Isolated

"--and Luhan was there so it doesn't matter if I wasn't able to see the presentation because he took a video of it. The kids were so cute! I thought Luhan would completely forget about my request but he didn't! "

...maybe it was because of the way Kyungsoo's eyes disappear into crescents while they twinkle and sometimes even widen, or maybe the way his voice goes up a pitch and sometimes dies down a little as he excitedly tells him a story, or maybe even the way he moves his arms in excitement as he makes actions to emphasize what he is describing, or even the way he pauses to take a quick breath and giggles before continuing, or maybe... maybe it's the sight of plump, pinkish lips moving as words get voiced out in a deep, but warm voice.

Jongin was completely distracted by Kyungsoo's comical ways of storytelling that he doesn’t notice how in everything he says, there always is a certain man included in it. As if that man is the only person who exists in Kyungsoo’s world.

But he finally notices that now.

And he finds himself not liking even one bit of it.

A permanent smile is on Kyungsoo's face, cheeks flushed in excitement, as he looks at Jongin who has been listening to whatever he had been saying and had only nodding and smiling when he needs to.

Kyungsoo was out of breath, he is almost panting when he stops talking and looks at Jongin for any response.  But the smile slowly fades as he looks at the other man's face. Jongin only looks at him and although his face doesn't tell of any emotion, his eyes tell of a different glint that sends shivers to Kyungsoo’s back.

The coffees have long gone cold; both were already preoccupied with the thought of the other's presence.

Kyungsoo, unconsciously, ends up sitting sideways to halfway face the other man as he gets drowned into the topic about him and his best friend. Jongin on the other hand is fully facing Kyungsoo, an elbow planted on the table counter with a palm open to rest his head on while the other fiddles with a coin, eyes focused on the other as he continuously speaks about things, changing from one topic to another. 

At first there was only the comfortable silence that filled the air between them. Their eyes sometimes meet, and yes, they do still blush as their faces break into a smile, both eyes averting towards the beautiful sight of Seoul. It was Jongin who breaks the silence with a simple word.

"Beautiful."

Huge orbs direct to him, its owner's cheeks flushes even more.

"Pardon me?"

Jongin looks at the smaller male. The latter looks away, gulping as he looks at the scenery of Seoul during the morning.

"The scenery here looks very beautiful, you chose the best place."

Oh. It was about that.

"It is, isn't it?" and Kyungsoo forgets that he actually feels shy around this person, and his brain suddenly decides to function around this certain person.

He gets drowned in sea of stories and tales about things here and there. About Seoul, why they found this place, how they were able to buy the land, how this all started. But Jongin was only paying half of his attention to what the smaller man is saying, for his eyes gets fixated on every little gesture and every other twinkle in the other man's eyes. He finds himself smiling as he listens to the other's tales.

...and all because of that, he doesn't realize that the topic has fallen completely from everything to Luhan, Luhan, Luhan.

Luhan this, Luhan that, Luhan in every sentence.

Luhan everywhere. 

"You seem to be really fond of this Luhan person."

Kim Jongin has never really cared about other people. The existence of people around him didn't matter to him. He could care less if the world is in an apocalypse. As long as he survives then that's that. 

But lately, he's been caring about another person's existence a little too much and he isn’t  entirely sure if he's okay with that person caring for another man more than the casual because he, after all, is a possessive man and this Do Kyungsoo had become someone he wants to be possessive about. 

He had never felt this possessive about someone or something before so he doesn't know how he should handle this.

"Of course I am fond of Luhan..."

Jongin was certain he does not like that special glint in Kyungsoo’s eyes as he says that person's name while also smiling.

“He's my best friend... and the only family I have left."

Kyungsoo looks at him this time, eyes shimmering moist, and with an innocent smile.

"When everyone else left me behind, he stayed. And although I tried so many times to push him away, he continued to stay.” He pauses as he sighs and faces the city of Seoul again.

The sun continues to illuminate his face and Kai saw how Kyungsoo’s emotions changes from sadness to some kind of a bliss. Something he doesn’t really know how to feel.

