Does anyone still remember this old dying fic? haha.

anyway, i was just randomly typing this due to.. let's skip unnecessary blah blah shall we? and, since this update is random, please refrain anything related to next update as I'm not sure myself whether I could finish this one without inviting death character. just in case.

Vinth. 19.

Junsu is all wet. His dark green cloth is damp and tight against his shivering body. There are scratches on his arms and legs which enhance his body temperature. It’s getting sorer and sorer as the cold air rubs on them deepening the semi drying yet lingering salt sea water on his cuts. Mars has just peeled off his outer coat from Junsu’s shivering body as they enter the hastily opened chamber. it’s odd that Junsu is shivering more when they are already inside the head quarter part than when he’s riding horse in super fast pace outside. It’s like the cold night wind has less freezing effect than the well lit warm chamber where he is standing right now.

But it’s all not important. The one matters right now is keeping Mars close by him so Juno and aventa Maya could patch the hole of someone missing from the Cair delegation. Junsu doesn’t need to be told what dangerous implication of the current situation is. One minute look from Juno and aventador Cassius have done more than enough needed explanation by words.

                “You need to change.” Mars whispers, hands trembling from controlling himself. His fists can’t hide the heating up –if not boiling- anger upon finding Junsu and that Cair figure together on the shore.

Junsu’s breaths are mildly shaking from the coldness and soreness. “It’s cold.” He half whispers back.

                “I’ll get someone to lit fire bowl.” Mars replies in his best to sound calm.

Junsu’s wet hand moves on its own accord catching Mars’ wrist right in time before the aventador turns around.

Their both cold hands exchange different message. Different pages yet somehow the coldness connect both of them in an odd way.

Mars doesn’t move further but standing and looking at Junsu.

                “I’m fine.” Junsu braves a smile. A genuine one. “I’m fine, your great aventador. Just a bit cold.”

The smile has no good effect on Mars right now. Nothing does at this situation. The face Junsu sees on Mars is the exact look of cold-blooded Mars in messy war. Junsu has never seen it first hand but told by several people who witnessed how merciless Mars could be in war when he loses grip of the idea of giving forgiveness to his opponents.

Junsu lets go of his hand from holding Mars’ wrist. He knows Mars quite enough to recognize which Mars is standing before him. There’s just Mars who Junsu sees most of the time, aventador Mars who Junsu rarely sees unless in a very formal occasion and usually involves other aventa/dors’ presence, and a silent Mars who Junsu hasn’t fully met. This one standing in front of him is neither the first two Mars which might lead to the last one.

                “Sorry.” Junsu steps back in total awareness of who he is. Who is he again? A step cousin of Kim Juno who happens to stay in Windheart head quarter despite his ambiguous status. Nothing more. “I’m sorry.” Junsu lowers his gaze onto Mars’ cold-stoned fists.

Silence. Mars stands still. Too angry to do or say a thing. Junsu half shuts his eyes feeling the piercing silence thrown onto him. He wants to speak more but he doesn’t want to aggravate Mars angry figure more.

                “Change.” Mars breathes the word out breaking the thick unfriendly silence between them. “You’ve been shivering and wet for too long.”

Junsu has to agree with it. The horse ride from the south coastal shore to the nearest door of Windheart head quarter took some long time despite Mars’ deft riding skill and the taken short cut route.

What was he thinking when he dove into the sea before? What was he doing? He was just.. taking his time cooling and calming himself down after meeting one figure from his past Cair days. It’s silly and ridiculous. Why did he need time to calm himself? Why did he rush out to the empty shore upon seeing the Cair assistant general’s stare? Why just did he..

Cold fingers touch Junsu’s left cheek. There are three scratches on it that Junsu winces automatically when the cold fingers press on the scratched spots.

                “Bath? Esha and Vera have prepared warm shower.”

Junsu nods obediently as his eyes slowly crawl up, gambling their way onto Mars’ eyes.

