And He Took Her to Neverland - gaksitalGaksital
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NOTE: (Spoiler Alert)
(7/10) Title: Great title! Inspires somewhat of a "A Midsummer Night's Dream" feeling. It was a good choice to begin the title with a conjunction in that it coerces the reader into wanting more. But in spite of it all, the overall sentiment is rather clichéd.
(5.5/10) Character: I could see the characters blossom and change in the way you intended, but definitely not as smoothly as intended. Setting changed at least three times per chapter, and with each change came a somewhat different version of the girl. None of the changes was too drastic from the other, but you could have done better by sticking to one general setting, or using transitions.
(5/10) Originality: Talk about a twist. I couldn't have asked for a better ending to the crazyness that had transpired throughout the course of the story. But at the same time, no other ending could have saved this story in context to reality. The concept of Neverland was described in a way that persuaded me into thinking that it was an actual supernatural part of the plot, and that threw me off considerably. Your dreamy use of metaphors emphasized the AU concept, and there were little to no hints regarding the nonexistence of Chanyeol's physical presence.
(25/40) Storyline/Plot:
An interesting concept with a lot of upside potential for character development, but overall poor execution with the abrupt changes in scene a hindrance to the flow.
(19/25) Grammar/Errors:
Consistent grammar across the entire story. English isn't your first language? Then a big dose of adulation from me!! Regardless, your diction isn't the best. Way too many metaphors. If you do want to use metaphors, use them in a sneaky and connective way that creates parallels and has true value to the themes of the story, not metaphor after metaphor with each passing sentence. Vocabulary can also be superfluous, e.g., "supercilious eyebrow." (I don't know if that was a stylistic choice that was intended to be of thematic value; either way, it didn't stick out in a positive light from my point-of-view.)
(2.5/5) Overall Enjoyment: I can see how hard you tried to characterize each person to the best of your ability; however, the lack of flow prevented me from indulging myself in the romance. I appreciated your efforts to take it step-by-step, though, and the fact that you thoroughly expanded upon all aspects of the girl's life before fully diving in allowed for smoother understanding.
(64/100) Points Total
Bonus:
If anything, the major problem in this story was that too many things happened within a single chapter. I suggest you split each one up into smaller increments for better continuity. Great job in challenging yourself to develop characters in the way they should be developed.
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Review for: gaksitalGaksital
Requested on: 03/18/2015
Finished On: 03/22/2015
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