“Isn’t someone like that worth being fond of?”

And Kai doesn’t really know how to answer. He never had someone like that before. Someone who would stay, someone who would care, someone who would treasure him. So with eyes downcast, he instead nods his head. He had been alone for as long as he can remember and he is used to not needing anyone else. But he knows that if there is someone he would like this much, want to treasure this much, and need that much, he surely would not push him away. He would make sure that person stays by his side forever.

But Kyungsoo wanted to and he doesn’t see what reason there is to push away something or someone you need.

“Why would you push him away if you needed him?”

It was just his thoughts. And he wasn’t aware that he had been thinking loudly until Kyungsoo looks at him with a smile as if agreeing that he, really, is an idiot for thinking like that.

Kyungsoo lets out a deep, shaky, sigh as if he’s about to say something very painful.

And maybe he was right.

This was something painful to Kyungsoo.

“Because I need him so badly that the thought of him eventually leaving me scared me so much. You see, I’m scared of being left so I thought it’d be better to shove him away before he decides to leave me because I know it would break me down to pieces. I’d rather have them leave me when I’m ready than to suddenly find myself left alone by the person I needed the most.”

It was one of the most painful things in Kyungsoo’s life. His past was painful. It was something he is not proud of and could never have the strength to tell others. But right now, with this person sitting beside him and listening to him, he finds himself letting it all out. Everything he’d been keeping inside, everything that he couldn’t have the courage to talk about even to his best friend.

“My mom...”

Kai hears those words as if Kyungsoo has never said it before. His voice was shaky and quiet but he can see and hear the pain clearly.

He wants to stop Kyungsoo because he didn’t really need to talk to him about this. He isn’t supposed to care. He isn’t supposed to know things that won’t matter to him. But Kyungsoo does. Right now, everything that matters to him is Kyungsoo. He doesn’t understand why and when this all started but it is there and he knows it very much and it confuses him. Kyungsoo confuses him but he lets himself be confused. Because this is Kyungsoo and everything he has to offer is not something Kai is willing to ignore anymore.

So he keeps quiet and listens.

“...She died giving birth to me...”

Kyungsoo looks up to Kai with glassy eyes, as if getting himself ready to be blamed, to be called a murderer, to be told that he was terrible for killing his own mother. But Kai didn’t. Instead, he looks to him with such comforting eyes as if telling him it’s okay.

“Because of that, I’ve been trying to run away. I... I couldn’t take the weight off me. I couldn’t take the guilt. Even more so that my father treasures me too much and it’s too overwhelming. I feel like all of the things he was giving me comes back to hit me with guilt because I took away the only person my own father loved. I was running away from the guilt, Jongin. It was the guilt.”

He didn’t look at Kai in the eyes. Instead, he looks down to his empty mug and fiddle with its handle, tracing its tip with his index finger so slowly that Kai gets taken away staring at what he is doing.

“I wanted to grow up and stay away from home because I couldn’t take the guilt of seeing my father trying to look happy just for me, but I can see right through his lies. I know very well that he misses her and I thought it’d be better for him not see the living reason why the person he loved left him. I pushed him and everyone else away. When I got a job, I decided to move away and not look back again. I left my own father alone. After all he did for me. In the end I left him and never looked back. It was Luhan who always reminded me that there’s still a place called home I could return to. Him and my father.”

Kai sees the tears b in Kyungsoo’s eyes when he lifts his gaze to him. He had to stop himself from reaching out to hold the latter’s small hand and tell him it’s okay because he doesn’t even know if it is really alright. When Kyungsoo is hurting like this, is it really alright?

He never had the need to comfort someone like this before. If he needs to comfort someone, a few lustful touches would suffice, but this is different because this is Kyungsoo and—

“Wouldn’t you treasure someone like that?”

His words, unlike the usual, aren’t well-thought of.

“I...I don’t know...”

Kyungsoo tilts his head a little to the right while giving him a confused look and he feels a little flushed because how can he not know the answer to such a simple question?

“I think so...yes.”

The confused look on Kyungsoo’s face doesn’t fade away and all he wants is to not make the other think he is stupid.

