Half a year ago.

It's the eighth week of pregnancy. The baby was the size of a plum, has a face and hands and a beating heart. It was early evening and I could see magenta and orange clouds in the west as I washed the dishes. I had prepared dinner for the both of us, macaroni and cheese and a small salad. I even took my vitamins and consumed a large glass of milk. Ji Yong hugged me from behind as I did the dishes and I hummed, imagine the little being inside me hearing the humming, filing the humming away for future reference at some subtle, cellular level, and as I stood there, onscientiously washing the salad bowl, I felt a slight twinge somewhere deep inside, somewhere in my pelvis. It came and go, so it didn't matter to me. 

Ten minutes later, I sat in the living room, Ai's head and watching the TV lazily, there it was again, a brief twang on my internal strings. I ignored it. Everything was fine. Ji Yong watched me worriedly and I worried about what he was thinking for a second, then resolutely ignored that, too. I did not start to really worry for another half hour or so, because the weird little sensations were beginning to resemble menstrual cramps and I was even feeling that sticky blood feeling between my legs and I got up, walking into the bathroom and pulled down my underpants, coming face to face with a lot of blood.

Oh my god. 

Ji Yong came rushing in and I tried to sound okay, "I need to go to the hospital."

The pain was becoming intense and before my legs could give way, he held me firmly and carried me up. 

Ji Yong put me in the front seat and drove off. We didn't talk much and I looked out the window. Everything was unusually sharp and emphatic, as though I needed to remember, as though there would be a test. He turned into the drop-off for the A&E and I got out. He left his Aventador there, not worrying about it being illegally parked. We walked through the doors that opened automatically as our feet pressed the ground, as in a fairy tale, as though we were expected. The pain had receded like an ebbing tide and now it moved towards the shore again, fresh and fierce. There were a few people sitting abject and small in the brightly lit room, waiting their turn, encircling their pain with bowed heads and scrunched up expressions. I sank down among them while Ji Yong walked over to the lady sitting behind the triage desk. I couldn't hear what she said, but when she said 'miscarriage?' it dawned on me that this was what was going on. 

It had happened again. 

The word expanded in my head until it filled all crevices of my mind, until it had crowded out every other thought, I started to cry. 

After they'd done everything they could, after I had been so very careful, it happened anyway. I had been sleeping and when I woke up, it's late at night and Ji Yong was there. He looked pale and hollow-eyed and he didn't say a word.

"Oppa..." I mumbled. "Why..." 

He leaned over and carefully embraced me. I felt his stubble against my cheek and I was rubbed raw, not on my skin but deep in me, a wound opened and his face was wet. 

With whose tears, I wasn't sure. 

♀♀♀♀♀

Present.

I miss it. I don't even know to call it a 'him' or 'her'; I will never get this answer. 

Ji Yong misses it too... 'Miss' is an understatement. Ji Yong is bereft. He can walk into rooms and forgets why he is there. He can sit staring at his lyrics score without scribbling anything for an hour. However, he doesn't cry. He smiles when looking at me, he eats when I put in front of him. If I try to seduce him, he will go along with it, making love to me. 

But I know how he's exactly feeling. 

One time, he had went down to the basement to his garage where he would create his art pieces there. I had followed him behind secretly and I saw him sitting with his canvas. Nothing came and as he closed his eyes, I closed too. When I opened them again, he was up on his feet, grabbing a tube of watercolour, dark red and a