Ji Changwook is well skilled warrior. He’s opted to be commander in near future what with his skilled martial art and blade dancing. He’s on the same par with KyuJoong and SooHyun. Just a little bit below Hyunjoong.

Prince Park Yoochun is the royal representative when it comes to face to face battle. He’s smart, he’s slick, he’s dual weapon user and he’s manipulative in fight. He’s not the leading in command Cair general for nothing.

But that night, an unknown servant gets through their great fighting skill unexpectedly. The servant only holds a half torn wooden bed leg yet his rough unskilled movements take the two warriors by surprise. It’s not the first time they face an amateur opponent yet it’s the first time they encounter a servant who could fight them back using a torn bed leg and hit them twice or thrice painfully too.

      “You injured an assistant general, servant!” Yoochun grits his teeth. “Prime soldiers would lock you up any minute from now.”

      “I don’t care even if he’s the ruler of Cair himself!” The man breathes heavily, sweat all over his body. His robe is half ripped revealing colors and bruises on his skin. “I don’t give a damn care who he is but it’s my body. He has no right messing with me.” The eyes flare in red angry fire. “I’m a servant here, not his carrel!”

Two more moves and the servant collapses on the ground. Zeke knocks him from behind. “You ungrateful b****!! The personal assistant growls. “Take him inside!”

--

Changmin isn’t severely injured. He’s thickly drunk and can’t really register what’s going on when he wakes up on the following morning. Changwook and Jonghyun are by his bed. His chest feels like burning through the flesh and bones while his head is spinning like broken fast moving carrousel.

      “Someone wakes up.” Jonghyun’s voice greets Changmin’s ear. “Zeke! He’s up. Call the healer!”

Healer? Healer? Did someone get injured here?

      “Ugh.”

      “Don’t move too much, assistant general.” Changwook’s voice is mocking. “You need all the rest you can get to recover before answering serious question from the defense table.”

      “Ugh.. I’m w-what?”

      “Rest, boy. Rest. I’m glad the wood isn’t pointy sharp otherwise you’d lost your life.”

      “Huh?”

--

      “Man, it’s hard to build up coverage story.” Il woo whistles. “You moved really fast, paw. Head general Shim the second owes you big time for this.”

      “I was there. What else I could do?”

      “You could always go home pretending you weren’t there like everybody else did if they were in your position.” Il woo states. “Min was really lucky you’re there. Imagine if it’s the prime soldiers and it’s too late, we’d have a funeral by now. Rest in peace, our beloved assistant general, stabbed right on the heart by an angered servant.”  

      “Not funny, Il woo.”

      “None says it’s funny.” Il woo seconds Yoochun. “Changmin should really learn to get his temper in check. What did he have in mind when he did that? A servant? He must be really really drunk.”

      “He was.” Yoochun remembers every detail of what happened that night. “I learned that he went seeing carrel Kibum an hour before the carrel left for MinHo’s chamber.”

      “Torn pride? Broken heart?”

      “I guess. But he drank several shots with princess Song Qian’s man before seeing Kibum. Zhoumi said Changmin reappeared in the royal reception hall drinking more with him. He left Changmin in the booth alone after a while going home for dinner. He said Changmin drank a lot after he came back.”

      “Kibum chose MinHo.” Il Woo says the obvious. “Min couldn’t take it well.”

      “Changmin has never met rejection before. Not like he sees a lot of people for romance either. It must be a shock to him.”

      “But a servant?”

Yoochun turns his figure so that he is eye to eye with his cousin. “Bear this in mind that this is just between us.”

Il woo frowns. “Why is that?”

      “Because it’s under wrapping to be in minister Shiv’s black parchment. You never hear this from anyone. It never happened.”

Il woo spends two minute before nodding. “You have my word.”

      “Remember the rookie soldier you told me months ago? The one who nearly killed Commander Lee?”

      “Yeah?”

      “It’s the same servant nearly killed Changmin.”

      “NO WAY!!”

      “Thought so.” Yoochun makes shushing gesture. “Till I fought him myself. He’s really good for someone who just had a bed leg as a defense. His moves were rough, unpracticed, amateur yet he managed to hit me and Changwook twice.”