                “Maya is taking my place keeping the royal Cairs delegation company during dinner.” Mars informs; lips still thin and tight exposing his inner struggle. “I’m afraid you have to bear this with me.”

                “Aren’t you as good as her?” Junsu chances small talk.

                “False rumor.” Mars grits his teeth. The more he sees the cuts on Junsu, the angrier he becomes. “I’d better tell them to bring it here.” He looks away, too obvious.

The chamber door opens bringing four maids and two guards in. The maids set warm bath for him as well as remake most of the chamber. The guards carry two silver trays serving four medium bowls on each. More maids and guards step inside the chamber arranging things (dinner) and making sure they have done well before they bow low waiting for Mars’ approval.

Junsu says no word against the commotion prepared for him. He couldn’t anyway. He is politely pulled to wash himself in the prepared warm bath which he obeys willingly. He doesn’t dip in the bath right away, though. He wants to bath alone. He couldn’t bath with the presence of maids around him even though he knows it’s their duty to see to what he might need.

He is left alone fifteen seconds later after the maids exchange awkward glances among themselves. Junsu breathes in relief. He dips in the warm bath slowly adjusting the heat of the water with his shivering cold body. Once he feels it’s harmless, he soaks himself thoroughly in it ignoring the stinging reminder on his arms and legs that he has cuts.

                “Are you alright?”

Junsu breathes better. “I’m not aventa Vaya’s baby son.” He replies shortly. He spends another two minutes in the warm bath before he reappears in the main chamber.

Mars hasn’t let the cold mask slide off of his face. “Would you sit? Your cuts need treatment.”

In normal situation, Junsu would refuse it. It’s minor scratches that would heal soon. He’s not made of cotton. He could deal with it very well but again, he remembers the unspoken plea in Juno and Cassius’ eyes.

                “Mars.” Junsu calls mildly as the aventador begins applying the honey-herb essence on his left cheek. “I swear I’m fine.” He tries not to wince when the cold essence meets his scratches spots.

                “You are.” Mars ignores Junsu’s coated bargain. “I’m not.”

Junsu sits still. “You.. are.. not?”

Mars’ hand moves slowly applying the essence. “I’m trying my best not to kill someone.”

Junsu clearly hasn’t known this side of Mars. His eyelids shut before he could stop. It’s.. overwhelming him. Someone as kind and loving as Mars could be this cold.

                “I’m not good.” Mars struggles more. “When my anger takes the bigger part of me.”

Junsu doesn’t feel like opening his eyes. Just hearing the battle of anger in Mars’ voice is enough to send any Zhangs’ man to kneel down. It’s inexplicably frightening.

                “How did you..” Mars bites his lip. “How did you manage to bear those years there?”

Junsu shakes his head, eyes still closed.

                “They put you worse than servant.”

Junsu takes long needed breath. “I.. was taken.”

Silence. Mars is now pasting the herb solid liquid onto the cut spots on Junsu’s bare arms. His cold fingers progress very slow as if they are inspecting and anticipating for more cuts.

                “Mars…

No answer. Junsu finds the aventador figure kneeling on the floor as Mars is pasting the herb on Junsu’s legs. The aventador’s head is mostly unseen as the long black to half red hair stand in the way of Junsu’s sight yet Junsu could perfectly see Mars’ rigid shoulders are stiff.

                “What are you doing?” Junsu pushes Mars’ shoulder away from his legs. “Mars! Don’t do this!” He lifts up his legs as fast as he could. How could an aventador kneel down before him, a mere commoner Junsu?

                “I’m trying not to leave this chamber.” Mars’ head is facing the floor. “So that my people wouldn’t suffer from unnecessary clash with a nation. I’m trying to stop myself from crushing every ship harboring in our shore. I’m trying to carry my duty as my people’s servant. What else??”

Junsu slides down of the couch reaching for Mars’ stiff figure kneeling down on the floor. “What in the world..

