TOMORROW: Phantom of the Past

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: InfinityRaphsodyl

Requested on: 02/18/2015
Finished On: 03/11/2015

NOTE: 7 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(10/10) Title: I believe the title to be wisely chosen, though its full meaning is not easy to grasp yet. Only in the latest chapters it is revealed that the protagonist is from some group of people known as “Tomorrow”, therefore it is already possible to see how this words becomes a “phantom of the past”. Also the title is a unique play of words, even an oxymoron.

(8/10) Character: I am usually against the authors having so many characters but this time seems to be one of those rare ones, where the big number of characters actually fits the story. It looks as if every character has its deserved place. Yet, I see a couple of problems with characterization. Since there are a lot of different roles, at times it is hard to understand which characters are more important and on which ones the reader should focus. I did not notice any particular oddities in any of the characters, but Sena made me wonder once. It feels irrational for her to push Suho away when she is taken into the trial. You should expand more on her inner monologue, explaining why she took such decision.

(10/10) Originality: There is quite a number of stories based on future and futuristic wars or whatsoever, but I see your story rather original. Maybe that will change later, if you take a slightly different course. As for now, you get all points for originality.

(35/40) Storyline/Plot: The flow is not bad, but the pace is definitely too quick. The story is being developed so fast that it is hard to understand what is going on in the end of the day. It becomes difficult to comprehend what is happening and even who is who. What bothered me very much, for example, was how quickly the trial was held. Try to write longer chapters with observations on the situation from several people's point of views. For example, what are Sena's thoughts, how does Suho feel about his soon-to-be-wife being brought into the trial, does Kai have any suspicions of Sena?

(17/25) Grammar/Errors: You have stated that you have friend who helps you with your English. I am sorry to kind of be the bad news bearer, but they are not doing a good job. Your vocabulary is somewhat okay, but from time to time I see you using wrong or awkward words. Also, you mix tenses a lot. I have written down some of the mistakes from first three chapters:
Chapter 1 – “every orphan, or victims of the war, were taken” – “every orphan and victim of the war was taken”;
“Until human's ego and selfishness take control” – “until man's ego and selfishness took control”;
Chapter 2 – “the guy who slept beside her said” – “the guy who slept beside her asked/worried”;
“wrapping the girl in his arms” – “embracing the girl”;
“back into reality” – “back to reality”;
“she hurried to go to bathroom” – “she hurried to the bathroom”;
Chapter 3 – “would over soon” – “would be over soon”;
“she knew long ago” – “she had known for a long time”;
“didn't remember where his family or relatives are” – “didn't remember his family” or “had not clue where his family was”;
“the two of them has” – “the two of them have”.

(3/5) Overall Enjoyment: I think I would not read this story on my own because of bad grammar, but these first seven chapters do not seem too bad in terms of originality.

(83/100) Points Total

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