“Daesung, I need to talk to you. Please, talk to me?”

The message was sent to Daesung at 10:30 in the morning, it was now five 'o'clock in the afternoon. Daesung sat wondering what Youngbae could have wanted. He was unsure as to what Youngbae could have wanted, it was obviously important. Daesung it wasn't anything too bad, he had just spoken to Youngbae yesterday and it seemed like he was okay.

He walked out of his dorm and headed to Youngbae. Once he got to the door he took a deep breath and entered, “Youngbae?” Daesung wondered what could have happened between yesterday and today, why Youngbae had suddenly decided to call him. He had acted like everything was fine, but obviously everything was not. Daesung quickly spotted Youngbae sitting on the floor and wondered what in the world he was doing. He knelt in front of him and lifted up his chin, “Youngbae?”

Youngbae's eyes met Daesung's, they were blank and it seemed like he had been thinking about something for a while, “What took you so long? I waited, and you didn't come, so I just, sat here and waited some more.”

Daesung was a bit guilty, he had slept late and then didn't check his phone for the longest time. “I'm sorry, I didn't see it. What happened Youngbae?”

“I lied to you, I'm not happy. I don't feel too good about myself, I don't why I've waited to feel this way now, but I do and I don't know what to do.”

Daesung didn't know what was wrong, to him this had come out of nowhere and he didn't know what made Youngbae feel this way. Did it have something to with him? He hoped not because he had thought everything was resolved and if everything wasn't then what was he to do?

He didn't want to speak, he was embarrassed, and now that Daesung was here, he too didn't know what to do. He had called him thinking that he could help, but now that he was here Youngbae didn't think Daesung would be of much help to him. He saw Daesung shift and he let out a helpless whimper, because even though he had no idea what to say to Daesung the last thing he wanted was for him to leave.

“Youngbae I'm not going anywhere.”

“Yes you are, you have someone to go to. You can't keep him waiting.”

Daesung did not miss the emphasis Youngbae had put on the word him and it only confirmed his fears. This was about him and he was wrong when he thought things would be okay without a proper conversation about everything. When he had started going to therapy he had stopped talking to Youngbae and now he knew that that was a bad idea. They had only had a brief conversation about everything and that was another mistake.

“Do you, do you resent me?”

“No.”

“Do you resent Seunghyun?” Daesung held his breath for the words that he knew he would hear.

“Yes, I do.”

“Why?”

“Because of him everything is different and I'm jealous and tired and I'm lonely. I'm lonely and the lonelier I get the more empty I feel. There is only so much happiness I can take that's bubbling around me, everyone has someone to love, someone to hold and who do I have? If I'm not needed then what is the point for me even being on this earth?”

Daesung's breath hitched, “Don't talk about yourself like that, I need you. I need you to be here and be my friend. Please don't scare me with that type of talk.”

“You're happy without me, you found what you were looking for.” he quickly moved out of Daesung's arms and crawled to the other side of the room, “Just go, I'm not needed, you've used me and now you don't need me anymore.” Youngbae had thought that he wasn't a jealous person, he had thought himself understanding, but he guessed he was wrong. Because now that Daesung had truly chosen his path, envy was evident in his voice, envy and pain.

“I've used you.” Daesung was speaking more to himself than Youngbae, it was time that he resolved all his relationships, not the just the one with Seunghyun. He and Seunghyun both had done wrong in their relationship and they had come to terms with it together, but he and Youngbae were different. He had undoubtedly used Youngbae for his own needs and now it seemed like he left him out in the cold and that was something he wasn't trying to do.

Daesung had not wanted it to end like this, he wanted everything to be okay. He wanted to keep his friends and his love interest and when the year ended he wanted to be sure that everyone he knows and loves would still be by his side. Daesung looked at Youngbae and wished that he could say sorry and everything would be okay, that he could take everything back and keep from hurting the people he loved in the process.

“Youngbae let's talk about this. I'm sorry, you have to understand that I didn't mean anything that I've done. I thought you were okay and I'm a horrible friend for not seeing that you were not okay. I feel so stupid for talking to you and ignoring any signs that you may have given me, I'm sorry. Can't we talk about this?”

Youngbae was not facing Daesung, he did not acknowledge any of the words that Daesung had said and stared at the wall blankly reminiscing on what he had once been and what he was now. He had become emotionally dependent on Daesung and he was trying to figure out when that could have happened. Was it before they had explored past the boundaries of friendship, after? Daesung was not the only one who thought Youngbae was okay, Youngbae had thought he was okay too. He had thought that giving Daesung the go ahead with his relationship was the right thing and that he was being a good friend.