      “You serious?” Il woo widens his eyes in disbelief. An amateur hit Yoochun twice? This very Park Yoochun?

      “His feet and hands were unstable but he held the wood damn tight. His hands bled holding it.”

      “How did you knock him off?”

      “Neither me or Changwook did. It’s Changmin’s personal assistant hitting the servant’s head hard from behind.” Yoochun makes very bad face. Il woo makes similar one soon after.

      “What a coward. Knocking someone from behind? Huh!” Il woo spits in disgust. “Then? Was he silenced?”

      “I told Shim the second not to be in haste silencing the servant. I said I had some matters I needed to solve and it involved the servant.”

      “What matter?”

      “Nothing. I just feel like something isn’t right.”

      “You just delay what’s already decided.” Il woo says.

      “He’s not a mere servant, Il woo. He’s a white carrel sentenced guilty for stealing servant’s class three robe. From what I see it all today, the servant didn’t grant Changmin’s need to bed him. Changmin needed consolation from Kibum’s rejection. There’s a carrel in his house. He wanted to get his pride back by bedding this poor servant.”

      “But he got quite a fight instead and nearly lost his life from it. Good Gracious Sweet God.” Il woo facepalms. “What do you think of it, Chun?”

      “I don’t know for now. We have to wait till Changmin gets well to find out.”

      “And they say Shim Changmin is a goodie goodie boy.”

      “A good man will make the worst problem when he loses control.”

      “I hope Yunho won’t copy Changmin then.”

      “Oh. Our Ara still hasn’t returned to the palace yet? I heard about Ara’s staying in her parent’s house from Hyuna. Been busy covering for Min.”

      “Not likely. Till Yunho grants her wish. People start to bad mouth Jaejoong behind the doors.”

Well. That one can’t be helped. Yunho should be careful making decision from now on. His heart or his people. Yoochun prays hard that Yunho would be wise because he definitely doesn’t want the throne if Yunho chooses Jaejoong.

 --

Changmin remembers piece by piece in difficulty. Changwook helps him recalling the painful memory of the night he was nearly sent to the afterlife.

He remembers drinking with Zhoumi for encouragement seeing Kibum as he was still unsure about his own feeling. Did he really want Kibum? Did he not? Was he fine if Kibum became Minho’s official consort? Was he not? Changmin should have had known that drinks wouldn’t help. Drinks would worsen everything. He was just asking as a friend to Kibum whether Kibum really loves MinHo because both of them are precious people for Changmin. Prince Lee MinHo isn’t as close as Yoochun to him yet still a very good friend nevertheless. Kim Kibum has helped him a lot through the knick knack of the royal social circle where a rather shy noble like him could adjust with the flow of Cair elite profiles as well as keeping his father’s trust that Changmin wouldn’t do something stupid that may tarnish his starting career as an assistant general.

It was purely the bad influence of the drinks. That, and Kibum’s answer.

When he’s dismissed from the healing center, Changwook yet gives him another shock revealing who the servant is.

      “He was in soldier training with you?”

      “Yes. Eight years ago. He nearly killed commander Lee for the same reason you did to him.”

      “I was drunk.” Changmin feels so ashamed right now.

      “Drunk or not, you made him almost kill you, Min. Almost.” Changwook emphasizes the last word. “Prince Yoochun moved fast tackling his fast stabbing hand onto your chest or else.. I was stunned, not believing what I saw when he just jumped onto you intending to plant the bed leg in your chest, paw. It’s.. frightening. His eyes were.. I couldn’t describe it.”

Changmin’s brain mildly pictures out the event. He has this hazy images of someone pushing him away, someone using arms to shield from him, someone whose neck he bit and , someone..

      “Where is he now? Prison?”

Changwook shakes his head. “Ask your father.”

Changmin immediately seeks a private audience with his father. He apologizes; hands, forehead, lips, and nose touching his father and mother’s toes. He is really sorry for his recklessness.

      “Never drag yourself that low till you have to apologize lining your head with someone else’s feet, son.”

      “I’m terribly sorry, father.” Changmin can’t say other words. “It was my sole mistake for drinking too much.”

