. I was moved by his words, at the same time still pained by the hard times I had been through.

“I should do it, right?”

“Maybe, you can take this as a work vacation. If that makes you feel better. You have been suffering for so long in Korea. Why not take this opportunity to leave the country to have a breather, stay in China for a bit, at the same time learn from the singers from the Chinese industry. Who knows? Perhaps when you have settled down and familiarised yourself with the environment, you would find a singer that shares the same music taste as you and you guys can collaborate. From there, your career might get back on track again.

“How long would the recording be? What about Yeh Jin?”

“It will take a few months. Recording is on every Monday and the first recording will start at the end of November. Since Yeh Jin will be having her winter break for more than a month, you can bring her together with you. It is common for Chinese artistes to bring their children, family members and pets to working set. So bringing Yeh Jin to work will not cause a disturbance. But you may want to find out what the girl thinks about this. When the school term starts for Yeh Jin, we can make arrangements for you to head to China to and fro every week, or I can take care of her.” I shook my head.

“I want to take care of Yeh Jin. Thank you for offering, but I prefer to be around her.” Taking into consideration that Yeh Jin was approaching puberty, having a female to care for her sounds more ideal. President nodded in understanding.

“I hope I am not stressing you too much. You can have more time to think about it and discuss with Yeh Jin and your parents. I will keep the producer on hold.”

“Thank you.” I smiled in gratitude. “Can I personally call the producer?” President gave a small chuckle.

“Sure, just let me know your decision beforehand.” I quickly nodded before I stood up. Giving President a respectful bow, I bade farewell before leaving the room.

I headed to the dance studio after Seung Gi texted me that Yeh Jin was with Jung Jun. Walking into the room, I smiled and was still pleasantly surprised at how Yeh Jin and Jung Jun were getting along now.

“Hey…” I called, watching how Jung Jun was showing Yeh Jin a video clip on his phone. The girl had leaned in close as she stared at the screen and I recognised the song was an acoustic version of NGM previous comeback title song.

“Unnie, you’re back.” Her cheery smile indicated her good mood.

“I am still not used to how you two are not glaring at each other anymore.” I teased, taking a seat next to the girl.

“That was so long ago, unnie. We are now friends!” Yeh Jin emphasised with widened eyes.  Chuckling softly, I her hair twice before turning to Jung Jun to smile thanks to him, but realised he was unusually quiet. All he did was give me a blank look before turning back to his phone. Although curious, I decided to brush it off, thinking that Jung Jun might be tired after a long day.

After Seung Gi was back with Kyung In and Eun Sung, NGM had to leave for an interview. Seung Gi gave us a ride back and we thanked him before closing the door and waving as the car sped down the road. Once we were back at home, we washed up before I finally called Yeh Jin for a talk. I told her what President told me. Although I had expected her to be supportive and happy for me, she appeared to be more excited.

“You must go! Unnie, you are finally going to sing on stage again!” She cried in happiness, rising from the bed and jumping around infront of me.

“Calm down.” I rationalised. “There are a lot of things to consider.”

“Unnie, I will go with you.” Nevertheless, she declared and ignored what I had said. “I have always wanted to travel and work with you. I am more than willing. For the entire winter break, I will stay with you in China. When school reopens, I will just stay at home with your parents and you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I don’t want to be away from you for too long.” I expressed. I was granted Yeh Jin’s custody after a long, painful battle, I did not want to be careless and give others the opportunity to comment that I was ungrateful and still not giving enough care to her. “I cannot lose you.” My last sentence made Yeh Jin halt her movements, the determined gaze she previously had slowly faded into a gentle one.

“But you are not going to lose me…” She quietly reassured.

“You are like my child. I can’t be only thinking about myself. Look what happened after I left you at the home on a long-term basis.” She came and sat beside me and hugged my waist, leaning her cheek on my shoulder.

“All you have been doing all these years was took care of me. Before you debut, you were so poor that you survived on a packet of ramyeon per day and yet, when I refused to leave you, you shared it with me to make sure I was fed. We survived on just a pack of ramyeon per day. Can you believe it?” She quietly reminisced. “We have come so far.”

“How is it possible for you to even remember what happened when you were only four?” I asked with a small laugh, not exactly expecting an answer. She remembers that she ate ramyeon everyday. She remembers the exact day her mother abandoned her. What else does she remember and yet keep it to herself?

“Because of that stupid, out-of-nowhere court case, you became the bad guy for snatching the custody from that woman. Because of me, your career is so badly affected. So don’t let go of this opportunity because of me again. My biggest wish now is to get you back on stage.” By then, we were sobbing like crazy as we held one another tightly.

