JIYONG

Dara called me up saying she had something urgent to tell me. I wondered what news it could be that she has to talk to me personally.

Ironically, she asked to meet me at the bus stop again. Like I could forget the last time we were there, she decided to break my heart despite my pleading.

I saw her sitting on the bench as I approached. I couldn’t help but be bitter.

“So what do you want from me? You said it was urgent.” I said harshly to her, as I sat down.

“I know you haven’t forgiven me yet. But would you please believe me when I tell you I’m sorry?” she said, almost sounding pleading.

I avoided looking at her. I knew better than to just accept her apology. What would her sorry do? “Sorry doesn’t change things.” I said through gritted teeth.

“I know but forgiveness does. Why can’t you forgive me?” she asked again.

How could I forgive her for breaking my heart? Despite her iciness and all, I loved her and did what she asked me despite my better judgment. Then she would just shove me to her bestfriend. How sick is that? To top it off, I was never sure she loved me in the first place.

I ignored her and and stared into the night and the starless sky.

“I know that you’re happy with Bom. I see you smile when you’re with her.” she said.

“Am I supposed to be thankful for that?” I said heavy with sarcasm.

“I told you she loved you and she’s probably the best girlfriend there is” she said.

“I know” I admitted, sighing heavily. Bom was too perfect.

I turned to look at her meeting her brown eyes, each second I was getting drunk with her familiar scent. The scent that haunts me til now, the scent that reminds me of her.

She and vanilla are like kryptonite.

I am not sure how it happened.  We were just sitting, staring at each other then we were suddenly kissing and groping each other as if our life depended on it.

I moved my mouth on hers, hungry for her lips, not caring whether it be biting, nibbling or . I could taste blood and I’m not sure whether she’s hurt but I could not part my lips from hers. I slipped my tongue into and she responded with her own tongue playing with mine. We went on like that until the need for air overcame us.

Suddenly I was back to my senses.  Guilt consumed me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. This isn’t right.”

“No, don’t. I wanted it too. But yes, this is wrong.” She said as she caught her breath.

Awkward silence passed before she spoke up again.

“I have to tell you something about Bom. She’s sick”

I could not utter a word as she told me the things she knew about Bom’s sickness and about Bom’s plan for surgery. How could something like this happen to Bom? How could I have not known? I felt stumped and defeated.

“I’m sorry that I have to be the one to tell you. But she needs you” she said.

“Is this why you were pushing me to her?” I asked. Realizing how despite her best intentions, she has been hurting herself and me, and Bom if she ever finds out.

“Yes” she said.

“You win. I love Bom now” I said, wanting to be honest with her.

“I know” she admitted.

“I’ll never leave her and I’ll stick by her side until she gets better. I’m doing this not because it’s the right thing to do but because I want to” I said and I couldn’t help but cry.

My girlfriend could be dying.

It was the obvious choice. She needs me more, and I wanted to pay her back for loving me. And most of all, I have come to love her as well.

“I understand. I love her too and I’ll do anything for her as well” she replied, as her tears fell.

It was the first time I saw her cry. I was surprised to see this side of her. She really loved Bom.

“Well this is goodbye then” she said as she walked away.

“Wait” I said, before she could step any further.

“Did you in anytime we were together, love me even a little? I asked, not knowing what came over me as I said it. Maybe because I saw her cry, for the first time I saw some real emotion in her.

She turned to stare at me, her tears freely falling.

“I love you, Ji, more than a little. I have loved you since the first time I saw you and I loved you more when we were together. I still love you now even if it hurts me that you love my bestfriend.”

I should not have heard Dara say that.

“I love you because I know no other way but to love you”

It pains me to know that she loves me because as wrong as it may sound, I still love her. But I don’t ever want to hurt Bom, not just because she’s sick but because she’s a good person and she doesn’t deserve it.

We were both crying, staring at each other.

“But this is no longer about me loving you or the fact that I took you for granted when you loved me. It’s Bom that matters now and that we both love her”

“Goodbye Ji” she said finally walking away.

Once again, she left me behind, leaving me with the lingering scent of vanilla.

I understood what she meant. She was saying goodbye to me, forfeiting everything we had together. Reminding me that Bom was more important than our feelings for each other.

She has been trying to do the right thing all along. All my bitterness about her seemed pointless and trivial now.

If I got hurt because of what she did, how much more hurt could she be feeling? How could I call her icy and heartless, knowing she had been big-hearted and selfless all this time? How could I not forgive her?

I could never really hate her even with what she did, no matter how much she hurt me.

If anything, I only loved her more.