Youngbae had been sure that nothing was wrong with him, that he wasn't hurt, the he had no ill feeling towards the two, but he guessed he was wrong. He had been left with nothing but an empty room and the quiet to call his name. Youngbae blamed himself, if he had said something earlier, talked about how he was feeling, would he be in the situation he was in now? Youngbae had said he was okay and now he knew that he was lying and that he had been lying to himself.

He laughed silently thinking that his ability to even hide things from himself was appalling. Had no one really known how he was truly feeling? Was the mask he was wearing that good? Youngbae stared at his hands and wondered why he was so weak. He couldn't tell the truth to even his supposed best friend, he couldn't even commit the act of suicide because of his fear. Youngbae came down with the conclusion that he just couldn't do anything right, what was the point of being smart when all people did was use you?

Youngbae had expected girls to use him, he expected to be manipulated in doing things he didn't want to by teachers who needed his brains. It had been that way for years and he had come to terms with it, but he had never expected to be used by the people who were close to him. Youngbae had thought he had forgiven Daesung, but the difference between thinking and knowing were substantial. He had thought he was okay, he had thought he had forgiven Daesung, he knew that that was not true.

“Youngbae?” Daesung moved toward Youngbae, he had been quiet for a bit and Daesung was growing increasingly more worried as each second went by. He touched Youngbae's shoulder and looked at his face. Youngbae's eyes were not looking at Daesung, it seemed like Daesung wasn't even in the room with him, and that was also something that worried Daesung.

“Don't act like you care now.”

“I've always cared about you, you should have talked to me. Youngbae we could have talked, we could have talked.”

“We could have, yes we could have, but we didn't.” he hadn't wanted to argue when he called Daesung, but it was all coming out and he didn't know how to contain it anymore, “I feel to much right now, so many conflicting emotions.” he sighed, “I feel sad, angry, used, tired, really tired. I feel so stupid, because I'm supposed to be smart and I was supposed to see that being with you was a horrible mistake.”

Daesung didn't like the way Youngbae was talking and he wished that this could be easier, “Youngbae, I've messed up. I know I have, but I want to correct my mistakes, I want to help make things better, you just have to let me.”

“Why? So you can use me all over again? I just wanted to be with you, I wanted your friendship, I wanted you, and you took advantage of that. You took advantage of me, you knew I would trust you, that I would always give you the benefit of doubt.” Youngbae clenched his jaw, now feeling a bit betrayed. There were too many emotions that he could feel about the situation and each one seemed to pop up, one after the other. “You cheated me, you cheated on me. You used me and you went to the very person you used me for.”

“I know, and I can't be anymore sorry. I know that I was wrong to establish a relationship with you while I was going through some things. In hind sight I realize that we should have stayed just friends, but I can't take any of that back. I can only try and make up for it now.”

Youngbae looked at his hands, contemplating if he even wanted Daesung to make up for it. He had been confused for a very long time and he couldn't possibly blame all of it on Daesung. He was confused, he was sad and he didn't know what to do about it. Youngbae had hoped that he would have gotten through college without all of the drama, but it seemed that drama was to follow him to the end of the year.

Maybe if hadn't so eagerly started a relationship with Daesung, maybe if hadn't been so naïve, he wouldn't feel so bad about it now. Youngbae had just wanted things to go smoothly, he wanted a lot of things to have worked out, but none had went his way. The fact that he was even here talking to Daesung like this, meant that something was wrong but he didn't know how to fix it. He didn't know how to forgive, and maybe that was just a problem with young adults, they seem to hold onto things for so long till it's too late.

Youngbae had thought that he had forgiven Daesung, but that obviously wasn't the truth. He couldn't look at him properly without thinking about the things that he did, and he didn't even know the full extent of it. Daesung had only ever vaguely told him about what had happened between him and Seunghyun. “Tell me, when we were together. How many times were you with Seunghyun?”

Youngbae had never asked Daesung this before and Daesung wasn't sure that he wanted to answer that question because it was more than once and he was sure that it would only hurt Youngbae more, “I don't remember.” it wasn't like he had counted how many times he had been with Seunghyun, how many times he had lied.

“It was more than twice right? Three times maybe? Four?”

“I don't know Youngbae. I don't know.”

“Than tell me, what did you do? You said that you only ever kissed, was that it?”

“We only kissed,that's all we ever did.”

“Would you have done more if you had the chance?”

Daesung was keen to remember the time that they had almost gone farther if not interrupted by Youngbae. He knew then that they would have had if they had time, “Yes, we would have.” the temptation to lie, but he had lied to many times to Youngbae and he wouldn't do it anymore.

Youngbae swallowed, he stood up, he couldn't continue this conversation anymore. He went to open his door and motioned for Daesung to leave, “If I don't get to you sometime this week then I might not ever do it. Next week I'll be taking my diploma and getting out of here, bye Daesung. If I don't see you, then we can move on right?”