I listened for Yeh Jin’s sniffles to stop before looking down to check if she was asleep. When I was sure she did, I gently laid her down on the bed and tucked the blankets in before leaving the room. I went to the living room where my parents were. They sat side by side on the sofa and I planted my backside on the ground facing them as I allowed my head to rest on the gap separating the both of them. I hugged each of their calves in both my arms and fidgeted to make myself comfortable.

“What are you doing?” My mum looked at me like I was crazy while my father stared at me and waited for my next move. I smiled up to them cheekily, raising my head from the sofa seat.

“Do you all want to come to China with me?”

“What senseless talk are you starting again?” My mum frowned.

“Don’t you find Korea a little toxic with all the scandals around me? Do you want to come with me and Yeh Jin to China for a few months?”

“Now, now.” Pushing herself off the sofa to sit up straight, she put aside the book in her hands as she sensed something. “Make yourself clear. What does that supposed to mean?”

“My agency and I actually planned for myself to keep a low profile but I got invited to join a Chinese audition programme. I really want to do it.” I added the last sentence when I could tell that my mum was about to object. “You saw how I started eating solid food again and am feeling better now. Being a judge for the programme only requires me to talk. It will not be anything tedious and recording is only once a week.”

“No. You need to get better before you start working again.”

“Aren’t you happy for me that I receive job offers?” I asked back with a pout. “This is the chance for me to resume my life.” When I saw that my mum was the least persuaded, I turned to my father for help. “Dad…”

“Are you going to keep quiet and get bullied when you are there?” I rolled my eyes with a defeated sigh.  

“No one is bullying me.”

“What about the comments’ from the public? I’m sure they would bash you for participating in the programme.”

“I have been regularly cursed by them for eight years. Coming to nine years now.”

“So proud of you.” He spat back in sarcasm to counter-attack.

“Oh, come on…~” I whined.

“Go. Just go.” My widened eyes shot back to him.

“Really?!” I nearly yelled and my mum spun to him with glaring eyes.

“With whose permission?” My mum retaliated. “Are you out of your mind?”

“She has gone through a court case. Do you think she will be defeated by the public’s merciless verbal attacks? And plus, she got herself into court to protect a child. It’s not a crime.” My dad turned to look at me with a gaze full of affections and I smiled at him, my heart swelling up in love. “She has indeed become healthier and one day, she has to get back to living her life. Let her go to China and we should go back to Singapore too.”

“No, what?” I voiced in surprise and suspected my own ears for a moment.

“If not, what do you think? Do you really expect your mother and I to follow behind your tail to China? You are here arguing with your mother about going on with your life and are our lives just about following you around and babysitting you?” He lectured which caught me aback, even though I knew he did not mean it.

“Dad, you are really mean…~” I talked back.

“We both are already old and spent almost a year of our retirement age trying to comfort your broken heart and nurse you back to health. Let us go back to Singapore and leave us alone.”

“Mummy…! Could you believe what Dad said? So mean!” I cried, feeling totally wronged. However, my mum burst out in laughter at our bicker.

The next day, while Yeh Jin was in school, I personally gave a call to the producer of the Chinese audition programme, The Next Voice, after President had given him a heads-up that I will be calling today.

“Good afternoon, Producer Shen.” I greeted in Chinese, feeling a little nervous yet excited.

“It’s so nice to hear from you, Miss Yi Jung.” The male spoke in a respected tone and I unconsciously placed my free hand on my knee politely, even though no one was here to see.

“I have heard from my agency about the offer you have extended to me. First of all, I thank you so much. It is a huge encouragement to me and I would like to thank you personally.”

“You are too humble, Miss Yi.” I smiled as I looked down on my lap.

“Producer Shen,” I called after a short pause and knew the man at the other line was patiently waiting.

“Please go on.”

“I would sincerely like to participate in the programme. But I am worried I will bring unpleasant attention to your programme. As you know, I was on the news continuously for months. One after another. I am not sure what to expect and I don’t know if I could help the programme as much as you think.”

“Honestly, my team and I have the same concern. We understood what have happened to you recently. When we were at the planning phase, Got7’s Jackson recommended you to me. At that time, you were already broiled up in the lawsuit.” Eyes slightly widened in surprise at the mention of Jackson however, I continued to listen. “So, we were reluctant and worried. Jackson told me you are the perfect person for my programme but we still hesitated for a long time. I had listened to your songs and even tried to find another person similar to you but my team and I still prefer you. Miss Yi, I know what you are worried about. Your boss, my team, and yourself, we are all concerned over the same issue. What I would like you to understand is that, this programme is not targeting the mass public. The judges I invited did not start out as idols. They are all singers who get their hands dirty for years and gone through auditions to reach their current position. This programme is a serious programme with a very firm and strict objective. So, you don’t have to be too worried. My focus of this show is on the contestants and the mentorship the judges are supposed to provide. The audience will not pay too much attention to gossips and personal issues. You are kind to think about the reception of my programme even when you are probably having a hard time. I should thank you.”

