Chapter 19 – A Long Night

            I looked at the door and took a deep breath.  I’ve been staring at the door for the past who knows how many minutes, but I couldn’t force myself to go in.  If I go in, I have to talk to Siwon.  If I talk to Siwon, he’ll get hurt.  If he gets hurt, I’ll feel guiltier.  In the end, I guess I’m still only looking out for myself.  God I’m a terrible person.

            “Stop staring at the door and get in here Kyuhyun,” a voice said from the other side.

            I closed my eyes for a second.  Of course he knew I was out here.  I sighed before opening my eyes.  I reached for the handle and slowly turned it.  I stepped in, letting my things drop onto the floor, but changed my mind.  I picked them back up and walked to the closet.  When I did, the aroma made its way to my nose and I knew it was coming from the kitchen.  “Hurry up,” Siwon yelled out,” The food is going to get cold.”

            I slowly made my way to the kitchen, trying my best to delay our talk.  I stopped and stared at the food set on the kitchen table.  It was all of my favorite foods.  I smiled bitterly.  “Take a seat,” he prompted, setting down another plate.  I took a seat and watched him take off his apron before doing the same. 

            “Thank you for the food,” I whispered, settling myself in.

            Then there was silence.

            Was he mad at me?  I mean, why not?  I wouldn’t blame him if he did.  After all, I got drunk last night because of another man.  Another man in front of my supposed husband.  My foot started to tap against the floor.  Is he going to say something now?  Should I say something first?

            The air was getting tense, but I didn’t know what to say.  The food remained untouched and all we did was stare each other straight in the eye.  “Eat Kyuhyun,” he whispered, before looking away and digging into the food.

            I couldn’t. 

I reached for the fork and watched as he started to serve me.  I waved my hand to stop him from placing too much food on my plate.  After all, I didn’t have an appetite.  I sighed.  He was still a good man, even in this kind of situation.  His eyes stayed on his plate as he ate, while I simply picked at my food.  “Eat Kyuhyun,” he repeated.  “Don’t make me feel even worse.”

            The throbbing in my chest came back. 

            That was low.

            I stuck a piece of meat into my mouth and chewed slowly.  In a normal situation, I would have praised it, but right now, I couldn’t taste a single thing.  “S-Siwon,” I stuttered after swallowing my food.  As much as I wanted to delay it before, now that I was actually in the situation, I simply wanted to get it over with.

            “Let me eat first,” he responded, not looking up at me.

            The silence continued and only the light tinkering of our utensils echoed throughout the kitchen.  Sweat started to break out on the side of my face out of nervousness and I still couldn’t eat.  Time continued to pass, but it felt like I was trapped in time.  God I really screwed everything up, didn’t I?  So I sat there, watching him eat his meal.  He paused every now and then to open and close his mouth, but nothing coherent ever came out.  After approximately 30 minutes, he ended his meal with a glass of wine.

            Then he looked at me. Straight in the eye.

            “Siwon,” I said, firmer this time.

            He shook his head.  “No,” he said, stopping my spiel.  “I know I said that we were going to talk, but I change my mind.”  I furrowed my brows, ready to protest.  “Instead, you’re going to sit there and listen to me.  I don’t need to hear what you’re going to say because we both know that I already know everything.”

            My eyes widened for a moment, but I relaxed them, hoping that my heart beat would slow down just a bit.  Siwon took another swig of wine before placing his glass down.  “I’ve known from the beginning that there was only a small chance that you would ever look at me the way that you looked at Sungmin.  I understand.  I’m your childhood friend and he’s the one who broke down your walls.  I’m still extremely envious about it since I’ve spent most of our lives trying to do it when it only took him a couple of weeks.”

            I rubbed the back of my neck, but didn’t dare to take my eyes off of him or speak.  “Even so, I was happy.  Even if I wasn’t responsible for it, the smile on your face when you were with him was always enough for me.  The fact that you were happier and more relaxed made me happier.  So I let you go willingly.  I didn’t care as long as you were happy.”  He took a deep breath.  “I’ve tried my very best to make you fall for me or even look at me, but I know now it was futile.  Sungmin will always be on your mind and nothing can change that. And you know what?  I’m okay with that.  I’m honestly okay with that.”