Daesung didn't know what to say, whether he should leave and leave it as it is. Or if he should stay and try to make up with Youngbae swirled around in his head for a few seconds before he made his decision, “Youngbae, if you're leaving then I don't want to walk out this door without knowing that we're cool.”

“We're cool.”

That was not the truth and both of them knew this. Daesung couldn't take a step outside that door without knowing that he and Youngbae were okay. Or at least that they were on their way to being okay, “Don't leave it like this. If I walk out this door, will you contact me?”

“I don't know Daesung.” Youngbae had wanted a lot of things, but he was willing to settle with none of things if he had to. If it would help him forget, he would give up.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“That would be ideal.”

Daesung hoped that Youngbae only needed time and that he would take the opportunity to talk to him later. He didn't want to see him leave without anything being resolved. They had once had a close relationship and Daesung didn't want what they had to truly be forgotten, but he would respect Youngbae's wishes and leave for now, “Okay Youngbae, but before you leave I want to see you. Can you promise me that?”

“We'll see.” he waved Daesung off and closed the door behind him. Things didn't really go as he had planned, calling him, asking him to talk. What h wanted to was to discuss some things about his departure, he had wanted to say that he had valued their friendship over the years and that one day they might be up in the future like old times, but the longer he waited for Daesung, the more he dwelled on the bad times and realized that he may have not forgiven him.

Youngbae was sure that what he needed to do was find himself, then maybe he would see Daesung again, but he knew it wasn't going to be soon and that didn't bother him. All he had to do now is pack and wait for the day that he would leave this school and figure out what he needed to do with his life. College may have prepared him for the profession he had studied for, but it did not prepare him for life's lessons. He was unaware that he was supposed to learn the himself.

Daesung walked back to his dorm feeling like he had just gotten a reality check. What he wanted to do was to go back and talk to Youngbae some more, but e knew it was futile. Youngbae needed to make some decisions on his own and he would respect that, as hard as it was to just leave it how it is though. He opened the door seeing Seunghyun and automatically going into his arms.

Seunghyun was surprised to see Daesung, he was about to call and ask where he was but it was too late for that now as he was already here and on his arms. He brushed a few strands of hair out Daesung's and wondered what was up with him, “Daesung, what's wrong?”

“I just had a talk with Youngbae, he says he's leaving.”

“Leaving, where?”

“I don't know. He said that he was getting his diploma next week and leaving after that.”

“Are you upset that he's leaving early? You still have tome to talk to him.”

Daesung shook his head knowing that very well could have been the last conversation that he would have with Youngbae, “No, I don't think I'll be able to talk to him again. He's upset with me and I don't think he wants to make up.”

Seunghyun had guessed that there was something wrong with Youngbae, he didn't know that the problem had something to do with Daesung though, “And why is that?”

“Because I'm a horrible friend and a horrible person. Most of all I don't think we'll ever be able to be on the same terms again because I love you and because I chose you over him.”

“Do you regret choosing me now?” Seunghyun looked down at Daesung thinking that if he valued his friendship over what they had then he would have trouble coping with that. He didn't want Daesung to be upset because of their relationship and if them being together caused him pain then Seunghyun wouldn't know what to do with himself.

Daesung couldn't bring himself to regret anything. He wanted to be with Seunghyun no matter what, but he and Youngbae had once been close. Being with Seunghyun made him happy and even though he did feel bad about Youngbae, he would never leave Seunghyun. And maybe that was why he couldn't be friends with Youngbae, because he had to choose one or the other and from the beginning he had undoubtedly chosen Seunghyun, “No, I can't be without you and maybe that makes me selfish. Does it Seunghyun?”

“Sometimes you have to think about what you want and when that happens you might have to hurt others for something that will truly make you happy. You can't please everyone, that is the downside to happiness.”

“But I want everyone to be happy.”

“Youngbae has to find what makes him happy himself, you can't do that for him.”

“And what if I am what makes him happy?” Daesung knew that Youngbae had wanted things to be how they were before and that included wanting him, but Daesung as unsure of Youngbae still wanted that now.

Seunghyun sighed and took Daesung's handing, guiding him to sit on the bed with him, “No, that can't be true because you are my happiness. Youngbae is just going to have to find somebody else.”

“Me and Youngbae can't be friends can we?”

Seunghyun didn't really have the answer for that, “It depends on Youngbae, I can't give you an answer.”

“Seunghyun I don't want to lose him, like I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose either of you or have to choose.”

