*Kris's inner thoughts unveiled.

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Rin POV:

The murmurs got louder and louder and I opened my eyes slightly. As my eyes adjusted to the brightness, I noticed that there was curtains around the bed. The curtain was pushed open revealing Soryong oppa.

“You’re awake.” He came and sat beside me as I placed my arm on my forehead. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know.” I closed my eyes. “I really don’t know.”

“What’s wrong?” oppa could always tell if I am having a hard time. I kept quiet for a while and breathe out. Tears started forming under my eyelids.

“I remember.” I croaked. “Everything.” there was silence.

“When?”

“Yesterday night. And I know that it’s you who rescued me.” I opened my eyes and faced him. “Thank you.”

“I was just doing what a brother should do. And besides, I am the fastest out of the 2 of us.” I reached out to touch his arm, I knew there were burn marks on his arm and shoulders. I had them too down my back and arms.

“I don’t know what to do.” I sat up. “He knows about me doesn’t he?”

“He found out a few days ago, he wasn’t sure but he confirmed it with your birthmark.” Oppa looked at me. “He wasn’t supposed to find out about you.”

“It’s hard. I don’t know what I should do now. He is making me so confuse.” My tears flowed down and oppa reached out and held my hand. “He made me fall for him again even when I don’t remember anything.”

“Rin, sometimes you have to go with the flow. If it’s your fate, you have to accept it. Why don’t you give him a chance?” I looked at oppa. “You know, you have been happier around him, you even smiled at home. Both I and Daeryong saw it, it’s been so long since we last saw you smiling. I know you are starting to feel because of Chanwoo but I think he helped too and he clearly loves you a lot.” He paused before continuing.

“We had a talk the other day, he really wants to be with you, he cried and begged us to let him stay. He told us that he was dying inside when he remembered who you were when you got shot through the chest. He regretted that moment the most and blamed himself. He broke down in front of us. We said that only you could make the decision and told him that you couldn’t remember. He was so determined to make you remember him but looks like he doesn’t need to do anything now that you have remembered. The past memories of him are painful but you have to put them aside and look forward, give him a chance.”

“Oppa, it’s not that simple.” I wiped my tears away. “Even if I try to put them away, I can’t accept him. Our fate has already ended, no, it was never us to begin with.”

“Se Rin, you won’t know if you don’t try. You don’t know how worried he was just now, he called out to the doctors like a crazy man and wouldn’t leave you even if it was just for a minute. He kept calling your name over and over, he was really scared to lose you again. We had to literally pull him away and ask him to comfort Chanwoo. He cried for you. Don’t you think it’s worth a try? Yes, he may have treated you badly in the past but the him right now only looks for you only. He cares for you. To tell you the truth, we didn’t like that fact he was staying with you, we couldn’t accept him being in your life again. But, he seems really sincere about it and you seem to be reacting to him as well, we just want you to be happy that’s all that matters.” oppa reached out to wipe my tears.

“I’m not forcing you to make a choice but I’m asking you to think about it, whatever your decision is, we will support you always.”

“I already did but he is making it so hard for me.” I turned to oppa. “I’m letting him go.” A tear slipped down my cheek as I thought about losing him yet again, I said that I will let him go but am I willing to let go? “It’s for the best.” I whispered. He has a life ahead of him, he is going to be a husband, a son-in-law and maybe a father in the future. I don’t want to be the other person that will spoil that.

“You can still change your mind and tell him that you remember. He wants to make you remember him.”

“I won’t acknowledge him, I can’t. I’ll pretend that I still can’t remember until he leaves the day after tomorrow.”

“Are you sure?” he looked at me, his eyes were filled with worry. I let out a shaky breathe before nodding.

“I’m sure. I have to let him go.”

“Why? Why Rin? I don’t understand.”

“He’s getting married. I don’t want to come between that.” I sniffed and wiped my eyes quickly. “I’ll be fine. Thank you oppa, for always being with me.” 

Then the curtains opened and he stood there wide eye with Chanwoo in his arms.

“Eomma!” he shouted and squirmed in Kris’s arms. His eyes were red and he looked pale. He placed Chanwoo on the ground without looking away from me. I lifted Chanwoo onto my bed and hugged him.

“Sorry.” I whispered and hugged him tightly.

“I’ll get the doctor.” Kris said quietly before turning around. I watched him walk away. His back view looked so sad, his shoulders were slumped and he walked on lifelessly.

