Maybe

Curiosity got the best of him and Kyungsoo doesn't know if it would have been better if he didn't secretly follow Jongin once on his way back to work. Maybe if he was patient enough, he wouldn't have seen something that bothered him for days. Maybe if he waited enough, Jongin would have told him about it. Maybe Jongin was just looking for the right time. And time is what he needs to give Jongin. And he thinks he needs it too because he needs to try to understand the other. He knows how much pain Jongin had went through and how much of a hard time he has been having. He shouldn’t add to it. He’s supposed to be helping Jongin, isn’t he?

But because of the uncertainty of everything, he doesn’t know whether there really is something to hope for or if he’s just convincing himself.

Maybe he isn’t?



Maybe…

Is it always going to be a maybe?

* * *

“Are you waiting for anyone?”

Wide smile. Tall person. Blond hair.

A ringing pulls Kyungsoo out of his reverie. Still in a daze, he looks up to the person standing behind him. A tall person indeed.

“Pardon me?”

The tall person looks behind Kyungsoo then down to him.

“Why are you hiding behind this post?”

Kyungsoo looks at the post the tall man leans on. Hiding. He needed to hide because he couldn’t just openly watch Jongin. It’s the second time he had followed Jongin to his workplace and he still couldn’t gather the courage to tell the other about it, more so to enter the building. He knows what is in the building but he isn't sure he wants to know. What is he supposed to tell Jongin anyway? That he followed him to his workplace and that he now knows that Jongin had been lying to him? What was he trying to gain from this anyway?

Jongin’s honesty?

Pathetic.

Isn’t it enough that you have him to yourself, Kyungsoo?

“I-I’m not hi—“

“Oh! Cool Kai is here!”

...Kai?

Kyungsoo looks behind him to see Jongin entering the building. But seeing Jongin entering the building has now become more painful for this time around, he is seeing a long-haired woman entering the building with her arms wrapped around Jongin’s.

Calm down. You’re in no place to feel jealous. That’s what he tells himself. But then, if he doesn’t have right to feel jealous, then what is he to Jongin?


 

***

“How was work?”

Jongin smiles at him the same way he always does. Soft, small smile that has him falling over and over again.

There’s no saving his heart.

“It was fine.”

Kyungsoo eyes Jongin, searching for even the slightest bit of guilt. He’s been lying to him. If he really matters to Jongin then... he should at least feel guilty, shouldn’t he?

“Clients...”, Kyungsoo takes Jongin’s suit from him. “You must have had a lot of clients seeing you arrived a little late?”, he asks Jongin, his back facing the other.

“Yes. I had quite a busy night.”
 

And it breaks Kyungsoo’s heart how Jongin answered him so instantly, as if lying comes naturally. Arms wrap around Kyungsoo from behind him. He began to feel Jongin’s warm breath fanning on his neck as he leans his head to the other side.

“Why...”, and Jongin plants a kiss on Kyungsoo’s neck. “Did you miss me?”

Of course I did.

Kyungsoo wonders why he keeps falling in love,
 

even when his heart keeps getting shattered.
 

***
 

“You’re here again, wide eyes!”

It’s the same smile from the same tall person from last time. Kyungsoo looks up at him.

“Wide eyes?”

The tall person rubs his nape while laughing a little.

“We didn’t get to introduce ourselves last time so I gave you a name instead. Your eyes are really wide, that name suits you. Look!”, the tall person points at Kyungsoo, making Kyungsoo cross-eyed as he stares at the finger pointing at him. The tall man giggles. “Your eyes are getting wider!”

Kyungsoo frowns. The tall man is being weird. He turns around again, eyes searching for a certain man he bid good bye to just this morning.

“So you are the cool guy’s fan too?”

The voice was awfully close and Kyungsoo turns around only to flinch and hit his back on the post he had been hiding from. He groans in pain.

“Are you okay?”

The tall man looks sincere as he crouches down to him, face full of worry. It makes Kyungsoo feel bad that he judged the man.

“I’m fine. Thank you.”

“I’m sorry. I was being creepy again, wasn’t I?”