“Please don’t be. I am so grateful for this opportunity. It has been a long time since I last stood on stage and I do not want to bring any inconvenience to you.”

“It’s my pleasure to work with you.” And I smiled, picturing that Producer Shen was probably wearing a sincere smile as well. I went on and enquired more about the programme. So basically, there will be a total three judges. The judges will also be playing the role of mentors to the contestants. During each episode, the judges will offer mentorship to the contestants who won their hearts with their performance. Producer Shen’s intention was for every judge to mentor each and every contestant at least once, so that they will have a more rounded exposure. However ultimately, the decision of the judges’ will be respected. And unlike audition programmes where each contestant has to perform only one song, The Next Voice’s requirement is to rearrange an existing song, as well as showcase a self-composed song for every recording. That was when I started to worry. When I worked on songs, I was mainly in charge of the lyrics. Ji Yong did most of the composing. However, I still wanted to take part in this programme and felt that it would really be such a pity if I changed my mind. Producer Shen was so kind and went on to suggest that I should prepare myself by listening to popular Chinese hits from 1950 to recent years since he knew that I was probably not familiar in that area.

“That’s very kind of you. I do listen to Chinese songs but definitely not songs from my parents’ era. Thank you for the tip.”

“I understand the differences in music style between Chinese and Korean music industry, so I think it will be good if you get yourself familiar with it. Most of the contestants will probably be Chinese and we are aiming to attract potential singer-songwriters to join us. Although I personally anticipate and am excited at how you could blend Korean and Chinese music style in the songs, I am not surprised if the contestants prefer to have a stronger Chinese music style. They make their own music and will definitely be persistent and stubborn about it. If you are more familiar with Chinese music style, it will be easier for you to work with them.”

We continued to talk about the programme until he promised to contact President again to decide on the date to sign the contract. I also told him that I will be heading to China instead when he said he will bring the contract to Korea.

“No, no. I will go over.” I objected politely. “It will be a good chance for me to at least familiarise with the location of the recording.”

When we hung up the phone, I remained seated at my desk. My mind was still trying to accept the fact that I could finally started working like I normally would. When President first told me about the programme, I did some research on and saw that the two other judges had confirmed their attendance as the judges. I had always been listening to a wide variety of music to keep myself relevant and I had definitely listened to their songs before. They were both very famous. Not only did they build a crazy fanbase with their strong vocals, they were well-known for their composing skills. Picturing myself at the shooting set with them, I instantly felt a little stress and the need to contact the vocal instructor for training.

“Jung ah,” Hong Gyu called as I phoned him, sending out a SOS. “I like how you have a rookie mentality at all times and how you still ask me for training each time you are preparing to release a song. I respect and admire your attitude but, are you really not aware of your singing capabilities?”

“Oppa, it’s different this time. The other two singers have crazy skills.”

“You have crazy skills too…!” He argued. “This is not claimed by me. The public acknowledges it and classified you together with IU, Ailee, Hyolyn. Heck, they even called you ‘Little Lee Sun Hee’.

“The expectation in China might be different from Korea. I sing ballad, and you have to admit, that ballad performances are not as explosive as other genres. If the two participating singers perform rock or something and hype up the entire stage, my performance will seem lacking.”

“Ever since you started working with Ji Yong-ssi, you have been learning a lot of other genres apart from ballad.” His voice fell to a calmer tone as he reassured me like a brother. “I have been working with you ever since your trainee days. I can understand if you are worried and anxious. You can feel less confidence because of everything that had happened. But I am sad and heartbroken when you don’t feel confident because you think you can’t sing as well as the rest. You are already so famous and doing so well and beyond expectation, and your mentality makes us all ache for you. Don’t push yourself too hard. You are still strong and doing great.” Inhaling in to sooth my heartache at all the affection and encouragement I was getting from everyone, I tried to lift the atmosphere by saying,

“But you would still give me training, right? I will go to you tomorrow.” Soft, light chuckles bubbled from my throat as I heard him cursing at the other line.

