Face plastered with the usual indifferent look he already mastered, Jongin enters the changing room, only looking sideways to acknowledge Sehun’s presence. Sehun has now become a colleague, enough that they now both spare each other a glance or notice each other’s presence.

The fact that it is caused by two men they fell for is, of course, a conclusion that both of them silently agree with. It still is ridiculous for both of them that they actually feel something so strong for someone. After meeting and touching so many people, they finally want to settle down with one. It somehow still sounds unbelievable. Maybe it’s just for Jongin for Sehun seemed to be doing well in fitting in the life of Luhan.

He cracks his neck once and rolls his shoulders to ease the pain in his back before opening his locker to take shower before going to Kyungsoo’s place. He reeks of alcohol and cigarette and obviously another man’s smell. He does not want to face Kyungsoo and stay with him while the stench of his last client remains.

His last client happened to be one that is broken hearted and claimed the only way he can ease the pain in his heart is by having himself ed raw all night long. The man was charged high price and Jongin earned lots of money from that, but that couldn’t make the pain in his hips stop.

Jongin thought it was stupid of his client to find refuge and comfort in another man’s arms. If there really was love, they should find way to settle it together. Coming in a club that is technically a whorehouse doesn’t really solve the problem.

This made his mind reel back to the thought that he’s not any better. His client was just a client while he... he’s the one doing the ‘’. And he even feel more distressed knowing that Kyungsoo is taking it lightly now. How could Kyungsoo forgive him that easily? How could Kyungsoo just let him do things like this? How could Kyungsoo trust him? Even he cannot trust himself but Kyungsoo did.

Shoulders slouching, he began to feel even more remorseful of himself. Sehun here is already giving up his old lifestyle for Luhan. What’s only left is to find him a replacement and he would be out of this business any time soon. Jongin wonders why he cannot do the same when aside from the entertainment and the rare private business that his boss sends him to, there’s really nothing worth sticking up to in this line of business. Even those disgust him; the thought that he lets other people than Kyungsoo touch him, the thought that he lets himself be in situations that could take him away from his Kyungsoo. He hates all of it.

“It’s been ringing. Thrice now. Are you not going to answer it?”

It took him a few seconds to realiz that Sehun, who is sitting on the bench in front of the lockers, is talking to him.

“What?”

Sehun his head towards his opened locker.

“The phone you got because of Do Kyungsoo. It already rang three times.”

Sehun has his head tilting to the side as he speaks and Jongin follows his gaze and is met by the blinking of his phone’s LED signifying notifications. Jongin scrambles to pick up the phone and check what the notifications are about. The only person that knows his handphone number is Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo doesn’t really try to contact him when he’s at work unless it’s something important.

Five missed calls. He had never received this much from Kyungsoo. He’s always fast to answer every call.

There’s also a message notification after the missed calls. Kyungsoo doesn’t really text him at all; they’d both prefer to hear each other’s voice. It fakes the distance between, like they’re not far from each other, like Kyungsoo isn't back in the store while Jongin is technically being unfaithful.

It’s all so messed up and he doesn’t understand any of it. He doesn’t like doing what he does but he also doesn’t want to make Kyungsoo feel bad about him wanting to quit.

From: Kyungsoo

Jongin, I won’t be back until tonight so you don’t need to come to the store.

Call me after you see this.

Jongin takes a quick shower after that before he flies out of the building, quickly dialling Kyungsoo’s number.

“Jongin, did you see my message?”

He can hear rustling sounds in the background and the sound of a car door being opened.

“Are you going somewhere?” He asks instead of answering.

“Yes. I’m meeting my cousin from the airport today. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to tell you our plans, it was hastily decided on."

Jongin's voice shows no panic, but his actions do as his steps began to increase. For some reason, knowing that Kyungsoo is meeting someone he knows nothing about is making him worry. He just wants to make sure that this someone Kyungsoo is meeting isn't someone who would potentially want to take Kyungsoo away from him.

“As your feelings for someone grow stronger, so does your fear of losing them.”

Jongin remembers himself laughing when Sehun tells him that when asked why he would quit his means of living just for Luhan. They both have practically been living like this for so long that a sudden change is almost impossible. Outside, there’s nothing else they can and want to do.