      “We all could tolerate a drunk person.” His mother pats Changmin’s head. “But not the motive behind the act of drowning yourself in liquor.”

      “I.. I wasn’t thinking..”

      “Shim Changmin.”

      “Y-yes, sir.”

      “You are a noble, blue blood runs in your vein as well as pledged oath to protect and preserve the truth. You are born to serve this country for the better future. Not to waste your time with toys like carrel or carrelitas.”

Changmin drops his head very low.

      “You deserve a prince or princess. A ruler.  A queen. An heir or heiress. You may keep some toys but never let them play with you.”

      “I w-will r-remember that.”

      “Good. Submit yourself to defense department tomorrow and see to whatever sentences they draw for you. Prince Park has done so much to save our name. It’s your forever debt you must repay in the future.”

Zeke welcomes Changmin in the assistant general’s well fixed and redecorated private chamber. Changmin is in no mood to deal with any servant for now that he tells Zeke and the usual lingering butler, maid and servants to leave him alone. He needs to think and reflect.

What is his name again? Hanxi? A white carrel? Trained as soldier but turned into carrel? What kind of person is he? What made him entangled in such complicated history? His father would never spend thirty seconds deciding to silence the servant. The senior Shim would end the servant’s life right away as soon as the father found out what the servant did to Changmin but Zeke just said in stuttering words that Hanxi is locked up in the Shims’ private prison. It’s been two weeks yet his father hasn’t taken action silencing the servant. Something must be cooking here. He’ll get more answers later after he deals with defense department.

Why was he so stupid lashing out his disappointment to Hanxi? Of all maids and servants work for the Shims, why did he ask for Hanxi when he was drunk? Why did he remember that Hanxi is a carrel? He’s so screwed, God helps him.

      “My lord, please. Lord Shim the second put on strict order not to let anyone in.”

      “I’m Shim the third, Zeke. Open the bar! I want to see Hanxi.”

      “He’s.. he’s doing okay, sir. he’s fine.”

      “Let my two eyes see that he’s really okay.”

Zeke bites his inner lip as he send head sign to the guards to unlock the bars. Two guards moves swiftly getting the key and open the steel door for their master. Changmin walks in counted step. The prison is the same everywhere. Dark, damp, smelly, small and sends all your body hair rises for no reason. He steps forward as his eyes trying to adjust with the darkness. His father doesn’t need to know that he goes down to check on Hanxi. His nose smells something so familiar in battle training arena. Blood. He walks further looking for any hints of Hanxi’s figure when his shoes bump into something. He kicks slowly at the bump. It moves a bit. Changmin looks down to see better. He curses out loud as he gradually recognizes the curling bump greeting his shoes. It’s human. Breathing very low but very much unconscious. When Changmin looks closer, the body and face are stained by blood and bruises so bad he vomits right there on the spot.

      “Carriage to healing center!!!” He roars when his stomach has squeezed every food he’s chewed before. “NOW!!!”

--

Is it what his mother described as living nightmare?

      “It’s just nighmare, baby. Just nightmare. You’ve woken up. It won’t come back anymore since you conquered it by waking up.” His mother used to lull him back to sleep in the middle of the night. “You are my Junsu. You are much stronger than nightmare. You can always leave them in the dark. They won’t chase you here. go back to sleep and show them who’s the stronger one.”

      “But, mama. Why do I get nightmare?”

His mother kissed him on the head three times. “Because they envy us. They could just appear when you sleep. They can’t live in the time when you are awake. Being awake is your strongest weapon, baby Junsu.”

      “Really?”

His mother nods in warm smiles. “I guarantee, sweetheart. Nightmare would never set foot in your wake.”

      “What if it comes when I’m awake?”

      “Then you have to sleep to take their place. Sleep. Sleep. Till you could strike back slaying every single one of them.”

The first living nightmare was when Juno left him. Left them. He was fifteen nearing sixteen. His mother spent most of her time in bed combating a losing battle with incurable illness. Juno had a very ugly row with his father, the chief Kim. Juno declared he wasn’t part of the Kim anymore and just left their hometown unable to bear the injustice.

