You dropped the package onto the floor. You stared at it blankly. From Tabi? How could it be? How come? How could he? What does it mean? Is this a joke? Who is kidding with you? All these thoughts went through your head. You had no courage to open the package. You were not sure if you could accept what you saw. You had just started coming to terms with his passing on, and how he sends you a package? What kind of a sick joke is this?

You in a deep breath before picking the package up. You sat on the counter top, with the package on your lap. You touched the handwriting on the brown wrapper. It belongs to him, no doubt. You always laughed at how lazy his handwriting looks. You tore open the wrapper with care, revealing a brown box inside. You opened it, there were many things inside; stacks of vouchers, another package, a thick scrap book and some of his belongings. You took it out one by one and placed it all over you. At the bottom of the box, there were two letters; For Donut and For Big Bang. Your bite your bottom lips.

“No crying.” You told yourself.

You went through the stuff inside the box. The vouchers are for places like your favourite book stores, Ben and Jerry’s, Baskin Robbins, Starbucks and some other places you always frequent. They were in thick books, every piece is worth 50,000 won. You stack all of them up together and it formed a pile.

“What the hell..?” You mumbled to yourself.

You took the scrap book. You opened it, smiling at you was the first picture you and him took together, at that time when you two were still quite awkward with each other. You basically forced him into taking that photo. You were unsure if it was allowed, but you took the dare anyway, and he agreed, more than happy to do it.

As you flip through the pages, it took you back to your first few dates with him. Apart from photos, there were also writings from him. Some were just short sentences while some were as long as a journal entry. You felt as thou you were on a trip down the memory lane. You couldn’t help but cry. Never in your dreams have you thought he would remember everything and do something like this. It was obvious this was not a last minute work. He did them throughout the years, without fail.

During the three years he was in a coma, there were no pictures, only writings.

I woke up, but I could not open my eyes. But baby, do you know I can hear you? For three years, I heard you, every single word you said, I remember them clearly...

---

I’m glad you agreed to go out with the boys. I was lonely thou, but happy that you had fun. Still, it was more fun with me around, right? XP

---

Baby girl, you have to stop skipping school.. I can’t help you pretend to be your dad, not now in this state. You cannot possibly get the boys to do it right? Whose dad’s voice changes on a daily basis?

You smiled, you always asked him to pretend be your dad when the school called. Because of his deep husky voice, you always succeeded. You would smile like a kid but he would glare at you. 

You flipped pass through those writings, surprised that he actually heard you. No wonder his heart beat fluctuated at times. Then you arrived at the page where he woke up. It was your last week together with him.

You look through the photos slowly. Some shots he took of you that you did even knew existed. In the past you would have strangled him for those unglamorous shots, but now, you felt warm inside. You flip to the last page, there was a photo of him kissing your cheek when you were asleep, the caption below wrote ‘My love, I made the decision. I don’t know if it is the right one, but I am pretty sure I’ll miss you a lot. Let me take away the misery as I go, live your life anew. I love you.. ♥’

You shut the scrap book and hugged it close to your chest.

“Thank you.. Thank you so much...”

You wipe your tears and looked through the other belongings; his watch, his specs, his rings, the notebook he always carries around, filled with lyrics, his blue bracelet. You took it and put it on your wrist.

You took the other package, it was quite heavy. You poured out the contents, inside was three bank books, five credit cards and a key. You look through the credit cards, they were all under your name. You opened the bank books and gasped at the amount of money inside. One of it was under your name, another was under his and the last one was a joint account under both you and his names. You never opened a joint account with him, how did he even do it himself? And what is with all that money?

You look at the key. It was the key to the bicycles. There was a small piece of paper hanging on it; Wardrobe, third door, 230705. 23July 2005? That was the day he asked you to be his girlfriend...

You went to his wardrobe, you could still smell his cologne. You walked to the third door and opened it. There was a safe box inside. You keyed in the numbers and it opened. Inside was a stack of documents, a pair of keys and a car key. You took them all out and looked through it. The documents were house deed for his villa, copyright contracts for his songs and some other stuff that belonged to him. They were all switched to be under your name.

You dropped the documents, not knowing how to react. Basically, he took care of your entire life. Making sure you had a roof over your head and income to keep you alive. When did he prepare all these? How did he know? You remembered the letter that was for you, you took it out from your pocket and read it.

Annyeong! Donut,

When did I prepare all these? Did I know beforehand? Why didn’t I tell you? How could I do this to you? What a bastard, Choi Seung Hyun. All these things must be going through your head now, right? See, I know you so well. Don’t curse me, you’re not allowed to speak ill of the dead. Haha.. I will answer your questions one by one, okay?

When did I prepare all these? I was planning to do it long ago. I thought, when we got married, I will give everything of mine to you. Was I afraid that you would run off with all my money? No, I was more afraid that I would not earn enough to feed you. They say love is like handling a gun to the other party and trusting that they would not pull the trigger, right? Yes, I handed you the gun, and you never once pulled the trigger, no matter how angry you were, well except for punches, you threw them at me too often XD

I was certain I had to do this the day I woke up. Yes, I knew I was going to die. You may not believe this, but why would I lie about dying? I was given a choice, and I made the decision. I’m not going to tell you what choices I was given thou, just know that those were choices I could not risk myself to do because I know I would regret them for as long as I lived. That’s why I chose this path, and you know what? I regret none of it. Wasn’t I lucky enough? I had seven days to say goodbye...

I’m sorry for not telling you beforehand. How could I, I mean, seriously, how? Would you prefer me to tell you ‘Look baby, I am dying in seven days. Treasure me well..’ YES! I know you would say this, but deep down, do you, really? I for one cannot bring myself to say this to you. If I did, that one week would not be as happy.. I’m selfish, I apologize for that. But I had fun, really.. I regretted not bringing you on normal couple dates in the past. I had so many years to do it, yet I did not. I’m sorry, I’m lacking in every way possible, I know I am not good enough and never will be.

Death, they say it would be lonely and painless. But I think I’m going to feel the pain, because I will be leaving you. But I wouldn’t be lonely, because you are holding me in your arms. Your arms, those warm arms.. I feel so safe when you hug me.

When I am not around, please, take care of yourself. I can’t be there to buy you ice creams, but use those vouchers to stock up your cravings. Buy all the books you want, I have a room that is empty, remember? Go on in, it’s for you.. The car key.. The car is packed in the YG Building. I’m reluctant to let you drive to be honest. You’re so reckless.. Use it only when you need to, you can get the boys to drive you around.

I cannot be here to take care of you anymore, but please, don’t give up on life. I’ll be watching over you. Don’t try to search for my presence, you never needed to, for I am always here, in your heart.

Love,
Tabi

You finished the letter and folded them back into the envelope. You walk to the room he mentioned, it was exactly like a library, except that the shelves were empty. The entire interior gave off a very cozy feeling. It looked exactly like how you described it to him when you said you want a library at home. There was even a white grand piano at the side.

You went to the piano, carefully pressing down each key. You played on it, letting your mind take you away. You stopped when you felt someone staring at you.

“Oh.. You’re awake..”

“Hmm.. Woken up by good music..”

“Hahaha~ Sorry..”

“No.. Don’t be.. You played well, really.. What is this? I never knew Hyung had a place like this...”

“I never knew too..”

You told him about the package and handed him his letter.

“Thanks.. I’ll call the boys over..”

“Urm.. Jiyong...”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.. For all these while..”

He flashed you his signature smile before walking out.

“And thank you Tabi.. For everything..”