But what happens if he meets someone who brings back memories?

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Rin POV:

Over the next 4 days, I’ve been going back and forth from home, Teen Top’s house and the orphanage. Eunjoo and the workers brought Chanwoo to the hospital for a check-up. Nothing was wrong, he was just a bit underweight. They also managed to find out his age, he was probably turning 3 this year. They waited for 4 days but no one came for him, they checked with the police and the social services, they decided that he was abandoned. For a cute kid like him, who in the world would do that to a lovely little boy?

I kept my promise with Jungkook and taught him some basic skills on how to defend himself. He was a fast learner and very enthusiastic to learn more. The steps just came to mind and my body did the same, it moved on its own as if recognising something. I probably did a lot of routines in the past seeing how I could do all those stance and stuff. One by one, the other kids there wanted to learn and it became a mini class. I taught them every 2 days without a charge, I couldn’t do that and it was for a good cause. At least I could be off use.

Chanwoo stuck close to me. If I’m at the orphanage, he would be the first person to run to me, he always smiled at me. He didn’t seem to be afraid of my eyes. He just came closer and closer, I couldn’t say no to him. He was really cute. But a bad thing about it is that once he was separated from me, he would cry his lungs out and refuse to eat anything unless I was in the room next to him or better still, I was the one feeding him. It didn’t bother me, but it wasn’t a routine or burden to me too. I did it because I wanted to be of help. However, every time I see him, my insides was funny.

“Rin, come here for a minute.” Eunjoo called me and I went to her room. “Sit.” I sat on the stood next to her office table. “I wanted to talk to you about Chanwoo. What do you think of him?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what do you think of him, do you like him? You see, the social services said that they want to transfer him to another orphanage by the end of this week if no one adopts him. But knowing him, he would cry until he chokes rather than being away from you. So I was thinking, have you thought of adopting?”

That thought did come across before. But I didn’t think that I would be a good parent or sister.

“Yes, once. After I met him.” she smiled.

“I know this might be a hard and serious decision to make but, would you like to adopt Chanwoo? He likes you and I can see that you care for him in a different way.” She paused and reached out to hold my hand. “It’s been 5 days since I first met you, it isn’t long but I know your personality. I want to you to know that you are changing. Did you notice it?”

I’ve been changing? When did it start and how? I didn’t know about this.

“Your eyes, they aren’t so cold looking anymore. They soften a little when you look at Chanwoo. There is something special about him right? He is different from other kids, I can tell.” I looked at her and she smiled warmly. “I’m not asking you to make the decision right now but just think about it, there’s still time. I know you will be a really good mother or sister if you prefer that. You have the qualities that we are looking for in an adopter, though the income could be an issue but nothing too hard for me to handle. You’ll never know, he might just be the answer you are looking for.”

I walked out to the front yard after our little talk and sat on the green grass. I thought about what she said. She was right about him being special. I could feel him physically, I’ve never felt that with other people before, he was the only one like our fate was tied together. I knew that he liked me, from the way I had to be around him. I didn’t mind, he was a good child. He would listen to me if I told him not to do certain things. I entered a round of metal fight against the pros and cons. Should I or should I not.

I listed down the pros and cons down in my head, the pros first.

1. I’ll be able to feel everyday with him around.
2. I’ll have company, I wouldn’t be alone at home.
3. I have something to do.

There is something that was bothering me. That weird feeling inside my stomach and chest, what was it? Every time he smiles at me, I can’t help but want to pinch his chubby cheeks and scream. These 2 years, I’ve not have this kind of I think what you would call feelings. I couldn’t feel but then when I met him, everything changed. I felt more relaxed, more myself.

The cons:

1. Will I be able to take care of him?
2. Do I have the means to take care of both of us?
3. Will I be a good parent?
4. Do I want to be a mother this young?

I had more thoughts other than these. These were just a few of it. It is very obvious that the cons outweighted the pros. I didn’t know what to choose. I let out a sigh.

“Nonna.” Jungkook sat down next to me. “You know, I think you should do it.” I looked at him and he shrugged. “I happen to walk pass, I didn’t mean to eardrop on your conversation.”