“Just give him a chance.” Oppa said. I shook my head. I knew that I couldn’t do that. If I did, more people will be implicated inside and they will be hurt. I hugged my son and told myself that I could do it. The doctor came and checked my vitals, all was normal. He smiled when he saw me with Chanwoo.

“You got a lovely son there, I believe this is the first time you are here with him.”

“Yes.” He was my attending doctor during my time in the hospital, he was really nice. “Chanwoo say hello.”

“Hello, my name is Chanwoo.” The doctor pinched his cheeks lightly with a big smile on his face before looking at me.

“Since you are here, do you want to do the check up?” I nodded. He asked for my chart and began to do the routine. “Okay, next your eyes.” he took out a touch light from his pocket.

“Eyes?” Kris looked at me and I held his gaze for a while before turning to the doctor. He shone the light past my eyes.

“Can you follow the light?” I did as he said but once he moved to the right side, I stopped. “One more time.” this time he did it slowly and I followed the light, until it reached my right eye. Slowly, I something appeared, a light. It was really faint and dim but it was there and it disappeared.

“Could you do it again?” I want to know if I was dreaming. He nodded and did it again and I followed the light again. When it reached the right eye, the faint yellow dot was there.

“Can you see anything?” he asked.

“A yellow dot, it’s very dim.” I whispered. This was the first time since I could see anything, even though it’s just a faint yellow dot, it was something.

“Really?” Soryong held my hand. “Can you really see something?”

“I think so, it’s very faint.” The doctor wrote something down.

“I’ll have you come back in another 2 days to see an optometrist.” He smiled. “Things related to the eyes are not my specialty but it may be a temporary loss of vision. You can be discharged as soon as the IV drip finishes oh and do take note of the frequencies of the attack, if it’s too often come back and we will do another check. Overall, there seems to be an improvement. You have come a long way.” He patted my shoulder before leaving.

A temporary loss.

“Did you hear that?” Soryong hugged me. “You may be able to see again!”

“I must be dreaming.”

“You’re not!” he looked at me. “This is a miracle. Wait till Daeryong and the rest hear this.” He smiled. Before I know it, tears spilled. They were tears of relief, though he said it might not be accurate still it’s good news for me. I thought I had to live with vision in one eye for the rest of my life but this is a miracle. I wiped my tears away, before smiling. I shouldn’t get my hopes too high, it’s just a speculation. But it made me happy.

“I’ll get you discharged. Wait here for me.” he walked out. I looked eyes with Kris, he had tears in his eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly.

“I’m fine. It happens once in a while.”

“Are you sure?” I nodded. He let out a sigh and his legs gave way. He slid down the wall and sat on the floor, burying his face in his hands. He must have been so worried.

“Hey,” I called out and he looked up. “Come here and sit. Don’t sit on the floor, it’s cold.” He stood up and walked to the chair next to my bed. I couldn’t help but watch him, I felt bad that he had to see me go through that ordeal. My heart ached seeing him like this and knowing that it was because of me didn’t make it any better.

“You should get your hand checked.” He looked at his hand.

“It’s fine.” I looked at his side view and admired how handsome he is. It reminded me of the time I was in the balcony with him.

“Sorry and thank you.” he looked at me. “I’m sorry that you had to see me like this. I also want to thank you for helping me.”

“I-I didn’t know about your eye.” he voice trailed off.

“I didn’t tell you about it. I didn’t want people to know and treat me like some disabled person.” he looked away and I caught sight of his tears. I reached out and touched his arm.

“Hey, don’t cry. It’s not your fault.”

“It is. If only I remembered earlier, this wouldn’t have happen. You wouldn’t become like this.” I knew what he was referring too. It wasn’t his fault, it was my fate or our fate. I wanted to help and got myself into this mess, it was my fault as well. But if I didn’t do it, he wouldn’t be here next to me. I wanted to tell him that but remembering my decision, I bit unto my tongue and held back.

“What do you mean?” he sniffed, my hand was still on his arm. “You know me?” he turn to me.

“I know about you. But you don’t remember me.” he took a deep breath. “You were my very first female friend, you accepted me for who I am. Being with you made me feel comfortable and I could talk to you about anything. You made me feel.” He looked into my eyes.

