Geurim

“Didn´t you say that you wanted to drink soju?”, Oppa asks me after his fourth glass of the clear liquor. I just nod and pour him another glass.

“But you didn´t drink any.”, he states and accepts his newly filled glass.

“I´m taking it slowly.”, I say smilingly.

“Slowly? What do I become then? Drinking so much alcohol in the afternoon just because you insisted that you wanted to drink some.”, Oppa says and ruffles my hair gently.

Displaying a side of him only I know about. I smile and he smiles but as it is often the case his smile doesn´t come from within. As I had suspected something is going on behind the scenes lately and it has nothing to do with his busy solo debut activities.

Only when Oppa drinks he lets go of his facade and his deepest feelings come to the surface. Although I’m not sure if he himself even realized it.  

Oppa gulps down the drink and starts staring into blank space. I carefully observe him out off the corners of my eyes. I´m sure that he is thinking about a million things right now and all of them are related to Junhyung. His pained face expression doesn´t allow any other conclusions.

Oppa never talked about it. Never. That´s why, I could never ask him anything directly nor could I listen to his sorrows or give him any direct advice. I´m doomed to stay at the sidelines and watch silently. So I just pour him another glass of alcohol and stay by his side in case he opens up to me which won´t be the case but anyways. I sigh.

“Are you ok? Did something happen at school?”, he asks me suddenly with a worried look on his face. That´s, what I like about my Oppa. Although he might not show it all the time but he is really concerned about me. Acting like an older brother should act.

I just shake my head and smile: “No, everything is fine. What about you? Are you ok?”

He looks at me for a couple of seconds before he simply nods. Another couple of seconds later he adds: “Yes. I´m fine.” And I know that nothing is fine.

At first I hated it. I was disgusted by Oppa and for the longest time I was denying the obvious. Oppa loving a man - it was unheard of. Disgusting. Abnormal. I tried to convince myself multiple times that I simply misunderstood or miss saw things, that my intuition was playing games on me. But the more I tried to convince myself from the contrary I saw it more and more clearly. My Oppa loved a fellow teammate. Junhyung. And the more time passed this one-sided love was eating away his soul.  In the beginning I thought that Oppa would snap out of it soon and get back to his senses.

But now I know that I was young and stupid back then. You don´t just `snap out of` loving someone. Just remembering my behavior makes me want to puke and I feel ashamed of myself, so I get one glass of soju down myself.

It burns in my throat, but warms my insides at the same time. I look at my brother who is still living in his own little world and fighting his inner demons. This past six years must have been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride for him and so much I wish I had the power to help him - I don´t have it. Neither does someone like Seyeon. I gulp down another shot of soju.

“Oppa?”, I say quietly with a soft voice. There has been something on my mind lately and I wanted to tell Oppa so many times but I couldn´t find the right time. It is sort of random, but sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

“Hm?”, he just answers.

“There is this story I wanted to tell you.”, I start carefully.

“What kind of story?”, he asks.

“Maybe you already heard about the kissing stars?”, I ask.

“Is there a new celebrity couple?”, he asks immediately and looks up to me – his eyes displaying his curiosity.

“No. Not a celebrity couple.”, I clarify, “ I mean, have you heard about the two stars in the far off Tarantula Nebula who are sharing a passionate `kiss` and merging into one single star?”, the second it leaves my mouth I´m embarrassed and I feel like face-palming myself. This is just too random and weird. But first and foremost just weird. I can already feel how I start to get bright red of shame. In a pathetic attempt to overplay my embarrassment I start to tidy up the table.

As soon as I started to clear away the empty bottles, my still confused-looking Oppa notices my sudden discomfort and ruffles my hair.

“That´s really romantic!”, he says smiling. It is like a warm light gets ignited inside my heart and I put the bottles down.

“Yes. It is.”, I say bubbly, thankful that he understood my point. That´s, what I love about my brother the most. I could be the weirdest and most awkward person ever or the baddest person ever, but my brother would always understand me and love me for the way I am. I don´t have to pretend to be someone else if I’m around him. That´s, why I love him the way he is – gay or not- my brother is my brother and I want him to be happy. Cost what it may.