The second living nightmare was losing his mother. He was sixteen and alone. The Kims were struggling with conflict after conflict both internal ones among themselves and external ones against other rulers. None cared about his loss. None remembered to pay their last respect to his mother. Everyone was busy saving themselves from the uncertainty of their future.

Soon then, when he was seventeen, the bigger living nightmare kicked in. He was collected to a huge robust ship together with several other teens taken and sailed to an unknown land called Cair. He met nightmare after nightmare there that by the passing years, he got used to it till that one time..

      “What makes you think so high of yourself, huh? You’re just carrel, our carrel. You must please us with all you’ve got there.”

      “How could you push me away! You trash of a carrel. Who the f*** do you think you are?”

      “This body, eh? This body you said? It’s mine. It’s mine! You hear that, dumb***? Nothing of your body is ever yours. It’s mine. Ours. Hahaha!”

      “Shut up! You can’t reject me. My doormat is even way more useful and better than you ***** body.”

Junsu, I will come back. I will set you free from all those sh***. Keep yourself safe. Never let anyone touch or force you. I’ll come back for you. I promise.

Promise. I’ll keep myself safe till you’re back.

No one will ever touch me till we both are free on our own.

      “Carrel Hanxi?”

      “……”

      “Carrel Hanxi? Sir? could you hear me? It’s me, Hansol. Your servant.”

      “…..”

      “He moves his finger! Help! Somebody please call any healer. Help!”

      “Mama, why are you staying with papa? Papa never cares about us.”

      “Shhh.. Junsu. He cares. He’s just busy.”

      “But mama is sick now. papa hasn’t even visited us once even though I’ve told him that you’re sick.”

His mother smiles in schooled pain. “Papa is a chief, Junsu. He has so many things to manage for everyone’s benefit.”

      “But not mama’s benefit?”

      “Mama has you, darling. Mama doesn’t need papa. You make mama always happy.”

      “She’s your wife too, chief!”

      “So are the other ten women. Why do I have to tend the sick woman? I don’t wanna waste my precious time near a dying old lady. Tsk.”

      “Junsu, you can never expect someone to give you happiness. You have to create your own one. You are my happiness, son. Despite my all bad choices and weaknesses, I’m so glad and blessed I have you as my son.”

      “Sir? Carrel Hanxi? Carrel Hanxi?”

Hanxi snaps his eyes open.

      “Oh dear God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

His face and body are covered with bandaged cloths. He tries to move his head to see the one sobbing beside his bed.

      “You are awake. Thank Goodness.” The sobbing is mixed with choked voice. “I’m so afraid you wouldn’t wake up anymore. Thank you, God. Thank you.”

He can’t find his voice till few minutes later. “..H-Han-Hansol?”

      “Yes. Sir. Yes. it’s Hansol.” The sobbing is racing with the voice. “I’ve been.. I’ve been looking for you.. everywhere. I went to noble houses to see you but I didn’t meet you. I almost gave up, sir. I.. I decided I wouldn’t look for your whereabouts anymore but then.. three days afterward.. I heard that a servant was carried here. I didn’t mean to see. I just.. passed by for errands. Then.. then.. I saw you..” Hansol sobs uncontrollably. “I’m sorry, sir. Am really sorry. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have let you wear my robe. I shouldn’t have been tempted to take your silk cloth. I really should say no.”

He couldn’t move his arms so he just uses his voice again. “..Han..sol..”

      “Yes?”

      “No.. No.. Cry.. Men don’t.. cry.”

Hansol really wants to hug this carrel to show how much he’s sorry. He’s been sleeping beside Hanxi’s bed every night after his servant duties end. He begs the nurse to notify him anytime as soon as Hanxi cames to from his unconsciousness. None knows how relieved he is when Hanxi finally wakes up.

Hanxi? He changed his own name into Hanxi? Ah. Right. He returned to carrel chamber in the near time when new fresh presented gifts to the majesty arrived in the palace. The new comers were from a far place called Sarghav that he made a fast decision to reregister himself as Hanxi using the made up excuse that his identity and belonging were somehow lost during the journey to Cair. He was just released from the army quarter, he must look so undesirable that the registrars didn’t bother to question him further. So, it’s Hanxi from that day onward. No more Kim Junsu. He was given the smallest room in the white rank chamber since he looks the least eye pleasing compared to the new arrival. He didn’t mind. In fact, he liked it. He used his newbie rank to spend longer and longer time in the preparation sessions for carrels eventhough he had been though the selection process with Jaejoong and the other Kims. He had learned all the rules by heart yet he made reckless mistakes on purpose.