The next day, President informed me that Producer Shen still felt bad that I will have to make a trip down to sign the contract even when I had not completely recovered from the disorder. Hence, he had made arrangement for the contract signing to be together with the photo-shooting of the promotional poster so I will not need to make another trip. Producer Shen’s gesture surprised and moved me, because in normal circumstances, arrangements will not be made beforehand. Only after the contract had been signed will funds be invested. It is also planned that the actual shooting of the programme will be starting three days after the photo-shooting. President and I discussed if I should make a trip back to Korea and head back again when it was time for the actual shooting. We came to a conclusion that I will leave Korea next week and only head back when school reopens for Yeh Jin. While Yeh Jin attends school, I will fly to and fro between Korea and China so I could commit to both Yeh Jin and work. And since Yeh Jin will be tagging on for the first month, President had made more effort in preparation. Yoo Hyun and Jin Hye will obviously be coming with me, together with the make-up artist and stylist. My assistant, Joo Lin, who occasionally came to my rescue when work trips get too hectic will be accompanying me this time round. She will also be helping to keep an eye on Yeh Jin during the trip.   

“This is the contract. Everything is fine.” President printed out the soft copy with only Producer Shen and President’s signatures and passed it to Jin Hye. “Just make sure that Jung signs the exact same copy in China.” Jin Hye bowed with a ‘yes’. After we left President’s office, Jin Hye passed me the contract so that I understand the terms and conditions.

“Do you have any plans on for next week?” She asked once we were in the car.

“I texted my parents just now, and they will be heading back to Singapore a day before I leave for China. So I will probably be spending most of my time with them and Yeh Jin. Ah, I will also need to brainstorm content for Youtube. I should continue vlogging when I am in China, right? I will make changes to my initial plan and send the updated list to you and Sajangnim.” She laughed softly.

“Sometimes, I find it funny. Is the Youtube channel managed by you or Sajangnim?”

“Well, everything needs to be approved when you are signed to an agency.” Chuckling together with her this time, I stopped when I suddenly remembered. “Oh, right.”

“Why?” She gave me a glance before turning her attention back to the road.

“When Yeh Jin knew that we will be staying in China for a few months, she told him about it and they suggested that we have a gathering before we leave.”

“Him?” She cocked a brow before a light bulb flashed in her mind. “Ah, him…” I smiled in defeat as I turned back to face the front. “She really does report everything to Seung Hyun-ssi, huh?”

“Yeah, after the court case, she has grown more attached to him.”

“Where will the gathering be?”

“Not sure.” I shrugged. “I will let you know.” 

Our chat continued while we travelled to the hospital where I had my treatment.

“Jackson-ssi introduced me to the producer.” I told Jin Hye, whose eyes lit up in surprise. “I wanted to thank him and even called Yoo Bin unnie to ask for his number but she didn’t have it. By any chances, do you or Yoo Hyun oppa have it?”

“Why would we have it?” I pouted, feeling in debt to Jackson. I should at least thank him personally. “But I heard he is now very active in China. Maybe you will get to meet him there by chance. I will try to get his number too.” Finally smiling this time, I nodded as my eyes began to get heavy from drowsiness.

Eun Sung soon heard the news of me going to China and rushed down to my home after two days.

“Unnie, I told you, you are going to recover and return on stage. This is such great news…!” Embracing me as she started tearing up again on my shoulder, I had affectionate smiles plastered on my face as I gently pat the girl. How could someone be this kind and sweet?

“Thank you, Eun Sung ah. You have been a great support, like the rest of the people in the agency. Unnie cannot thank you all enough.” When she suddenly pulled back, I watched as she dug in her bag and pulled out a box. “What’s this?” I asked in puzzlement, still reaching for it when she handed it to me.

“Unnie gave me your mic. So when I heard that you are going to sing again, I just have to buy you something. You are my role model and now, I am going to give you all of my wishes.” I carefully removed the cover from the box and saw a microphone in a blend of pastel yellow, baby pink and baby blue. Surprised at how good it looked, I was more moved by the girl.

“It is so beautiful…” I commented in awe. “But your heart is probably more beautiful than the aesthetics of this mic. You never fail to touch my heart. Thank you. Let us all work hard together.” I patted her head with affections. “Even though I am there as a judge, and not a singer.”

“You never know…!” She cried and chuckled until she spoke again when she remembered something. “Oh! The maxi dress we bought you from Japan, wear it to the recording in China. You won’t turn down such a small request, right?” My heart swelled even more.

“Wah, it feels like my kids are buying me clothing for my first day of work.” And we embraced the second time.

The week passed by quickly with me preparing for the audition programme, talking to Tae Jin, the music producer at my agency, brushing up my skills on composing and writing lyrics. I also made sure to spend plenty of time with my parents when my mother finally agreed to walk around Seoul with me. I had brought them to the downtown of Seoul, showing them my life in Korea and dining in at restaurants that I knew they would love. We even went to Dreams and Dreams’ Inn where I introduced them to Bong Soon and the rest of my team.

“I know even when you promise to be careful and stay away from any more unnecessary attention, you would still end up on the headlines.” My mother uttered as she was bringing in the clean laundry to my room. I knew it would probably be the last time seeing her folding the laundry for me in Korea. I smiled weakly, knowing that gossips and rumours were inevitable and she had gotten to know the industry well enough that she would not buy it even if I tried to reassure her.