“I´ll be right back.”, Oppa says suddenly and gets up. I just nod and watch him leave the room. I guess he had to go to the bathroom or something like that. I take a look at the clock. 5.21 p.m.

I still have enough time to fill him up with alcohol and make him talk. I´m determined to get it out of him today. Today is going to be the day I will make him tell me everything. While I was still deep in my own thoughts, Oppa´s phone suddenly started ringing. The second I saw that it was Manager-nim who was calling, I picked it up.

“Hello?”, I say carefully.

“Ah, Geurim-shi. Where is Hyunseung?”

“He stepped out for a second. Why?”, I ask.

“Ah, ok. Can you let him know that a recording session was scheduled for this evening?”

“Ah, yes. Of course. I will tell my brother.”, I say.

“I´m going to pick him up…at around 8 pm.”

“8 pm? Isn´t that a little bit too late?”, I ask while pulling my eyebrows up.

“Ah, yes. I´m sorry but it can´t be helped. Will you tell him to get ready by 8pm?”

“Yes. I will let him know.”, I answer shortly and hang up. Carefully I put Oppa´s phone back on the table. So there is going to be a recording session tonight, I don´t have much time – is what I was thinking as my Oppa enters the room.

Hyunseung

As soon as I get back and sit down Geurim pours me another shot. It sure is nice to drink with Geurim from time to time. Our tempers and personalities are a lot alike that´s why, we get along really well. The only problem is that sometimes I get the feeling that she can read me like an open book and when she looks at me like earlier today or talks about some weird romantic stories out of the blue, it is like she can see right through me into the depths of my heart, which makes me uncomfortable and reminds me not to lower my guard around her. No matter what, I’m not going to tell her that her Oppa loves a man.

“Oppa, drink up.”, she says and hands me my glass over.

“Ah, yes. Thank you.”, I receive it and gulp it down. I wonder how Doojoon is feeling. I couldn´t get a hold of him after I received his text this morning. He and Yoseob are still in Barcelona. I huff by the thought of it. Doojoon really likes to torture himself – even insisting on using one room with one bed. I shake my head as I’m completely engulfed in my own thoughts. I´m really worried about him.  

`Disgusting. He said. Disgusting`

“What are you talking about? Did something happen?”- I texted back immediately. Although I had a vague feeling what this was really about. And it left a bitter taste in my mouth.

`I don´t care anymore. In the end we are alone from the beginning to the end. That´s why, tonight I’m going to get wasted.`

“Get a grip. Stop drinking…”, I paused for a while, for a long while and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I watched the hair stylist blow-dry my hair for the live show case later today and my own thoughts trailed off. If Junhyung said I’m disgusting what would I do? And I´m pretty sure that Doojoon was referring to Yoseob just now. I would want to get wasted, too. So I changed my previous text into:

“Get a grip. Stop drinking…beer and get the hard liquor instead. After you drank to your heart’s content and partied your sanity away go to Manager-Hyung´s room. Don´t go back to your own room! No one knows what you might do. Unterstood?” – I texted him back but he never replied.

And of course, I have been worried ever since then. Geurim already opened up another bottle.

“Is that our third bottle?”, I ask as she refills my glass.

“No. Our fourth.”, Geurim answers while she eyes me suspiciously, “What are you thinking about?”

I try to avoid her scanning gaze and look down on my glass: “Nothing really.”

I know that that is not enough to satisfy her and her curiosity. Once she tasted blood there is no stopping her, that´s why I quickly add: “I was thinking about a friend.”

“A friend? Why?”

“He has problems.”

“What kind of problems?”

At this point I wonder why I didn´t get suspicious or started to wonder, but Geurim didn´t ask me who that friend in question was. What I couldn´t know is that Geurim thought that I was talking about myself. So I went on.

“Love problems.”

Geurim who was excited that her Oppa finally decided to open up to her asks: “What kind of love problems?”

“It is an unrequited love.”