Seunghyun laid Daesung's head on his chest and ran his fingers through his hair. Seunghyun knew it was hard, but life was full of hard choices and Daesung was going to have to let Youngbae go and figure out his life. Even though it hurt now Seunghyun was sure that Daesung would be able to realize that letting Youngbae go would be good choice, “I know it hurts, but maybe letting him go and find his path is a good thing. Maybe all he needs to do is think, I'm sure he's confused right now and he needs time alone so think that all of it is a bad thing. Youngbae is a smart guy, he'll figure it out.”

“Then why do I feel so bad if it's a good thing? Why do I feel like it's all my fault this is happening?”

“Everyone has played their part, it's not as much your fault as it mine. In a way we have all played our hand in this and this is the outcome.”

“I hurt him Seunghyun.”

“And so did I. Who is more to blame? I pursued you even though I knew you were taken and Youngbae knew what I was doing and in a a way he let it happen, so who is more to blame?”

Daesung swallowed back the lump in his throat, “I don't know.”

“No one Daesung. Love, don't beat yourself up about this, I don't want to see you upset.”

“What if he never forgives me, what if today is the last day that I see him?”

Seunghyun looked at Daesung and realized that Daesung was going to need time as well to stop feeling this way. He couldn't make him see that he can't make everyone happy, Seunghyun wished that everyone could be but that was just not how life worked. If Youngbae didn't want to speak to him then so be it, Seunghyun thought that Youngbae would be making a mistake in leaving his relationship with Daesung the way it is. He knew that Daesung had done some wrong, but if Youngbae would not forgive than Daesung would have to deal with it.

Maybe Seunghyun was being a bit insensitive, but to him Daesung was the most precious thing in the world. So if Youngbae wanted to leave him Seunghyun thought tat was absurd. Life was all about forgiving and forgetting and going through good and bad times, Seunghyun and Daesung had forgiven each other, so why couldn't Youngbae do the same? “If today is the last time you see him then all I can tell is you is that you just have to move on from this.”

“Move on? You don't understand, what if this happened between you and Seungri? How close are you?” Daesung furrowed his eyebrows thinking that Seunghyun didn't understand how bad he felt. It may not have seemed like it, but he and Youngbae had gone way back. He wasn't just giving up a friend, they were supposed to be best friends. Youngbae knows all hi secrets, all the things he had gone through since middle school, they were supposed to be extremely close. Daesung couldn't help but feel like it was his fault for everything, like he should have kept his mouth shut and things would have turned out differently.

Seunghyun thought about the situation happening between him and Seungri and he was sure that it could have happened. He took a deep breath thinking that he would be upset and maybe he would have cried for him if he decided to give up their friendship, “If it was me and Seungri I would probably feel the same way.”

“Then you can't tell me that I should just move on.”

“I'm not saying that it's going to be easy Daesung. I'm just saying that if it's what he wants...”

Daesung huffed irritatedly, “I need to think about this. I need air.”

“Daesung?”

Daesung stood up walking out the door and leaving Seunghyun alone. Seunghyun frowned, thinking that he tried to give Daesung good advice. He wasn't a professional at this and it wasn't like he could and tell Daesung what he wanted to hear without thinking that would be a bad idea. Daesung probably did need to get some fresh air to clear his head but Seunghyun hoped that Daesung would be able to come around and listen to him.

He didn't know who was right in this. Daesung had a right to try and preserve his friendship with Youngbae, but Youngbae had a right to end it if he wanted. Seunghyun couldn't really help Daesung as much as he wanted to without knowing what Youngbae was thinking and what he wanted to do. He could only give one sided advice and unfortunately that obviously wasn't enough for Daesung.

Seunghyun wished he could be of more help, he didn't like seeing Daesung upset. Though he knew that all they needed was time and a bit of talking. If they were as close as Daesung said, then they should be able to get through whatever they're going through.

Daesung knew that walking out wasn't really a good way to resolve things and that Seunghyun was trying the best he could, but hearing that he should just move on wasn't something he wanted to hear. He wanted Seunghyun to say something like it's going to be okay and he'll come around before you know. Even though Daesung knew that wasn't true he would have still liked to hear that, even if Seunghyun didn't believe it himself.

Daesung sat at a bench, looking at the freshmen. They reminded him of when he and Youngbae had been freshmen, they were so close then. It seemed like this year was full a whole bunch of crap that had ruined or brought together relationships. Daesung was tired of the drama and now that he thought about it, he did want to move on, but not without Youngbae. What he wanted to move on from was all the pain and the bad memories this year has caused and move onto new and happier memories. He was all for the happily ever after, but in the real world happily ever after didn't exist.

He sighed, thinking that when the year ended for him, he was going to make the next years full of happiness, and if he could only achieve that with Seunghyun by his side then he would have to do just that. 

>>>>>>

Hi. (waves)