Kyungsoo smiles at him. It’s the first smile he offered to the tall person and he likes how his face lights up when he smiles back.

 

***
 

“No! I’m not a customer here!” Kyungsoo struggles to wring his arms off of Chanyeol’s grasp as he whisper-shouted at him. Apparently, he is not a man of much strength.

“Relax! I’m not going to take you to the Pleasure room.” Chanyeol smiles at Kyungsoo. His smile still looks creepily wide and it isn’t very reassuring to Kyungsoo.

“Where are you taking me then? Are we even allowed to enter this place?”

Chanyeol smiles at him. It was a different smile. It was a smile of those who are caught up in love. Like Kyungsoo. But he wonders if Jongin does the same to him.

“I’ll show you my future husband.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen. “What?”

And there, in front of them, on the stage is a man trembling, eyes closed, but singing with such melodious voice. The melody and words flow out of him like a calm river and Kyungsoo saw the proud look on Chanyeol’s face. He smiles as if the only person he sees is the petite man standing on the stage.

“He’s lucky to have you.”

Chanyeol continues to look at the petite brunette on the stage. “He has yet to know that.”

“What?”

Chanyeol takes a sit on one of the stool and invites Kyungsoo to sit beside him.

“What would you like to drink? It’s on me.”

Kyungsoo looks at Chanyeol then to the bartender with kind smile and deep dimples.

“I don’t drink alcohol.”

Chanyeol laughs and looks at the bartender.

“Hyung, do you serve soda?”

The bartender nods with a smile and gets Kyungsoo a soda.

“This isn’t everyday someone gets served a soda in a bar. Here you go.”

“T-thank you.” Kyungsoo takes the can with both hands and bows.
 

Silent invades them as Chanyeol continues to stare at the man on the stage. Chanyeol clears his throat and looks at him.

“Kai is really famous here. He’s always requested by the customers.”

Kyungsoo is listening but his eyes are glued to the man on the far corner, his shirt and ed and a playful smirk on his face as he pulls a man inside a room. Jongin never smiled at him that way.

“...But he is a nice person”, he hears Chanyeol say.

“I know.”

He’s lying again to himself. He doesn’t really know. He doesn’t know if the Jongin he knows is the real Jongin.
 

Maybe he needs to give Jongin a time to think it over.

 

***

A month had passed and yet his words remained a ‘maybe’.

Maybe Jongin just needs time to think it over. Maybe Jongin really wants to tell him but couldn't. Maybe Jongin feels the same way. It's all maybe and Kyungsoo doesn't know if he should really be holding on anymore. 

A few more visits to the place where Jongin works had Kyungsoo's heart in pain. How long does he have to wait? How long does he have to hear the man he loves with someone else in his arms? How long does he have to see the man he loves making love with other people? How long do they have to lie to each other? How long does he have to smile in front of Jongin, hugging him, and giving him chaste kisses full of lies? What does he have to do to make Jongin tell him? What does he have to do to let Jongin know that he can do everything for him? His heartbreak increases as his patience begins to ran out. Before he knew it, his fear of Jongin not really feeling the same way and being left alone engulfs him. The inner turmoil slowly takes over him.
 

Jongin lets out a gasp when Kyungsoo deepens the kiss. For the very first time, Kyungsoo is taking the lead and not just that. He seems different this time around. He seems... aggressive, wanting something that Jongin couldn't quite put his finger on. It feels different but this is Kyungsoo. All too intoxicating, sweet, and addicting. Jongin knows he had been wanting for this to happen. Many times he had to stop himself from going further for he is uncertain if he is allowed to touch Kyungsoo like he wants to. He fears he might hurt the precious person he wants to treasure forever. But all those thoughts don’t enter his mind  right at this moment. He couldn't even begin to ask himself how a mere innocent washing of the dishes turns into the heated kiss Jongin had always been wanting have. He had been long waiting for this. Kyungsoo fills him more with his scent and Jongin would gladly lose control for this sweet addiction that is Kyungsoo.

"Jongin…" 

Jongin wasn't sure which is more intoxicating: tasting Kyungsoo's lips and mouth or hearing Kyungsoo moan his name with that same mouth. It's all too heavenly. Jongin is drunk with all of Kyungsoo.