Even this job, they don’t like it at all.

But for him, there must have been something about seeing and hearing people indulge in lust to take the pain away that keeps doing it. It was entertaining, the least, for Jongin. Because he didn’t know what it was like, to feel pain like others do.  His own pain was buried several miles underground already that he had become numb to it. He was a living body with a dead soul roaming the world just for the sake of living and trying what this world has to offer. He never really enjoyed most of it; he was just waiting for his time to come; for his time to die. Ending it would have been easier but why would he waste such a useless life instead of inflicting pain to others? The physical pain that results from his underground trips for his boss is temporary, it goes away eventually. It wasn’t real pain. It makes him feel the emptiness that he continues to deny he feels. He couldn’t feel pain so he finds it most entertaining when he sees other feeling it in front of him. It was a little bit satisfying.

Death comes for everyone and so he does not fear it, in fact he believed he doesn’t fear anything. But that changed now. For once in his life, he fears losing something so dear to him.

He fears losing Kyungsoo.

—that is what he feels as he watches Kyungsoo from a distance smiling brightly at unknown man who ruffles his hair.

The snow falling is beginning to freeze him, Kyungsoo and the unknown man get in the car and Jongin watches with his heart pounding as they drove away. He wants to move but his body betrays him as he was not able to do anything but whisper Kyungsoo’s name in the cold of the morning.

“Kyungsoo…”

****

It was Minho who breaks the silence as they walk out of the cemetery, both staring at the snowflakes silently falling onto the ground.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here the time you needed me. Some cousin I am...”

He follows it with a deep sigh and Kyungsoo looks at him with a smile.

“It’s okay, hyung. I understood that you were in a tight situation. Besides, I wanted to be left alone that time. I just,” Kyungsoo’s eyes travels back to the ground before he continues, “the world was too messy, too noisy, I wanted to be left alone to think to myself.”

Minho purses his lips and follows suit as silence reigned while they both walk on the pathway down from the granite stairs. Kyungsoo pockets his hands in his suit, visibly shivering in the cold. Stepping close to his little cousin, Minho takes off his scarf and holds Kyungsoo to face him before wrapping the red scarf around the smaller’s neck. The fluffy red scarf is too big for Kyungsoo and covers almost half of his face and Minho laughs at how at the age of 24, his favourite cousin still manages to look like a 14 years old. Kyungsoo who is forever not accepting people branding him ‘cute’, huffs and glares at Minho. Minho continues to laugh. Kyungsoo still looks cute.

“Don’t get yourself cold,” he says as he lightly pinches his favourite cousin’s now turning red-nose.

“How about you then?”

Minho flashes his signature smile and pulls Kyungsoo close in a sideways-hug.

“We can stay warm like this.”

Kyungsoo nods, eyes forming into slits as he smiles up to his hyung, and they both make way to where they parked the car.

***

Seoul City is beginning to be engulfed by darkness as the city lights begin to come to view. Minho waits in anticipation as he watches from the inside of his hotel room. It’s been so long since the last time he had seen the beauty of Seoul. Seeing it again bring memories from his childhood. He presses a palm on the cold glass and reminisces. Sometimes, he wonders how it would have been if his father did not choose to migrate to Canada, leaving his little brother behind, and even dying on his own.

“Here’s a warm tea I brought with me hyung, it’s your favourite Chamomile tea.”

Minho nods in thanks as he takes the teacup and small platter in Kyungsoo’s hands. “Our favourite tea.”

Kyungsoo smiles. “Our favourite,” He says, taking a sip of his tea as he overlooks the city of Seoul. “So, how do find you Seoul?”

Minho takes a sip of his own tea as well, and fixes his gaze back to the city below them.

“Breath-taking. It’s even more beautiful than what I saw on the internet.”

“Then you should come often.”

Minho nods. “I should,” then he looks back at Kyungsoo, “I don’t want my favourite cousin staying here alone.”

Kyungsoo laughs a little. “Stop babying me, hyung! I’m 24 now. A professional doctor. Besides, I’m not alone. I have Luhan.”