“If you are worrying whether you will be a good mother or not, I think you will. Seeing how you look out for the kids here and pick up after them, it’s heart-warming. I always wanted a mother who would look out for me, pick up after me, love and treasure me. I never got a chance. I’ve been waiting for years, but no one came for me. As I got older, I gained more siblings, all younger than me. That’s when I decided that I will protect them because if no one does it, who will? I will be the one who will love them and look out for them like what parents do. That’s why when I saw you fighting for us, I was touched.” He laid back down onto his back and stared at the night sky. “Lots of kids hope for a family and if you can give Chanwoo one, why not. If you are worrying about the money issue, I’ll pay you for teaching me. Though it’s not much, I can pay you.”

“It’s not the money issue. You don’t have to pay me, I won’t accept it. I’m doing this because I thought it might helpful for you all. Everyone needs to defend themselves. If I know who too, I should share it.”

“Then what is it? If you need a job I can help you ask around.” he turned his head to me.

“I don’t know. Will I be able to do this?”

“Noona, have some faith in yourself. Not everyone will be perfect at first. It takes trial and error and more improvements. You won’t be alone in this, you have me, Yongju noona and Eunjoo noona. We will be there for you.” he sat up. “It all takes the first step of courage.”

You won’t be alone in this.

He was right, I have so many people around me now, all caring and helpful. I won’t be alone in this. My insecurities started to fade away once I saw a picture of Chanwoo smiling in my head. He looked like an angel.

I made my decision.

 

 

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Kris pov:

“Have fun.” I said before going to my room.

It was a day off for us and everyone was doing something productive. Some went out for some fresh air, some when shopping, the others just stayed at home and relaxed, I was one of them. I laid down on the bed, placed my arms behind my head and stared at the ceiling. I let out a sigh. Everything is different, it wasn't the same. The whole household was different. It felt empty. I closed my eyes and her image came up. She was smiling brightly.

 

"Yi fan," she called out. I turned towards her. "I love you." the sun shone on her face, she closed her eyes from the blazing sunlight. I gazed at her side view, taking in her features, she was beautiful.

"What if you can't remember me in the next life?" she asked, her eyes were still closed.

"What makes you say that? I won't forget about you." she opened her eyes and turned towards me, her black hair flew in the wind.

"What if. What should I do?"

"I will remember you. I promise." I reached out and interlaced our hands.

"If, I mean IF you don't remember me, I want you to be happy. Promise me you will." I looked into her eyes and saw sincerity in them. She really wanted me to be happy.

"I promise but I'll only be happy with you." she smiled and leaned onto my shoulder. I felt my stomach flip.

"Thank you, Yi fan. Thank you for loving me."

 

Tears rolled down my cheeks. How could I have forgotten about her? How could I forget the effect she has on me? Her voice, her touch, her face and our memories. How could I be so blind?

It hurts.

It hurts to know the truth when it's too late. She was gone, gone from my life. If only I knew how precious she was before, she might still be with me.

Everything changed with her departure. The house was quieter, it felt colder. Everywhere we looked, there would be traces of her left behind. In the kitchen, the seasonings were sorted according to flavours or sizes, it used to be all messed up. The front door area was now in a mess, our shoes were no longer lined up side by side in pairs. The balcony was no longer cosy and warm. I no longer had someone to talk too. I lifted my right hand and placed it on my forehead as tears continued to fall silently.

2 years, I thought it was enough to get over her.

It wasn't.

She appeared in my dreams every day. Everywhere I turned too, I would see her image or hear her voice. She was everywhere, but then she was not.

I felt like I was losing my mind.

I was going crazy because of her. She was always on my mind. I didn't tell the others about it. I felt bad, especially when I'm out on a date with Xue. I tried to distract myself by focusing my attention on Xue. I thought it would work.

It only make it worse.

I see her face on Xue, the way she smiled, everything. It got so bad at one time that I called out her name instead of Xue’s. She didn’t hear it, she was too focused looking at clothes to hear me.

I considered going to see the doctor, I was hallucinating. I was torn in making a decision. If I really did go and see the doctor, I would have gotten better but that would mean that I wouldn’t be able to see or hear her. I didn’t want to lose that, I chose to bear with it. I took it as a payment for forgetting her, my retribution.

I knew the others were worried, about me and Lay. I didn't want to burden them with it, this is my problem after all. So I put on a tough front, I hid all my emotions inside away from public view. I wore a mask, the one she said that she was jealous off. I laid in the dark, my curtains were drawn in the middle of the day. It was a beautiful day, but I didn't deserve to see it. What good is it when you don't have anyone to share the view with?

"Rin, are you happy?" I whispered into the darkness. My heart felt heavy. "Are you happy there?" I was coming to terms with my lost. Lay still thinks that she is alive, he said it's the siblings bond. The past 2 years, I've been searching, but there wasn't anything. I couldn't find her. The only thing I could do now was to accept the reality that she was gone.