“I promise I won’t be affected.” I said, following her to my room.

“Promise are supposed to be honoured.” She reminded and I hugged her from the back, nodding lightly. Yeh Jin who was resting on my bed witnessed the scene and jumped out of bed, skipping her way towards my mother and hugged her, ignoring the pile of clothes in her hands.

“Alright, alright. The two of you, stop clinging onto me.” Yeh Jin and I chuckled lightly before letting my mother go and following her to the bed. We had small chats as we folded the clothing together with my mother occasionally nagging at how we should be always be careful when we were in a foreign land.

“I will take care of the girl.” I reassured, knowing that she was worried about the both of us, but Yeh Jin was still a responsibility that I could not compromise.

“I will behave and stick by unnie. I won’t run around.” Yeh Jin added in simple English, which earned her an affectionate smile and pat on the head from my mother. Distracted by the vibration from my phone, I reached for the device on my dressing table and read the text message, seeing that the content list for the Youtube channel had been approved. When I finally gave my attention back to the ladies, I heard Yeh Jin excitedly shared how she was looking forward to seeing Big Bang at tomorrow’s gathering. My mother knew that Yeh Jin was unaware of the break-up between me and Seung Hyun and I would say she played along well with Yeh Jin.

“Enjoy yourself. After tomorrow, you will only get to see them next year.”

“Hm, I will! I will also be keeping in contact with Seung Hyun oppa!”

“I’m glad you enjoy his accompany. He is a great guy.”

“Yes! I am even more grateful towards him after the court case. He has been very supportive.”  My mother and I shared a brief eye contact before she turned back to the girl, giving her the same warm smile.

The gathering was set to be at Ji Yong’s apartment in Seoul since his place was away from town, so we minimised the chances of the public recognising us when we moved around. I will not say I was anticipating the gathering because no matter how much time had passed, there will still be tension between Seung Hyun, Ji Yong and I. I was actually apologetic towards Dae Sung and Young Bae because they had to play along and tolerate all these. On the other hand, I was more thankful to all of them because I knew they were doing this for Yeh Jin despite their discomfort. They were very concerned of the mental well-being of Yeh Jin and cared for me.

The layout of the apartment was interesting. It had two storeys with only a living room, one kitchen, and a small bedroom on the first storey. The staircase curved its way to a single large room at the upper storey, which Ji Yong refurnished and made it into a recreational area. There was a minibar, pool table, karaoke set, a couch and a few beanbags. We had been staying here after having dinner and the guys were drinking and partying their hearts out while entertaining Yeh Jin and I with their cheeky tricks. I was getting a little tired from all the laughing and Seung Ri was thrown out to the living room after we found him wasted. Seung Hyun was pestered by Yeh Jin as usual and the two had not been giving up on the new mobile game they downloaded at the recommendation of Dae Sung. Yeh Jin felt hungry after hours of engrossing in the game and Seung Hyun accompanied her to the kitchen. Dae Sung and Young Bae told us that they needed to use the toilet and will be resting at the living room after that, so that Yeh Jin and I could rest in the room. I offered them to rest at the second storey. I mean why should they squeeze in the small living room when there was more space up here?

Young Bae shook his head. I immediately felt bad when I realised his intention. They had become so cautious around the people they were originally the closest with. And it was all because of me. “It’s okay, Jung ah. We all love you. So you can be comfortable around us.” His kindness melt and ached my heart, and I could only smile back to thank him for his kind words. He didn’t mean that he believed there was something between me and Ji Yong. He only respected us and was fine with anything that would happen in the future. He was both fine with the idea of me choosing to stay in contact with Ji Yong, regardless of whether the both of us do become a couple in the future or not. I don’t know what Ji Yong shared with him, but he seemed to know a lot. Nevertheless, Young Bae was a loyal and supportive friend to Ji Yong, and myself. I watched from the mouth of the staircase as he walked down, only when he disappeared did I turn back to Ji Yong who was leaning comfortably against the wall. He was looking back at me blankly and I went to his side.

“Are you okay? Very drunk?” Squatted beside him, I looked at his slightly reddened cheeks and he looked decently sober.

“Not yet.” He shook his head and I let my fell to the ground beside him. Leaning against the wall, I looked ahead towards the little glass pane opposite us. This apartment was actually too small for all of us but this glass pane was probably my favourite area. It overlooked the first storey. If I were to scoot over, I could probably see Seung Ri splatting in the living room and Seung Hyun busying in the kitchen with little Yeh Jin.

“So, you were saying you are leaving the day after tomorrow?” Pulled back from my trance, I turned to Ji Yong looking a little tired, probably from the alcohol. I nodded.

