This one is loooooongg (I don't really care, hoho) just in case.

 Vinth 6.

      “Ara, please. Don’t make it harder for both of us.”

      “No, your majesty. I’d prefer stay here having my own peace than stressing myself for something not that important.”

      “I’m sorry.” Yunho reaches his queen’s hand. “I’m sorry I said our future children aren’t important. I’m sorry I said there are more urgent things than just stressing ourselves over possibility of having child. I’m sorry. I was stupid. I was heartless. I was cruel. I’m sorry, Ara. I really am.”

Took you three weeks to finally come here and apologize, right? Your consort is way more understanding than you. Why do I love you again?

      “Please go home.” Yunho begs. “I need you home, Ara. I want you close to me.”

It’s so good yet so sad to hear those words from Yunho. Good because Yunho rarely showers her with sweet lines during their marriage. Yunho is an honest person. He doesn’t say words but what he really means. It’s sad because she has to stoop very low peeling her dignity off of herself and tainting her family name first before Yunho could actually say those words. She has to embarrass herself first. She has to show how immature she is. She has to puts hardship onto other innocent people first to finally hear that she is wanted. That Yunho does want her as his wife.

      “Why are you crying?” Yunho kisses his queen’s eyes. “I said I’m sorry.” He hugs his wife. “I’m sorry, beautiful. I’m sorry.”

Why is it so hard not to feel shallow and small?

      “I just..

      “We’ll do everything we can from now on, okay? We’ll not waste time hurting each other anymore. You and me, we’ll make it. We’ll have as many children as you want, darling. Comeback home to me, please.”

Ara hugs her husband back. For this once, she really wishes that Yunho could love her back like she loves him.

Jaejoong leaves the Go’s manor when his husband doesn’t reappear in the private main guest chamber after an hour. He knows it finally works. He thanks the queen's parents politely before signaling the carriage to go back to palace. He’s glad it works but he’s also hurt. He can’t help it. He’s human too who can’t order his heart not to feel pain when Yunho loves someone else.

--

Changmin still can’t figure out where Hanxi disappears to sleep. Zeke’s brief report said that Hanxi never leaves the Shims’ manor after he returns from the Arena with Changmin. If he does, he fetches errand with two other maids or servants and returns home not long after. No signs of sneaking out or roaming outside the manor.

And his curiosity brings him here.

      “I’m sorry, sir but you’re not allowed to visit carrel Hanxi’s chamber till he returns from his sentence.” Hansol’s feet fidget uncomfortably.

      “I know. He’s in my house right now.”

Hansol bows again not knowing what else to do.

      “How long have you known Hanxi?”

Hansol’s face gives out his confusion. “Um.. since I was still a trainee servant.”

Changmin smirks. Good. “more than ten years I bet?”

      “Um, no, sir. I was allowed to be trainee in the palace eight years ago.”

      “Eight years long then.” Changmin is still happy. “Tell me about him. Everything. I need to make sure he’s not a threat in my house after what he did to me.”

Hansol gulps , cold sweat greets him faster than hard wind. “I’m not his personal servant till this two weeks, sir.”

      “I know. Other servants said you are the most frequent servant delivering peaches to his chamber as well as preparing him for any occasion. Should I say more?”

Hansol prays to God that he will not let slip that one knowledge he’s sworn he’ll keep it buried forever in front of his mother to this assistant general.

--

Yoochun shoves his both hands back behind his waist as his slow monitoring steps are heard amidst the mixed sound of soldiers and warriors from various ranks doing their share of building up their strength. He’s supervising the sixth rank warriors now where one fifth of his men are showing their best knocking the sparring combat partner down. Yoochun is quite picky in selecting his army squad. Il woo has twice men under his wing than Yoochun. Siwon has about one hundred experienced warriors and soldiers in his care including the famous first rank warrior Kim Hyunjoong. Minho has fewer people in his force since Prince Lee visits the Arena less frequent than Siwon who comes not as regular as Il woo and Yoochun. They have their own respective squad yet they also shoulder different duties and responsibilities. Yunho had one too before he ascended to the throne. Most of his men are now his private royal guards or joining the elite royal force.