"I'm sorry."

Ding dong. The doorbell rang and I groan. The time that I dreaded the most had come. With my eyes closed, I heard chattering coming from downstairs. I counted down.

5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

My room door burst open without a knock and I sighed silently. It has begun.

"Kris! What are you still doing in bed?" her sharp high pitched voice shot through my ears. "We have an appointment in 1 hours’ time!" she jumped into my bed and snuggled towards me. I didn't move.

"Did you miss me?" she asked as she hugged me, her arm was across my chest. I remained silent. "Kris?" I felt her head lift off the bed, she rested on my chest and drew circles on my chest. "You didn't answer my question. Are you ignoring me?"

"You are heavy."

"What?" her arm suddenly left and the bed shifted due to sudden movements. "Ge, how can you say that? Are you calling me fat?"

"Just get of my bed."

"We are going to get married in a month’s time! Your bed is my bed."

"That’s next month. Right now, we are not married yet. My bed is still my bed." I said harshly. There was silence before I heard some movement. Then the curtains were opened.

"Close the curtains!" I shouted. All I wanted was to be alone. Why can't she get it?

"No. We are going shopping for the wedding later. You need to get dressed now.”  I opened my eyes and stared at my white ceiling. It looked much higher compared to other days.

"Quickly!!" she grabbed my arm and pulled me up. Of course me being much heavier than her, she couldn't pull me up. Annoyed, I pulled my arm away from her and sat up. I didn't even look at her in the face. I got up and went to my cupboard and threw a t shirt over my head.

"Can you wear something nicer?" I turn and looked at her, she was wearing a fitting mini dress. I had on a t-shirt and jeans.

"I want to wear this."

"But we don't match!" she cried out desperately. "You don't look nice like that, wear something more high class." I slammed my cupboard door close, earning a yelp from her.

"Do not tell me what to do. You are not my mother." I hissed and walked out of my room. I made my way downstairs and flopped onto the couch. I let out a loud sigh and stared at the TV.

"Hyung," Chen moved closer. "Are you sure you want to go ahead with it?" I stared at the TV, they were showing Running Man. It brought back memories of Rin, the times we sat in the balcony watching shows and dramas.

"Hyung." I turned to him. "I don't want you to regret it later. You still can back out now."

Should I back out? I thought. He was right, I still had time. I didn't have to do this if I didn't want to right? The past 2 years was tough, I tried my best to accommodate to her needs, but it got harder and harder until I couldn't take it anymore. I felt suffocated, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do the things I wanted to do anymore. She controlled me, making me do the things she wants and likes to do. She didn't give me space.

I really wanted to let go and do things my way. I didn't need her or any other people. I didn't want to go through this stupid wedding. I don't have to see her face anymore. I was determined to do that. But. She face would appear in my head, the one of her touching my cheek, her last words.

 

“Take care of her, make sure that she feels like a princess. Make her smile all the time okay? Stay by her side and don’t let anything happen to her.” her words echoed in my head.

"Make her happy."

 

How could I go ahead with what I want when she asked me to make Xue happy? Her last words weren't about herself at all, it was about others, and she never did thought of herself. How could I ignore her last words? I couldn't decide what I should do.

Should I follow my heart or follow my mind? 

"Whatever your decision is, just remember that you are doing it for yourself, not others. You will be entering a new phase of life before all of us, I-no we want you to be happy. That's all that matters. We are here for you, that's what friends are for." he placed his hand on my shoulder. "You have to let go and forgive yourself. I'm very sure she doesn't want you or Lay hyung to be like this." he said softly and we sat in silence. We all missed her.

"Let's go!" the voice perceived through the dead silence. She pulled me up and dragged me to the door. "This is going to be so fun!"

We walked down the streets and it wasn't that crowded yet. She dragged me from shop to shop, looking at things from flowers to deserts. I was tired from smelling, tasting, seeing and walking. The thing is, we have yet to settle the whole wedding, and we were just wandering around the whole afternoon. I don't even know why we were doing this when we had wedding planners planning the wedding for us.

"How about this flavour?" Xue held out a spoon with a piece of cake.

"Just leave it to the wedding planners. It's their job." she frowned.

"Kris this is our wedding. I want everything to be perfect! And the wedding planners can't help choose the wedding cake." she raised her voice a bit and the people around turned to us.

