Three weeks after his death and you still have not accepted it. Every day, you sit on the huge sofa in his living room, legs crossed, hoping he’ll walk through that door once again. At night, you cry yourself to sleep, hugging the pajamas he once wore, longing for his scent. The Big Bang boys took turns to come over to make sure you are still alive.

“Please tell me you have eaten..” Jiyong said as he closed the door behind him. He seemed much skinner than before, his skin was paler too. He put the bags of groceries he bought for you on the counter top. He walked to you and squat down in front of you.

“Look at you, your skin that was once so flawless, your body that was once so healthy, what happened to them? Hmm?” He push your chin up so you would be looking at him.

“Speak for yourself Jiyong.” You answered coldly.

“Yah... I know it’s hard on you, so is it for all of us. I understand how you feel, but you..” Before he could finish, a slap landed on his face.

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND KWON JIYONG! I WAS WITH HIM FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK, HE DROPPED HINTS, AT TIMES HE SAID THINGS HE SHOULDN’T HAVE! I SHOULD HAVE PICKED THEM UP INSTEAD OF BRUSHING THEM AWAY! IF ONLY I KNEW!!” You cried as you screamed at him, again.

Jiyong did not say anything, instead he fell onto the floor, with his face buried in his hands. After awhile, he look up at you, for some reason, he looked more tired than when he just came in.

“I love Hyung as much as you did. He meant the world to me. You know, I envy you. Because you could scream and cry all you want. But I can’t.. If I do that, what is going to happen to the other boys? Shall I take you to our dorm? It’s exactly like a funeral parlor! It’s an exact replica of the scene that day! NO ONE HAS ACCEPTED HIS DEATH YET! BUT WHAT CAN WE DO!? WE CAN’T PULL HIM BACK! IF I HAD THE CHANCE, I WOULD! I WOULD GIVE UP HALF OR EVEN MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR HYUNG TO COME BACK!” His face was red with anger.

You look at him, in shock. Never once in this three weeks has he raised his voice at you. No matter how much you punched and scolded him, he just endured it. But today, you are guessing it is his limit already.

“Please.... I’m begging you.. Please... Just... Come back... I cannot afford to lose another friend... My heart cannot take it.. I feel as if I am on the verge of dying... Please... I beg of you.... Don’t do this to me...” He hugged your legs as he cried.

Your guilt was eating you alive. You hated yourself for being so selfish and thinking that you were the only one affected by his death. You were too blinded to see that the boys were hurting as much as you do, but they were just pulling themselves together for the sake of you. In front of you, the great Kwon Leader is breaking down.

“Jiyong-ah... I... I am sorry.. I was too selfish... Jiyong-ah... Please... Forgive me..” You bend down to pull him closer to you. You his back softly as you cried with him.

He cried himself to sleep on your lap. You did not have the heart to wake him up. He was in a big mess, you could tell. He was so fragile now as compared to just now. You his hair lightly as you look at him sleep.

“Mianhae, Jiyong-ah~ Mianhae..” You watch him sleep, which for some reason reminded you of Seunghyun.

‘Take care of this boy on my behalf.. He may be the leader, but he needs someone to take care of him too.. Take care of yourself too.. Baby girl, my death was never your fault.’

You carefully move Jiyong away from your legs. He was in an extremely deep slumber to feel anything. You were thinking of moving him to the sofa so he could sleep better, but you did not know if you had the strength to carry him. You tried it anyway and to your surprise, he was much lighter than you thought he was.

“I guess it is you who have not been eating?” You smiled as you pushed his bangs out of his face. You went into the room and covered him with a blanket.

After that you went to take a bathroom. You look at yourself in the mirror, how terrible has your skin become. Your once healthy figure was really gone, replaced with weak frame now. You stood in front of the mirror, with your clothes stripped off. You remember an incident with Seunghyun that made you smile.