      “Done training?” Yoochun approaches Ji Changwook who’s just thrown himself on the soldier bench near the exit aisle. “Prime defense department just asked me if either you or Jonghyun are willing to join the new formed naval front line force. They need more kick ensuring the security near our sea.”

      “The foreign traders again?”

      “I assume so. General Mack told my father there is quite unusual increasing number of overseas merchants docking in on our border. Yunho issues stricter naval inquisition just this morning.”

Ji Changwook makes approving expression. “I’ll think about it. Who else is there?”

      “Siwon sends ten of third rank soldiers. Soo Hyun might join too later once his quarter evaluation is done.”

      “Has Jonghyun been confirmed?”

      “I see you first.” Yoochun smiles. “If you are good, I’ll keep Jonghyun busy with the new students in school. He loves showing off, doesn’t he?”

Ji Changwook chuckles in agreement. “I’ll let you know by dinner tonight. I’ll see my list first.”

      “Take your time.” Yoochun is about to return on his track monitoring the training when he remembers something and turned around again. “I’m wondering if you have seen that white carrel servant in face to face combat training. What do you think?”

Ji changwook empties his bottle drink first before replying. “Is above good too much?”

      “For beginner?”

      “Who are we kidding, your highness? You know he’s not just good.” Changwook stands uo from the bench. “Are you really thinking of recruiting him into your squad?”

Yoochun isn’t sure he would give an honest answer. “Probably. He looks forced to come training every day.”

Ji changwook shrugs. “Can’t do a thing about it, can we? He’s a carrel after all.”

A carrel he is though some things are funnily out of place. Yoochun chooses to keep it for himself for now. He is still gathering bit by bit trace of the missing record on Hanxi’s previous training. His instinct tells him he might be surprised with what he finds later on. Hopefully it’s a good surprise because it will be such a waste if Hanxi is caught as infiltrator or the kind. Yoochun catches Hanxi’s stiff movements whenever Siwon’s upper hand men and Minho’s first liners men flocking the Arena. Hanxi obviously makes his way in distance from the two mentioned pack. Il woo shares Yoochun’s thought though he reckons perhaps Hanxi feels too intimidated by the two sides. Any rookie trainee would cower when Hyunjoong and his fellow warrior cliques sweep in the combat section. So would when Minho’s leading warriors joining the training. Yoochun doesn’t think it’s the cause since Hanxi, in his sentenced servant status; was brave enough attacking Changmin, the assistant general. Why would he cower against senior warriors or soldiers?

      “Yunho announces a dinner celebration tomorrow.” Il Woo forwards the news he’s just heard from his personal butler. “for Ara.”

      “I’m glad they solved the problem.” Yoochun says. “The elders are quite displeased with Yunho’s slow reaction. They think Yunho is ignoring his queen.”

      “At least Ara is back in her place for now. We know the real problem isn’t done yet.”

--

Seven days more to go.

Every time Changmin takes him to the Arena, Junsu prays really hard not to meet HyunJoong, Soo Hyun or KyuJoong. It’s a torture to train in combat with hundred other people where he needs to focus on the movements, the techniques taught, the timing and all while he also has to make sure he won’t bump into any of other Kims in the open building. He is really tempted to refuse going to the Arena whenever Changmin calls him. He’s considering taking punishment for objecting an order but the sweet memory of spending two weeks in the Shims’ underground prison holds him back.

He wants to shout his boiling frustration inside him, shouting it so loud till the tight iron clamp inside him lifted up and gone. He doesn’t want to go training. He doesn’t want to be always on edge of his self guard making sure he’s laid low enough. He’s tired of this nightmare. He wants to wake up. He wants to break free from all this web of suffocating life decided for him. He has no more ground to remind him that someday, some far far day in the future, he could throw all of himself today and bury everything happened. He could be someone else. Not Kim Junsu. Not Hanxi. Not  a carrel. Not a servant. Just a free human being doing what he could for his life.

