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Author: KimmyNurry
Reviewed By: Uniquestel

Requested Date: 2/17/17

Review Completion: 3/18/17
Story Link: Link
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Bonus:
- Who is Rei in general? Like, what's her weakness? 
- Is BamBam really that type of character? 
- Why can't the yakuza tradition just stop? They're rich already, and reasonably speaking, it's more trouble more than its worth.
- What about Hana? What more can I know about her?
- I want to know who Miyu is. I want to know how she truly feels for Rei. I want to know how much she trusts JB.
- Rei's grandfather- I want to know how he feels about Rei from the very beginning and why he felt that way.
- Rei's grandparents from her mothers' side. How do they feel after the loss of their daughter? How do they feel when they know that there's a possibility that Rei is going to suffer the same fate as their daughter and they can't do anything about it?
- Mark- I want to know what Mark Tuan is fully capable off. What is Mark's greatest strength and ability? Why is he appointed as alpha?

Title: 09/10

Logical: 3/3

  Logically speaking, it summarizes the entire story. The story is simply revolving around a yakuza [Rei] and an alpha [Mark]. It's bluntly speaking and doesn't hide under the bush, I like it. 
Eye-catching: 2/3
  I guess it catches the eye of a few adventure-lover readers, especially ones that love werewolf stories- but for me, not so much. See, the title sounds a bit off for some reason I can't explain. If this wasn't assigned to me and I'm scrolling down from a bunch of Mark-tagged stories, I'll probably miss this one.
Original: 4/4
  The title is very original! I had never seen a title before and the 'yakuza' factor really chains the title perfectly. I don't even know what yakuza means, and this is certainly the first time I'm seeing it!

Description/Foreword: 07/10

Summary: 3/5

  The description is kinda, I don't know- not descriptive? I'm not mgoing to beat around the bush here, but the description is really confusing. It sounds more like a foreword, sneakpeek or an introduction. While we need to make descriptions attractive to lure readers in, we also need to make them DESCRIPTIVE. Your description only gave me one [already obvious] thing to expect: the story is an au of werewolves. I need some juices of your story- who's the main lead? What's her life like? Is she a human, is her family sane- what's her biggest problem-- what? I need to know that. I'm not saying to basically spill the beans, just give me some information I can hold unto. I don't need to know what anyone looks like because you can describe that on the chapters, but that's a convenience, so I guess it's good. However, I really need a spill on what's going to happen. 
  You can start off by giving a short description about Rei [the main lead], then describe the weight she feels when her family [or grandfather] pressures her then after that push Mark in all that drama. Readers always wants some shift on main characters, it's what makes them realistic and vulnerable. 
Appearance: 4/5
  The appearance is actually neat! The short introduction from you, the credits andeverything falls into its own ccord. It's not scattered around and that's nice to see.

Character Development/Showcasing: 05/10

Development: 2/5

  First off, I am sincerely sorry for the extremely low score, but please allow me to explain myself. The characters were... well, something. I am asking in advance to please not get offended with anything I say, I am only voicing my thoughts.
  Rei [your main protagonist] is a plain character. Don't get me wrong, I love her sassiness and independability but she's a bit plain. I normally read and see characters like her on several occassions [an example of her character is Hermione Granger from Harry Potter and Kristy Thomas from The Babysitters Club, metaphorically speaking]. She doesn't seem human to me, her traits were too flawless. She's literally perfect! She's pretty and she doesn't know it, she's smart and totally capable of college, she comes from a strict and dysfunctional family, her parents died from an incident, she shares a hate-love relationship with a freaking hot guy- just everything! I can't see a single flaw in her. She is skilled in healing and fighting. Though she suffered on several scenes from unbearable injuries she managed to live. These is all too unrealistic. The female lead is clearly human [as you told us multiple times] so I want to see some vulnerability. Not just the breakdown about her parents, just some flaw. Rei is literally the badass version of Mary Sue. I hope you can portray her being human in the sequel, because really, she's too unrealistic. 
  Mark Tuan, for one, is too bipolar. Is he somehow suffering from a bopilar disorder? I swear, he's too confusing. Kind from one minute and then suddenly cold and untouchable. He changes character swiftly like flicking a light bulb. However, his character is still okay compared to Rei's. I didn't expect him to be completely flawless because he's a werewolf, and despite of him still being human, werewolves are usually portrayed as the perfect boyfriend material. His character is quite expected [as the few werewolves story I read has a similar character to that]. Mark is portrayed well here, but there are plenty of room for improvements!

  I want to describe more of the characters, like JB and Miyu's strange blossoming relationship and BamBam's unrealitic clinginess, but I'll be repeating the same thing again if I do. Your characters were all flat, none of them were dynamic [which I was disappointed to found since I'm a er for dynamic characters]. The only flaw I found in your characterization is the fact that everything is a bit absurd. There's plenty of room for improvements, so I'm hoping the sequel can offer those. 
Relation/Cast: 3/5
  The relationship of the characters are a bit unusual, but it's okay compared to the development.
  Miyu and Rei's friendship is a bit off. Miyu not even trying to find out a bit about Rei's life is quite questioning. Sure, Rei kinda told her off, but Rei basically know what Miyu's family is and how they live, surely- Rei can share a bit. I am not an expert on friends but as far as I know, a friend would always try to find out a bit about their friend, not because they want to feed their curiosity but rather because they care. they would want to know if their friend is doing okay and if she or he is not getting hurt. Miyu not prying at all in the beginning had me questioning whether she is a true friend of Rei or not.
  Rei's relationship with Mark is the typical love-hate relationship. That, by far, is the relationship I could understand. However, the way their relationship works is kinda abrupt and unnatural. 
  The only "okay" relationship I found is GOT7's relationship with one another. They were literally like brothers! You have portrayed their relationship as a pack rather well and neat. 