“But then things started to change, I changed and treated you differently. I met a girl and I got confused. I had this urge to take care of her and I took that feeling and thought it was love. I confessed to her with your help and she became my girlfriend. That’s when everything went downhill. I saw you with my friends, and I got jealous at how close they were to you and why you wouldn’t be like that to me. I wanted to talk to you about things but I couldn’t, I didn’t have the courage. Before I knew it, you stopped smiling. You didn’t show any emotions, you became like me. Then you left and she got kidnapped, I begged you to help you said it will be the last time and that you didn’t want anything to do with me. I felt so conflicted inside. It was like I was being stabbed. I didn’t want to lose a friend, I didn’t want to lose you.”

My hand dropped from his arm and I just stared past him at the wall behind him. I held in my tears, he was telling me how he felt, his thoughts. I clenched my fist under the blanket to stop myself from crying.

“I had no choice but to agree even though my heart said no. You found the location really fast and it made me think of how much I didn’t know you. You were leaving but I held you back, I didn’t want you to leave. I made you follow me and on the end instead of me rescuing her, you rescued us at the cost of your own.” more tears flowed down his eyes and Chanwoo crawled over unto his lap and wiped his tears away.

“When I heard the gunshots from the outside, my heart hurt a lot. I was scared and worried that that was it, I wasn’t going to see you anymore. But then you came out all injured, I thought there was hope. I started crying when I heard my name, you were calling me and I remembered everything then. I remembered who you were and our past. I walked forward then you got shot in the chest, right where your heart is. I watched you fall and someone caught you. Everything was slow motion for me, it didn’t feel like minutes it felt like hours. The warehouse exploded so after you came out and you disappeared into the flames leaving no trace. Having to remember who you are as you died before me was hell, it hurt so much that I wanted to die along with you. We searched but your body wasn’t found, they all said that you were gone but only your brother was convinced that you were alive. The past 2 years was horrible, you hunted me in my dreams, and I could hear your voice every day! I could only think of you, you occupied my whole head. Then you appeared again.”

I stared into his eye, they were full of emotions. I now know how he felt, those times working in their house and things he wanted to tell me.

“I thought I was going crazy. But you were alive, I couldn’t let you walk away like that. I didn’t mean to budge into your life like this but I couldn’t let go of you. When your brothers appeared, I was convinced that you were the same person, I beg them to let me stay. That’s when I found out that you lost your memories, I wanted you to remember me. But I don’t know how I can make you remember me, we didn’t spend a lot of time together or anything. So I thought that making new memories would be better. I really don’t know what to do.” he sighed.

“Appa, don’t cry.” he wrapped his arms around Chanwoo for comfort.

“Is that why you approached me?”

“I couldn’t forget you.” he reached out and touched my cheeks. I felt him swipe his thumb across, I was crying.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t remember. What you just said, I don’t remember anything.” I lied.

“I know.” he dropped his hand unto mine and held it gently. “The past few days staying with you was really the best days of my life. I wish I could stay with you longer.”

“You have a wedding.” I reminded him.

“I wish I didn’t have one. I don’t even have a say in it.” many thought ran through my head, shouldn’t he be happy? He loved Xue, but now he is telling me that he hasn’t forgotten about me. So he remembered about me but what’s next?

“You can be discharged now.”Soryong oppa came in and stopped halfway. “Was I interrupting something?”

“No. I’ll be waiting outside.” He carried Chanwoo out.

“What was that?” I looked at oppa. I wasn’t feeling so good, not physically but emotionally. I am confused, I could tell how he feels about me but then why is he getting married? A soon to be married man shouldn’t be wearing that face. It’s like he is being forced into it.

“I’m not sure.”

We went home and oppa made sure that I ate something before leaving. He made an awesome spread for dinner and it was delicious. After he left, the house was quiet and I brought Chanwoo to brush up. The three of us stood inside the bathroom while brushing out teeth, looked like a family portrait. The people were right, we looked like a family, a good looking family. I would casually glance at him through the mirror when he wasn’t looking and thought about what he said. He must have gone through a hard time, if he was suffering like this, what kind of pain did Lay go through? I couldn’t imagine it. He didn’t mention anything else after spilling his feelings at the hospital, I didn’t know what to say as well. Chanwoo insisted on sleeping with him and I let him have his way since Kris wouldn’t be around soon.