Junsu doesn’t touch his dinner that night, mind and heart too troubled to care about eating his meal. He lies down on the cold floor in his room, one arm crossing his face calling for any generous possibility calming his mind. His body is screaming for good rest after all day physical training in the Arena but his mind strikes sharper at the image after image of the past and present.

Zeke can’t decide which one is worse. Obeying Changmin’s order sending the feverish Hanxi to the assistant general's private chamber, or facing Shim the second’s wrath for crossing the stern warning not to let Changmin do stupid nonsensical thing. He’s stuck in the middle not finding any way out for both bad ends.

He chooses the younger Shim’s side after pushing his luck bargaining with the assistant general. He puts his years serving the Shims’ in loyalty as the bargaining point to avert worse situation.

      “Guest chamber?”

      “Yes, sir.” Zeke’s head never been dropped this low.

      “I’ll go see him.” Changmin winds his second cape getting to the door. Zeke waits till the assistant general walks past him before he closes the door of Changmin’s private chamber following his lord’s quick pace toward the farthest guest room in the west wing.

Hanxi is laid in bed covered in simple white sheet. The blanket wraps his body from his neck below. His face color is somewhere between red and pale. His sleeping face has a tight expression like he’s holding back painful blow. Changmin pulls the nearest chair his hand can find to sit next to the feverish servant.

      “He didn’t wake up when you carry him here?”

      “No, sir.” Zeke answers in low voice. “Kwonnie, A-chan and I tried to carry him as fast as we could. This chamber id the closest available unoccupied one from the servant dorm.”

Changmin doesn’t understand why his heart clenches at the sight of his sleeping in fever servant. “You may leave. I’ll sit here for a while.”

Zeke bows his head before carefully stepping outside the guest chamber. He’s going to meet severe punishment soon. Very soon. He decides he’ll wait by the guest chamber entrance minimizing any unwanted possibility. The two servant he mentioned before have been sent back to their room, swearing they wouldn’t say a thing. The guards on duty also repeat the two servants’ pledge of secrecy. Zeke did his best removing potential damage.

Changmin stares at the troubled sleeping face. He knows why Hanxi is having a fever. Excessive amount of physical training plus his servant’s chore at home. Zeke said Hanxi left his dinner untouched which means Hanxi’s body didn’t get enough replacement for the consumed energy. And look at that pained face. That tight shut eyes and frowned eyebrows. Look at that made fists. Changmin wants to wake Hanxi up and hug him. The fever will soon pass but that hidden pain, that buried wound, that unspoken burden..

Hand moves on its own accord carding the hair. The other hand has reached the strong fisted feverish hand, unwind the fingers one by one then slipping in its own five fingers among the previous ones, holding it forming a fist by two different hands.

It’s then he feels how much pain the servant has been carrying inside. Their fisted fingers together speak volume of how strong this sleeping person has been. Is. How hard he schools those wounds within him. It amazes the sitting man as it also hits him hard how helpless he is as someone in power and in command, he’s unknown to this kind of guilt. He’s in the thick pit of dark of these brand new calls inside him. It crashes into him so sudden that for a while, he feels like everything is alright. Everything fits. Everything is simple. Everything is complicated. Everything is wrong. Everything is nothing. Everything is Everything.

For another while, he loses control over his logic and senses as he slowly leans down, brushing his lips on the pair of tight shut eyes, on the smooth not cheeks and chin, on the wrinkled forehead, on the bridge of the nose, and.. on the pair of stiffed lips.

      “…. Come…”

Changmin kisses the lips again, gentler and more careful than the first one.

      “…Back..”

His fingers and palm are squeezed so tight in their fisted hand Changmin winces from the force. he squeezes back giving reassurance though he doesn’t know for what. His hand on Hanxi’s hair stops carding. It moves to Hanxi’s forehead now, rubbing the frown away.

      “….Come.. back..”

Changmin wishes he knew what dream Hanxi is seeing right now. The sleeping in fever man keeps murmuring two words, slowly, in heightened hopeful tone, in sadness, in.. surrender? Changmin can’t define the swimming feels he’s having right now. Has Hanxi had someone? or loved someone? hoped for someone? unrequited feeling? Ignored heart? Abandoned?