Behind the Author's Mind: 23/40

Logical: 05/10

  Your story didn't appear much logical to me. there were a lot of phoney baloney sandwiched in the storyline. Though Rei is trained ever since she can hold a knife or something, it doesn't necessarily mean that she has to win battles all the time. That, by far, is purely absurd. She survived every unhumane injury that could have killed a normal being. 
  Her grandfather, Kawaguchi, didn't appear logical either. That man is probably older than Nokia, but he can still fight like a champ without his back killing him. That's much more absurd than the given example previously.
  Miyu being nonchalant about staying and sleeping with a bunch of strangers [not to mention, werewolves] is illogical. How can a girl going to college not know this? I get it, she's from a tough family, but sleeping undera bunch of strangers' roof? Really? 
  To summarize these, the story appeared to me as rather unrealistic. Some scenes could be further explained from the narrator so it could add up to the voice the narrator carries and not make readers furrow their brows in confusion.
Original: 07/10
  Well, I'll give you kudos for having an original storyline! Maybe it's the fact that I don't read werewolvesau that much [I'm more of a vampire lover], but I haven't seen a werewolf story like yours before. However, I had read a few highschoolaustories that resembles your story's structure. However, your story still appeared creative and quite original to my eyes.
Tone: 2/5
  The tone of the narrator often varies in different sets, and is quite confusing. I had no idea when the narrator is frustrated or feeling the night, I had no idea what try of tone she is trying to convey at all.

Naration: 2/5

  The narration is confusing. The perspectives keep changing every single time. One moment it's in the first perspective, next moment you know it's in the second perspective and then the third point of view. Like, who's talking now? 
  I'll advice you to stick to one or two perspective and give the readers a heads up when you're changing perspectives. Really, I can't understand some scenes due to this complication. If your chosen perception is first, stick with what the narrator can see. If it's second, fit the reader in the narrator's shoes. If it's third, you're free to roam around- but don't roam too far. If you want to choose first and third point of view, by chance, then give readers a heads up by putting a header or something before the narration. 
Storyline: 07/10
  The storyline appeared quite messy and sloppy, but it gives you exactly how a youth develops and feels kind of vibe, so it's pretty good. It could be constructed more to make it better, but it's good. 

Proper Use of the English Language: 15/25

Proper Grammar/Punctuation: 05/10

  I'm a certified grammar nazi, so please understand where I'm coming from with all my points from below. There were a few sentences that sounded off and not properly constructed, but taken that English is not your first language, it's quite understandable. 
  There isn't much to point on your grammar but your punctuations. You should end a sentence with only one thought to make it not sound murky. You should also insert commas when you're enumerating something. if you're enumerating with totally different stuff that doesn't categorize together, put a comma before the and [example: laptop, cellphone, and books]. When you're coming to a short halt [like two seconds stop] put a comma, and when you're coming to an end [like a three seconds stop] put a period. Make a new paragraph one you're done stating a point. 
  I'll recommend you this app to help you set off: link. I had recommended this to my friends and they all love it. It doesn't necessarily correct your grammar [like MS word] but it teaches you how to correct it. It's an awesome app, trust me!
Termonology: 2/5
  Your words were understandable, but do know there's always a room for new words. The only thing I have learned in your story is what "yakuza" means, but apart from that, nothing else. Expand your vocabulary and spread your wings. Sky is the limit. New words are always welcome in literature. This helps the readers learn and it expands their use of vacabulary as well.
Language Barrier: 08/10
  Aside from a few Japanese and Korean words that were necessary to use for formality sake, there wasn't too much foreign words that made it sound like a narration from a weeaboo/koreaboo type of ish.
  Thank you for sticking to English! I really love stories that stick to English bas much as possible. For me, the reason why English K-pop fanfictions exists, is for international fans to at least understand something that the natives can't just read [I find that funny every single time, sorry not sorry]. I love how you only used necessary words when using foreign words. 

General Enjoyment/Last Comment: 3/5
  I am extremely sorry if I appreared to mean and strict. But hey, this is better than getting a sugar-coated review, right? Anyway, I am sincerely sorry again if this somehow offended you or made you feel discouraged.
  However, I am only trying to enourage you to push on forward and do new things. Sky's the limit, remember? I only want you to see what you are capable of and what your story can reach. It's a good story, and I generally enjoyed it. As a reviewer, unfortunately, I have to point out the flaws that I can see.
  The story is generally enjoyable, and it approaches kids- at the same time, teaches them how the world can be tough. It reminds readers that the world is not all rainbows and butterflies, and it makes them get a glimpse of what reality looks like. 
  Though appearing a bit illogical and unrealistic at several occassions, your story had made me laugh and cry. I would recommend this to my friends and read the sequel to see how much you developed.
  You're a good author, but I'm sure you can do better. I hope your story gets more recognized, but I also hope to see more improvements.  

Total Points: 62/100