Chapter 18 – Your Turn

*I changed a couple of things in the beginning

            I was frozen and didn’t dare move from my spot.  Did I honestly just say that?  Really?  God, I wanted to slap my face a million times.  Wait.  Wait.

            Breathe Kyuhyun.

            It’s not like he cares, right?  I was staring right in Heechul’s face, but I dared to sneak a peek at the other.  Right when he was about to look back, I snapped my eyes back onto Heechul.  He didn’t look as shocked anymore, but there was a slight frown on his eyebrows that killed me just a little bit.  I gave a light cough before rubbing the back of my neck nervously.  I’m being stupidly obvious about this. 

            Heechul’s eye brows raised in acknowledgement.  I rolled my eyes at myself; as if he could read my thoughts.  Wait.  Can he?  I took a deep breath.  “I’m sorry about my language,” I said, bowing slightly.  “Why don’t you guys take a seat and we can discuss things further?”

            Heechul nodded, relief flashing through his eyes.  “Let’s do it then,” he said.  He looked over at Sungmin and handed him a tablet.  “While we talk, do you mind looking through some of the designs that we discussed last time?”

            “Sure,” Sungmin said, taking the tablet and walking over to the other side of the office and settling into one of my couches.

            It took a while for me to get settled, but I managed to ruffle through my piles of papers and hide behind my glasses.  The air was still awkward, but luckily, Heechul was here to clear up some of the air.  As soon as Sungmin was distracted with the tablet, I glared.  “What were you thinking,” I hissed, trying to control myself.  “Couldn’t you have at least warned me before hand?”

            He slowly rubbed the back of his neck, which was completely out of character for him.  “I figured you might scream your head off if I even tried,” he argued.  “Plus, every time I even try to mention him, you shut down.”

            “Has it ever crossed your mind that perhaps it’s because I never wanted to see him again,” I asked.

            Heechul frowned.  “How do you have the right to say that?  You’re the one that pushed him away,” he snapped.  There he is.  “He should be the one that’s mad.  Not you.”

            I ran my fingers through my hair in an attempt to calm down.  “You know that everything I did, I did for him,” I muttered, hoping that Sungmin couldn’t hear me.  He didn’t need to know what happened.  “My father would have destroyed him and everything that he’s worked for.”  I caught a glimpse of him at the corner of my eye and flinched as the feeling erupted again in my chest.  “And I don’t need a reminder of what I lost in the process of trying to protect him.”

            “You are an idiot,” Heechul whispered.  “I can barely understand what’s running through your mind right now.”  He took a glimpse as Sungmin before looking back at me.  “I don’t understand why you had to put him through all of that and not explain everything to him.  Do you understand what kind of pain he went through on the day he left you?”

            “It was equally hard for me Heechul,” I nearly growled.  Did anybody understand that I was in pain too?  I know that I caused him pain. The fact that I lost him, hurt him, lied to him, and on top of that, know that I was the cause of all of his woes, hurts a lot more.  The fact that, no matter how badly I want to fix it, I can’t, gets me every single time.  But no.  Everything is my fault.  Everything depends on me.

            God I’m so tired of everything.

            “What would you have done if you were in my place,” I whispered, trying to calm myself down.  All of my pent up emotions were building up and I can’t blow up.  Not in front of him.

            Heechul’s eyes frowned for a moment as he looked down at the table, clearly in deep thought.  As my mind started to calm down, he looked back up into my eyes.  “I honestly wouldn’t know,” he whispered back.  “But I do know one thing, it wouldn’t be easy to give Hangeng up like that.”

            I shrugged at his response and tried to focus on his face and not the boy that I’m completely and madly in love with. 

“So, are we still going with this plan,” I asked.  “Anyways, I can’t believe he even agreed.  He hates me.”

            He gave me a small smile.  “He doesn’t hate you Kyu,” he whispered.

            “After breaking his heart like that?  I’m pretty sure he does,” I sighed, playing around with my fingers.

            His left eye brow rose, as if being challenged.  “You know, Sungmin was the one who asked to do this.  When he heard about the project, he cancelled all of his others requests and took the first flight here,” he said.  “Now what does that say about his feelings?’

            I wanted to believe it.  I wanted to reach for it.  Does he still like me?  Or, love me?  But I couldn’t.  No.  Not now.  I’ve worked too hard for him to get dragged down.  I looked into Heechul’s eyes and shook my head.  “Stop giving me false hope,” I choked out as quietly as possible.

            “Then, stop believing that good things can happen to you,” he muttered, standing up from his chair.  “Think about it.  I’ll send Hangeng over next time and, if you’re still being hard headed, he’ll be the one that’ll smack some sense into you.”

            Before I could comprehend his words, he had already walked towards the door, Sungmin following closely behind him.  I sighed as I watched the strands of blonde hair disappear behind the doors.  I face planted onto my hands before groaning out loud. 

            Oh wait.

            I still have to talk to Siwon.

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            “Kyuhyun,” Jungsu greeted, casually walking into my office.  He had lost the ability to knock on my door before coming in this past year. 