My little sister enthusiastically pours me another glass. I watch how the wavy surface of the fluid slowly calms down before I resume what I was talking about:

“He had this one-sided crush on someone but I think he has finally given up.”

Geurim chokes on her drink and starts to cough as she inhaled the liquor into her lungs. Instantly I start to strike her strongly on the back – between her shoulder blades. She is still coughing as her tears come falling down. It takes her a couple of minutes to recover. With red teary eyes she looks at me. Her face turned red due to the huge struggle with the alcohol.

“Why would he give up so easily?!”, she suddenly bursts out angrily.

I´m so perplexed that I´m lost for words.

“I asked why he would give up so easily!”, she nearly screams, “Did he already say all the things he wanted to say to the person he loves? Didn´t he get my story about the two stars merging together, although it is a nearly impossible thing to happen?!”

I have no clue what she is talking about. Really no clue. Why would Doojoon know about her star-story? Maybe it is THE time of the month. That would explain her little emotional outburst. Women sure are terrifying.

Things he wanted to say…to the person he loved…unspoken words? I wonder if Doojoon confessed or not? I didn´t ask. I just assumed it.

Geurim gets up suddenly: “I need to go to the bathroom. Don´t run off! We are not done talking!”

As soon as she finishes her last sentence she speedily sets of. Dumbfounded I stay put as I have been told. I check the clock. It is already 6.48 pm, or still – depends on how you want to see it. How many hours was the time difference between Spain and Korea? 8 hours? Or more? But I think they should be up by now so I start to search for my phone in order to check up on Doojoon.

Without me realizing it my phone must have dropped onto the floor. Because it lies in between two seat cushions.

As I pick it up I feel a sudden urge to check up on Seyeon first. I don´t know why – maybe it is just the alcohol- but I suddenly have an uneasy feeling inside my chest. So I find myself dialing her number. She picks up after the second ring.

“Hello? Oppa?”, Seyeon says bubbly, “Oppa, can you wait a second. I´m kind of busy right now. Can I call you back in a second?”

“Sure.”, I reply and hang up. The uneasiness inside my chest increases. Something is off. I pour myself a glass and drink it in one go. Geurim still hasn´t returned from the bathroom. I check the time once more: 6.51 pm. I gulp down another two shots of soju. 6.52 pm. She hasn´t called me back yet.

In one hand I´m anxiously holding my phone and in the other I´m frantically holding onto the bottle of soju – feeling like my life depended on both of them. I slowly start to feel dizzy.

I don´t know if it is due to the alcohol or Junhyung or my fatigue or Doojoon´s despair – maybe due to a little bit of everything-  but suddenly I feel overwhelmed by my own emotions. Emotions, which I desperately tried to seal inside my heart, but slowly come to the surface – a cocktail of strong love mixed with fear, hopelessness and tiredness.

 I look other to the spot Geurim sat.

Kissing stars? I start to chuckle bitterly – for seconds and seconds. I can´t seem to get a hold of myself. It is tragic and funny at the same time. I know that she told me the story in order to lift my mood but it had quite the opposite effect. Kissing stars - she said, although it is more like: the last kiss of two dying stars, before they destroy each other. I heard about it, too, Geurim-ah. I heard about it, too, and my laughter gets stuck in my throat.

“Oppa? Are you alright?”, Geurim asks me with a worried look on her face. I was so deep in thought that I didn´t realize that she got back from the bath.

“Ah, yes. I´m ok.”, I snap out of it and force a smile on my face. Once again I check the time. 7.04 pm. Over ten minutes passed by already. Maybe I should give Seyeon another call – is what I was thinking as my phone suddenly starts to ring. I pick it up instantly.

“Hello?”

“Oppa? Hello! I´m sorry. It took me a second.”

“What took you a second? Where are you?”

“Oppa, I was pu…”

“What? What did you say! Hello? Seyeon-ah! Where are you!”

“Calm down, man…YAH! That tickles!”

It hits me like lightning and I drop the bottle of soju on to the floor. Hoarsely I ask in a whisper:

“Why are you two together?”

Silence.

“Junhyung?”

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