It was a muggy night in mid-June.

Seoul had entered the monsoon season since last week, which meant perpetually damp feeling stuck with everyone almost all day. To get rid of that unpleasant feeling, most people chose to leave the busy city life behind and run to the suburbs, climb up to mountainous areas or jump into the blue ocean.

 

When they were still working under the name MAMAMOO, by this time the girls had always dreamed about the day they could be like those normal people.

 

In the van driven them to event venues all over the country, Hyejin would talk about how blue the water in the Maldives was, how the sun was shining there and how her skin would be perfectly tanned. Wheein would talk about how relaxing it would be in a forest in the suburb, how cool the stream water was when you let it flow through your feet and how sweet the watermelon would taste there. Yongsun wanted to do something more meaningful. She wanted to build a tent by the stream and they would gather around the campfire at night, sharing their untold stories.

Not wanting to get sunburnt, Byulyi chose their destination to be the Bukhansan Mountain. She talked enthusiastically about how struggle the way up to the top was, how they would feel breathlessness in the middle of climbing and how their legs would tremble violently once they reached the top. The other members groaned loudly as soon as she shared her idea, protesting that it would be too tiring. Byulyi was not taken back by her members’ complaints but explained calmly that the harder they had to go through, the more satisfied they would feel when they could reach the top, filling their lungs with the fresh and cold air while capturing the whole view of the city by their bare eyes. Even though they were not completely convinced, in the end, the girls still accepted Byulyi’s idea.

Their same conversations always ended when their manager announced that they had arrived at the event venue.

“Let’s go to all of those places together in the future”, they pinky-promised.

 

And they did keep their promise.

 

The first summer after they had disbanded, the girls flew to the Maldives.

The Maldives was not like what Hyejin had used to imagine and tell her members.

It was way much more amazing. The turquoise water, sandy beaches and pure luxury.

Diving, snorkeling, surfing, flyboarding, canoeing… There was an endless list of thing-to-do there that they never felt bored. Or they could simply lie on the beach all day, hearing the whispering waves and let the cool ocean breeze blow over.

After all those years of living in the cheers of the fans, now what they sought for was just this kind of pure sound.

The girls left the Maldives after two weeks with completely healed soul and tanned skin, except for Byulyi who had covered herself from top-to-toe all the time.

 

The second summer, they went to a campground in a forest in Seoul’s suburb.

As soon as the older girls finished putting up their tent, Wheein and Hyejin were already soaked.

“She splashed water at me first.” The two of them pointed at each other at the same time.

While Yongsun was still busy mediating for the two young girls, Byulyi took out the water gun from her bag and started the battle. It was not until Yongsun complained about her audibility because of the amount of water in her ears did the war end.

They dropped their weapons and lied down on the mat which Yongsun had laid by the stream.Wheein squinted as the rays pierced through the foliage of the trees.

After all those years of living under the spotlight of the stage, now what they sought for was just this kind of pure light.

 

They gathered around the campfire after dinner.

The barbecue just now was pretty perfect, except that clumsy Yongsun accidentally burned some of Byulyi's favorite beef sirloin. Luckily, Byulyi did not sulk for too long thanks to the sweet watermelon which they had bought from a small market on their way and placed in the cool stream water the whole afternoon.

Yongsun looked the most excited about the campfire. She had been reading a lot of guides about how to be a successful host for months. However, at the end of the campfire, Yongsun learned that no tips needed to have a meaningful campfire as long as they were together.

It was meaningful because they got each other.

 

“Next year it’s my turn.” Byulyi said excitedly while driving them back to Seoul the next day as the monthly evaluation for the about-to-debut girl group was in that day afternoon. “Let’s climb up to Bukhansan Mountain next year!”

The others just smiled awkwardly. No words needed but they still shared the same thought.

‘Oh please don’t….’ It made them feel short of breath just by thinking but they didn’t want to upset their Byulyi.

Was there any miracle for them to skip this one?

 

“Waaaa….waaaa….waaaaa…..waaaa…”

Yongsun was jolted from her sweet dream by a loud wailing coming from the small audio baby-monitor on their bedside table.

“It’s my turn. Go back to sleep.” She said softly to her wife, who also shifted slightly as soon as the cries started, before getting up with still closed eyes.

After turning off the sound of the monitor and doing some quick stretching, Yongsun could finally open her sleepy eyes. It took her a few seconds to get her mind right, before she rushed to the connecting room in their bedroom.

“Mommy is here”, Yongsun murmured sweetly before picking up the fussy baby from the baby crib gently. “There, there, don’t cry”, she cooed repeatedly while holding the baby close to her chest, before starting to rock back and forth.