Minho’s voice turns serious when he speaks again. “Father told me to invite you over to the hospital. There’s a vacancy, Kyungsoo, and it’s waiting for you.”

Kyungsoo stares at Minho for quite a while, their gaze lingering before Kyungsoo sighs.

“Hyung, I can’t just leave. I have people here I—“

“You can tell Luhan to come with you, if you want. Father knew you wouldn’t want to leave your best friend who seemed more like a brother to you. He can come too. He’s more than welcome back there with the rest of the family...”

Minho was hopeful that Kyungsoo would agree to his offer. Until now he still feels guilty for leaving and not being there when Kyungsoo needed him. He at least wanted to make it up to Kyungsoo, maybe give the feeling of being part of a family again.

“Luhan wouldn’t want to come, hyung. He has someone precious to him right now.”

Minho watches in fascination as Kyungsoo smiles to himself, cup tipped to his lips before taking a sip. He began to smile as well as he began to understand.

“And so do you...”

Kyungsoo looks at him, surprised, before he lowers his gaze; cheeks flushed as he purse his lips in an attempt to hide his smile.

Minho drops the topic as he watches Kyungsoo continue to flush over his discovery. He would tease Kyungsoo later about it. For now, he will enjoy the sight of his favourite cousin, the cousin he once abandoned, smiling and blushing beautifully over the prospect of being in love. It’s beautiful. And he’s happy that Kyungsoo found a reason to smile again.

***

Kyungsoo turns up the heater to his car as he starts to drive out of the hotel’s parking lot. Winters in seoul in early January is usually really cold and he’s not a very warm-bodied person who can take the cold much longer so he turns up the heater to the highest level.

His mind travels back to what Minho offered him. A job vacancy in the Vancouver General Hospital. It’s a big opportunity that anyone wouldn’t normally let go of. If this was three years ago, he would accept in a heartbeat. He was obsessed with his profession and status. But things are different now, he choose to help people who needs him. And he has Luhan who would never leave without Sehun. He would never leave Luhan’s side. Being in the opposite side of the world isn’t something he could afford. It all ties itself together and he just cannot leave. Also he has Jongin—

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen as he remembers. Jongin. Jongin has not contacted him the entire day, even now at seven in the evening. That isn’t something usual for his lover.

Jongin didn’t feel upset over him, did he?

Kyungsoo began to frown. He wasn’t even able to properly tell Jongin about today’s plans.

Nearing the intersection next to the convenience store, he picks up his phone lying on the passenger seat.

No messages.

Kyungsoo sighs, Jongin must have gotten upset of him.

He began to dial Jongin’s number, but his fingers stops working, foot automatically lifting itself up on the accelerator as he sees a familiar figure leaning on the side of the convenience store; the man jumping on his place, and rubbing his hands together to warm them.

Kyungsoo’s heart fell to his stomach.

Jongin waited for him.

Kyungsoo hastily parks his car inside his garage and almost trips on his own foot as he walks to Jongin, who offers him a smile. But Kyungsoo wasn’t smiling.

“Jongin, what are you doing here?!”

Kyungsoo asks, half-panicking, as he nears Jongin.

“How long have you been waiting for—“

But Jongin cuts him off with his arms around Kyungsoo, enveloping the smaller in a warm hug. Kyungsoo stills, heart still pounding against his chest, in a small panic.

“You’re back,” whispers Jongin who buries his face in the red scarf still wrapped around Kyungsoo. It doesn’t smell like Kyungsoo at all. The scarf smells foreign and Jongin, with his heart twisting in pain, is sure that the scarf belongs to that someone Kyungsoo met with. He hugs Kyungsoo tighter, as if to confirm if the person he’s holding in his arms right now is really Kyungsoo. He sighs. “I’m glad you’re back.”

Kyungsoo grumbles, unable to speak as guilt takes over him.

Kyungsoo is walking in haste as he brings every blanket and comforter in the house to his room. Jongin lies on the bed, wrapped in five comforters, still shivering. Kyungsoo groans, that is the last comforter he has and Jongin is still shivering in the cold. The heater has been set to the highest temperature and he has given Jongin warm tea yet nothing works fast enough. Jongin still has his eyes closed tightly, teeth chattering. He must have been staying too long in the open, waiting for him. Kyungsoo gulps hard, praying that Jongin didn’t wait for him the whole day because if he did he would never—

“Kyungsoo…”

Kyungsoo jolts in his thoughts at the sound of Jongin calling him. He was instantly sitting next to Jongin.