“Hm.” 

“How is the preparation going?” I sighed at that question which earned myself a raised brow.

“I am so worried about composing and rearranging songs.”

“All songs can be rearranged.” He laughed lightly. “You can even rearrange children songs.”

“I’m serious. It’s not like you are coming with me. All this while, I do 60% of lyrics and only 40% of composing.”

“40% is almost half.” He argued meaninglessly, and I glared at him for not helping at all. “Jung ah, just relax. You can do this. We didn’t earn the title of ‘Best Producer Duo’ for nothing.

“We earned that title because you are working with me.”

“That’s what the public thinks.” He dismissed. “I see you in the studio. I see beyond the eyes of public, the hard work and potential you have that others don’t see. You are qualified. Without me, you can produce good music. Look at NGM’s songs. I did not help much, but they all ranked first.” Nevertheless, I still sighed, even though I did feel a little better at his encouragement.

“I hope I do you all proud.”

“You will have no problem with that.” We enjoyed a short pause before he spoke again.

“When will you be back?”

“When the new school term starts. Then I will be flying in and out of Korea just for the shooting.” He nodded slowly before looking towards the glass pane, where the lights were shining into the dim room.

“Are you planning to expand into China?” He continued quietly. “Like, long term plans.”

“I’m not sure about how I feel. I am trying out to see if I could work there but my president has that plan.”

“Because of us?” I turned to him, not quite sure what he was referring to. “Because he had enough of what happened in Korea and is trying to find shelter for you?”

“He did tell me his concerns.” I admitted. “But rather than saying that he is trying to get me away from Korea, I believe he thinks that this opportunity comes at the right time. I am suffering from the aftermath of the lawsuit and the scandals so I don’t receive much job offers to be on TV, broke up with my boyfriend and playing the couple game, and plus, I am sick. After waiting for months, an overseas opportunity came. My first major project in seven months. My president is a careful, yet ambitious person. He wants me to grow even if I might not be in the best condition. So he encouraged me to learn during my stay in China, and put everything that happened here at the back of my head and start anew. I share the same thoughts as him. I think this is the chance for me. I have to go.” I watched as he turned away looking stressed for some reason and waited for him to continue.

“Can you not expand out of Korea?” My brows furrowed in surprise and confusion at his request. “Don’t go. After the shooting for this programme ends, come back to Korea. If you are doing this just to avoid all of us, then don’t go. I will leave you alone.”

“Oppa, like I just said, this is not our intention. Why would you say that?”

“It’s pretty obvious what your president wants. And I don’t like the idea of you staying in another country on a long-term basis.” His words were so blunt and the alcohol must be to blame.

“I know you are worried. But I will be fine.” I reassured. “My managers will be with me, and I have experience working in places I am not familiar with. When I first came to Korea, I started from zero. When I later debut in Taiwan and Japan, I started from scratch too. China will be the same.” But he shook his head.

“I still don’t like it. I am worried. What if you need someone to talk to? I can’t go to you, Seung Hyun hyung can’t too. You are even bringing Yeh Jin this time. The more you would try to hide your true emotions.”

“It’s nice to have friends like you all. Always worried for me.” I smiled at his words. “Whether I were to venture into China long-term or not, I will not forget you and will call you often. Don’t worry. It’s embarrassing how everyone is worried when I am already an adult.”

“Jung ah…” He called, his eyes still flashing worry as he tried to persuade me again.

“Don’t feel bad. Everything that happened, it’s really not your fault. This won’t affect our friendship.” I knew what was the truest issue that was bothering him, and I hoped he stopped being guilty for what had happened between Seung Hyun and I. We held eye contact and I hoped he got my sincere message that he will forever be a friend that I will not exchange for the world. When I felt his warm hand fell on top of my cold one on my lap, my eyes flashed a glint of confusion as I looked down to see him gripping onto it firmly. When I looked up again, he had his face leaned closed to me and I instinctively inched back, my head brushing the wall as my body shifted so that I will not be immobilised if he were to push himself up onto me. With my eyes widened, I watched him in shock while his gaze was soft as he tightened his grip on my hand for a moment before letting it go to reach up for my right cheek. His eyes fell on my lips as I saw him shifted slightly and allowed his free hand to fall the floor and braced himself while inching closer. My mind went blank and before I could react, I felt his lips gently stamped on mine. In that instant, I felt a building crashed onto me. I could not move and was paralysed by shock. He did not move his lips and his grip on my cheek remained gentle. Despite my mind being ed by what happened, I heard Jin Hye’s voice, the words she said few months ago when we happened to have a heartfelt one-to-one girls talk about the boys and I was ‘forced’ into admitting that Ji Yong was indeed a nice person. He was always there when I needed someone to talk to.