                “Tie me up, Junsu.” Mars’ voice shakes. “Chain me up! or better, beat me up!”

                “Shut up!” Junsu pulls the aventador into hug. “Shut up, please.”

                “I’m serious.” Mars hugs back. Junsu could feel how enraged Mars’ heartbeats are. “I really need to get some senses back into me.”

Junsu rubs Mars’ back to ease the angry beats circling inside the aventador. “You are always on your sense, aventador.”

                “Not right now.” Mars can’t remember if he’s been angrier than tonight. “I can’t think, Junsu. All I have in my mind right now is crushing them. Crushing all of them!”

                “You can not.” Junsu tightens his hug. “You are the strength of the people. You can’t kill innocent person for nothing.”

                “Are you nothing?” Mars gets angrier. “Are you, Kim Junsu, a nothing?”

                “Mars, please.” Junsu begs. He feels the escalated anger. “It’s.. a past.. I don’t want to remember or talk about.”

                “How.. how could you just..”

                “Aventador.” Junsu whispers a bit loud. “You swore and vowed to protect the peace and happiness of all living things in the four lands of the Zhangs’.”

The hug becomes painful. Mars locks Junsu in a too tight cage of a hug.

                “I don’t want to be aventador anymore!”

                “Your people.” Junsu reminds the enraged man. “If you aren’t aventador, will I be here?”

                “You will.” Mars snaps. “You must be here!”

Junsu’s back is pressed in such a way that he has to arch to compromise with the pain.

                “I’d rather not.” Junsu’s voice rises along with the uncomfortable pain brought by their too tight hug. “Not when you are letting the useless anger corrupt you.. aargh..

Mars releases the hug realizing he has pained the man he loves so much. He curses loudly catching Junsu’s expression.

                “No. Don’t.” Junsu stops it before Mars apologizes. He has to keep Mars close by or else. “You don’t mean it.”

Mars’ cold angry eyes soften a little. “Distract me.” He says. “I keep seeing myself baring my sword over cold lifeless bodies scattered along the shore.”

Junsu shudders. Now he does meet the cold merciless warrior Mars. If that what Mars sees, it mostly what would happen soon.

                “Beat me, Junsu. Break some bones of mine.”

Junsu shakes his head. “I would never be able to lay a cut on you, Mars. You taught me so well yet I’m still your subject.”

                “I won’t resist.” Mars breathes hard. “I know I won’t resist if it’s you, Junsu.” His eyes are so hot they sting.

                “You can stay here with me without getting injured.”

                “There’s only a door separating me and them.” Mars fists his both hands. “And I could take only so long to suppress all this pain of knowing how they treated you then.”

It is spoken so honest that Junsu loses it for several long seconds. Mars’ eyes and voice are bare in such raw honesty it dawns slowly on Junsu what actually triggers the burning rage.

He scoots forward. He sees how bad Mars is struggling to keep himself in check and to carry his duty.

                “Would you be okay if I say I would answer to all of your questions tonight?” Junsu starts.

                “What questions?”

                “The ones which make you this angry.” Junsu reaches over Mars’ fisted hand. “It’s boring and wasting time but I guess it might help lessening your anger.”

                “I’ve heard it.” Mars squeezes their linked hands. “Hansol, your friend? He told Juno.”

                “You heard it from third person. Not willing to hear it from me?”

Mars gives Junsu a long look.

                “It’s boring, though.”

                “You would answer my questions honestly? Not hiding a thing?”

The thin smile Mars gets from Junsu is a form of promise. “You could always tell whether one is hiding things or not, couldn’t you, dear mighty aventador?”

Another long look from Mars. Anger still intact but the eyes are flickering in better composition. Junsu only has to keep Mars stay with him in the chamber till Juno and Cassius are able to patch up the uninvited hole. It may take all night. It may take a couple of days. It may take a week. Junsu doesn’t know for how long but he is keeping Mars close as long as it takes. It’s the least he could do for Mars.