Hanxi. It suited him so well since the name had nowhere link to the newly appointed royal consort, or to the famous charm mistress Kim Claudia, or to the heart throb soldier Kim Hyunjoong. He took and retook and retook every carrel assessment to be legally presented to Cair as decent carrel that the senior head of carrel registrar gave up on him. There’s always something wrong in Hanxi’s assessment. His clumsiness with anything related to water, his lack of respond in keeping lively conversation, his mismatched robe and accessories. There’s no assessment where he didn’t get red stamp as a warning to go back to preparatory process. Two and half years later he had to make it as a white carrel or he’d be sent to the palace kitchen as the lowest rank of washing servants. He considered the servant option but.. there, he’d meet other Kims often as he would tend to most of royal Cair meal time which means he would waltz around the great royal dining hall serving food or drinks. He didn’t plan to be recognized as one of the Kims anymore what after he nearly took one commander’s life record.

      “You look much better.” Hansol beams. “One more day and you might be dismissed from this healing center, sir.”

It’s been four days and Hansol is always there tending for his need. Junsu can’t feel more grateful toward his servant friend. He barely has friend here. Hansol is his first and might be his only friend.

      “How about your duty in palace?”

      “I take leave.” Hansol carefully fixes Junsu’s blanket. “I told my rank leader that I’m seeing a sick family. She gave me a week.”

Family? Hansol thinks of him as family?

      “Your real family doesn’t ask the sudden take leave?”

      “Naahh. We are all servants in the palace. We won’t meddle in each other’s private life unless we are asked for help or favor.”

Junsu has to smile at that. “You have such a great family there.”

      “Eh? Great servant family you mean? Okay. I’ll relay that to mom.” Hansol takes his usual post to rest for the night. “Um.. if I may ask, where will you go to after the healer dismisses you? Your carrel chamber? Or the Shims’?”

Junsu shrugs. “The prison?”

      “Why would you go there?” Hansol frowns. “Assistant general Shim Changmin and Prince Park have cleared your case in front of defense department.”

Junsu has heard it like fifty times by now. Hansol is so excited telling him in annoying yet accurate details how assistant general Shim the third and Prince Park Yoochun manipulated false story of what happened that night. The assistant general was sentenced three weeks of social contribution while the servant Hanxi was reported badly injured from the accident. Prince Park convinced the board of judges that servant Hanxi probably suffered from permanent disability so it’s better to leave it at that. It’s bad punishment already since for a servant, losing one of his body part means harder time performing duties.

      “How about going back to carrel chamber? I’ve decided to register myself as your personal servant so you don’t need to-

      “I don’t need servant, Hansol.”

Hansol’s mouth is half open, hanging.

      “I don’t see you as servant. I’m a servant too till my sentenced months over. Why would a servant needs servant? Who would pay you? I’m incapable of acquiring servant till maybe.. five years ahead?”

      “I volunteer.” Hansol’s eyes blink fast.

      “No. How about a friend? Would you mind being my friend? Two servants unite together against the world?” Junsu wants to laugh seeing Hansol’s expression.

Hansol’s mouth is once again gaping open. This carrel is really really really weird.

--

Changmin comes first in early morning with a head dropped very low Zeke. Hansol isn’t seen in the treatment room. The healer in charge is changing Junsu’s bandage, pleased at the recovery progress. She quickly explains Junsu’s condition to Changmin who asks a bunch of question to her.

Junsu is really sick seeing the assistant’s general face. More sick than seeing his father’s face back then. At least his father didn’t force himself onto his mother. Even if his father did so, not in front of Junsu.

      “You look well.” Changmin stands tall near the bed. “Feeling better?”

      “Thank you, sir.” Junsu doesn’t bother to coat his cold tone. “I’ll be fine very soon thanks to your generous heart.”