‘Even though it will only complicate things, but why would you compromise your feelings for the opinion of others? If a nice guy comes by, why brood over a past relationship and deprived yourself of happiness? Jung ah, you can start a relationship with anyone you wish. Sometimes, it’s okay to be irrational.’

My fists clenched on my lap as my mind battled fiercely until Ji Yong started moving his lips. Stunned at the advancement, I quickly pushed myself off and stared at him with tears that I don’t have a reason for. He seemed to have snapped back to reality and when he finally realised what he had done, he did not look shocked, nor did he look regretful.

“Sometimes, I feel grateful that I am your friend. At least, you are not avoiding me. But sometimes, I feel so damn cursed by this same friendship.” My mind was frantically trying to sort things out and what he had said until I heard faint footsteps fading into the still tension. As if hit by realisation, I quickly turned to the staircase and leapt to my feet. Racing down the circular staircase, I saw Seung Hyun’s back view disappearing around the foot of the stairs and quickly rushed ahead, halting infront of him right before he reached the living room. I don’t know I actually possessed such speed while suffering from anorexia and I don’t know what I wanted to say by chasing after him. Panting slightly as I looked up at him, I knew he saw and heard everything and I felt so bad, guilty and heartbroken to see him looking at his feet like a loser. It was the first time I hated myself this much. He tried to leave from my side but I moved to block his way. I wanted to talk to him, but nothing came. When he finally lifted his head to look at me, his eyes were moist with sorrow and I could tell he was trying to mask his emotions with all he had. I shook my head, begging him to believe me.

“So, you fell in love with him after all.” I shook my head again to deny and my response made him even sadder. His eyes showed it and the voice which he forced himself to stabilise still shook which broke my heart and had tears gathering in my sockets.

“Yeh Jin is waiting for you in the room. Call your manager.” And he brushed past me. I reached out to grab his wrist, stopping him in time.

“It’s really not what you think.” My voice came out as a mere whisper that I could not even hear. My words felt like an excuse even to my ears. Ji Yong and I kissed, what did I mean by ‘it’s not what he thought?’ Why the heck did I not push Ji Yong away…?! And at the moment, all I could hear was his heart breaking and my mind bellowing at me for what I did. He did not show any reaction, only stepping away as his hand slipped out of mine, leaving me behind to take in all the events.

The long, sleepless night passed and my parents had returned back to Singapore the next day. My apartment felt shockingly empty after I came back from sending them to the airport. Maybe I have unconsciously become very dependent on them. My mind started back-tracking to the days where they were staying here. Although with them around, the house was not rowdy, I came to understand how much of a difference one’s mere presence could make. And I had to admit that I had started to miss them already.

“Unnie, where is the luggage?” I was knocked out of trance and spun around, seeing Yeh Jin poking her head to the living room. A smile spread across my face as I calmed down at the sight of the girl. Thank god I have Yeh Jin with me.

“Let me bring it to you.” Walking into the hallway, I headed to the storage room right at the end with her chirping behind me, expressing how excited she was to head to China tomorrow.

The shooting of the programme will be at Henan, China, which was away from bigger cities like Beijing and Shanghai. However, I liked it that way since it only meant that I will able to rest in an environment that was slower in pace.

We left the next morning free of any errands as our flight was in the late afternoon. Hence, we were resting at home and checking to see if we miss anything out from our packing list. Packing for more than a month’s trip was really crazy. It was the first time I required two luggage and two hand-carry bags. Not to forget the instruments and equipment I needed for the programme. I had brought an electric and a classical violin, and also the portable piano keyboard that could be connected to the laptop for composing purposes. I had never learnt piano professionally, just occasional lessons from Ji Yong and the producers at my agency. Before coming to China, I had raised my concerns over my lacking piano skills since playing the piano was basic when composing music and President told me to learn from one of our instructors. So honestly, I was a total newbie at piano.

“What, why?” My head literally spun around to Yeh Jin in the kitchen where she was grabbing some snacks. Eyes widened in shock, my mind ran wild at what she revealed.

“Oppa actually could not make it, but I pestered him. It will be at least a month later for us to meet again. I did a good job in asking him to come, right?” She smiled innocently and I could not help but frowned at the idea even though I knew she was a sweet girl to think of me.

“You have been bothering the Big Bang oppas for weeks. They are probably busy, why make them come here?” She pouted.

“But Seung Hyun oppa feels bad that he could not send us to the airport, and said he would love to see you before we leave.” Knowing that Seung Hyun was only playing along with Yeh Jin, I suddenly felt weak at the thought of meeting him and sighed in secret.

