You woke up the next morning, you glance over at his sleeping body. You smiled and played with his long eye lashes.

“So handsome..”

You bend down to kiss his cheek, but the moment your lips touch his skin, you jumped up. You stood at the side, trembling, staring at his still body. He looks like he was in an extremely peaceful sleep, but that is if you did not touch him. His body was cold as ice and rock stiff. You stood in shock for a few minutes before climbing onto the bed, kneeling beside him. You touch his shoulders and shook them lightly, he did not respond. You called out for him, he did not respond either.

Your hands were cold and you were starting to cold sweat. You knew exactly what was going on, but you refused to believe. He looked so perfect. He looked like he was just asleep. How could he be dead? These thoughts flooded your mind while tears flood your eyes. You kept shaking him, begging him to open his eyes, but he did not even flinch.

“How could you.. How could you just leave me like this? I thought you were back... What is this? You.. stupid liar!! STUPID STUPID LIAR!!!” You punched his chest countless times, but you ended up sobbing in his chest, begging him to wake up.

“Stop playing.. It’s not funny anymore!!”

“CHOI SEUNG HYUN!!!!”

You continue yelling and bawling your eyes out. You are unsure how long have passed until you finally calmed down. You glare at his lifeless body. He looked so peaceful, which angered you more. How could he look so peaceful when he actually left you behind? You went into the bathroom and came out, holding a shiny, sliver blade in your hand.

You knelt down beside him, holding onto the blade. You remained in that position as you thought of the consequences if you slit your wrist. You also thought about how you were going to live your remaining days if you did not slit your wrist. You were never the type to suicide. Although there are times in your life you feel that you were better off dead, like now is an example, but you would never do it. You never thought that one day you would be holding a blade in your hand.

You always said it was a stupid and selfish move, but at this point of time, you finally understood what drove those people to take their own life. Hopelessness; Just like you now, you felt as thou you were brought up to sky high and then dropped to six feet under. You felt like a fool, you felt so numb you could not even feel pain at all. You shut your eyes and pressed the blade against your skin.

“I told you I was never letting you go.. I’m joining you.. They’ll understand..”

Just as you were about to slit, you faintly heard a voice; ‘No...’

“WHY NOT!? YOU LEFT ME ALL ALONE AND WHAT!? AM I EXPECTED TO BE STRONG AND LIVE LIFE AS PER NORMAL!? YOU STUPID !”

The bed room door flew open. You stared at your intruder. They stared back at you, and the lifeless body beside you.

“Noo..na...” The maknae broke the silence.

“Hyung..” He look at you, confused.

You look at him blankly. Jiyong who was quick to see the blade in your hand quickly took it away from you.

“What were you thinking of doing? WHAT!?” He scolded.

You look at him, he was angry, you could tell. You started crying again. The scene was exactly like three years ago, except this time, Seunghyun is sleeping forever.

“He is gone... He left me alone... He is gone...” You punched Jiyong in his chest while crying. He allowed you to vent your anger on him. He, as well as the other boys were as lost as you are. No one was to blame at a situation like this.

You saw Youngbae and Daesung held hands with their eyes closed and heads down, you reckon they were saying a prayer. Seungri kept shaking his Hyung, asking him to wake up, you felt like you were stabbed in the heart by ten knives seeing him like this. Jiyong on the other hand, was unnaturally calm. He stared at the wall blankly while you hit him.

***

The news of his passing spread like wildfire all over nation. Local and international fans were devastated, friends and colleagues were lost, and his family members were speechless. The doctors could not find any reason that caused his death. But then again, does it even matter anymore, how he died?

You requested to wash and make him up. The hospital was surprised at your request, they told you that it was against their policy, but you were stubborn. The Big Bang boys begged them to be flexible, and finally they did.

You wash every part of his body with care, just like he did with yours. You could not stop your tears from falling as you wash him. You remembered the conversation about his collar bone. Your finger traced his collar bone lightly once again. You could not control your emotions any longer. Since it was just you and him, you let it all out. You cursed him, scolded him and punched him, but nothing could make your heart feel better.

“How could you do this!! How could you!!! What am I supposed to do Seunghyun-ah?!”

‘Be strong.. You have to be strong.. I don’t have a choice, please understand.. If it makes you feel better, please hit me.. Do anything, just.. Don’t give up on your life.. Don’t..’

You spend five hours on him. Finally, he was done. Dressed in black tuxedo, his makeup minimum, hair neatly styled, he looked so charming. You touch his face lightly and forced a smile. You planted a long, soft kiss on his forehead as you said a silent prayer in your heart.

The time has come for him to be taken to the venue where his funeral would be held. You begged for five more minutes again, but they refused, because they have given you five minutes three times already.

“Miss, we need to go.”

“Just give me a little more time.. Please...”

Jiyong held onto you and forcefully pulled you away.

“Be good..”

His voice was soft but stern. You cried and tried to kick away from him, but he held you tighter. He gestured for the men to take Seunghyun away. You cursed and yelled at Jiyong, putting all the blame on him for no valid reason. He did not say anything, he just kept apologizing, although none of this was his fault.

Fans crowded outside the venue, crying and begging, yelling his name. Family and friends came in slowly, mostly red eyed. The media was not even in the mood to snap photos or ask any questions. That day, the country lost a talented rapper, a charismatic young man, it was a gloomy day for the entertainment industry.

Jiyong did his part as a leader. He served the people, bow to everyone, answered questions, console his friends and family. He was breaking down inside, you know it, but he stayed calm and strong, you admired his strength. He was indeed leader material. You never knew why they were at your place that day, you did have the mood to ask.

During the funeral, you did not appear at all. You hid behind the scene, looking at the crowd. Some of those you knew personally came to greet you. You thank them, but you were inconsolable, they know it. You begged his parents for forgiveness. Despite losing their son, they were still considerate for your feelings. You were thankful for that, but you could not bring yourself to face them again. The police questioned you countless times for you were the only one with him at the point of his death.

You spend the next few days sitting at a corner, staring at him. He still look so handsome, despite the fact there was no colour in him at all. You thought a lot. You finally understood what he was trying to do the moment he woke up till the night before. You finally understood his weird actions, his tears, his weird words. It all fell into pieces neatly, you could see the big picture now. He knew he was going to die.

“Why didn’t you tell me? How is this any better?” You mumbled while looking at his coffin.

‘How could I tell you I was going to die? You pabo..’

"I miss you, .... Don't go..." You started crying all over again.