"Whatever." I couldn't be bothered. She was about to say something else but the baker intervened asking her to try their latest flavour, Red velvet chocolate cake. She immediately forgot about me and continued tasting cakes. I sighed inaudibly and looked out to the streets. I wasn’t in the mood to do any cake tasting.

I watched as people walked past the shop, it was in the evening and many were getting off from work, the whole area became crowded in just minutes. Couples, office workers, students, they all walked pass the shop. I wanted to go home, I felt that this ‘trip’ out was pointless. I scan through the sea of people and let out another sigh. I was about to look away when someone walked passed, catching my attention. Blinking, I sat up immediately a bit too fast, my chair jerked backwards making it screech. Everyone turned towards me, I couldn’t be bothered by it. My eyes followed her as she walked to the traffic light, my heart beat faster.

I jumped up and immediately ran out of the shop, Xue called after me but all I could focus now was that female. My head was flooded with thoughts and my heart raced. I pushed through the crowd in hopes of getting closer to her but there were too many people between us. Her head was down, I couldn’t see her face. I was desperate, I wanted to see her face.

The light changed to green and everyone moved forward, she didn’t move so did I. Everything felt like slow motion to me, even among the crowd of people, she stood out. She was casually dressed in jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt, her brown hair covered her face. I took a step forward, my feet was heavy. Then, she looked up, her hair fell to the side, showing her face slightly. My breath hitched and my heart was in my throat. My emotions was now on the run, tears began to well up as I took small steps forward.

“It can’t be.” I whispered. She took a step forward and crossed the road. The wind blew and her hair flew backwards. I ran forward but the light turned red, I couldn’t cross. I couldn’t get to her.

“Noona!” she turned to the voice and I saw a high school boy running up to her with a smile. He gave her a hug and she just stood still.

They looked too similar, too similar for comfort. I couldn’t let her walk away like that. I couldn’t let her go again. She was always by my side but I was too blind, too stupid to notice that. Tears flowed down my face as I frantically pressed the button.

“Rin.” I breathe out and as if she heard me, she turned and we looked at each other. My heart clenched and I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt so tight, it was like someone was trying to squeezing my lungs dry. My legs felt weak as I looked back at her, her face, she looked the same. She didn’t turn away and just stared ahead, she didn’t smile.

The boy patted her shoulder, she didn’t respond. Did she remember me? I couldn’t help but think of that. He called out to her and she turned. He smiled and held her hand before walking off.

‘NO!’

I took a step onto the road, not caring if there were any cars driving by, I wanted to go to her. Before I could take another step, I was pulled back.

“Are you crazy? What are you thinking?” I pulled away and walked forward. She was getting further away. “Ge! Stop it!” I turned to her and looked at her in the face.

“GO AWAY!” I yelled and the light turned green, I ran as if my life was at stake. I ran down the street they took and looked around. I frantically searched the area, she couldn’t have gone far. I wiped my tears away but more came. I was a wreck, I thought I could control my emotions by now, but I couldn’t. People were staring at me probably thinking, ‘What is this tall guy crying in the middle of the street?’  Just then I caught a glimpse of her hair flowing in the wind, I ran forward to an apartment building. That was as far as I could get. She disappeared.

She was right in front of me.

I grabbed my chest as I slumped against the wall. It hurts so badly, it was painful. I slid down the wall and collapsed onto the ground.

I cried.

For the first time in a while, I cried out loud. I ran my hand through my hair, grabbing it at the same time. Was I hallucinating? Was I just seeing her in someone else’s body?

I was breaking apart. Mentally and physically.

The wall that I built up over the past 2 years came crumbling down like that. I thought I could forget her. I thought I was almost over her and I could focus on the wedding. I thought I could put it behind me and did what she asked me to do, live happily. I really thought I could do that. I was wrong, so very wrong.

I couldn’t forget her. I couldn’t and I’ll never will. No matter how many years’ passes by, I would never forget about her not when all the memories came back to me. All those times we were together, those memories, they will always be with me. She will always remain in my heart and mind. Her voice, her face, her touch, everything, it’s all so fresh in my head. All this time I tried to psycho myself that I was forgetting her but it was all the opposite. I was yearning for her. I yearned for her more, more than ever. Yearning for the one I made a promise too. The one who helped me break the curse. The one whom I made a pomise too.

Han Se Rin.

No, Zhang Yi Ning.

“Where are you?” I whispered in to the quiet stillness.

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His POV~