*FLASHBACK*

You were in the second year of your relationship with him. You were never insecure of your body or looks, but recently, you felt different. You see him on TV with the 2NE1 girls, you envied their perfect body. You flipped through those fashion magazines, you yearned for the fact the models look good in almost everything.

You started feeling insecure of yourself. You stopped wearing shorts when you went out, you wore jeans even on a hot day. You push him away each time he tries to get closer to you, for you were afraid he would touch your flabby stomach and not like it. You started avoiding all the food that you once would go crazy for, ice cream, chocolate and all these. You ate as little as possible, and sometimes, even nothing.

Seunghyun noticed the change in you but he did not say anything about it, until one day when he received a phone call from the hospital, saying that you have passed out on the street. He dropped everything he was doing and raced to the hospital. His heart broke into a million pieces when he saw your weak body lying on the bed with an IV drip in you.

“Baby.. How are you feeling?” He caress your cheek, so ever softly.

The look on his face made you feel guilty for what you have been trying to do to yourself. You told yourself that you would drop this stupid diet plan. But sometimes, when your mind takes control of you, it is not as simple as just saying no.

He knew he had to do something when he received another phone call the moment he landed in Korea from Japan from the same hospital telling him that you were admitted again. You were being diagnosed as having an eating disorder. You stuffed yourself with food, but when the guilt feeling gets over you, you forced them out of your throat again.

“What have you been doing to yourself?” He asked you, clearly disappointed.

You looked away, you did not want to answer him.

“LOOK AT ME!” He yelled, not caring even if the outside people could hear him.

“Jagiya, why?” He took your hand. His hands were so warm against your cold ones.

You poured out everything to him. He look at you, surprised at the fact that it was partially his fault you became like this.

“I... I am sorry... I didn’t know.. Baby, I never hated your body, you are perfect, to me, you are perfect..” He hugged you tight.

For the next few weeks, he tried his best to coax you to eat, but you just couldn’t find the appetite in you to swallow the food.

“Baby, you need to eat something.. It’s been 5 days and all you have been eating is an apple and drinking water. Look at you, the colour on your face is all gone.. You’re going to pass out again at this rate, please..” He put a spoonful of rice at your mouth.

You pushed it away but you regretted that movement instantly when you saw the hurt in his eyes.

“I.. I’m sorry~ But I don’t have the appetite to eat!” You looked away, embarrassed to face him. To be honest, you were still feeling insecure, despite his assurances to you.

He took the bowl of rice and threw it against the wall. You were so startled you could not say anything. You just look at him with fear. You have never seen him so angry before. He got up and dragged you along. He stepped on a piece of glass but he did not even flinch, instead, he kept walking on, pulling you with him.

“Tabi... Tabi stop.. Tabi you’re bleeding.. Please.. Stop..” You begged him, but his grip on your wrist only got tighter. You could only look at the trace of blood as he walked.

He pushed you into the bedroom and slam the door shut. He stared at you while you look at the pool of blood he was standing in.

“I’ll get the first aid box!” You tried to run off but he pulled you back.

“PLEASE!” You begged him to allow you to treat his wound.

“DOES THIS HURT YOU!?” He pointed at his bleeding foot.

“DOES IT!?” His eyes were full of rage.

You nodded, tears pouring out of your eyes.

“How do you feel?!” He shouted again

You did not answer, you kept on crying. The amount of blood he was losing was freaking you out.

“ANSWER ME!!” He forced you to look up at him.

“HORRIBLE!!!” You yelled back.

“Seeing you hurt your own body, I feel horrible too..” His voice was gentle this time.

You look up at him. You felt so ashamed of yourself.

He started taking off your clothes, you were confused, you tried to cover yourself but he did not let you. He left you in your underwear and pulled you to stand in front of the full length mirror.

“This part, this part, this one too, every single part of your body, I love it. When you hurt your body, I get hurt too.” He embraced you from behind and kissed your neck.

“I never hated your body. Your thighs, you find them huge? To me, they are just nice. Your belly, you find them flabby? I never liked girls who are too skinny. A little fat on the tummy area makes you look so much prettier. Flabby stomach is like mine.” He pulled up his shirt and squeeze his tummy.