“Oh, you’ve slept an hour longer than last night”, Yongsun said in amusement after a quick glance at the small clock on the wall, 3.30 a.m. “Mommy can’t wait until the day you can sleep through the night.”

Sleep through the night

She wondered since when these words had become so luxurious to them.

Everything had changed since that day…

 

 

“Be careful, be careful”, Yongsun mumbled while holding the door for Byulyi, who was carrying their sleeping baby in her arms to get in. After two days, finally Byulyi was discharged from the hospital.

Yongsun nervously watched her wife putting their baby down in the cot beside their bed while holding her breath, afraid that the baby would wake up if she made just a small sound. It was not until she saw that their baby was all settled, still sleeping soundly did she let out a deep breath.

“Unnie” Yongsun turned her head at where the whisper came from, to see Wheein standing at the door, carrying their bags in her hands.

“You two should take a rest. Hyejin and I will prepare the dinner.” The younger girl said in a voice soft as a whisper before bringing their bags to the nursery room.

“Thank you”, Yongsun whispered back with a smile when the younger girl walked out of their room. Then she slowly approached her wife, who was sitting on their bed, staring lovingly at their sleeping baby.

“Welcome home”, she murmured before pulling her wife in a gentle hug.

“It’s so nice to be home”, Byulyi hugged her back, inhaling the good scent coming from the older woman. “I’m getting sick of the hospital’s smell.”

They kept hugging for a while, listening to the other’s calm heartbeats until Yongsun broke their hug.

“Get some rest, I will watch over her. You must be tired, last night you didn’t get much sleep.” She helped Byulyi take off her coat and spread the blanket for her. The previous night, her wife was woken up by the nurse more frequently to feed their baby.

“You didn’t sleep much either.” Byulyi said before lying down with the guide of the older woman.

“That hospital’s sofa is not as comfy as ours.” Yongsun joked while tucking her wife in the blanket comfortably. “It’s okay, I will get a nice sleep on our comfy bed this night.”

She smiled warmly as she saw the younger woman’s eyelids getting heavy in no time.

“Sleep well”, she mumbled to her sleeping wife before turning to the cot beside their bed.

“Welcome home, Haneul.”

 

 

‘I was wrong… I miss the hospital’s sofa…’

Yongsun sat on their bed with dark circles under her eyes, one hand holding a new diaper, the other one holding baby wipes box.

“Waaa…..waaa….waaaa…”

A wailing startled Yongsun just before she started to doze off while sitting.

“Yong, can you pass me the wipes box and a new diaper?” Once again, she was fully awake by Byulyi’s urgent voice.

“Here” Yongsun immediately passed the things she had been holding in her hands to Byulyi, who was taking off their baby’s dirty diaper skillfully. She stared blankly at her busy wife, not remember how many times she had been watching this scene since last evening.

Once her wife had finished, Yongsun picked up the dirty diaper and wipes, threw them to the trash can in their room, before going to the toilet to wash her hands. When she came back, she saw Byulyi feeding their baby, again.

Crying, eating, sleeping

Changing diaper, feeding, soothing

This routine seemed to be endless since the night started.

Yongsun didn’t expect their first night at home would be like this. When they were still in the hospital, the nurse took care of almost everything at night, except for feeding.

“Yong” Byulyi called out softly. “Why don’t you sleep in the living room? You have to go to work tomorrow morning right?” She said with a worry look on her tired face.

“It’s fine”, Yongsun shook her head immediately, even though her body was screaming in need of sleep. She glanced at the clock, 4.30 a.m. The sun was gonna rise soon.

“Let me hold her when she’s sleeping, your arms must be hurt.”

Byulyi had been holding and carrying their baby for the past hours as the baby would start to cry as soon as her mama put her down.

“I’m okay”, Byulyi replied her with a tired smile while trying to burp their baby after feeding her. “And I’m afraid she will wake up if we pass her back and forth.”

Yongsun stood and watched her wife in silence. She wanted to help too but didn’t know what to do. When she saw Byulyi leaning on the headboard uncomfortably as their baby had dozed on her chest, Yongsun finally moved her feet and sat beside Byulyi, letting the younger woman rest her head on her shoulder.

That was how their first sleepless night went on.

 

 

The second night was not better. Neither was the third one.

Haneul, who was an angel in the daytime, was still sensitive and fussy, only allowed her mama to hold her at night, while her two moms were already too drained because of the lack of sleep from the previous days.

Even though Yongsun and the maknaes took turns to look after Haneul in the daytime for her, Byulyi couldn’t sleep much because Haneul needed feeding every two hours since her small stomach was only able to take small amount at once.