It’s too much to feel at once Changmin closes his eyes letting Hanxi’s breaths touch his face. what is this helpless feeling, God? Why do I feel so useless? So incapable? So angry and sad? So miserable? So asphyxiated? So wanting? Why am I so lost?

Zeke finds his lord Shim the third has been ready for his schedules today an hour earlier than the usual morning start.

      “I have evaluation to wrap up by today.” Changmin clicks the button on his robe, final one. Done. Ready. “I’ll see father first before leaving.”

      “Your breakfast, Sir?”

      “Nevermind.” Changmin checks three scrolls on the table. “I’ll have breakfast together with Jonghyun and Changwook. Has Hanxi woken up?”

Zeke nods. “Yes, sir. Should I-

      “If he eats up his meal, send him to the Arena by horse. If he doesn’t, tell him to stay home. What are his chores today?”

      “Err.. Err..

Changmin’s sharp eyes look straight at his personal assistant. Zeke gulps down. those eyes never fail making him uneasy.

      “Washing..

      “Dishes okay. No more.” Changmin clicks his tongue. “Remember, I didn’t know he’s sick last night. It’s you moving him to guest chamber because you felt bad for him sleeping in fever on the cold floor.”

      “Y-yes, Sire.”

      “Right. I’ll go to the grand house. Please remind mother to bring gift for queen Ara tonight.”

--

      “You okay, Min?”

      “Should I be not?”

      “You’re okay.” Jonghyun whacks Changmin’s back. “You look funny since morning, though. Stomach problem? Spicy dish last night?”

A rollercoaster of storm and draught, actually. “I’m as good as Yoochun and his three carrels combined together.”

      “Haha. Yeah. That’s funny.” Jonghyun shifts his seat a bit to. “Going to Yunho’s royal dinner tonight?”

Changmin nods his head without thinking. “Have to wrap this evaluation first.”

      “You are not in focus.” Jonghyun frowns. “Look how messy your table is.”

Changmin lifts his head giving his friend a look. “Thank you for not helping, Sir.”

Jonghyun shrugs, half sneering. “Papers ain’t my forte, dude. You know it. Field duty is much more fun than dealing with mute papers.” He tsks at the pile of scrolls and parchments before his close friend. “And I don’t think your evaluation share includes paper work. Secretary force on leave?”

Changmin’s eyes keep on scanning and skimming the laid open paper in his hold. “Grand general Choi is attending a close audience with the ruler. So are the secretaries of royal forces.”

      “Hmm.. I bet this is all related to the swarming overseas merchants.” Jonghyun taps his chin. “Changwook is sent to join the new formed special naval inquisition squad. Soo Hyun would join it soon. I smell conflict very soon.”

      “We’ve just won Slovkey bay war last year, Jonghyun. Don’t be too excited to welcome another one so soon.”

      “Just my two cent, boy.”

Changmin has better things in mind and hands to do right now. He’s using his evaluation duty to access as well as back tracking the army record which then extended to royal record to eleven years back. Yes, it’s about Hanxi the servant. He came to the royal defense third branch quarter today because he needs to fill the missing link, to deal with the high crashing tide inside him. Changwook said he met Hanxi in his warrior training year. Revisiting the old record eight years back seems insufficient so Changmin grabs the whole eleven years backward records with him to his desk.

      “Son, you aren’t leaving?” The head supervisor of royal Forces stops by Changmin’s busy desk, greeting and frowning. “It’s almost five. You are expected in Royal prime dining hall at seven.” The senior royal official says in softened tone. “All departments closes at five.”

      “It’s three more scrolls to go, your highness.” Changmin stands up honoring the senior official. “I would wrap it up soon.”

      “Wish all young people are as hard working as you.” The senior official smiles. “I’ll take my leave.”

      “Have a safe ride, Your highness.”

An hour later, Changmin knocks on Ji Changwook’s door to make quick self-refreshing up before heading to the Palace together with his friend. He refuses Changwook’s offer changing into better outfit. He isn’t into the cheery celebration’s mood. In fact, he feels worse than this morning.