                “Why were you a lowest rank servant in the Shim’s manor?”

Junsu’s respiratory system nearly halts functioning as soon as he hears the first question. Of all the questions Mars might ask, the aventador chooses that one sentence that leads Junsu back right to the door of his most unwanted dark corner.

Junsu’s pale expression and alarmed body gesture ring another thin line of Mars’ tolerance. It was that bad?

                “I was caught up roaming around the palace under Hansol’s on duty outfit.” The answer comes in shaky vibe.

                “I’ve heard.” Mars’ intent gaze is solely on Junsu. “My question is why you were a lowest rank servant in the Shim’s manor? Why not some other manor?”

Junsu’s stiffened gesture answers better than his voice. “Because I was just a white carrel and because they decided so. It could be any manor. None knew why it’s the Shim’s manor. I could have been sent to the Park’s, the Choi’s, the Lee’s, the Jung’s or any manor. It didn’t matter.”

Mars feels it first before sees it. How painful it is for Junsu to talk about it.

                “Why a carrel?” Mars hisses. “Cair has no better picture of stripping all humanity sides of their taken gifts but to put them into carrel spot?”

Junsu quietly negates it by head shake. “We could go to soldier training too.”

                “You didn’t go for it?”

Junsu looks up carefully. Mars doesn’t bother to show Junsu his ugly bad sides when he honestly tells Junsu how much he wants to kill Cair delegation despite his position as one of the Zhangs’ aventador. It’s ugly side that definitely would change drastically one’s view over Mars. Perhaps he should do it too. About time Junsu is honest with Mars and perhaps to himself too.

                “I did. For several months.” He answers. “It went rocky. I decided to go enlist as a carrel again afterward. I met Hansol for the first time after I rejoined the carrel house.”

The hour passes reluctantly. Mars is still angry but by the passing minutes to hour to a couple of hour, he manages to stomp the black anger down. He listens carefully as Junsu unveils inch by inch of his past Cair days. How Junsu bargained with the carrel bureaucracy, how he stayed in the lowest carrel rank, how he sneaked out of palace, how he made friend with Hansol, how he was punished, how a certain assistant general proposed to him and how Jaejoong kept his earring for him.

They have dinner during the told honest answers. They both lose appetite yet Junsu manages to make both of them eat and drink the served dinner. Not much, though. Just enough to compliment the cooks and maids’ effort preparing it for them.

And to Mars’ surprise, Junsu asks him to sleep here, with Junsu, in one bed.

                “I can’t let you walk through the door.” Junsu says in tired note. “Still carrying unnecessary anger.”

Mars agrees. Junsu turns paler despite the dinner they have had. His temperature is normal which is suspicious what with the pale look Junsu has.

                “I can’t sleep in bed.” Mars reasons. “I’ll take the couch.”

Junsu shakes his head rejecting Mars’ idea. “Are you disgusted by me now that you have known what I am?”

How much Mars wants to destroy those illogical thought Junsu is thinking of himself.

                “The couch should be my bed.” Junsu has moved from bed to prove his point. Mars pulls Junsu back into bed by unnecessary force, partly because he can’t stand seeing how low Junsu thinks of himself.

                “Junsu.” Mars utters the name in firm cold imperative aventador tone. “I don’t have to say the very honest reason why I can’t sleep in bed with you.” He looks aside to at least not be seen too much by Junsu’s warm eyes. “I want to be the ocean you called home.” he adds in reduced firm tone. “However good you perceive me as an aventador, I have flaws and weaknesses.”

Junsu stares at the aventador long enough to put awkwardness between them. Mars coughs as he blinks rapidly.

                “I’ll take the couch.” Mars announces dryly. “That’s final.” He moves awkwardly but halted by an arm holding his elbow.

                “I don’t have home. Never have one.”

