Chapter 16 – Cold

            I watched as the city lights twinkled in the distance.  However distracted I was by the sparkles, it wasn’t enough to stop me from feeling the cold air slap me in the face.  I tightened my fleece blanket around me and tried to think warm thoughts.  But nothing I could possibly think of could warm up my cold heart.  I wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to stop it from hurting so much, but it didn’t work. 

            Why?  It was so easy before.

            I glanced at the two cups of hot coffee and tea on the table which remained untouched.  The heat from the cups rose up, making its way to my nose.  I wanted to reach out and take one, but I couldn’t.  I wasn’t waiting for anybody.  No.  I just couldn’t decide whether I wanted to sleep or not.  Both seemed tempting, but, truthfully, they both seemed like nightmares.  If I stayed awake, I would have to deal with this constant heartache.  If I went to bed, I would have to deal with saying good bye and watching him cry.  Over and over and over and over…

            Car honks distracted me from my never ending plight as I glanced back towards the city lights.  The brightness blinded me and I so desperately wanted to be wrapped around it.  To feel the warmth.  To get one last touch.  But, I knew I couldn’t.  I could never step towards it.  Not ever.  I wrapped my arms around myself again.  The heartache was back and I couldn’t bear it.  I leaned back against my balcony chair and closed my eyes for a second. 

            Sungmin’s smile flashed from the back of my eyelids and I couldn’t help but smile back.  At the same time, the pang in my chest got even more severe.  I missed him.  I really did.  I expected him to call me.  Text me.  Write me.  He could scream at me for all I care, just as long as he was thinking of me.  Acknowledging me.  I wanted to know if he still cared.  But I knew he wouldn’t and it was all my fault.  I desperately needed to let these feelings go.  However, I had no regrets.  I love him.  I do.  And that’s why this is worth it.  This way, he can happily live on.  My father wouldn’t dare touch him.  Not unless he wanted me to drop everything.

            I sighed as I drank in his smile.  Shisus I miss his smile.  There was nothing in the world that was more beautiful than his smile.  Absolutely nothing.  I opened my eyes again and memories of him crying with his eyes closed flashed back into my mind.  My heart ached even more and I winced at the pain.  Why does it hurt so much?  It was like it was just yesterday.  The way he opened his eyes right afterwards and gave me a small smile, tears still flowing down his cheeks.  The way he bowed as low as possible.  The way he whispered thank you before walking out of the doors.

            The way he whispered one last “I love you”.

            And the way the door didn’t slam shut behind him.  It closed slowly and softly, as if begging me to run after him.

            And I so desperately wanted to run to him.  To hold him.  To whisper to him.  To tell him the truth.  To love him to my heart’s content.

            My heart tightened at the memory and I quickly dragged my eyes back to the city lights in front of me.  “I’m sorry,” I unconsciously whispered.  “I’m so sorry Sungmin.”

            I looked down at my blanket which now sported wet droplets.  I wiped my hand against my cheek and realized that I was crying.

            “He’s broken,” I heard Jungsu whisper to another man.  I stopped myself from reaching his view.  I had come in early and the elevator had dinged, but I guess he didn’t notice.  “It’s been two weeks since Sungmin left and he still won’t talk about it.  He refuses to even let me mention him.  What’s more is that poor Siwon is being dragged into the whole situation.  He picks Kyuhyun up every other day to plan their wedding and all he gets is a zombie Kyuhyun who simply nods his head and agrees to everything.”

            “Siwon got him in a hot pink suit last week and he told him he would wear it!”  Jungsu ruffled his hair, frustrated.  Kangin, who I noticed after peeking around the corner, quickly grabbed his hands and started to play with them.  He looked at his face and listened to him closely, intent on letting him spill his frustrations.  “Of course, I quickly rushed in and stopped it.  It turned out that Siwon was just joking.  It didn’t end well though.  He got frustrated, threw a piece of linen at Kyuhyun’s face, and walked out of the shop.  I feel bad for the guy.  He looked so hurt.”

            “Kyuhyun simply took it and he walked out of the shop after him.  I don’t know what happened, but Siwon hasn’t been back for a while.  He called me and told me to tell him that he’ll simply see him at the wedding.  Seriously, what is Kyuhyun thinking?”