Sitting on my bed, I tried to come up with reasons as to why he had that expression. He said that he is being forced into marriage, how is that possible? Doesn’t he love Xue? Everything was confusing. It’s like he is saying I love you but I’m getting married to someone else.

I couldn’t sleep so I went out to the living room and sat in front of the huge window we have. I stared at the moon and thought of the times I sat in their balcony because I couldn’t sleep. That time I couldn’t sleep because of nightmares but this time it’s because of him.

“Can’t sleep?” his voice interrupted the silence and I turn around to see him standing by the kitchen.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want hot chocolate? You used to drink it all the time.” he remembered. I nodded and he went into the kitchen. I smiled slightly as he made the drinks, he knew where I placed everything. He was careful not to make any loud noise.

“Here.” he held the cup of hot chocolate in front of me and I took it with both hands, it brought warmth to my cold hands. He sat next to me as I took a sip, it tasted just like how I always made it. I did lots of trial and error in order to get this taste, he must have done the same. “Is it okay?”

“It’s good.” I smiled a little. We sat there and stared into the night sky. It was like we went back in time to the balcony where we would meet.

“Tomorrow,” he spoke. “Tomorrow is the last day.” I nodded.  “I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with you.” I placed my cup on the floor before turning to him.

“Why?”

“Because being with you makes me whole, it makes me happy.”

“But you are getting married.” I whispered.

“I don’t want to. I never wanted too, not yet. I didn’t even propose.” He let out a sad chuckle. “It was planned without me knowing. The engagement, everything.”

“Don’t you get to say something? I mean you are the male lead.”

“I tried. They didn’t listen. The parents, they are the ones rushing it. My friends tried to help but it’s no use, I gave up along the way. Her parents didn’t listen at all.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I don’t want to do something I will regret for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be tied down by someone whom I don’t love.”

“Don’t love her?”

“I love her as a sister, even if she is an annoying one. It took me a while to find out about my true feelings. Her sudden change was what got me to notice her more and got me intrigued. I didn’t have experience in this area and mistook that for love. She is more of a sister to me now.”

“Then you shouldn’t have dragged her along. In the end, she is not the only one going to be hurt, everyone one around you will including yourself will be affected. If you didn’t like her, you should have told her and end the relationship before anything else happens.” He didn’t say anything and there was silence. “I’m sorry, it’s not my problem and I-“

“No, it’s okay. You are right.” He ran his free hand through his hair. “The reason I stayed with her was because of your last words. Back then I was ‘in love’ with her and you told me to make her happy. You wanted me to be happy and to make her happy. I followed your words, at first it was okay but once I realised that my feelings towards her weren’t love, it was hard. Really hard. But still, I wanted to keep my promise with you.”

I sat there in silence as I processed what he said. He answered my question as to why he was still with Xue even if he didn’t like her. He was keeping his promise to me. I thought back, I did tell him to make her happy, but what I didn’t know was how much my words could affect him. He kept his word and stayed on even if he didn’t love her. It was because of me that he is like this. I couldn’t help but feel guilty.

“I’m a jerk and probably the worst friend you had.”

No, you aren’t. I wanted to tell him.

“Everyone makes mistakes. You just have to learn from it and not make the same one again.” I smiled slightly. “Besides you were trying to keep a promise. But sometimes, promises are meant to be broken. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

“Thank you.”  I looked down. I told myself to stay away from him and let him go but here I am doing the opposite. I’m sort of encouraging him to stay. Me and my messed up fate, I can’t go against it.

“Rin?” He stared at me with serious looking eyes. “I’m going to ask you a question. I hope you can answer me truthfully.”

“Do you want me to stay?” I blinked at him. “Do you have any feelings for me, anything even if it’s just a little?”

I didn’t say anything and just stared back at him as I wrapped my arms around my knees for warmth. I thought of what to say, and breathe in steadily unlike my racing heart.

“What do you want to hear?”

 

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Hihi!

The reason why Kris stayed with Xue is revealed! Rin has a lot of internal conflict with herself, it's not because she doesn't want to be with him but because she has too many experience (I'm refering to her past lives) of losing him or not being able to be with him in the end. In short, I guess you can say that she is scared and therefore she keeps pushing him away. 

Hopefully this chapter will answer some of your questions as to why Kris is still with Xue. Don't be too hard on him, he went through a hard time as well. 

Enjoy, subscribe and comment:)

7/1/15