Early Autumn 2014.

Seoul.

It’s funny when I realized I could make myself a good psychiatrist but still stuck in business major that I didn’t even understand any of it. I could easily read people once I looked into their eyes, digging story life from them, and somehow making them to trust me. I have this ‘drop your story here’ written all over my face.

Four months and the idol Oh Sehun, despite of his busy schedule, making time to borrow book. Not every day but at least once to three times in a month. He would ask me through SNS if there is any new good book to read – okay don’t ask me how did he get my SNS, Mrs. Kim gave it to him when I didn’t come one day – and I would love to recommend to him some books. I also have some electronic book and I would gladly share to him, in case he doesn’t have time to go to library and he would gladly read them.

Simply book review can turn out to sharing experiences in life.

Sharing experience can ended up with different argument – God is exist, he said. God isn’t exist, I said.

Different argument will ended up in long debate, which is tiring.

I find him unexpected person. He was not the stupid idol I thought he would be. He was not that cool I thought he were. He was smart enough, he is far away from being cool, and he’s not that funny, he tends to be less talkative and shy.

I don’t remember how it started but lately we spend more time in SNS than in real life, which I prefer to be like that. He’s an idol. I don’t like getting myself bashed by those stalker for stealing their idol. Because he is an idol also, I realized that we only contract as ‘books buddy’ nothing else.

Once I couldn’t handle myself for being fragile. I usually tend to keep any problem by myself but that night was an exception.

Bananay: Hun-ah… Busy?

Sehun: Not at the moment. Just slaying around

Bananay: You know what?

Sehun: What?

Bananay: I did a suicide try by cutting my vein with a cutter

Sehun: How can?

Bananay: I don’t remember why and when. I always have that thinking of wanted to die so I buy a cutter on the way home and try to cut my vein

Sehun: Did you?

Bananay: I didn’t. I just remembered I hate blood

Sehun: Thanks God

Bananay: You know?

Sehun: What is it?

Bananay: Despite of me being a bookworm, I started drinking alcohol and smoking at 19 years old. A year later I drug myself

Sehun: Really?

Bananay: Yeah

Sehun: How about now?

Bananay: I don’t know. I still have my cutter but I don’t drink every day and I haven’t drug in long time

Sehun: You remember God?

Bananay: I live without God for years. Why should I?

Sehun: Back to God. He will guide you back home

Bananay: I can’t

Sehun: Why?

Bananay: Once I’m here in this world, I’ll never comeback

Sehun: Then take me to your world

Bananay: I can’t

Sehun: Why can’t I?

Bananay: I don’t want you to

Sehun: Then, are you happy?

Bananay: I forget how happiness feels like

Sehun: Seriously?

Bananay: It’s hard to differentiate between a real happiness and try to be in happiness

Sehun: What can I do to help you then?

Bananay: Nothing. I just randomly tell you this story

Sehun: Okay

Bananay: I just want somebody to hear me, that’s all

Sehun: Then, why me?

Bananay: I don’t know… Because you’re just someone I know?

Sehun: Someone you know?

Bananay: Yeah. You’re just a passerby. That way, it will makes me more comfortable

Sehun: Glad then. Hi, passerby

Now I regret saying that. Call me naïve, but how much I want us to be more than stranger. If he stays stranger, I just cannot hold myself to tell him more and more story. I become more depend on him. It’s hard having a day without any news from him, without his cheesy flirt and his random line sticker. And I need to remind myself: he was not mine to begin with.