            Kangin reached out and gently placed his hand against Jungu’s cheek in an attempt to comfort him.  It worked as Jungsu leaned at the touch.  “Maybe he has a reason,” Kangin whispered, caressing his cheek.  “Kyuhyun doesn’t seem like the type to just do things for the heck of it.”
            “That’s just it,” he whispered back.  “I know he isn’t.  But I can’t think of any reason that he would dump Sungmin like that.”

            Kangin stayed quiet for a second, thoughts of what to say passing through his mind.  “If you were in his place,” he began, dropping his hand from his cheek and placing them on top of his again.  “Would there be any reason for you to give me up?  Think of his situation for a second.”

            Jungsu thought for a second before slapping himself, causing Kangin’s eyes to widen with worry.  “I should have known,” he muttered, shaking his head.  “It’s his father.”

            Kangin nodded, as if he understood.  “I don’t know understand but I can guess as much,” he said.  “But the main question is, how are you going to fix it?”

            “Kyuhyun’s strong,” Jungsu proclaimed.  “I just hope he knows that.”

            I couldn’t bear much of the conversation anymore and stepped back into the elevator.  My eyes met Jungsu’s as the doors slowly closed, his eyes full of understanding.

            I smashed my fist against the emergency stop button before falling back against the elevator wall and sliding down against it.  It wasn’t until I had my knees pushed against my chest that I noticed that I was crying.

            It’s been happening more often.  I’ve been crying whenever I was alone and I could do nothing to stop it.  I wanted it to stop so desperately.  It hurt too much and I always felt as if I couldn’t breathe.  I tightened my fists and kept them at my side, trying to control myself yet again.  I looked over at Siwon, who was happily discussing his suit with the tailor.  I forced a smile on my face.  He couldn’t catch me like this. 

            Not now.

            Not ever.

            I’ve had it.  I’m done.  I don’t want to deal with this anymore.  Who in their right mind gets depressed because of a person?  Because of love?  It doesn’t make any sense.  This shouldn’t be happening.  Not to me.  Especially not to me.  It was my fault in the first place.

            How did I ever let it get this far?

            “Kyuhyun,” Jungsu whispered from outside the door.

            I hugged my knees tighter around my chest.  I didn’t dare open my mouth.  I knew I couldn’t speak.  “Kyuhyun,” he begged.  “Please, I know it hurts.  Just please let me help you.”

            I shook my head and let out a quiet wail.  It took a while, but he finally gave up and I heard him lean back against the door and slide himself down.  With that, he slowly began to sing a lullaby and it wasn’t long until I found myself finally catching a breath.

            “Kyuhyun,” a voice greeted from the other side of the line.  It was Siwon.

            “Yes,” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

            “The wedding is all set.  Just make sure you actually make it to the venue when it’s time,” he muttered.

            My heart felt a tiny pang, though this time it was out of pity for Siwon.  I felt bad for dragging him into this.  I know he loves me and I wanted to love him back.  I really did.  But Sungmin wouldn’t leave my mind.  “Thanks,” I said simply.

            I heard a light sigh on the other side of the line.  “You’re an idiot,” he muttered before hanging up the phone.

            Don’t worry.

            I know.

            He still hasn’t called me.  It’s been three weeks now and I still haven’t heard a word from him.  Why?  I know it’s my fault and I caused it to happen, but could it kill him to tell me good bye?  To talk to me one last time?

            Maybe I’m asking the world for too much.

            I’m pathetic.

            And that was it.  It was time.  I closed my eyes as I started rebuilding the walls around me.  It needs to be built back.  No one should be able to take it down.  Not again.  It hurts too much and I can’t bear it anymore.  I really shouldn’t have taken it down in the first place.

            But I can’t help it.

            Sungmin’s smile keeps taking it down.

            I gazed back at the city lights.  However, this time, no emotion flooded through me.  My heart froze all over again.

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A/N:  In an attempt to apologize for my extremely lame update yesterday, please have another chapter.  It took me a while, but I think I got it down.  I’ll fix up yesterday’s chapter since I caught a bunch of yucky grammar mistakes.

Sorry for the depressing mood…but Kyuhyun’s going through a phase /.\

Again!  Get ready to send lots and lots of love to Suju’s 10^th Anniversary Album Part Two!!!

And if you have a little love left for me, please leave a comment : )