      “If I may know, as a friend, what troubles you that bad, Min?” Changwook speaks in careful tone not wanting to add the sourness on his friend’s look. “Just asking since your look would be the total opposite of this royal dinner. Everyone is happy for the royal queen and the ruler’s dinner invitation while you.” Changwook clears his throat. “Look.. less happy.” He doesn’t say miserable which is more fitting than less happy.

Changmin inhales long heavy breath. “I.. messed up.”

      “Huh? What? The evaluation? Any bad incident I didn’t know?”

The miserable looking assistant general shakes his head slowly. “I don’t know how to tell you this. It’s.. more complicated than what I thought before.”

      “Well.. take your time.” Changwook punches Changmin’s arm playfully. “But you gotta fix your sour look for now. Come one. You could start from the easy part first. It won’t be as bad as you almost get killed one, right?”

Worse, actually. Changmin forces a smile. “Let’s go before I get more messed up.”

--

The royal queen Go Ara is shining bright with free happy smiles and laughs welcoming the invited people. She looks really stunningly beautiful in genuine happy smiles and sparkling joyful eyes. Yunho is seated close to his queen, showing his warm affectionate attention to the woman he’s married to. People easily see how lovely and loving they are to each other though they don’t miss Yunho’s long glance at the consort’s direction too. Jaejoong chooses to sit next to Princess Song Qian and princess Rita. He enjoys the dinner as much as the other royal figures. Carrel and carrelitas soon fill up the dining hall when the queen is asked to dance. Ara takes Yunho’s hand shyly as she stands up following her husband’s lead to the dance floor. It’s not actually a dance floor as in a ball sequence. It’s closer to a spacious corner in the royal prime dining hall set up for certain purposes yet more often than not, the aristocrats use the corner for entertainment during dinner celebration like now.

      “Are you happy?” Yunho holds his queen close. Their feet move easily and slowly in harmony following the music.

      “Never better.” Ara whispers back. It feels so right, so safe, so warm to be in the ruler’s hold. “Thank you, your majesty.”

      “Be this happy every day, princess.” Yunho places a soft kiss on Ara’s hair. “You are so beautiful when you are happy.”

      “I will.” Ara promises. “We will.”

      “I wish you could count on me more, beautiful.”

Ara’s smile is light and innocent. “I know you would agree on it eventually but it would take time. I just did what I could do to shorten your hardship, your majesty.”

      “But sending so many private trusted people of your family to look for it means you don’t trust me enough.”

Ara chuckles at the complaint. So childish. “It’s not that many. Only seven people. Father has no object on it. Mother also thinks it’s good to start as early as possible.”

      “You are in my responsibility now, dear princess. Not your parents’ anymore.”

      “Well.” Ara leans away to turn around for their dance rhythm. “You were so opposing it. You’re angry I used Cair’s ambassadors to find its possible whereabouts. You said I shouldn’t abuse our authority for our personal purposes, remember?”

      “That’s because you didn’t tell me first.” Yunho pouts. “I had to confront Song Qian and our people overseas to know that you’re seeking for that ancient spring water thingy.”

      “I was to seek it as quietly as possible.” Ara reasons. “I didn’t think my personal inquiry would lead to people ill assumption.”

      “Just let me know first from now on, okay? You want to get the water, I’ll do what I could to bring the water here for you.”

Ara couldn’t beam brighter.

Changmin sees and feels the bright happiness everywhere in the hall yet he can’t help feeling the opposite of it. He watches people smile and laugh. He watches people walks or half run passing to and fro before him, joking or conversing in enthusiasm. He watches the attractive carrels and carrelitas giving hearty company to high profile people. He watches them more.

Does Hanxi smile like them when he is told to keep the company pleased? Does he put on suggestive seductive gestures catching people’s attention? Does he charm people with his singing or with his sweet talk? Is he the provoking naughty carrel? Is he the playing shy one? Is he the daring one talking back to people no matter what his/her status is? Is he the smart brainy one who blends well in any kind of conversation? Does he wear challenging outfit or does he wear simple one-two tone color one? Does he look classy arrogant but easy to get or does he look friendly but actually picky?