“I wish I could put her back into my womb”, Byulyi mumbled helplessly while resting her head on Yongsun’s shoulder, Haneul was lying on her chest again. It had taken her thirty minutes to calm their crying baby just now.

Yongsun couldn’t find a word to reply to her wife. To be correct, her mind was not in the state to think right anymore. Her condition was not better than Byulyi, having to go to work in the morning after sleepless nights.

The two new moms just sat together in silence until they heard the birds chirping outside the window.

Another sleepless night passed like that.

 

 

Luckily, when Yongsun and Byulyi thought that they couldn’t survive in this long-term war any longer, their saviors had come.

The fourth morning after her wife and her baby were discharged from the hospital, Yongsun went to the company with a soulless body and a thick makeup, which could barely cover the dark circles under her eyes.

Just right before she was about to gulp down a can of energy drink to start her class, their producer Kim Dohoon called her to his office and gave her a one-week off. Yongsun didn’t know where she got those energies from to run back to their house that fast, after giving their producer a big ‘thank you’ hug, to find their moms had arrived.

The next thing she knew, she had thrown herself into her mother’s embrace, crying like a baby. Byulyi did the same when she saw her mom walking in their room. Having become mothers, they felt like they were the ones need to be mothered.

Yongsun passed out for 6 hours straight, only woke up to eat a late lunch before cuddling with Byulyi to sleep for another 3 hours, whilst Haneul was taken care by her grandmas after Byulyi had fed her.

After they woke up in the afternoon and Byulyi fed Haneul again, they took a bath together. Yongsun was humming a random song while shampooing Byulyi’s shoulder-length dark hair, which had been cut and grown naturally as Byulyi couldn’t dye it during her pregnancy.

Thanks to their moms, they were able to enjoy a short peaceful time.

Their moms left after dinner, saying that they would come in three days. After sending their moms to the car, Yongsun went back to their room and was welcomed by her wife’s warm smile. The two fully-recharged moms exchanged an understanding look: they were ready to face the war again.

The first week after Haneul was born was like a battle. At the end of the first week, Haneul was back to her birth weight while Byulyi lost half of the weights which she had gained from the pregnancy.

 

 

Things were getting better and easier since week two.

Haneul became less sensitive and calmer at night that Byulyi wasn’t required to hold her the whole night like before. Even though sometimes the cries still lasted for half of an hour, but Byulyi could manage to put her down on their bed or her cot, or pass her to Yongsun a few times. Gradually, they learned Haneul’s routine and took turns to steal some sleep when the baby was sleeping, which helped them be less exhausted.

The first time Haneul fell asleep on her chest, Yongsun had to try her best to hold back her tears in order not to startle her sleeping daughter.

“She’s so cute”, she mumbled with a shaky voice. Just by that moment, she forgot all the tiredness she had been through the past days.

In the last day of week two, Haneul’s umbilical cord stump fell off. Yongsun wanted to save it but got rejected from her wife.

 

 

The third week was full of new experiences.

Their moms came again and helped Byulyi to give Haneul her first tub bath. Yongsun and the maknaes stood and watched in amusement. It only took less than five minutes since they were worried about her getting cold.

Yongsun helped with drying Haneul’s soft hair. She attempted to give Haneul a new hairstyle but got scolded by her mom instead.

When Haneul was three weeks old, they introduced her to the bottle.

Yongsun could finally experience feeding their baby. Unsurprisingly, it was a failure at the first try.

It was not until they had changed a few different types of s did Haneul start the milk from the bottle.The maknaes celebrated the moment with a clap, while the two moms shed happy tears.

Haneul also started grasping things. She grasped her mama’s shirt whilst being fed. She grasped her aunties’ pinky fingers when they were cooing at her. Especially, she liked to grasp her mommy’s long hair whenever Yongsun lied down beside her.

“Yongsun-unnie is gonna be bald someday.” Hyejin teased when she saw Byulyi struggling to remove Haneul’s tiny but strongly gripping fingers off her wife’s hair.

 

 

In the fourth week, when Yongsun thought that she was gonna be able to relax and not have to worry much as Haneul started to have an exact routine, she noticed a big problem.

One day Yongsun got home from work, exciting about seeing her beautiful wife and adorable daughter again, to find Byulyi was dealing with their fussy baby alone. She had forgotten that the maknaes had classes in this morning too.

Yongsun didn’t waste any second to roll up her shirtsleeves and wash her hands carefully before walking in their room, ready to take crying Haneul from the younger woman. To her surprise, as soon as she offered to help, Byulyi barked at her before carrying the still-crying baby to the nursery.

Yongsun was dumbfounded at the situation. When she was able to load what had happened, there was only her left in their room.