But the moan continues as Jongin invades Kyungsoo's lips, molding it with his, nipping at it and into his mouth.

"Jongin…"

Yes.

The hands wrapped around his neck began to slide down to his chest and Jongin shudders, cupping Kyungsoo's face with both hands as he leans his forehead on Kyungsoo's. 

"Kyungsoo..." All he could do is whisper Kyungsoo's name as they both try to catch their breaths. Jongin looks at Kyungsoo but the other doesn't look back at him. Jongin wants to see Kyungsoo's eyes. He wants to see how they look like, to know how Kyungsoo feels.

"Kyungsoo... look at me." But Kyungsoo wouldn't and Jongin began to worry. Did he... did he overdo things again? 

Before Jongin speak again, Kyungsoo began to his shirt. 

Kyungsoo...

"Kyungsoo, look at me..."

Kyungsoo continues to his shirt with trembling hands and although Jongin's heart beats fast and he knows he wanted this-- God how much he wanted Kyungsoo! -- but he couldn't.  He couldn't just force Kyungsoo into something he doesn't want.

"No, stop." Jongin holds both Kyungsoo's hands with his, holding them firmly with his.

You don't want this, Kyungsoo. 

Kyungsoo still doesn't look up at Jongin. 

He doesn't want this. 

"I'm sorry." Jongin whispers as he circles his arms around Kyungsoo, burying the smaller's head on his chest. More than his desires, Kyungsoo matters more and he would never ever do anything to hurt Kyungsoo. He can wait until Kyungsoo is ready to fully accept him. 
 

He doesn't want me. 

Kyungsoo's heart shattered to pieces again and he's already too tired to try and put it back together. 

 

***

 

"You're here again, wide eyes."

Unlike the many times before, Kyungsoo doesn't respond with a smile. Chanyeol's brows furrow.

"I want to see him."

Chanyeol stares at him for a couple of seconds in surprise before he could gather his bearings. 

"Are you sure? I…" Chanyeol searches for fear in Kyungsoo's eyes like how it always is when he tells him that someday he will have to face it. "I thought you don't want to know unless he tells you?"

It's true. Kyungsoo wanted to wait. He wanted Jongin to tell him the truth. But who is he kidding? Jongin would never tell him. He was foolish to think that he was an important person to Jongin. He was foolish for thinking that he was more than someone Jongin would merely hang out with, spend time with when he feels bored. He was the one who got himself into this relationship.


 

Jongin is walking across the hallway, eyes squinted as he tries to get them used to all the flashing red lights.

Another night.

  
It is yet another night full of lies. Another night he had to lie to Kyungsoo. Another night he has to spend with someone else in his arms instead of Kyungsoo. He couldn't stop himself from thinking of what happened the other day. Kyungsoo kissed him like he never did before. Kyungsoo kissed him like he had always dreamed of kissing him. But as much as he wants savour the moment, touch every inch of Kyungsoo, make love to him until dawn, he couldn't. He couldn't because he had been lying to Kyungsoo. He doesn't have the courage to step ahead of the line, cement what he and Kyungsoo have, despite the fact that Kyungsoo almost knows next to nothing about him. Until now he couldn't find the courage to admit to Kyungsoo what type of person he really is, for he fears that Kyungsoo might not like what type of person he is; a person who sells his body, touches people he doesn't love, and breaks people's’ heart, all for the sake of money. In contrast to him, Kyungsoo is like an angel. And he is afraid that an angel might not open his arms to someone as low as him.

Coward.

Jongin takes a hold of the door knob and twists it to open the door, at the same time wearing the same smirk that has people wanting for more, more of him.

But the smirk falls the instant his eyes falls to huge, dark orbs looking straight at him.
 

"Kyungsoo…"

 

***



 

Jongin thought his heart stopped beating for a moment, his feet stayed frozen on the floor and all he could think of is the man sitting in front of him. The man he couldn't be honest with. The man he wants to be with forever. And he's sitting in the same place where he takes people's heart and breaks it.