“Yes?”

“I’m okay. Stop panicking.”

Kyungsoo frowns even more.

“You’re okay? You can say that with how you are right now? Look at you, you’re shaking already!” Kyungsoo runs his palms on his face and then threads his fingers through his hair. “This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have—“

Jongin cuts him off again as a hand appears from under the blankets and pulls Kyungsoo to fall over him.

“Keep me warm then.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t protest and instead buries his face on the blanket. “Isn’t that what I’ve been trying to do for the past ten minutes and obviously failing?”

Jongin chuckles and pulls the blanket over, offering Kyungsoo to join him in bed. Kyungsoo grumbles, albeit blushing as he accepts the offer. Jongin smiles and takes a deep breath as he nestles Kyungsoo in his arms and places a kiss on Kyungsoo’s forehead. Kyungsoo doesn’t speak and instead sighs, still feeling guilty for making the other wait, and buries his face on Jongin’s chest.

“I’m sorry for making you wait,” mutters Kyungsoo, short arms encircling Jongin’s waist.

“It’s okay…”

Jongin can almost hear the pout in Kyungsoo’s voice as he answers.

“It’s not okay. I made you wait there for so long that you were shaking in the cold. Why did you even wait anyway? That was so foolish of you. You could’ve just gone home... or called me...”

“I wanted to make sure you’re coming back safe. I didn’t want to disturb your time with your cousin...”

Kyungsoo grips the back of Jongin’s—his—sweater.

“What if I decided to stay the night with my cousin? You would have literally been frozen by the time I return. You shouldn’t have waited.”

Snaking his right hand on the back of Kyungsoo’s head, he began to caress the smaller’s hair.

“Were you planning to stay the night with him?”

“No...”

“Thought so. I knew you would return. You told me you would and I trust you.”

Kyungsoo pulls away, enough to look up at Jongin’s face.

“But even so. For you to wait for me—“

It seems it has become Jongin’s habit to cut him off every time he tries to make his point. This time, Jongin cuts him off with his lips on the other’s. Jongin pulls away shortly after with a warm smile on his face.

“It’s okay. At least I get to cuddle with you because I’m cold…”

Kyungsoo’s face heats up and he hides his face under Jongin’s neck.

“Stupid,” Kyungsoo mutters. “I would cuddle with you any time you want.”

And Jongin develops a stupid smile on his face, one that can only be seen when he’s with Kyungsoo.

“Really?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t answer, instead he nods and hugs Jongin tighter, listening to the rapid pace of Jongin’s heartbeat.

They stay like that for a while, Kyungsoo listening to Jongin’s heartbeat and Jongin holding him close, both feeling amorous as they are being lulled into sleep.

Kyungsoo spoke before both of them could fall asleep.

“What about work?”

The hand caressing his hair pauses and continues as Jongin answers.

“Do you want me to go?”

Kyungsoo fists the front of his shirt as he whispers a “No”.

“Then I’m not going...”

Kyungsoo nods again.

“Are you warm now?”

Jongin inhales, taking in Kyungsoo’s scent, and wraps his arms around him as he hums a yes.

They stayed quiet again and Jongin wasn’t sure if he really did hear it or it was part of his dream when he hears Kyungsoo say:

“I’ll give you a spare key first thing tomorrow, okay?”

One of the few things in his life that Jongin enjoys a lot is control. He likes being control of everything that has to do with him. However, Kyungsoo, now the most prized person in his life doesn’t give him the luxury of control even over himself. But he still likes it. Kyungsoo is the only person he’d gladly lose control for.

So Jongin smiles in his sleep, heart pounding out of control.

A u t h o r ' s N o t e

same old same old. I'm still a poop. I'm still sorry I  haven't been updating this for too long. My life is still boring. I love you all for still reading this little precious fic of mine. u___u

also, it's still unbeta-ed. i need to get ready for my flight so early in the morning i just---/wails

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