ENTRY # 13

Dear Future Self,

     Have you ever asked yourself why things happen in ways that you can’t even describe? Well, things aren’t always what they seem, so get yourself ready for one heck of a roller coaster ride.

Kyuhyun

“What do you want?” Kyuhyun looked at Siwon with a sour expression on his face.

Siwon bit his bottom lip as he looked down on his feet, not wanting to make eye contact to the man before him. “I…” There was a long pause because Siwon couldn’t quite bring himself to speak.

“I...I…what?” Kyuhyun crossed hims arms and tapped his foot as he waited for Siwon to answer.

“I just, I just want to talk to you…and apologize as well.”

Kyuhyun examined Siwon’s expression and he seemed legitimately sincer. He sighed. “Okay, c’mon in then.” He stepped aside to let Siwon in his apartment. “Yesung isn’t here because he had to go to his new job.”

Siwon winced when he heard that because he had been responisible for Yesung losing his restaurant. He suddenly contemplated as to whether or not he should tell Kyuhyun about it. Kyuhyun told Siwon to seat on the couch as he sat on the single sofa near the other man. Kyuhyun looked at Siwon but he didn’t speak this made Kyhyun a bit irritated. “I thought you wanted to talk?”

Siwon looked up and scratched his head. “I did.”

Kyuhyun raised an eyebrow. “So speak.”

Siwon bit the inside wall of his cheek. “I don’t know where to start.” He was being honest. He really didn’t know. Everything is blurry and scary.

“Start with that fake court documents you gave me then.” Kyuhyun sat comfortably in a cross legged position.

“Right. I’m sorry I did that, I just didn’t know what to do when you told me that you didn’t want to continue with our deal.” Siwon felt Kyuhyun’s gaze on him and it made him feel uncomfortable.

“I really don’t know what your deal is but you really shouldn’t have done that, don’t you know that it’s illegal to falsify court documents?” Kyuhyun was doing all he can to stay calm and not scold Siwon because he’s afraid that Siwon might snap again and beat him into pulp like what he did to Yesung the other day.

Siwon looked at Kyuhyun and frowned. “That’s why I’m apologizing.” He was starting to get frustrated because it seems that their conversation is getting nowhere.

Kyuhyun sighed. “I don’t think that you’re very sincere with your apology.”

“I am.” Siwon said forcefully. He really didn’t know how to deal with this kind of situation because he never had to in the past. Everything is still relatively new to him and it’s getting really irritating.

“Well, I can’t feel the sincerity in you.” Kyuhyun concluded.

This is starting to go downhill fast and Siwon needs to perform damage control. “I..I don’t know how to navigate this…I haven’t been in this position before and…”

Kyuhyun’s eyes went wide. “You’ve never apologized to anyone?” This was a real shocker for the younger man because he’d never heard of a person not being able to apologize even once in his life.

Siwon shuffled in his seat, this is really making him uncomfortable. “Yes.” He said honestly. Kyuhyun seemed taken aback by his answer and he couldn’t blame him. How can a grown man never even had the experience of apologizing?

“I’m strange aren’t I?” Siwon offered.

“Wow.” Kyuhyun couldn’t think of anything more to say because it was really surprising.

“Can you tell me why you act that way?”

Siwon was hoping that Kyuhyun will not ask him that question but he did, he guessed that the other man’s journalistic side comes into play in every conversation that he has. Siwon didn’t really know what to say anymore because it’s embarrassing to admit that he is suffering from an incurable condition. “Do I have to?”

Kyuhyun raised an eyebrow. “Well, you did come here to talk to me? Right?”

He can be very straightforward. “I’m not sure I can trust you with that information.”

Kyuhyun knitted his eyebrows together. “You really need to see a psychiatrist.” He snapped at Siwon.

Siwon flinched. It stung that Kyuhyun had to say that especially when he’s going through this all alone. So, he decided to man up and tell Kyuhyun. “I have IED.” He said.

Kyuhyun’s eyes widened. Of course he’s heard about Intermintent Explosive Disorder. He’d once made a documentary about it when he was in college. He knew that it’s a disorder that really affects someone who’s had a very traumatic past and if it is triggered, that person would have a sudden outburst. “You have IED?” He could not believe it.