Excuses.

“I never had something called home with other people with...”

And Kyungsoo gets more confused.

“You mean...?”

“I don’t remember how my supposed parents look like. All I remember was my father dying when he got into an accident...”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen. The other's voice was platonic.

…and his heart sank all the way down to his feet.

 “You mean you’re…?” He could only whisper, his eyes searching for an answer from the taller.

“An orphan?” Kai chuckles and clamps his hands together while leaning on top of the counter. 

But Kyungsoo stays silent.

"Technically, yes. People say I'm an orphan but I don't really consider myself one." He pauses to look at Kyungsoo but decides to quickly look away because of the look on Kyungsoo's face.

He tries to play it cool.

"I don't need anyone. I grew up just fine and even better than others who grew up with their parents. I think I would better off on my own than actually have someone bothering me. I'm fine alone..."

"You..."

And he stiffens from how broken Kyungsoo's voice sounded like. He didn't want to look back to him because he doesn't want to see what he might see.

"You've been hurting on your own..."

But Kyungsoo’s voice was so broken and he doesn't want to see him crying only because of him. He is too irrelevant for someone like Kyungsoo to cry for.

"I..." Kyungsoo's eyes were wavering, wringing his hands together as he speak in a shaky voice.

"I have Luhan but you..."

There. Luhan again.

Kai looks at Kyungsoo and was taken aback by the look on the latter’s face and the tears that continue to spill from his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

Kyungsoo asks for forgiveness because life has been so cruel to Jongin. And he had been in pain all this time on his own while he, on the other hand, pushed away the people and everything the other couldn't have. A family.

"I'm so sorry..." His eyes were downcast, his eyelashes glints with mirths of tears.

Kai could not stop himself when he reaches out to wipe away Kyungsoo's tears, making the other flinch and look up to him. But he doesn't stop because the tears continued to flow.

Their eyes finally met.

"Don't be... don't be sorry..."

[kai]

How can someone feel so much pain and cry for something they didn’t experience? How can could you care so much about someone you barely know?    

[kyungsoo]

How can someone be in so much pain and still keep himself together like this? How painful is it? 

Words are left unsaid. 

But maybe they will say it out loud someday.

When the right time comes.

The rest of the morning is spent talking about their lives to enlighten the mood. Jongin, for once, told someone about his life. The life he was never proud of. Most of what he said were true, except for some parts...

“I work in a small paper company... second assistant of the manager...”

Lies.

Kyungsoo nods his head.

“Oh no, I didn’t stay up all night. My work is only part-time. I’m like a freelancer there. Only comes when needed.”

Lies again.

Kyungsoo’s lips forms a perfect 'O' and Kai had to clench his fists tightly to stop himself from what his hands are itching to do.

“No I’m not tired at all. My boss didn’t make me do a lot of paper work since his full-time assistant is already back”

Another lie.

Kyungsoo smiles in relief.

But the only truth in his words was when he accepted Kyungsoo’s offer to have breakfast with him since it’s already past 7 o’clock in the morning and Kyungsoo reasoned that he cooked a lot anyway. He was more than glad to accept the offer.

And he, for the first time since he can remember, complimented someone's cooking.

“Your cooking is really delicious,” he says after having a breakfast with Kyungsoo on his small dining table, their knees touching, and eyes connected.

Kyungsoo, this time, doesn’t look away and instead smiles. That heart-shaped smile that has Jongin staring at as his own lips curves up too into a smile.

He decided he likes Kyungsoo’s smile.

A lot.

___________________

A  u t h o r ' s  N o t e:

I don't even want to begin to complain about my ty  laptop and some of its keys, especially the space bar, not working. I'm so tired complaining.

I have always thought summer classes are easy. Boy was I wrong. I'm falling behind. I need to catch up on our lessons. Thus the late updates. I hope you understand. U___U 

I had to cut this into two parts because I need to study.  /sigh

Thank you for staying with this story all this time. I'm sorry if I disappoint you.

All I want is for you to treat me like I treat you. Is it that hard? Why do you keep hurting me?