      “Your eyes will get serious discipline lessons if you keep burning people’s shoes like that, Min.”

Changmin ignores the joke (half warning too).

      “So, what’s the sore on your mood?”

Changmin folds his arms. “I didn’t know you’ve been borrowing the army record.”

      “Oh.” Yoochun leans his body beside Changmin. “Just cross checking some stuffs for the recruits. You know how sensitive it is with the flooding merchants in our market right now.”

      “Found anything?”

      “Not much. I got some interesting mixed-up or swapped records.” Yoochun chuckles. “Doolwan’s face was so white when I showed them to him. You should have seen how lost he looked.” The chuckle isn’t reciprocated. “Doolwan told you?”

      “Nope.” Changmin negates. “Quarter evaluation.”

      “I see.” Yoochun senses the unwelcoming vibe. “I hope I wasn’t too harsh on Doolwan. You came with Jonghyun or Changwook?”

      “Changwook.”

Silence. Yoochun’s playful mocking face changes to its leading general in business look. “Why it bothers you that I’ve been checking on Hanxi’s past record?”

      “It doesn’t.” Changmin denies.

      “You’re upset.”

      “It has nothing to do with you or Hanxi.”

      “If you say so.” Yoochun lets two minutes pass in silence before saying. “Hanxi is listed as Shargav’s presented gifts to our former ruler. His registered date as white carrel, unofficial one as usual, was two or three weeks after Comander Lee case. The Shargav people came two weeks after the incident. It’s either Hanxi arrived here earlier than his fellow Shargavian or his record was swapped or mixed up.”

Changmin’s heart beats irregularly.

      “If he did come earlier, his soldier recruitment training record was also mixed up or simply lost.” Which Yoochun doubts on it. “Changwook shared three training session with him. A year after HyunJoong, SooHyun and KyuJoong joined the training.” Yoochun says. “I didn’t see any Shargavian joining our army. All of them were registered as carrel and carrelita.”

Changmin looks away. Yoochun wouldn’t find anything if he checked every single report on that year. Yoochun has to check to the years before but he wouldn’t let Yoochun know about it.

      “Are you still upset at me?”

That makes Changmin snort. “I told you it’s not you.”

The prince has a thin smile on his lips. “I have three carrels living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed with me, Min. I know well the symptoms of someone losing his head falling for a carrel since I did it three times better than anyone else.”

      “You don’t really fall for them. You just wanna keep them for yourselves.”

      “Same different.” Yoochun smirks. He’s just confirmed that Changmin is indeed swept off his feet by his servant carrel. “I just know how to handle it without losing all my grip like Yunho and Siwon.”

Changmin tsks. “You’re just being your Park brat big headed player Yoochun.”

      “None complains.” Yoochun sneers. “Still upset at me checking up your carrel’s background?”

      “For God’s sake how many times I must say it’s not you, Chun!!”

Yoochun breaks into laughter. Changmin wide glaring eyes are so in contrast of his duck lips annoyed at the prince’s remark. “Not me? It’s Hanxi then? He wants to stab your chest with bed leg again? I could help him.”

      “You.. “ Changmin punches the prince hard on the shoulder. “Shut up!”

Yoochun’s high spirited laugh turns louder. They hit and kick each other getting people’s eyes looking at their playful physical banter. Changmin feels a lot better now that he could somehow lash his sourness out onto Yoochun.

      “Speaking about Siwon.” Yoochun says when they both stop kicking each other. “He went to the Arena today.”

      “Was he bored? Testing his men as usual when he makes time to go to the Arena?”

      “He was. He dared his leading men to go against him three or five at a time. Heechul wasn’t happy.”

      “Heechul came too?”

      “Siwon said it’s Heechul’s idea. That Kim consort of Siwon’s wanted to see men in battle field.”

      “He didn’t go against Siwon?” Changmin starts to smile.

      “You bet he did but Siwon told him to just sit and watch him slaying the Arena.”

      “What a cocky Choi.”

      “That was interesting.” Yoochun laughs at the memory. “Hyunjoong nearly knocked him down because Heechul distracted him.”