Yongsun looked around their room. On their bed, there was a half-full pump. There were new diapers, clean baby towels and different kinds of milk bottle on their bedside table. Pacifiers, baby clothes, baby flannels,… Byulyi had been in this place for almost 24 hours every day for four weeks.

Yongsun sneakily looked into the nursery as Haneul hadn’t stopped crying after minutes. Her heart clenched when she noticed the wrist support bands on her wife’s hands. Byulyi’s wrists were always weak since she had injured them a few times in the past. But now she had to carry a three-kilogram baby more than 12 hours a day.

Yongsun slapped her forehead hard, blaming herself for being too heartless. She should have noticed this earlier.

She left their house while making a phone call.

 

Byulyi let out a tired sigh and sat on their bed carefully in order not to wake the baby in her arms up. She stared at Haneul’s peaceful sleeping face, her cheeks were slightly pink because of crying. ‘So cute’, she smiled unconsciously.

However, her smile faded as soon as she remembered what she had done just now. She felt regret.

Even Byulyi didn’t understand why she behaved that way, why she got mad at the older woman, why she pushed her wife away.

It was just she suddenly felt so frustrated. She was tired, and Haneul’s cries only made it worse. Recently, she easily got distressed over small things. She was gonna blame her hormones for making her be like this.

When Byulyi still lost in her thought, their room’s door was opened. An arm sneaked in and turned off the light.

“Congratulations ~ Congratulations~ You’ve been an amazing mom for 25 days~~”

Yongsun was approaching her while singing, her hands were holding a gateau cake with some lit candles on it.

Byulyi was stunned by the surprising event. Little did she know, tears already started falling on her cheeks.

“Blow out the candles”, Yongsun said with a smile.

Byulyi did as being told, before hiding her face in her palm, crying harder.

“You’ve done a great job”, Yongsun murmured sweetly when she placed a light kiss on Byulyi’s forehead, before pulling her into a comfort hug with one hand, the other one holding the cake. They stayed in that position for minutes, Byulyi still sobbed whilst burying her face in Yongsun’s shoulder.

 

This kind of surprising event was not Yongsun’s own idea. Byulyi was the one who started doing it first.

When Byulyi yelled at her just now, Yongsun wasn’t too surprised, because she had also done it to Byulyi many times before.

She yelled at Byulyi when the practice didn’t go well. She screamed at Byulyi when the younger woman offered to help with her unfinished song. She barked at Byulyi when the younger woman asked if she was okay. Yongsun had used to express her anger, her pressure of being a leader on the younger woman a lot.

It was a bad habit of human, always expressing negative feelings on the one they loved.

In those times, Byulyi had never yelled back, sulked or turned her back at her.

In those times, Byulyi always brought her a cake, small or big, lit some candles and made up every kind of reasons or anniversaries to celebrate. She would sing congratulations song, do some funny dance or make funny face. Yongsun always said it was too childish, but actually she enjoyed very much.

Byulyi always took care of her when she was down, and Yongsun would do exactly the same to her.

 

“I’m sorry”, Byulyi said between her sniff. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I just-”

“I know”, Yongsun interrupted. “It must be tiring for you. I’m sorry. I should have noticed it sooner.”

“Should we cut the cake?” Byulyi said while drying her own tears, trying to light up the atmosphere as well as herself.

“No”, Yongsun replied firmly, which gained a confusing look from her wife. “Let’s leave this cake for them.”

As soon as Yongsun finished her words, the door of their room was wide-opened. Wheein, who had changed into new set of clean clothes and washed her hands carefully, walked to where Byulyi was sitting and gently took sleeping baby Haneul. Meanwhile, Hyejin walked to Yongsun and took the cake from her.

“Have fun unnie”, Hyejin winked at Byulyi, who looked confused with what was happening, before walking out of the room with Wheein and Haneul.

“Let’s go”, Yongsun announced as she stood up.

“Go where?”

“Take a bath, we have to change into better outfits”, Yongsun said calmly. “Let’s have a date today.”

Byulyi broke down in tears again.

“Aigoo, our crybaby”, Yongsun chuckled before pulling her wife into her warm embrace, Byulyi’s back gently like how she did when she calmed Haneul.

After they had taken a bath together, Yongsun helped Byulyi to change into a beautiful outfit, apply a light makeup and put on her high heels before going out. They went to a luxury restaurant to have lunch, bought two tickets of a rom-com movie to watch and stopped at a small game center near their house.

When Yongsun heard the younger woman’s exciting laughter, she knew that she had made the right choice.

From that day, Yongsun tried to spend more time talking with Byulyi whenever she could, while Byulyi also learned how to entertain herself at home.

By the time Haneul began to make little cute noises when she saw her moms and her aunt