Siwon nodded as his story spilled out. Words just purely came out of Siwon’s mouth and Kyuhyun found himself listening to Siwon’s heartbreaking story. From the car crash, to him waking up in the hospital with just the butler and his parents went to a business trip as soon as Siwon was admitted to the ICU after being operated, how he went to those painful rehabilitation process all alone and how he began to steer clear from his parents because he’s angry at them.

Kyuhyun couldn’t help it. His tears started to flow as Siwon started to tear up as well. “I hated my parents for leaving me alone in that very difficult time. That’s why I always make excuses when they aske me to come home because I can’t look at them. It may trigger those memories that I’ve long since buried and it may cause me to have a mental breakdown again. I want to forgive them but I couldn’t because they never apologized to me.”

So that explains why Siwon never, ever apologized to anyone. Feeling very brave, Kyuhyun stood up from where he was seated and enveloped Siwon in a tight hug. Siwon went stiff at first but melted into Kyuhyun’s arms as the younger man caressed Siwon’s back as he cried his eyes out for the very first time in a very long time.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry….”

When Siwon calmed down, he looked up and pulled Kyuhyun in for a kiss much to the other man’s surprise. It wasn’t the first time that they kissed but it felt like it was. It was gentle, passionate and calm and Kyuhyun found himself loving every second a bit.  Suddenly, he felt Siwon taking a little control and began to get on top of Kyuhyun which he didn’t bother to protest to. Siwon began to kiss Kyuhyun’s neck and he giggled. He had always been ticklish there and it turned Siwon on. He trialed his kisses back to Kyuhyun’s lips and deepened their closeness even more.

Oh my gosh am I about to lose my ity? Kyuhyun felt suddenly hot as the anticipation excited him even more. He was about to Siwon’s top when the door creaked open. He looked to his side and saw Yesung standing there with a bag of his favorite Lays Salt and Vinger Chips and two bottles of Soju. He had this surprised expression on his face as he looked at Siwon to Kyuhyun. His mouth made a slight “oh” and he looked down.

“Sorry to have interrupted you guys…I’ll just leave and get back in a few hours.” He turned to leave.

Kyuhyun shot off from Siwon and pushed him off. “Yesung, wait!”

“You look busy Kyu, I’ll just celebrate with you later because my boss loved my cooking skills, anyway, have fun with him.” Without anymore words, Yesung left Kyuyhyun’s apartment.

Kyuhyun turned to look at Siwon who had a bemused expression on his face. “It’s not funny, Siwon.” Kyuhyuhn glared at the other man who in turn walked towards him and wrapped both arms around his waist.

“Why don’t we continue what we’re doing?” He leaned forward but Kyuhyun’s eyes steeled at him.

“Is this your plan?” He asked point blank.

Siwon looked at him, clearly perplexed. Then it hit him. His face suddenly filled with worry. “No, I never planned anything like that. What I said was true Kyuhyun. I wouldn’t lie about that.”

Kyuhyun raised both hands in defeat as he peeled Siwon’s arms around him. “How can I be so stupid to believe you?” He said hoarsely as he backed away from Siwon. “You faked those court documents and I’m sure as hell that you can fake anything you want! Even that sob story you told me! Wow, how can a person be this conniving?” Kyuhyun did not let Siwon get a word in edgewise. “You can win an Academy Award for that performance, Dr. Choi, an award for a Best Actor in a Very Pretentious Role! I admit yoy got me with that one.” Kyuhyun paused as he eyed Siwon angrily. “You’re one ed up son of a .” He said.

Siwon felt constricted already. He stood there with his fists closed tightly. Why can't he believe me?

Suddenly Kyuhyun opened the door. “Leave. Now!”

Siwon looked at Kyuhyun and his shoulders slumped. He reluctantly exited the apartment and flinched when hthe door slammed loudly behind him. His anger started to flow again. He suddenly punched the concrete wall and felt a very hard, stinging sensation on his fist. Blood spilled from his fist as he angry wove out of the halls of the building not even caring about the looks people were giving him.

END OF ENTRY # 13

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