“We should just go back home and wait for Chorong-unnie to call.” Hayoung looked down, her body sore from all the walking they had done that day.

They’d been looking everywhere for Bomi, from the company to the girl’s favorite spots. The ones that they knew of, at least.

“Chorong-unnie said something about the river,” Eunji pointed out. “She hasn’t contacted me since then, so I guess she’s found her? Let me call and check.”

It was in vain. Chorong didn’t pick up. Bomi didn’t either, something they had been expecting anyways. No matter how long Eunji kept the phone ringing, she got no reply.

“Should we just go look for them?” Naeun had a worried frown on her face.

“I think we should,” Hayoung added. “But do we even know the spot unnie talked about?”

Eunji shook her head, worried, but they decided to walk down the Han River in its quietest and calmest place, where a concerned Bomi fit right in for some alone time.

“Do you think she’s okay?” Naeun asked softly, holding hands with Eunji while they walked down the shore. The sun would be setting in barely minutes, and Bomi had been missing for a couple of hours.

“Yes.” Eunji was Bomi’s number one believer. “She has to have a reason for this. Even if we don’t find it important, she will. She wouldn’t scare us if it wasn’t for something she’s been thinking about.”

“And you heard what Chorong-unnie said,” Naeun nodded and continued, “she’s been skipping her chemotherapy sessions. Why would she do that?”

Eunji paused to look at her girlfriend, her eyes blinking back tears.

“She knows this is useless.” Eunji looked at the maknaes, who were walking in front of them, far enough so they wouldn’t hear their conversation. They weren’t children anymore, but still, Eunji couldn’t help it. “She knows that only a miracle can save her now.”

Naeun stopped walking and pulled Eunji into an embrace. When they moved apart barely seconds lately, the younger girl moved forward to kiss a lonely tear away from Eunji’s cheek.

“But it can do her good,” Naeun spoke slowly. “It can lengthen her time. It is worth it.”

Eunji looked at Naeun intensely, her fingertips caressing the back of the other girl’s hand.

“That’s something for her to decide.”

∼

“I wasn’t going to jump, you know?” Her words were still meticulously measured, soft syllables emerging from her tired lips.

“I know.”

Chorong wouldn’t look at her. They had been sitting there, on the very edge of the bridge hovering over the Han River, for what felt like days. And no words had come out of Bomi’s mouth until then. Chorong didn’t want to pressure her, no matter how much she wanted to know how the younger girl felt. So she just waited for Bomi to put her thoughts in order until she was ready to talk.

“I’ve been coming here for the last few sessions.” Bomi’s voice was so soft it was almost difficult for Chorong to hear her, no matter how close they were. “I know I’ve disappointed you by doing this, but I just couldn’t get myself to endure any more of that, because we all know how useless it is. We know there’s no actual hope.”

Chorong was ready to complain, there was no way she would let Bomi be that pessimistic with herself, but the younger girl pressed her fingertip against Chorong’s lips, quieting the leader so she wouldn’t interrupt her.

“Please listen to me first, unnie.”

Chorong nodded, and Bomi left her arm down, her hand back on her lap. She remained quiet for a few seconds, staring intensely at her fingers, her hands, her perfectly-manicured nails and the wrinkles caused from movement. When she started talking again, her voice was louder, but every word seemed to be designed in such a careful manner that seemed to mean the world to its owner.

“I’ve seen how the doctors look at me, how they deeply regret not being able to help me. They know I’m a lost cause. Some hopelessly devoted ones believe that a miracle will save me in the very moment when I need it, and that I only have to pray to be saved by God. But we all know that isn’t true. Miracles are a one-in-a-lifetime thing.”

“But you haven’t had your miracle yet,” Chorong interrupted her girlfriend, realizing her mistake in that very second but glad that she had used Bomi’s words against her. A miracle per lifetime? That would be everything they could need.

Bomi didn’t answer. Chorong thought of interrupting her again, but she didn’t want to confront her girlfriend in a moment like that, so she just let it go.

“I know you, and all the members, will feel disappointed and mad and maybe even desperate, but this is my choice. This is my choice, and I’m the one who has to live with it. Or not live, you know…” Chorong imagined the beginning of a smile growing in Bomi’s face. When she continued, her voice was way more determined. “I am stopping the chemotherapy sessions. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow, but I wanted you to know it first. I’ve been coming here to clear my thoughts, to decide what to do with my future, with my time. It seems like life has gone by in a blur and now I’m just here waiting to know whether something else will come after it or that will be it. Nothing else. Just ashes to ashes.”

Chorong looked at Bomi, her eyes roaming freely all around the girl’s face. The birth of tears could be appreciated in Bomi’s eyes, but she was obviously trying to be strong enough not to let them fall. Not yet.

“But I’m not ready, unnie.” Her voice cracked, and so did Chorong’s heart. “I don’t want to go yet, but there’s nothing we can do about it.”

She took a deep breath, trying to find enough strength to continue.

“I’m just going to live for the time being,” Bomi said. “Really live. I want to spend my time enjoying the little things. Music. Landscapes. Family. Friends. You. I don’t want you to agree with me, because I know you won’t. I just want you to understand completely how I feel and let me decide for myself.”

Bomi linked her hand with Chorong’s, the warmth of her body travelling towards the other girl’s.

“I know love is wanting the best for the other person, but to me love is also understanding. Love is mainly understanding,” she was whispering then. “Love is being open to everything. Love is being brave, but also being a coward. Love is being fearless, but being scared of some things. The future scares me. Not my future, exactly, but yours. I want to give you all the moments I can. All the sunshine, and the smiles, all the kisses and back-hugs and light-hearted jokes, all the hopes and dreams and everything I can ever give you so you can remember me forever. So you keep me in your heart.”

Chorong opened in reply, her eyes watering in a matter of seconds, but Bomi shook her head softly, and the leader closed those pinkish lips once again, swallowing nervously. This was too much. Bomi was too much.

“But can we just stop talking about depressing things?” Bomi smiled, but that smile didn’t reach her eyes, not completely. “There’s more to life than worrying about the future. We should worry about the now. We should cherish it.”

The night had fallen upon them when Bomi looked around. She hadn’t even noticed that time had gone by this fast, and here they were. On that very same spot in a very same intimate situation.

“You said I haven’t used my miracle,” Bomi whispered against Chorong’s eyelids before moving back so she could look at her entirely, contemplating her girlfriend’s perfection in all her glory, “but I have. You are my miracle. You filled my life with happiness. You are the light in my shadows, the joy of my every day. You are more than I could wish for. And I can’t thank you enough. I can’t love you enough. My only purpose now is to try to give some of that happiness back as much as I can. As well as I can.”

Before Chorong could say anything, Bomi looked down at her lap and then moved her eyes back to the older girl’s, their gazes locked in a sealed future pact.

“So, Park Chorong, will you marry me so we can embrace that happiness together?”