"Kyungsoo... what are you doing here?" His voice began to waver at the sight of Kyungsoo, eyes looking fierce.

"I don't know. I wanted to visit your 'office' and this is what welcomed me. I found out that you really have so many clients. It wasn't easy getting an appointment scheduled."

It was a tone that Kyungsoo has never used on him and it makes Jongin scared because what he had been fearing is now happening.

"Kyungsoo, you're not supposed to be here."

Jongin remains rooted on the ground and Kyungsoo stands up from his seat.

"Why? Why not?"

Jongin doesn't know how to answer that question and all he could do is stare at Kyungsoo. They look into each other's eyes and the pain that suddenly began to cloud Kyungsoo's eyes makes him want to wrap his arms around Kyungsoo and ask for forgiveness and explain everything. But he couldn't move.

"Were you ever planning to tell me at all?"

Once again, Jongin couldn't answer. 

I was. I wanted to tell you. 

But his voice won't come out. All he could do is watch Kyungsoo look at him with sad eyes. He wonders if he is reflecting the same emotion on his face. How does Kyungsoo see him? Does Kyungsoo see how much he means the world to him?

Kyungsoo waits for deep inside, he still wants to hear Jongin's reason. He couldn't wait any longer. It's either he faces the reality between the two of them and ask him upfront or continue to follow Jongin around secretly. He knows better than to be a coward. Kyungsoo fists his hands tightly, trying to look as intact as possible. He can not show how weak he is right now. He can't break down in front of the man he's been in love with. The man who he thought loves him back.

He waits, and waits, and waits. But Jongin continues to not look at him and instead looks down, as if he is admitting to his mistakes. That he did, for a fact, lie on purpose and wasn't planning on telling him.

The silence is deafening and Kyungsoo could not take it anymore. He heaves a shaky breath, to keep himself calm, before speaking again. 

"Am I really not worth giving your trust?" 

 

The voice comes out as a whisper and it makes Jongin's heart ache, like someone is clenching it, wanting for it to burst. He couldn't find the right words. He doesn't even know if he has the right to say anything. He had hurt Kyungsoo and that itself is a sin he couldn't forgive himself for committing. 

Please... Anything. Say anything.

He silently pleads for Jongin to say anything. anything. He just wants to hear Jongin at least try to save this. Whatever they have.

Silence continues. Jongin still doesn't look at him.

Tears began to roll down Kyungsoo's cheeks, fisted hands hastily wipe them away as Kyungsoo began to walk out of the room. He thinks it's stupid for  him to hope for Jongin to turn and stop him. But he does anyway.

It hurts him. It really does. It feels like it's not the room that Kyungsoo is walking out of. It feels like it is his life that Kyungsoo is walking out of. And he couldn't even find the strength to turn and pull Kyungsoo back into his life because as much as he wants, he knows he can not be anything more than a heartbreak to Kyungsoo. Instead of being Kyungsoo's umbrella against the heavy rain, he himself is the heavy rain, taking away Kyungsoo's shield with him, and crushing Kyungsoo to tiny bits.

The doors close and Jongin's vision began to turn blurry, like he is under the water, suffocating for he had lost the air he breathes, the meaning of his life. 

Kyungsoo.

It's been a long time. Almost a month?

Things had been piling up at the uiversity and I have an another upcoming nationwide examination that I can't afford to fail so I'm quite busy for the preparation but I miraculously was able to slip this in. I really miss updating. *sigh*

Anyway, I hope you won't hate me for this update after a long time? I am sure some of you were expecting this kind of chapter based on the comments. e u e

P.S. I'm falling more and more in love with Kyungsoo because of It's Okay That's Love. You guys should watch it. Episode two is so much better than the first episode. :>

P.P.S I don't know how to properly extend my sincerest thanks and gratitude to everyone who reads/comments/subscribes/upvotes this fanfic.  I may not be able to reply to your comments because I'm so busy with uni) but I make sure to read them and they really make me happy. Thank you so much. This fanfic doesn't have that much audience but it is very special to me and it makes me very happy that people also read it. Thank you so much for reading this fanfic until now. And also, I'm sorry for my slow updates. TT n TT

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