Hyunseung

“Hyunseung?”, his deep voice startles me, “Are you sleeping?”

It is dark in the big hotel room. Of course, I’m not asleep. How could I fall asleep when Junhyung and I share a bed?

“Hmm.”, I answer shortly without turning around.

“There is something I wanted to talk about….”, he hesitates, “…about…well you know the thing we talked about…in the shower…”

I freeze.

“…maybe…you should give up.”, Junhyung concludes his chain of thought.

Give up?!

I hesitate and minutes in silence pass by which feel like an eternity.

“Ah. Forget it.”, Junhyung finally breaks the silence and turns around. Now we are laying back to back in the big comfortable bed.

“God knows, that I wanted to give up multiple times.”, I softly reply – I´m not even sure if Junhyung can hear my whispering voice, “ but the heart wants what it wants.”

Junhyung heard everything but kept quiet because there was nothing left to say.

--

Still Hyunseung

Same night just a couple of hours later

I can feel his comfortable warmth through the bed sheets. It is the middle of night and Hong Kong´s city lights are gently illuminating his handsome features. The charismatic rapper is soundly asleep while I’m not. I don´t want to close my eyes. I don´t want to fall asleep. I want to watch him sleeping forever. I want to enjoy this rare opportunity of spending time with him to the fullest. I carefully move an inch forward. A while ago he turned around so that we are facing each other but now I’m so close that I can feel his warm breath hitting my face. The smell of his shampoo still lingers on.

I don´t even want to blink because I want to see everything. Everything. I want to see every one of his sleeping expressions - his grumpy face when he has a nightmare and his smiling face when he has a sweet dream. And then I’m going to wonder what it is he is seeing in his dreams and if I’m a part of it or if I’m not. If it is it me he is seeing…am I a sweet dream or a nightmare?

Still. I don´t want to miss anything so I quietly watch you sleeping, hear you breathing and feel your heart beating. Although it´s late and we need to get up early tomorrow morning in order to prepare for the concert. I wish we could stay like this forever. Just you and me until the end of time.

I can hear my own fast heartbeat. It beats so loudly that I fear he might hear it, my unrequited love. Just once. Just this one time. I will allow myself to listen to my crying heart, which endured so much hardship over the last years. Just once, I’m going to give in. I’m going to treat me and my broken heart to a little something.

“Junhyung.”, I whisper gently. Even to me, my voice sounds kind of hoarse and surreal. But this is a chance of a lifetime. So I muster up all my courage.

I slowly move forward in order to take what my heart wants. My medicine. My drug. The one thing in my life I will never give up.

His smell and the warmth which radiate from his skin, make me dizzy. His breath gently hits my face and I draw it in.

I slowly close my eyes.

And for a split second – for a fleeting moment- our lips meet.

And we share a kiss which is as gentle as a butterfly´s touch.

I back off quickly and observe him carefully.

And this is the difference between him and me. While he is still soundly asleep, I feel like my heart is about to explode. But for now, I don´t want to care. I don´t want to waste my precious time thinking about the bitterness of this unrequited love. All I want to do is cherish this night and the limited time we have together. Once the sun rises everything will come to an end and the burning sensation on my lips will be yesterday´s memory.

So for now I want to be lost in this moment, forever. And with the knowledge that the darkness of the night encompasses us protectively and tomorrow´s sun will bleach every truth and every memory out, I whisper gently:

“You are what my heart wants the most.”

“I love you, Junhyung.”