            “What do you need,” I asked, trying to get through even more paper work.  When will I ever finish? 

            “Siwon called.  He said he’ll be at home and to not grab any dinner.  He’ll be making it tonight,” he said, taking a seat in front of me.  He waited for me to sneak a glimpse at him before he continued.  “What did you do?”

            In an attempt to ignore him, I started to scribble on a piece of paper.  I hoped that he would get the hint.  I really needed to finish this and I couldn’t keep getting distracted.  But, well, he didn’t.  “I know you did something Kyuhyun.  Now, spill,” he demanded, crossing his legs.

            “Don’t you have better things to do,” I asked, not daring to look him in the eye.  Anyways, I don’t want to talk about this again.  I just calmed down a couple hours ago.

            “It’s five.  The office is closed,” he stated simply.  “Plus, you’re my dongsaeng.  What’s more important than you?”

            I slightly blushed at the comment, but didn’t dare to crack.  “I didn’t do anything,” I muttered.

            “Considering the fact that Sungmin is back and Siwon called to tell me that he would be home cooking dinner, something went on,” Jungsu said.  “So spill.”

            I sighed, stopped my work, and finally looked up.  He wouldn’t give in.  Of course he wouldn’t.  “I got drunk last night and didn’t eat breakfast this morning,” I muttered, hoping that this would satisfy his curiosity.

            “I’m pretty sure that that’s not all you did,” he pushed, raising his eyebrows.  “Siwon isn’t that petty.”

            I stayed silent for a moment, debating whether or not I should say it.  I’ve barely even thought about what had happened last night.  “I got drunk because I heard he was back,” I said, barely above a whisper, hoping that he wouldn’t hear me.  “God, I messed everything up.”

            “Yeah you did,” Jungsu muttered, taking everything in.  “But I’m sure Siwon has known from the beginning.  I think he just wishes that you hadn’t lied to him.  So, do yourself a favor and tell him the truth for once.”

            I pinched the bridge of my nose.  “I know that, but it doesn’t make this any easier,” I muttered. 

            Of course Siwon knows.  He’s known since the day we started this whole thing.  But I also know that he wouldn’t give up.  He wouldn’t give up waking up every day before me to cook me some breakfast.  He wouldn’t give up taking me out once a month for a date night.  He wouldn’t give up giving me roses every Friday for no apparent reason.  No, he wouldn’t give up trying to make me fall for him.  And that was hard enough to live with every day.  The guilt that slowly built up over time hurt me.  It still hurts me

            There were many times that I couldn’t bear to look at him smile at me in the morning.  To smile at the roses in front of me.  To shove the food into my mouth.  To dress up for date nights.  But I also couldn’t bear to hurt him over and over again.  I already hurt him by asking him to do this for me, he didn’t deserve even more.  But what I did last night?  That hurt him.  It hit him hard and dear god I feel so guilty.

            “What am I going to do hyung,” I whispered, emotions hitting me all over the place.  “I’ve done my best to keep Sungmin safe.  I’ve given him up.  I’ve thrown my life away for him.  And Siwon too.  I’ve done everything to keep him happy.  What else am I supposed to do?  What else am I supposed to give up?”  I sunk back into my chair. 

            There was a moment of silence.  I’ve made him speechless.  Of course there’s nothing—

            “I think Kyuhyun,” he said, interrupting my thoughts,” that you need to start thinking of yourself first.  Then, everything else will fix itself.”

            I frowned.  Wait, what?

            A sudden knock came at the door, distracting our conversation.  A hesitant Kangin came into our vision.  “At least someone knows how to knock,” I said, standing up from our chair.

            “Oh shush Kyuhyun,” Jungsu said, standing up at the same time.  “Hey sweetheart.”

            Kangin walked over and reached for his waist before giving him a kiss on the cheek.  “I’m hungry,” he muttered, looking apologetic.

            Jungsu and I couldn’t help but laugh.  “It’s okay, we just finished our conversation anyways,” I said, shooing them out.

            “Yeah, let’s go,” Jungsu said, leading the two of them out the door.  “But wait.”  Jungsu pulled away and ran over to me, pulling me into a hug.  “Think about what I said, okay?”

            I chuckled into the hug before pulling away.  “Okay, but go quickly.  Your fiancé’s going to get jealous,” I said, giving Kangin a wink.

            Jungsu smiled before running towards Kanging, finally leaving me alone.

            I collapsed back into my chair. This was going to be a really long night.

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A/N:  Merry Christmas everybody!

I’m so terribly sorry that this is so short and also because I won’t be able to update “I Will Forget You” tonight.  I woke up at 3 p.m. and my brain is on overload right now because of all the college applications that’s due in a couple of days.

I’ll see if I can update another chapter tomorrow!

Thank you guys so much for such an amazing year!  Merry Christmas!!  Please leave a comment!

I’ll see you guys tomorrow and also on the New Year!

12/28/15 - I changed a couple of lines in the beginning ^^