Too Innocent? I Don't Think So

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: leejiwoon_18

Requested on: 02/12/2015
Finished On: 03/07/2015

(I'm terribly sorry for taking so long;
Also, you asked me not to be too harsh,
so I am strict only with grading but I will not
expand on every detail for the review  might
come out too harsh.)

NOTE: 3 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(10/10) Title: The chosen title might not intrigue a new reader very much, but it is original and accurate. It makes people wonder who and why is “too innocent” and it also shows the main twist and idea of the story – something or someone is not as it or they seem.

(4/10) Character: The number of characters was way too big. There was no need to include all of the EXO, because they did not really have much to do. Also, including CL, B.I, Mino and then talking about Big Bang and 2NE1 was totally unnecessary. You could have portrayed G-Dragon and CL as leaders of a big and famous group of rappers (like Jay Park and Simon D are co-CEOs of AOMG – a record label of artists, who feature in each others songs and often go on tour together). Also, then putting G-Dragon and CL in such position, you can avoid naming all the bunch of performers (except for Bobby since he has a rather big role in the story). To put it simply, having a lot of characters is never a good choice, unless you are writing a long series of books like Harry Potter or Game of Thrones. Another reason why I am giving such a small score for characters is because of the lack of character development. You can see some glimpses of the progress with the protagonist Kwon Jiyoon, when her true identity is revealed, but that is not what “character development” truly is.

(10/10) Originality: Surprisingly, I find the storyline original. It is so mainly because Kwon Jiyoon is the sister of G-Dragon and I have not seen him being involved in a story in a such way before. Also, there were some other details I found intriguing and interesting. For example, even the mere fact that the protagonist is being used by a guy so he could hide his true relationship.

(20/40) Storyline/Plot: The plot is just a huge mess. There are way too many events happening, so the pace is rather quick. You should try to expand more and give more attention to every thing that takes place in the story. Be more aware of all the actions done by your characters and give more details, reason every move and decision they make. Also, how you use term “gang” is a bit awkward. I will tell more about it in the next section, but what considers storyline I wanted to say that those “gangs” just appear randomly and it is difficult to understand what you mean by people being in gangs.

(10/25) Grammar/Errors: Your grammar skills are really poor. It may not seem extreme to you, but the main issue with bad grammar is that it makes the text harder to understand and draw in less attention, therefore you get fewer readers who go through the whole story. I did not write down the mistakes because there were too many, but I can name the main errors. They wold be: mixture of Present and Past Simple tenses, wrong usage of words and their prepositions, grammatical forms of verb “to be”. I highly suggest to get a native English-speaker, who would be willing to read the story and help you to improve. And last but not least, I will explain a bit more about the word “gang”. It is more of conversational English rather than academic or whatever else you'd prefer to call it. When used in standard English, however, this noun has more negative meaning to it, because it refers to a group of people who do illegal stuff.

(1/5) Overall Enjoyment: All in all, I would not say I liked the story very much. Some parts were original and I was really amused by them, but that is it.

(55/100) Points Total

Feel free to give any further questions.

Please don't forget to credit our shop's logo in your Foreword.