DARA

There was not a dry eye in the audience when she finished. Her parents never looked prouder of her, crying hard. I was proud of her too and I was also busy wiping my tears. I turned to look at Ji who was also wiping away tears.

After the ceremonies, Bom, Ji and I took a picture together. Bom was in the middle between Ji and I with her arms over our shoulders. We never looked so happy than at that time. It was a happy memory that I would always cherish.

The day of her surgery was dawning. She was looking longingly at her long locks but she knew she had to part with it. She insisted that I be the one to cut it and shave her head.

It was one of the biggest favors she ever asked me to do next to telling Ji about her sickness. Bom has always been known for her long flowing hair and I almost didn’t have the heart to cut it when she reminded me of my promise to see her through til the end.

So I cut her hair and shaved her head. We then donated her hair to a charity that makes wigs for chemo patients.

She made fun of herself saying she looked like an alien, telling Ji not to look. But Ji said she still looked beautiful. I’m not even jealous because she was even without hair.

It was summer again, the day of her surgery.

As we were waiting, Bom talked to us one by one. First with Ji, then her parents, last was me.

While standing outside her room as Bom talked with her parents, I was left to wait with Ji. I was curious what Bom told him but I felt it was inappropriate to ask. I was mulling over this when Ji first spoke.

“Do you think Bom will be fine?” Ji asked.

“I don’t think rather I believe. I believe because I love her” I said.

“Yeah me too.” he said.

A minute passed before he asked me again. “How about you?”

“I’m okay.” I said, giving him a small smile.  I don’t know what to say really. I haven’t given a thought of what will happen to me in the future. My thoughts are preoccupied with Bom, that thinking for myself came second.

He was silent again before he asked me another question. “How about us?”

Us? I haven’t thought about us in a while. Although nothing has changed my feelings for him, I’m not sure of what he feels for me anymore. And I don’t want to encourage any feelings he has for me left. Bom needs him more.

I turned to look at him and he had an expectant look in his face.

I don’t know how to break it to him that I don’t think there could be an us, not in this lifetime nor in this universe. But maybe in a parallel universe, there exists us.

Still a side of me feels like whatever happens, we’ll be doing alright.

“We’ll be fine” I said.

I believe because I love him.

Then it was my turn. I sat beside Bom’s bed holding her hand.

“Dar, promise me you won’t cry if I’m gone, arasso?” Bom said.

“No Bommie, don’t think that way. It’s like you’re saying goodbye. You could get through this.” I said, trying to convince her to believe otherwise.

“Maybe” she said.

“You believe in miracles and that they could happen, right?” I asked her. I used to be pragmatic and occasionally pessimistic about life, but since Bom got sick I developed the guilty habit of being optimistic.

“I do and I already got my miracle. I could not ask for more. But just in case, promise me you won’t cry” she insisted.

“I’ll try, but I could cheat you know.” I said.

“I just don’t want you crying anymore because of me. I want you to be happy for me. Think of me as going on a vacation in a cornfield” Bom joked.

“Only you would joke at a time like this.” I said.

“I have too. Otherwise, I’d be bitter and angry and I don’t want to be like that. If I would die, I want to die happy” she said.

I gave her a small smile. Even in the face of death, she was hopeful and corn-crazy.

“Promise me, you’d look out for Ji and if it’s not too much, will you love him like I did?” she asked.

Words were suddenly stuck in my throat. I was feeling choked up. I don’t know how to answer her, knowing I already did and still do.

I was not able to reply because just then the nurse came and announced that it was time.

The nurse and aide wheeled her in to the OR. Her parents, Ji and I came with her.  I walked beside her holding her hand just as I promised.

As we neared the OR door, her parents hugged and kissed her, murmuring their love. Ji pecked her on the cheek, smiling wistfully at her. She turned to look at me squeezing my hand and I squeezed her hand back.

I had to let go of her hand and watched her be wheeled away into the operating room. She was smiling and waving at us, mouthing the words “I love you”.