Holding Back

A fleeting heart, a head dizzy, and emotions that are too confusing.

That’s how Kyungsoo makes him feel like.

Kyungsoo is everything that Kai didn’t expect. Kyungsoo is everything Kai didn’t imagine himself to desire. He is something so fragile that makes Kai feel scared because even the gentlest touch from someone as broken and as dark-souled as him could easily destroy such fragileness.

When did he start acquiring these kinds of emotions anyway? When did he start caring anyway?

Inflecting pain into others was something he would have taken pleasure in. It would be something he enjoyed, or something he would ignore. Human interaction is something he would survive without. Just like caring for others.

 But this person, to this one person, to this Do Kyungsoo.

Every emotion he has gets wrapped up and encased in his chest and he already is so close to wanting to possess the man, call him his, give him all his desires and take him away so that the cruel world can’t hurt him.

Maybe it all started when he saw those eyes staring back at him like they’re pulling him out of the black hole he fell in or maybe...

Maybe it started when he first heard the sound of that trembling voice.

And slowly, without knowing, he began to care.

He began to desire something not just for the sake of survival but because his heart tells him so.

 His every being tells him so.

****

The sound of heavy breathing, whines, groans, and moans from all the people he serviced that night, no matter how loud, could not compare to the sound of Kyungsoo’s laughter replaying over and over in his head.

Could this be an addiction?

Maybe it already is.

And maybe that is the exact reason why his feet works faster than his brain could tell it to and before he knew it, he finds himself standing by the intersection near the Do Convenience store the next morning. He looks with narrowing eyes as Luhan walks Kyungsoo to a black car that he hasn’t seen before. Maybe it was because of the uncomfortable feeling of seeing Luhan being around Kyungsoo again that he doesn’t notice the presence of his co-worker behind him. But he still would not notice that as he sprints to the black car, holding the door’s frame before Kyungsoo could close it.

The crestfallen look on Kyungsoo’s face doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Kyungsoo... is something wrong?”

The smaller’s gaze was fixed on him at first before it fell to the ground, weak and shaking. The absence of emotions in those eyes that have always mesmerized Kyungsoo is enough to tell him that something is wrong.

“Mira…”

One word.

One word and it was enough for him understand.

“Can I go with you? Please let me go with you...”

Kyungsoo nods and he gets in the passenger seat.

The ride to their destination was quiet but the air was filled with sorrow and a mix of longing for soft giggles and soft voice from the little girl that had endured the cruelty of the world.

A lot of times he had to stop himself from reaching for Kyungsoo’s hand and hold it within his, to tell the smaller that it’s okay, if he is sad, if he is hurt, it’s okay to cry. He will listen. He is there for him.

But the words linger in his lips.

Because is this okay? Is he really allowed to show this kind of affection to someone? Is it really okay to care more than he should? Is it really okay to hold the smaller in his arms and tell him that it’s going to be okay even if he knows the tomorrow will remain a mystery and there’s no way of knowing if it’s going to be okay or if it’s going to break his heart even more?

Two hearts hold back each other.

But holding back only hurts both hearts, breaking themselves more than they already are.

***

Kyungsoo doesn’t cry at the funeral but his face shows more sorrow than a crying face could ever show. He is broken in the inside and maybe that’s more painful; when you try to hold back the tears to show others that you can be strong for them.

But Kai can see him almost breaking and again, he holds back and just stays by his side.

It must have been equally painful; watching someone, who has become special to you, break into pieces deep inside and try to act strong. Maybe because this is all new to him, maybe because all his life he had spent it being indifferent about almost everything that now that he is beginning to feel the emotions he had been ignoring, it is becoming unbearable.

Maybe Kyungsoo had already inflicted him with the equal pain.

Maybe he had become too attached to Kyungsoo before he knew it.

Maybe Kyungsoo had already planted himself inside Kai’s heart that every pain, every emotion, gets channeled to him as well.

“When I was so lost in this world and was into trying to run away from my past,” Kyungsoo began as he fiddles with the hem of his coat, eyes looking at a distant place outside the window of the car. Kai is sitting at the passenger’s seat, hands itching to reach for the other’s, “it was her who stayed by my father’s side and made him feel like how a father should to his children. She was there all along, in my place. And I couldn’t even bid her a proper goodbye.”

The event reminds Kyungsoo of everything he regretted in his life: the people he neglected, the love he threw away, and the people who continued to love him despite the fact that he left them.

The guilt of hurting the people he loves, the sorrow of having to let go of those people, and the fear of seeing every one leave him gets all mixed up and his tears finally began fall.

 His strong façade began to fall into pieces.

Kai could not hold back anymore.

He couldn’t find his voice or the right words to say. All he could think of doing is gently pulling the smaller into his strong arms. Kyungsoo was pliant in his arms as he makes him rest his head on his chest. He tries to stifle the sobs but Kai could hear it. His heart could clearly hear it. And even though the position makes it uncomfortable, Kai could not stop himself from wrapping an arm securely around the smaller’s waist, his other free hand caressing the back of Kyungsoo’s head.

And he realizes that it’s Kyungsoo who will always be hurting in this cruel world. Because when he doesn’t care about the world, Kyungsoo is there caring and worrying for everyone and forever hurting for others.

Maybe it is because beautiful things are so easily broken by the world. And Kyungsoo is one of those beautiful things that the world holds.

At that very moment, Jongin decides.

He will be that person that will hold and protect Kyungsoo from the cruel world.

He will be that person that will stop the tears from spilling,

He will be that person that will protect Kyungsoo when the world tries to shatter his heart into pieces, 

He will be Kyungsoo's umbrella when the sky cries and sorrow pours down to earth,

He will be that person that will never leave Kyungsoo’s side.

 Ever.

A/N:

So now we all know that if ever my name appears in the chapter, it means the chapter is going to be a sad one. haha. But then again Mira is already dead so..... 

Thank you to everyone who continue to read this fic TTvTT

I will try to update soon! :D

Comment or upvote! o u o

[ twitter ; instagram ; tumblr ; ASK.FM ]