Shane (10) and Sam (8)

My body froze. I stared at Eric without even bothering to blink.

"You what?" I asked in a shaky voice.

"I was the reason your brother died," he replied in a placid voice and I saw his calm facade crumble down.

"How," was the only word I managed to croak.

Eric looked down as if stifling a cry then softly he started his story.

"It was a gloomy Friday afternoon, the day of your first race. I was supposed to meet my girlfriend, Anna. You remember her?" I nodded.

Anna is Eric's childhood playmate. She's two years older than him and he has a crush on her since kindergarten. It was only when he started middle school that Eric plucked the courage to ask her out. He loves her so much that I haven't seen a guy loved a girl the way he did. She's his life.

"That day, I was planning an event for her. It was her birthday and I was going to surprise her at her apartment. But when I arrived at her place, what I saw was beyond my imagination. She was with another guy. But as if what I've seen was not enough proof that she's cheating on me, I asked her straightforwardly, only to find out that the guy she was with is her fiancé and that they are getting married the next month." He stopped and sighed heavily as if recounting the memory has cut him physically. Truth is painful memories really do.

I stayed silent and waited for him to gain his voice back. "I was devastated. The moment she turned her back at me, I broke into pieces. I wanted to forget, to heal, to relieve myself from the pain so I went to the local pub in town and got wasted. I couldn't remember clearly becuase I was so drunk but there's one thing I'm sure of, I called your brother. I didn't know how many minutes or hours have passed because the next thing I know was Shane dragging me out of the place. I recall thrashing out and making a scene. I must have hit the nerves of some patrons inside because I remember being thrown out of the place with Shane. Huge framed guys towered us and kept throwing punches. I saw Shane fighting it off with another guy but I was too wasted to help him. I tried when I gained a bit of consciousness but thinking about it now, I wish I didn't." Eric looked down at his trembling hands and I saw fat drops of tears fell.

His voice is shivering but he still continued. "I was charging to a huge in front of me with a broken bottle in my hand when I heard a gun fire. I looked back just in time to see Shane threw his body on me. He hang on to me for a short while, then his body dropped on the floor with blood pooling around his head."

"You're lying," I said, not believing his words.

"It's the truth, Sam. Why would I lie about this?"

"I don't know. To make me feel a bit better? I'm sure he died becuase of the car wreck near the racing venue. I heard it over the phone."

"Yes, there was a car wreck and he was there but he helped the people who were hurt. He probably thought you already hang up that's why he wasn't able to talk back at you. What I told you is the whole truth. You can go check his hospital record. He died because of a gun shot not from a car accident."

"No." I was having a mental breakdown. One moment I was blaming myself and the next I discover that my best friend was the reason Shane died. I bursted into tears for the nth time.

"Sam, I'm so sorry. Hate me all your life, don't even think of forgiving me. What I did was beyond forgiving." Eric was also crying but I couldn't care less. The image of my brother soaked in blood kept flashing in my mind and bile rose to my throat.

"Samantha—" He started walking towards me.

"Stop right there. Get out, Eric. I don't want to see your face. Before I forget the good things you have done for me and before sanity leaves me, get out!" I pointed to the door.

He wiped his tears with the bavk of his hand and pathetically walked to the doors with heavy steps. But before he left, he put a clean hanky on the side table near the couch I was leaning. I looked down at the handkerchief and realized it was the hanky I bought for the two of us. It has our intials on and it held the promise that we would always be each other's handkerchief, wiping away each other's tears. But today is an exception.

***

The whole day passed with me just sitting on the couch gawking at nowhere. My tears have dried up and there's nothing more to squeeze from my eyes. Someone (Belle, I presume because there's no way it would be Eric) kept knocking at my door more than ten timed but I'm too tired to face another human being. I've got 30 missed calls from Belle and texts which were telling me to eat and asking if I'm okay.

The night came but I barely slept. I was tossing and turning around. Even though my memories came back, I still felt like there's something missing. I need to go home.

I jumped out of bed and packed my belongings. It's past midnight but I didn't care. I wore my best disguise hoping no one would notice me. I went to the airport and luckily, there was a 3 am flight to Paris. 

I landed in Paris six in the morning. I hurriedly hailed a cab so that I won't catch any attention. The last thing I needed is seeing my face on the headlines.

The house I have been living for years suddently felt strange. Maybe because somehow in my memory I'm expecting to see Shane the moment I enter our Victorian doors.

A plump middle aged woman greeted me as soon as I walked in.

"You must be Sam. Come, come inside. Your parents are waiting for you in the study hall," she said in a heavy Italian accent.

"Grazie," I thanked her and offered a smile though I know it wouldn't appear genuine. She returned the smile then took my luggage from my hand and left me on my own.

I wandered around the house with my heart aching. The house is full of memories of me and my brother. How come I wasn't able to recover my lost memories wiith all of the corners of the house speak loudly of me and my brother? I must have really buried them deep and it's funny how Kris managed to dug those memories.

The first thing I noticed when I reached the study hall is how my parents are sitting silently with unrradable faces. I cleared my throat before entering and bothe looked. It's obvious that they're expecting me. Eric must have told them.

Mom ran to me and hugged me like there's no tomorrow. "I am sorry we kept it from you sweetheart," she uttered between sobs. Dad walked towards us and enveloped us into a tight hug without saying anything. His eyes were also wet with tears. It must have been painful for them too. Pretending to be a happy family right after Shane's death to protect me from the painful truth that I soon discovered.

After my dramatic entrance, Mom offered to talk but I told her that I'm tired and I wanted to sleep. So she told me to go to my room and take a rest. But instead of going to my room, I went to Shane's which I thought was a stock room for the past six years.

His room was kept as it is. I presume Mom doesn't want to lose a memory of Shane. I spent the whole day looking at our pictures and treasurin