Junhyung

Things have been awkward between us- for a while now. I can´t really recall when it started…but on the long run it became weird between us. Honestly. We have never been best friends, just co-workers. But even so…this situation is kind of ridicilous. But the important point is…why the hell is it bothering me? Why? I´m on my way home. Driving. And all i think about is Jang Hyunseung. Am i for real? It is late and i´m so drained.

I just want to take a bath and sleep. So why the hell do i care? We are busy preparing for our comeback this summer-i should concern myself with other stuff-important stuff. But that betraying back-stabber! Years ago he told me, that he thinks that my songs are the best and that he is happy to perform my songs…but they were not good enough for your solo stuff?! He didn´t want me to participate in his solo album because he wanted to break away from the beast image and create a character of his own?!

He wanted to break away from me. Is that it, Jang Hyunseung? Is that it. Suddenly i feel really annoyed. I wished i could call him out-but i don´t have his number. Another awkward thing between us. Up until now nor did he ask me for my number neither did i. Things are so twisted. If we need to contact each other-we call another member like Doojoon or Kikwang or Yeosob or Dongwon- well, actually anyone will do except contacting him directly. Without a second thought I turn up the volume of the music while driving.

I´m really annoyed and that makes me even more annoyed of myself. Because I feel like i´m giving it to much thought. Why do I care? Why do I have to care? If he wants to do something different then please just go ahead and do what you want…but still. I really feel betrayed. It is like everything I did in the past years all my affords for our group…for our team were in vain. And Hyunseung´s actions made me feel like this. Miserable.

Even tough it is past midnight there is a lot of traffic. Maybe i´m impatient but today my way home feels so long. Focusing on the traffic, my thoughts and the music made me not realize it at first but then it strikes me like lightning. My heart starts to pound faster and i feel like burning up all of a sudden. The unfamiliar streets are familiar. Hecticly I open the window of my car in order to get some fresh air and clear my thoughts. I´m on my way home….but not to mine..to Hyunseung´s. I must be completely out of my mind. Am I for real? How the hell did I end up driving halfway to Hyunseung´s house in the middle of the night?

A red traffic light stops me and gives me a couple of seconds to calm down and get my act together. As Doojoon said to me before I need to calm down, be understanding and supportive to Hyunseung´s decision.  As of tomorrow he will be promoting his solo stuff I wasn´t involved with. Of course it hurts my pride…but whatever. I don´t care anymore. It is late and I want to go home! I had enough of today.

As the traffic light turns green I make a u-turn and step on the pedal harder. While driving I start leaving all my unnecessary thoughts behind and try focusing all my thoughts on getting home, taking a bath, seeing my cute little dog and sleeping. Before my brain was able to catch up to it I found myself singing. A song. In the car. While driving.

Like a seat belt, your hand held mine so tight (but not anymore)

It made me more comfortable than anything in the world

…

I step on the pedal harder

So our memories will break away

I open the window, bye bye

So my remaining feelings will scatter away

Oh oh the good times, oh oh the bad times

I´m leaving them behind, drive drive drive…

(English lyrics to Drive by Beast)

While driving through the darkness of this night I do not dare to get to the bottom of the feeling in my chest. Even if it is vague it is still there…the feeling of a broken heart…and the anticipation of another sleepless night.