            Tears started to form in his eyes, but he quickly batted them away.  “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy Kyuhyun,” he said, barely above a whisper.  “You need to go to him and tell him the truth.  I hate seeing you drunk and hurt. I hate it, so much.  You have no idea how much it hurt me to watch you last night crying over somebody else.  God it hurt.”  He closed his eyes, willing his tears away.

            “Siwon,” I managed to choke out.  I reached for his hands, but he pulled away, leaving my hands out on the table.

            His eyes snapped open.  He had managed to stop his tears, but nothing prevented me from looking right into his blood shot eyes.  I held my breath, knowing there was more.  “Kyuhyun,” he said, barely above a whisper.  “Can you do me one favor?  Just one?”  I abruptly nodded.  I would do anything right now.  “Tell me you don’t love me.  Tell me you love him.  I need a clean cut.”

            My heart stopped as I felt tears starting to fall down my cheeks.  I had broken him.  I had broken the usual peppy, happy, and strong Siwon.  In all honesty, I couldn’t do that.  I couldn’t.  I loved him.  I really did.  Just not in the way I loved—

            No.

            I can’t admit that.

            “I-I can’t,” I stuttered, attempting to beg him with my eyes.

            Siwon forced a bitter smile onto his face.  “You’re a good man Kyuhyun,” he said, reaching over to gently brush the tears off of my cheeks.  I should be the one comforting him, not the other way around.  I shook my head.  I’m not a good man.  I’m the worst man in the history of the world right now.  “I know you don’t believe it right now, but you’re a good man.  And I know it’s hard.  I know you love me.  But it’s not the same, isn’t it?”

            I stayed silent, wanting everything to simply crumble underneath me and drown me.  “But you know what?  It’s okay.  It’s okay Kyuhyun.  The fact that I even have a place in your heart is enough for me.  So you’re a good man Kyuhyun. You’re such a great man.  You tried your best to accommodate me and you’ve always placed us first.  So do me a favor.  Just one last favor.  Let me be selfish this one last time and then you can be as selfish as you want to be.”  He pulled his hand away before tilting his head with a smile.  “Tell me you don’t love me.”

            I looked at him and let out the breath that I didn’t even know I had been holding.  My mouth opened and closed, but nothing would come out.  My eyes attempted to look everywhere but him, but in the end, it always ended up on his brown eyes.  The brown eyes that were slowly filling with tears but still smiled. 

            “I don’t love you.”

            It came out, barely above a whisper. I closed my eyes, hoping that he hadn’t heard it.  I heard slight shuffling before I felt his presence above me.  I opened my eyes and looked up at his face.  The smile was still apparent, no sign of pain anywhere.  He’s a good actor.  “Thank you,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss the top of my head.

            The action was short and sweet, but it made me cry even more.  “Thank you,” I whispered back.  He pulled me close to him and held me tight, letting me cry.  I wanted to push him away, but we both needed this right now.  Especially him.

            I wanted to comfort him.  Tell him that I did love him.  But I couldn’t.  It would hurt him even more. 

            Once I started to calm down, he went onto his knees and looked at me, face to face.  “Kyuhyun,” he said, brushing the remainder of my tears away.  “Work hard and get Sungmin back, okay?  You need to get him back or else all of your struggles would have been for nothing.”

            I nodded.  “I’ll work hard,” I croaked out.  “I promise I’ll do my best.”

            “Good,” he said, ruffling my hair.

            “Can you work hard to be happy too,” I asked, flashing him a smile.

            He chuckled.  “You know what?  I promise that by the time you get Sungmin back, I’ll get my own cute boyfriend,” he said, sticking his tongue out. 

            “You better keep that promise Mr. Choi,” I said, poking his cheeks.

            “And you better keep yours Mr. Cho,” he said, standing up.  “Now, finish your food.  I’m going to go to bed early.”

            I nodded again and watched his back disappear.  I frowned when I felt something wet on my hair.  I reached up and touched it before looking at the clear residue on my fingertips.  He wasn’t going to bed.  He’s going to stay awake for some time, probably crying.  The smile fell from my face and I stared at the food in front of me.  My heart ached, but my shoulders felt a little lighter.  “Thank you,” I whispered again, letting myself collapse onto the table, crying myself.

            You’re too good of a man and I of all people don’t deserve you.

^^^^^^^^^^

A/N:  I wanted to add more, but I decided to just leave it there.  This event needed a whole chapter because this is Kyuhyun’s game changer.  But then again…this evening could continue…*hint hint wink wink*

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