Mars turns around so fast facing the pale look.

Junsu looks back. “I don’t think I need a home either.” He says it with all sincerity he has. “It’s enough for me knowing I won’t be someone else’s responsibility. I want to be responsible for my own life.”

And without warning, Junsu cuts their distance. His pale lips brush against Mars’ surprised gasp. Mars quickly catches the lips totally forgetting their surrounding and himself. It’s weird that Junsu takes the move to initiate a kiss, a lip kiss at that too. Mars can’t comprehend a thing as the kiss pulls him down to a state of wondering and amazement. Wonder how on earth a pair of lips could make so much difference of everything. Amazed at the fact that Junsu kisses him first. That Junsu actually opens up to him. That they could be this close, this intimate just by a simple kiss.

                “Sleep here?” Junsu begs, eyes watery for unknown reason. “Please don’t leave bed till I open my eyes next morning.”

Mars find himself unable to say no. He puts his back in bed so close next to Junsu, still wondering what’s going on with today.

Junsu sleeps first, perhaps too tired from the journey back to Windheart, the shore incident, and the self-revealing to Mars.

The aventador can’t sleep, who is he kidding anyway? Sleep? When Junsu is breathing next to him this close and warm? When his hand is held by Junsu so that he won’t leave bed? Sleep is impossible. However much Mars makes effort to sleep, his body is too wild awake, too much aware of the person sleeps innocently besides him.

His senses are all alerted at any slight moving things saves for Junsu’s regular breathing. His mind and brain work like rainstorm in dry season.

Junsu should have been the royal consort of Cair. That’s one thing very obvious. Junsu refused to be one and averted his place to Jaejoong. The knowledge bothers Mars to the point that he decides he’s going to see Maya’s old helper lady first thing in the morning. Okay, seeing aventa Maya first. Mars owes her a self explanation.

Well, he doesn’t have to wait till morning comes. He leaves bed some time after midnight. He breaks through the silent aisles in fast speed, faster than the alarmed guarding warriors who jump out of their posture knowing the fast movement made by their aventador.

Mars, somehow, still remember the manner to pound on the aventa’s resting chamber.

                “Wha- oh.” Maya rubs her eyes. “Mars.” She sends a brief look.

                “Junsu.” Mars could only mutter that one word. He runs back to the chamber where he and Junsu share the bed. It’s not Mars’ official chamber. it’s the north far end one since Mars was too angry to see the shivering cold wet Junsu to reach his own chamber. Mars picked the nearest available one as soon as they hopped out of their horses.

Maya, too accustomed with treating patients, doesn’t waste time gathering her healer pack and running after Mars’ shadow aided by two guards to get to the chamber.

Maya sees a very pale Junsu, in high fever, mumbling badly from an unbreakable nightmare.

                “Close the door.” Maya orders. “Leave this chamber now! He needs space!”

The guards disappear at once.

Maya rips Junsu’s front cloths as her other hand checking Junsu’s pulse. She is late schooling her shocked look upon finding the slightly cracked old wound on Junsu’s chest.

Mars’ loud hit is heard throughout the chamber as Maya quickly produces long roll of white bandage.

                “Not again.” Mars is nearly crying. “Why do you have to bleed there, Junsu?”

                “Not helping, Mars.” Maya tries to aid the mild bleeding old wound as calm as she possibly could. “Look, I need his old herbal prescription ready as soon as possible. I don’t bring any of the needed ingredients. If you could-

Mars has fled the chamber, so fast that the two guards almost knocked down when he runs. He reappears half an hour later with Zax and Seth shouldering two bags.

                “He’s better.” Maya assures. “The temperature has cooled down. No more sweaty nightmare.”

                “We have gathered as much as we could.” Seth informs. “How should we do it?”

Maya eyes the standing aventador. “He needs space. We don’t need another commotion. I’ll write down the instruction. If you could brew it in the kitchen..

