If I Lose You

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: wonjana

Requested on: 07/10/2015
Finished On: 07/20/2015

NOTE: 9 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(10/10) Title: The title is chosen wisely. There is no other story under such title, except something familiar like “If I Lose Myself.” Also, it captures attention of the reader, because most readers are intrigued what happens, if the character loses themselves. There is a mystery to some extent and it captures reader's eyes. Furthermore, the protagonist indeed is lost, so the only thing left for the reader is to find out what is the outcome, when that happens.

(9/10) Character: Characters are quite well-written. There are some strong points and flaws. For instance, the conversation between Luhan, Kai, and Mei in chapter three was really good. It shows the relationship between three best friends and the reader is able to have a picture of them. Probably the best character is Baekhyun. Of course, he is evil and probably the antagonist of this story, but the way he sticks to his character of pure malicious evil and kills without mercyis incredible. His reason behind the act is also understandable without much elaboration. The poor guy was just seriously hurt by his beloved twin brother not keeping his promise. Moving on to the protagonist, Sehun is also totally understandable character. However, his affection towards Luhan seems a bit forced and too sudden. Kai being in love with his best friend makes way more sense and does not look rushed.

(10/10) Originality: Almost every aspect of this story can be seen as creative. Especially the idea of Sehun's twin brother dying, but coming back as revengeful and possessive ghost, ready to haunt and kill anyone, who even attempts to build a friendship with Sehun.

(37/40) Storyline/Plot: The way storyline is being built is good so far. There are some illogical scenes here and there. First, reader is confused, when Sehun looks at picture of him and his twin Baekhyun, which was taken “during Baekhyun's birthday last year.” If they are twins, how can the picture be taken during only one of theirs birthday? Then, it looks extremely irrational for most students to blame Sehun for Eunjoo's suicide. They both barely talked for one day, so of course no one would even suspect Sehun, if it was real life. Also, it is bewildering how Hani is able to see Baekhyun's ghost. It might be because the little girl has been close to death, so she is able to see the dead. But even if that is the case, it should be mentioned in the text. And last, Luhan's disease comes out of blue, when it is mentioned in the eighth chapter. It was not said even once that Luhan is ill. Or if it was, it was not elaborated enough for the reader to really remember.

(22/25) Grammar/Errors: The grammar skills are good, it can be seen that chapters had been proofread. The choice of words, therefore, the flow is good and not choppy. However, some additional proofreading should be done. The major mistake is jumping between Past and Present Simple tenses. For example, in first chapter, Kai and Mei are described in Past tense, so “Luhan is the first male student” should be “was,” not “is.” Then, sentence “There was moment of silence <...> before they hear...” is also not grammatically correct. It should be “There was moment of silence<...> before they heard.” Such mistake also can be found in the seventh chapter. “People loves making fun of him,” is a cruel mistake, because “people” is plural and mostly past tense is used throughout the story, so the sentence should be “People loved making fun of him.” There are mistakes of preposition usage or word order, too. For instance, in chapter one, “Beakhyun is ing not dead,” it would sound better “is not ing dead.” Other examples would be: “playing in repeat” (“playing on repeat”), “how about Eunjoo?” (“what about Eunjoo?”), or “focused in drawing” (“focused on drawing”). Probably the biggest mistake is in chapter five. There is a sentence: “As your mother, you must listen to me.” Now, it should be either “I am your mother, you must listen to me” or “As your mother, I forbid you/I have every right to/I do not want you to/etc.”

(5/5) Overall Enjoyment: First of all, I really like the trailer. It is very nice, I loved the first part with Baekhyun and Sehun the most. I would not say that this story is the best I have ever read, but it was quite refreshing for me personally, so I was able to enjoy it and I am staying subscribed for further chapters! Plus, it is my 50th reviewed story, so I am super glad the story is good!

(93/100) Points Total

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