      “Tsk. Of course Heechul would. HyunJoong and him are Kims.”

      “Right. Siwon declared for rematch. Il woo had to step down reminding him that Yunho invited us tonight or Siwon would go on showing off his sword and blade.”

Changmin rolls his eyes.

      “Siwon met your Hanxi.” Yoochun casually informs. “I guess your servant has implanted magnet in him. He was picking random training men to go against one of his new trained squad member. He picked three rookies and your servant.”

Changmin’s head moves so fast. “Hanxi came?”

      “He didn’t look well, though. Siwon’s man beat him easily. That, or Hanxi did it in purpose.”

Changmin’s stiff look upon hearing the sentence doesn’t lessen Yoochun’s delight teasing the assistant general. “He asked me why we took in such weaklings. I told him Hanxi was a servant and he was in training because his lord told him so. Disciplining him for his disobedience and incapability doing his chores. ”

Changmin punches Yoochun really hard.

--

The night is chilling that the guards on duty wear double outer layers after their usual guarding outfit. Changmin and sleep are on each other’s tail that he gives up his struggle to set foot into restful dream for the needed energy recharging. He shoots up into sitting in bed grunting at the wall and the failure of sleeping. He grabs his fur cape draping it over his body making his way out of his well-kept warm bedroom. Perhaps a short tour in the Shims’ side garden can help him calling out for sleep when he returns later. He walks in heated up mood scolding himself why it’s so difficult to sleep after such a long day. He slows his walk when the very reason and source of his sleep problem is seen leaning against the tree on the farthest right corner of the side garden, sitting.

      “Shouldn’t you be resting now?”

His servant jolts up from his sit-leaning post, body reacting fast forming a defensive gesture against Changmin’s disbelief look. Changmin feels like dragging the servant back to guest chamber and tells him to sleep properly seeing Hanxi’s tired yet troubled eyes. It seems that he’s not the only one having trouble sleeping.

      “Zeke told me you’re sick last night yet you’re here scaring people away for mistaking you as one of my garden’s ghosts.”

Hanxi doesn’t pull off his defensive pose. “I’ve just woken up from sleep, sir.”

      “Yeah?” Changmin walks approaching the servant. “That makes two of us.” He sits on the aligned waist height decorating stones near the tree where Hanxi leaned on before. “Not cold?”

The servant straightens his pose. “Not too cold yet.”

      “You should wear something thick leaving your bedroom at this hour or you’ll get sick again.”

      “I would, sir.” the servant stands still.

No word is spoken for the next three minutes. Changmin tries not to stare at his servant. The servant wants to leave his spot but for that, he has to walk past the assistant general which he assumes could lead to something worse as the path heading out from the garden is narrow and bushy. He hates the idea of brushing any body part against the taller man so his option is waiting till the Shim the third leaves the garden first.

Changmin could read his servant’s thought quite easy. He doesn’t plan to grant Hanxi’s wish so soon. Not till he could straighten things out between them.

      “You hate me so much for trying to touch you that night, don’t you?”

The servant looks away. Something flashes in his eyes.

      “Be honest. I know you’re lying if you say otherwise.”

Junsu’s tight fists are enough answer. “Yes.”

      “From one to ten, how much you wanted to kill me that night?”

The servant doesn’t reply immediately. “One hundred.”

Changmin smiles funnily. “Because I was drunk and forcing myself onto you?”

No answer but the stiff cold body pose. The servant’s face hardens so thick Changmin could see the struggle not to hit him with those fists.

      “I was drunk real bad.” Changmit starts. “I heard stupid things spoken about me. It was said by a carrel. If I wasn’t quite tipsy when I heard it, I wouldn’t take them seriously. But I was offended. The words angered my pride. I drank more till I couldn’t distinguish what was where. I just needed to prove that I wasn’t all that.” Changmin could say this after serious reflection. “I went home in smoking temper and fogged aggravated mind. I didn’t think. All I wanted was showing the carrel his place and who I was.”

The servant slowly turns his head.

      “I really didn’t know how I remembered I had a carrel in my house. I demanded for your presence. I had to show it to you, a carrel, how wrong of you belittling me, dishonoring me. That, and the kick of the tons liquor I sent to my head.”