Changmin takes the cold tone alright. HanXi must feel very bitter at him for what he did to the servant. “Don’t mind it. My father has rechecked the stealing robe case. The discipline department has corrected their sentence on you.”

Junsu brings his eyes meeting the assistant general’s sharp dark brown eyes. “I haven’t been told about any changes. Is it prolonged to three years?”

No servant ever talks toward his/her lord like how Junsu is talking to Changmin now.

      “It’s shortened into four months. They couldn’t ignore the fact that you wore a servant’s robe causing misunderstanding and problems toward other servants. You have served the Shims for three months by next week so you have thirty days to go before returning to palace.”

Thirty days seeing your sick face. You’d better not come near me or there’s no next time, assistant general.

      “Prince Park is interested in your combat ability.”

Junsu is not interested.

      “He might come to see you later when you are up to finish your sentenced month.”

      “I’ll be looking forward to it.”

Changmin should do something about that tone and look. “While you are here, my personal assistant has something to say.”

Zeke looks like he would run away as fast as possible. His face obviously says he doesn’t want to do it. “Err.. Um.. Carrel.. H-Hanxi, I-I’m sorry about.. about..

Junsu moves his bandaged arm to wave ending Zeke’s forced apology off. “It’s fine. I don’t remember a thing. You don’t need to say a thing, sir.”

Zeke is clearly taken a back. “I mean.. I-I’m sorry for-

      “I’m a servant in your lord’s manor. Not a carrel. I deserved what I got as a servant. Forget it.”

The air goes very quiet and still.

--

The faces of servants and maids in the Shims’ manor look very much distressed as Junsu makes his way into the servant base. Zeke walks before him, avoiding Junsu’s eyes at all times. He clears his throat twice before his forced voice is heard among the standing household staffs.

      “Um.. carrel Hanxi will-

      “I’m a servant here.” Junsu reminds the personal assistant in flat cold voice.

      “Right. I’m sorry.” Zeke’s face is in battle between escaping and carrying his duty. “Servant Hanxi will help us doing our duties for thirty four days ahead. Please make himself comfortable working with us. He will help for errands outside manor or when our lord Shim issues orders for him. Any question?”

Junsu will be very amused hasn’t he remembered how bad Zeke and some higher class servants treated him before. it makes no difference for him that he is welcomed like some good human now because for him, going back to the Shims’ is his prolonged living nightmare.

      “Your bedroom is over there, Hanxi.” Zeke holds Junsu’s feet movement heading to his old room.

Junsu’s eyebrow arches. “I like my old cold floor alright, sir. Thank you for your concern. I’d prefer my servant treatment stays the same.”

Zeke couldn’t meet the cold eyes crossing his sentences. He nods allowing Junsu to sleep in his previous room.

The servants, maids and butlers are now keeping all weapon potential objects away from him. Junsu still washes piles of attires, bed sheets, curtains, shoes, horse carriages yet it’s all he does in the manor for the first two days. He is sent outside to shop together with three other male servants but now the idea of stepping out of the tall fortress of the Shims’ manor doesn’t excite him as much as before. he speaks very little, hardly smile, having this cold eyes and flat look most of the time as he also eats very little. His meal changes to fruit, fish and meat now yet he chooses to eat his old usual bland porridge.

Changmin watches Hanxi’s moves from his chamber’s window when he finishes his social hour obligation for the day. He sees how different Hanxi is from other servants. Hanxi has this calm yet repelling look on his face. He does things diligently and quickly without any complaint. He wears the same dark stained servant robe despite Changmin’s order to provide clean thicker better clothes for Hanxi. He doesn’t eat together in the servant base dining room. He eats in his room alone since none has enough guts to ask him joining them having meal together. His walking steps are firm and nearly soundless. His colored skin with bruises and scratches is healing bit by bit. Changmin feels like watching some private show where he would spend minutes to hour just watching in wonder.

Hanxi catches his gaze on the fourth day on the late afternoon. Changmin has been leaning on the window sill watching the servant walking slowly across the open wide path. Hanxi has just returned from doing errand. He looks up toward Changmin’s direction, stare back for three seconds and looks away on the fourth second.

If only the assistant general Shim Changmin sees the burning fire in the servant’s eyes….