“What time will he be reaching?” Nevertheless, I smiled as I went over to lightly embrace her from the side. No matter what happens, I have Yeh Jin. She was a gift to me and I suddenly felt like a real mother now that I was getting more involved in Yeh Jin’s life. That was probably why I felt the least irritated at her straightforwardness. The issue between Seung Hyun and I was for us to solve. It had got nothing to do with Yeh Jin. If Yeh Jin enjoyed the companion of Big Bang and especially Seung Hyun, I will be able to compromise and allow it. Ultimately, my only concern was Yeh Jin.

“About half an hour’s time.” Although confused at my sudden hug, she turned to give me a glance before continuing to munch on her cookie.

“Thank you for calling oppa over. That’s very sweet of you to think for us.”

“I only love three people.” She started as she turned and I broke the embrace around her. “Unnie is the first of all, then Ahjeossi. The last one is Seung Hyun oppa. Unnie is the best, so you should receive the best too. You and Seung Hyun oppa should last for a long time. Like literally, to the end of the world.” I chuckled at her words, even though I was pained with this fuzzy tension in my heart and tears shot up my eyes.

“Nope, if I have the best, then I would want to share it with you too.”

“So faster get married. Then we can all live together.” I quickly managed my expression and chuckled.

“Woah, hold your horses. You are too ahead in life.” She laughed and I instantly felt bitter because I knew right at that point, she was fantasising an impossible life with Seung Hyun and I. That was when the doorbell rang.

“It must be oppa!” And she zoomed to the doorstep and opened the door. I don’t have to walk out to know who came because she was already squealing in excitement and Seung Hyun’s small laughs showed the amount of care and affectionate he had for the girl. “We have to leave soon so quickly give unnie a hug!” Yeh Jin was pushing Seung Hyun inside as I slowly walked out of the kitchen. The man stood infront of me, my heart thumped and pained at the sight of him.

“Or are you two being shy to hug infront of me?” Yeh Jin asked cheekily as she skipped her way over with me staring in puzzlement until she gave a little bump at my backside and I fell forward. Seung Hyun caught me in time as I crashed into him and when I looked up, his widened eyes showed worry, probably concerned if I was hurt and I loved and hated how I was in a dilemma. I don’t know if I should tell myself to move on or hang on a little longer since there was still hope. With eyes widened in surprise, the both of us turned to the mischievous girl grinning at us.

“Oppa, don’t let go of unnie…~” She sang as she stepped backwards as she had her eyes on us until she stopped. “Give unnie a hug. She will miss you a lot when we are away.” She urged when Seung Hyun’s hands were holding on my waist.

“When Jin Hye unnie gets here in less than an hour, even if you beg us, we won’t even delay an extra minute to be with you.” I witnessed how Seung Hyun rolled his eyes in response to Yeh Jin, even though I knew he don’t mean it. The next moment, he stepped in closer and lightly held my head to his shoulder and away from Yeh Jin.

“Happy now?” He shot back and I was in an awkward position. However, most of all, my whole body felt weaker not because of his warmth, but because of his insincere embrace. His touch on me were only brushing at his fingertips.

“Don’t let go and keep talking, okay?” She called out loudly and I heard her running behind my back to the room to give us some privacy. My heart ached at the irony. Yeh Jin kept reminding him not to let go, but… Getting emotional, my arms gently s around his waist.

“Thank you.” Only two words were whispered despite having so much to say because I could not. Instead, I uttered those unspoken words that were meant solely for him in my heart while my grip on him tightened. Feeling my heart stopped when I realised the tighter I held, the looser his grip got, the words from my heart stopped flowing as my whole being stiffened when a strong blow hit at the back of my head. It finally came to me that not even a slightest chance for our relationship could be mended.

‘Now, Yi Jung. Does that answer you? It’s all screwed up. Beyond repair. All because of you.’

I back the wave of tears and nodded so lightly that only I know it.

‘Goodbye, my love. I love you.’

===

Omg guys, realised that I had this chapter sitting in my laptop for months and I did not upload it. No idea what's wrong with me nowadays, couldn't seem to be alert and focused that I even forget that I had the whole chapter already done and waiting to be uploaded. 

Nevertheless, hope that you still enjoy it, even though another blow came whacking Yi Jung. But I believe that one must be whacked in life for him or her to really start anew. Yi Jung is probably feeling the same. She was really dying to start anew. And sometimes, life forces us to learn something, let go of something, start anew something, and then grow a little stronger? 

Don't you think so, that the process of starting anew hurts so much?

P.S. Could not thank you all enough for all the support these years as I grow. Hope to hear from you soon!

P.P.S Seung Hyun is still one of the main characters so don't worry. It's not the end yet. All beautiful things (or relationships) don't come easy, right? 

Posted on 180420, 8:02PM