The night air is getting damper and colder.

      “I was brutal and literally turned into demon that night. I took all the evil force onto you. I’m sorry, Hanxi.” Changmin’s tone is heavy. “Really sorry you had to be there to be the object of my evil side. I was beyond terrible to you. I understand that what I did is unforgiven. You have every right to hate me to your flesh and bone.”

For someone like Shim Changmin to apologize to a lowest rank servant like Hanxi is a massive humiliation. It’s similar to admitting or announcing that you smear your blue blood with dirt . Owner of the house has the absolute right and authority over his/her servants. No exception. Manors have their private prison for good reasons like keeping the authority ensured and obeyed by the people working for them. It should be Hanxi apologizing to Changmin for rejecting him, not Changmin apologizing for wanting to bed Hanxi, drunk or not.

      “I took you to the Arena because you could do better there than doing chores in my house.” Changmin continues, realizing in full awareness that his servant wouldn’t bother responding to him. “Yoochun, Il woo, and Changwook agree you would make a great fighter if you feel like reconsidering your option. Il woo is fine with taking you in his squad. Yoochun might select you too if you keep on the training.” Their eyes meet. Changmin can’t help avoiding the kick in his stomach and chest. “But it’s up to you. It’s your decision. You’ll return to palace in few days. Please give it a thought or two.”

The servant blinks. The fists loosen. So do the body gestures.

      “I’ve been treating you awfully bad in my house.” Changmin breathes easier. “It’s something I can’t help of. I’m sorry. Things just went that way.”

      “It’s a servant’s life. It’s expected.”

Changmin has no decent reply to that.

      “Are you the kind of person that once you hate someone you’ll hate him for the rest of your life? No chance to redeem for forgiveness? For making up the mistakes?”

The blinking eyes in caught off guard view are new to Changmin. Hanxi looks.. cutely lost.

      “I’m.. not sure?” He blinks his eyes again and again.

      “What do you feel or think when someone mentions Commander Lee?”

The cold fire is back on the eyes in an instant. Changmin’s heart is thrown hard on the rocky cliff.

      “You don’t forgive people you hate.” Changmin feels so weak and useless. “I have no chance to restart with you.”

      “Why.. would you think to restart with me?”

      “Why wouldn’t we?”

      “I don’t think we’ll do.”

      “Because you are my servant?”

      “You do this to all of your servants?”

      “No.” Changmin tsks. “I don’t bed any of my servants. Not that I ever think of doing so too.”

      “I’m your servant now.”

      “Not in the next few days. You’ll be carrel Hanxi again. Or, if you choose to go on training in the Arena, you’ll be a warrior soon.”

Hanxi looks at Changmin in the eye round and clear. “I probably am going to say ugly things about you in your face too like the carrel you’re mad at.”

      “I won’t be drunk when you say it, I’m sure I could manage.” Changmin likes the way Hanxi’s eyes looking at him. No pretense. No made up courtesy.

      “If you think so, Sir.”

      “Say, I dare you to fight me tomorrow, we fight fair and square, you could pour out your hatred against me, you think you could forgive me a little bit?”

Hanxi casts the taller man another long look that Changmin welcomes it wholeheartedly. “I sure don’t plan to spend days in prison again, sir.”

      “I mean it.”

      “I doubt such occasion would arrive.”

      “You were so determined to stab me to death then, why doubting it now?”

      “You are not drunk or blindly driven by evil spirit in the present.”

Changmin slowly stands up. “I see.” His smiling lips and eyes meet Hanxi’s usual flat expression. “Time to go back sleeping. I guess I’ll sleep soundly now.” He starts to move to his chamber. “Oh, by the way. I don’t mean it in bad way.” He pauses his pace. “Don’t take it as a threat or the kind. I just need to tell you this, no harm intention at all.” He turns around facing the servant. “I know your name, Hanxi.”

Hanxi is still standing on his post, hasn’t made any step or move yet.

      “Your name before you changed it into Hanxi.”

MESSILY UNBETAED.