You laughed a little, which made him smile.

“Somemore, these arms.. Look at them.. So slender and thin, yet strong. I love them so much as well. Your cheeks, you find them chubby? I think they are cute! And this face, you think it’s ugly, I think it’s the most beautiful face I have ever seen.. ” He pinched your cheeks.

He look at you through the mirror, “Look at this girl, so beautiful, so confident. I was so attracted the moment I saw her. She never needed to wear those skimpy skin tight clothing to make me want to eat her up, even if she was covered up in a blanket, I find her so y.” Your cheeks turn pink as he spoke.

“She never needed to pretend to be weak for me to want to protect her, I naturally wanted to do it. She never needed to do anything, just one look at me, and I feel as thou I have been electrocuted. This girl has the power to make me go head over heels for her. This girl is all I want to have for the rest of my life, and this girl, is you. I love you, I would not mind even if you put on 30kg. I love you for who you are, not what you are or how you look like..” He hugged you tighter.

“Sorry... I’m so sorry..” You turn around to face him.

“I’m not asking you to be well straight away. Just, let me be with you. We’ll go slow, but promise me you’ll try. Okay? I’ll be with you, we’ll go through this together.” He look at you softly.

You nodded, smiling.

“Thank you.. Thank you Seunghyun-ah~” You kissed his cheek. You pulled away suddenly when you remember his bleeding foot.

You push him to sit down on the bed and ran out to get the first aid box.

“YAH!! PUT ON YOUR CLOTHES!!!” He laughed as he threw your clothes to him.

He was finally feeling the pain on his foot. The glass bit was cut too deep into him that you could not do anything but take him to the hospital. He could hardly walk, so he was off work for two weeks. You took care of him at home. You felt guilty as it was your fault he got hurt.

He made sure you eat, even if it was a mouthful of rice, he felt that it was an accomplishment already. For the next few weeks, he made time to eat with you. Meals were much more delicious with him around. He felt responsible for your eating disorder, and he also felt that he was spending way too much time with his work that he was neglecting you. Secretly, he was happy that he could use this chance to make things better.

You will never forget the day when you finally felt hungry. You called him out for lunch and finished a bowl of rice in front of him. You happily put down your cutleries only to find him sobbing in front of you when you looked up. You look at him in shock, then at the table of food in which you finished almost all of them.

“Omo.. Sorry I did not mean to finish all the food.. Ahh.. Don’t cry.. I..” He pulled you into a tight embrace even before you can finish your sentence.

“No.. Even if you ask for another 300 plates of food, I’ll buy them all!”

“Then why are you crying!?”

“I’M SO HAPPY!!! IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I SEEN YOU EAT SO HEARTILY! IT’S BEEN SO LONG!!”

“Hahahaha! Silly.. Stop crying already!”

*END OF FLASHBACK*

You smiled at that piece of memory you had with him. It was so memorable. He saved your life. He always put you before himself. He cried, not for himself, but for you. You never told him, but you were extremely thankful for having him beside you.

“I’ll be strong. I’ll pull myself together. For you, I will..”

‘Thank you.. I know you’ll be strong.. I know you will..’

You took a quick shower. You felt so refreshed after it. As you were drying your hair, you heard the door bell ring. You rushed out to answer it as you did not want it to wake Jiyong up. You were relived he was still asleep.

You opened the door, it was the post man.

“Is this.. urm.. Donut?” He asked you.

"What?'

"Urm.. Donut..." The post man repeated again, he was obviously embarrassed.

Donut was one of your many nicknames given by Seunghyun because there was a period of time where you kept whining for him to buy you donuts. He decided to call you Donut then.

“Ah yea..” You answered.

“This is for you, please sign here.” You signed on the piece of paper and received the package.

“Thank you..” You close the door behind you.

You look at the package, glancing over at the sender's name. The name was Tabi.