                “I’d do that.” Zax decides. “Should we inform general Young?”

                “No.” Mars says. “Keep Young out of it till Junsu is better.”

                “I need to fetch more bandages just in case.” Maya slowly rises from her spot in bed. “Mars, stay here. I’ll be in my chamber if anything happens. Send one of the guards. Don’t leave him alone.”

                “I’ll stay with aventador.” Seth volunteers. “By the door.”

Maya speaks silent agreement with Mars before she and Zax leave the chamber. Once the door is closed, Mars falls down onto the floor.

The ocean. The universe giant water pool Junsu calls as home has the reversal poisonous impacts against Junsu. Whenever Mars could find Junsu after nightmare, it’s always the ocean. The arrow hit Junsu when he’s on the sea. The badly wounded bleeding body fell to the ocean embrace. What is it that Mars been missing all this time?

Junsu swims in difficulty. The wave is jeering and laughing at his silly effort to swim through. He goes forward a bit then swallowed backward by the rushing tide. He rolls helplessly unable to fight back the power of nature.

Just when he is about to be swept down and deeper, a hand catches him.

                “Hold on.” he hears a voice calls for him. “Hold on, please.”

The wave isn’t laughing anymore. It grunts and growls as Junsu and the hand breaking the rolling tide inch by inch.

                “Hold on to me, Junsu.”

Junsu coughs from the tight pressure. His throat is burning with itchy soreness. He coughs again struggling to free his lung from invisible knots.

                “Thank God it stops.”

                “We need to change the bandage. Seth, bring the yellow one here, please.”

Junsu coughs empty air some more. He couldn’t see clearly but he senses the movement around him.

                “Junsu?” someone very familiar calls him. “Junsu? Junsu? Can you hear me?”

Junsu gives the hand holding his a weak squeeze.

                “Maya. He’s awake!” Someone shouts.

Water is dropped onto his mouth. Junsu can’t take it. His throat is in pain.

                “He vomits it.” a female voice sounds worried. “he has to drink it asap or-

A pair of lips half push Junsu’s mouth to open by force and shoves water down his throat. Junsu struggles to throw that forceful move away from him. He can’t take water. It’s too painful for his throat. Why can’t they wait a bit?

                “Junsu, please.” Someone begs. “You have to drink this.”

Junsu shakes his head. He can’t. He can’t. It's searing burn on his throat. However would or could he take any drink?

                “Your chest needs this drink, Junsu, please.”

The same pair of lips touch Junsu’s mouth. Not forceful this time. They plead sincerely that Junsu slowly opens his lips to say he needs a bit of time. As soon as he opens his lips, cold liquid runs into his throat. It burns him like soaring fire.

He can’t refuse another round of cold liquid attacking his throat. It’s burning painful yet he can’t spit them back, the liquid has progressed further to him it's useless to call it back or to stop it.

Someone hugs him tight.

                “Your tears now.” that one speaks in hurt scarred ringing whisper “I’ll make up to it with my life.”

Junsu thinks it’s ridiculous. What life? What tears? He’s just.. he’s crying?

                “I-I’m.. fine..” Junsu can’t even recognize his own voice. “I’m fine.”

Mars lies Junsu down. The harsh breathing has bettered now though Junsu is still in high fever.

                “Seth.” Maya wipes her eyes. “Please notify aventa Vaya and aventador Cassius that Mars would not meet any duty till I’m heading back home.”

Seth nods in silence. He never expects to re-experience this.

                “No word to general Young either. I’ll speak to him myself.”

                “Yes, your aventa.”

Mars can’t feel a thing. He has just found where Junsu’s heart is. The very ugly truth that he is still in process to accept it.

Junsu says he’s fine. Junsu whispers he’s alright to him, to Mars, as he also mention a name. So low that Mars has to convince himself that Junsu indeed says the name. it’s only once but it’s the very answer Mars has been looking for.