“No! I don’t want them to go!” Bomi had raised her voice and her conversation with Chorong was about to be made public. “I don’t want you to go either, unnie… We’ve talked about this.”

Chorong sighed at her girlfriend, but her will was weak in front of her feelings, and she let Bomi win this time.

“Okay, but I’m driving you,” she said. “That’s the deal.”

Bomi looked at her, still mad, but she ended up agreeing. She packed her bag and followed Chorong out of their room.

“Unnie…” She pulled the leader by her sleeve. “You know why I’m saying this. I just don’t want you to see me like that. I don’t want you to see me surrounded by tubes and needles that make me weak.”

“They will make you stronger,” Chorong corrected her. “That’s where you’re going so you can get better.”

“And you truly believe that?” Bomi’s words were so bitter that Chorong had no reply for them. It was too much for her to handle.

“Eunji-ah?” She looked for the girl while they were making their way out. The rest of the members were still sleeping, but they had a mission for the afternoon. “Make them something to eat when they wake up and talk about… you know what.”

Eunji nodded in understanding and put a hand on Chorong’s shoulder for support.

“I’ll be back with Bomi-ah in a few hours and I’ll make us dinner afterwards,” she finished. “If manager-oppa calls, send me a text.”

She finished with a frown in her forehead. There were too many things going on in her mind at the same time and it was a lot to cope with.

“I will. Don’t worry about anything. Bomi-ah?” She looked at her best friend and gave her a couple of cereal bars and an apple. “This is for you. You need something in your stomach before you go.”

Bomi smiled and thanked her friend. She was glad, and thankful, that Eunji hadn’t told her any awful comments like “I hope it goes well” and all those meaningless words people often said. She felt like she needed no one’s support right then, but she was glad that Chorong wouldn’t leave her to go on her own, not the first time, at least.

After all, she was just a girl. And she was scared.

∼

“Good morning.” The yawn accompanying the words made Namjoo shut her eyes in a very cute way, and it made Naeun laugh.

“Good morning, Namjoo-ah,” she said. “Or afternoon, to be correct.”

Namjoo looked at the huge clock they had hanging from the wall. The pale paint that covered the kitchen’s walls was the perfect match for the disheveled but lovely clock that made sure they never got late to a schedule.

“Wow,” the girl said. “It really is late.”

“Oh yeah,” Hayoung entered the kitchen. “You’ve been sleeping for so long! I was afraid the soju had had some bad side effects on you.”

“You’re not funny, Hayoung-ah.”

“Actually, I think I am hilarious.” She winked at Namjoo when answering.

Naeun sighed, and asked the girls whether they wanted anything to eat before they waited for Bomi and Chorong.

“How’s Bomi-unnie?” Namjoo asked, full of rice. “Did you see her before she left? Was she nervous?”

It was Eunji who answered, entering the room while Namjoo asked the question.

“She pretended to be okay,” she said. “She’s so cool with this. Or she just wants us to believe that.”

Hayoung nodded slowly. She stared at her plate of fried rice for a few instants, then she made a sad smile and started eating once again.

“I’m sure she’s okay.” Naeun laid her hand on Hayoung’s shoulder, and the maknae lifted her gaze to stare at her best friend. “She’s really strong. Too strong for her own good.”

She smiled and, even though that smile hadn’t reached her eyes, Hayoung made the effort of smiling back at her.

“So,” Eunji started when the members looked like they were paying attention, “we have things so discuss.”

No one said anything, so Eunji decided to continue with the explanation.

“We are announcing our disbandment,” Eunji said. She sounded really sad while saying that, even though she was obviously trying to sound neutral. Naeun linked her fingers with hers so the contact gave Eunji strength to continue. “And we need to decide what we’re going to say. To our fans. To the outer world. Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Namjoo couldn’t believe it.

“Our poor Pandas…” Hayoung was staring at the floor. “I don’t want them to be disappointed in us…”

Namjoo pulled the maknae close into a hug, and soon Hayoung grabbed Naeun’s wrist and pulled her in as well, carrying Eunji along with her. The four girls shared a hug that talked about sadness and fear and hope.

“Unnie,” Naeun asked Eunji when they pulled apart. “Where are we going to live from now on?”

Hayoung looked alarmed. She hadn’t realized that disbanding meant no Apink, no activities, no promotions, no being an idol and no having a dorm paid by the company.

“The president said we can keep the dorm for now, since this has all been pretty much unexpected and nothing has been resolved yet,” Eunji explained. “Not even our contracts are over. So we still need to go over hundreds of details and decisions that we’re putting off for now.”

Hayoung was looking down, and Eunji sighed. Namjoo was too quiet, but she just didn’t know what she was supposed to say then. That’s why they had a leader, to take care of them all in situations like this.

“What’s wrong, Hayoungie?” She looked at the maknae attentively.

“I’m not sure,” she answered honestly. “I guess there’s too many things to think about.”

Eunji smiled sadly, and looked at the maknae in the eyes.

“Don’t worry,” she said calmly. “We’re all here. It’s going to be okay.”

∼

“Are you sure that you don’t want me to go in with you?”

Bomi looked at Chorong hesitantly. She wanted to do this alone, she’d known for days now, but she also knew her girlfriend’s argument. And Chorong was her weakness, after all, the only one who could make her think about it once a decision had been made in her mind.

“Are you completely sure? You know what the doctor said about–”

“I know what the doctor said,” Bomi cut her girlfriend mid-sentence.

“So?” Chorong stared at the steering wheel, her knuckles becoming white. She had known that this would happen, but there was this part of her that hoped Bomi would come to her senses and realize that she needed someone with her in there.

“Don’t worry, unnie,” Bomi leaned forward to peck her girlfriend on the lips. “It’s okay. Just be here in time to pick me up, will you?”

“Of course.” Chorong smiled sadly, and Bomi kissed her again, on the cheek this time. “Call me if you need anything, will you?”

“You know I will.” And she got out of the car.

“Bomi-ah? One last thing,” Chorong stopped her. “When’s the last time you called your mom?”

“Uhm… Two days ago?” Bomi shrugged. “When we got home from Jeju Island.”

“You should call her today again,” Chorong said, her face all seriousness. “She worries about you a lot, even more now that you’re starting chemotherapy and she can’t be here with you.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll call her,” she smiled. “I’ll do it as soon as I can.”

And there she was, making her way into the hospital on her own. She had talked to her new doctor beforehand and knew exactly where she was supposed to go. The second floor had this strong smell, hospital smell, and it was so white that Bomi thought she could go blind by staring at it for a long time.

I can do this, she told herself. This will heal me. I need this. I can do it.