///

You came late today.

And I could see it in your face..

The emotions..

It wasn’t calm..

‘Is something the matter?’

I wish I could ask you that.

But I only always hope for things

that won't probably happen anyway

[Winter. January 2013 ]

///

Kai clenches his teeth after exiting his boss’ office, making sure to slam the door as he closes it. He curses everything he sees as he walks down the hallway. He was just given orders to look or check the current movements of the other Mafia gang, because his boss is being paranoid again and thinks the other gang is planning something behind his back. Getting into fights is never a problem to him, except if you ask him to spy on people. He hates having to watch people; it’s one of the things he detests the most.

Why do I always have to do things I don’t even like doing.

But there’s nothing he can really do about it. Because it’s his boss’s request and he doesn’t want to get on his boss’ bad side. Even though his boss is acting like a love struck teenager right now, Kai knows that he could suddenly get back to his killer-like self. He has to be the good employee until then.

He mutters a lot more curses under his breath as he walks in the hallway, not minding the glares he receives from the customers he bumps into. Once he arrives to the changing rooms, his brows furrow as he is welcomed by the sight of Sehun looking at his reflection in the mirror while trying to fix his hair. The sight is nothing like the usual. Sehun. Fixing his hair. Trying to look good. He never does that--he’d rather settle to just his ordinary messy hair because his customers happen to like that much more.

He clears his throat as he makes his way to his closet. Sehun spins around and Kai can swear he sees him flushing, and it makes his stomach stir in disgust.

Now even the person he thought he could be comfortable with is changing into something he dislikes. Just like everyone else.

He hastily pulls his shiny shirt up and slides on his plain t-shirt, cursing when it takes more than a minute to get rid of his flashy button up shirt. The stupid things they make him wear.

He checks the time on his wrist watch.

4:50 am.

He curses again as he realizes he’s going to be late. He’s already past the time he should be leaving so he hastily pulls on his coat as he dashes out of the room; in his peripheral view he sees Sehun still trying to fix his shirt that already looks fine.

On his way out, he notices a wide-eyed, tall man, grinning so wide that he already looks high as he reads the arc of their club. He shakes his head in disgust.

The man is grinning. He hates it when people grin.

+ + +

Kai doesn’t bother to apologize or even look up at people who he bumps to on his way to the usual place he visits every Sunday morning. It’s not like he would ever actually want to look at people’s faces. It’s another thing about him. He does not look at people in the eyes, unless it has something to do with his profession. He finds it a waste of time to look at people’s eyes because it would only result to emotions falling into him. And he does not wish to mingle with anyone or get attached to anyone—because Kai only cares for Kai and no one else.

No one else should matter.

The thought of his new assignment crosses his mind again as he walks closer to his destination. Why is it that he is always given the job that involves people when his boss knows very well much how he hates people.

He walks inside the mini convenience store and walks directly to the aisle where the ramen is situated. Ramen is not his favorite food, but he finds it more convenient to eat ramen than to eat food in a restaurant where other people could be, or to go grocery shopping and be in a crowded place with many people swarming around. At least in this convenient store, he can eat alone in peace and he can watch the sun rise.

Sunrise is probably the only thing he likes in this world. The sight of the sun rising and lighting up the world always amuses him; he finds it relaxing when he feels the first streak of light caress his face. He finds peace in it.

And also, he thinks, the person behind the counter doesn’t bother him at all, unlike other nosy people who always try to get into a conversation with him and he ends up feeling so irritated.

There’s only one familiar thing he notices about the person’s voice.

It’s always shaking and Kai does not know if the shaking is because he has a scary appearance to make the cashier tremble every time he wants to pay for his orders, or if it’s because he really just has a shaky voice. So in the end he would just cut him off by putting enough money on the counter and leaves to his favorite spot. He could not find out the answer because he never really looks up at the man’s face. He only knows the man by his voice.

And he finds peace in that.

In his concentration over the rising of the sun, he does not notice the worried face of the man behind the counter.

He does not hear the loud banging of the man’s heart in his chest.

He does not notice the feelings elevating.