DARA

“I’m so happy, Dar” Bom told me, all smiles before hugging me.

“Why? What’s up?” I asked. What good news could be happening?

“It’s our 1^st monthsary tomorrow!” she announced, reminding me of the day I was so willing to forget.

“Oh! Congratulations!” I said, trying hard to smile and be happy for her.

“Ji and I will be spending the day at the amusement park. He said he got things planned. I’m so excited I could burst” she said enthusiastically.

“That’s good!” I said.

I already have an idea what Ji might have planned, knowing he did the same for me when we had our first monthsary. I wished I could be truly happy for her, but I couldn’t.

Speaking of Ji, we treat each other civilly when we’re in school pretending to be friends. But when we’re alone the two of us, we’d be as we were.

It hurts that we act this way. I was cheating the 2 people I love. I was hoping Ji would be able to forgive me when he finds out.  But I have to be strong for Bom.

Ji hasn’t told me anything of his plans. I asked him not to. The only request I asked him was that he’d be truthful to me at all times when I ask him.

Today was their day. And I’ve been feeling queasy and nauseous since I woke up. I was dreading Bom’s blow by blow account later, whether I could smile when she recounts how Ji was sweet to her.

I was waiting for Bom’s call but it didn’t come. Instead, Ji called me up, asking me to meet him.

I was waiting by bus stop where I would usually board on my way to school.

Then I saw him come looking drained and problematic.

“Dara, please tell Bom the truth.” He said.

“I can’t Ji, I’m sorry” I said, apologetic but maintaining my side.

“Don’t you see we’re only hurting each other here?” he said in frustration.

“But I don’t want to hurt Bom.” I said.

“How about me? Can you take hurting me?” he said.

I looked down, unable to meet his eyes. “I can’t”

“Then why are you so stubborn?!” he said angrily.

“Because she’s my bestfriend and I love her!” I shouted back.

“But I am your boyfriend. Don’t you love me?” he asked.

Even up to now, I haven’t confessed my feelings for him, never said I love you back at him. And now that he’s asking me directly, I’m more reluctant to say it. I can’t tell him because if I do, he’ll probably leave Bom for me.

“What? You can’t say it or you don’t?” he asked again.

I remained quiet.

“Fine, if that’s the way you want it. You told me to be honest with you, right? So here’s the deal. Bom kissed me and she told me she loved me. And I think I liked it. So don’t blame me if the way you’ve been acting makes me have these feelings for her” he said, angrily.

“Then be with her” I said.

“What? You’re just going to give me away to her?” he asked, unbelieving and offended by my words.

“Let’s break-up Ji. If you think she’s a better girlfriend than me then be with her” I said, trying to steady my voice.

I hurt him, I know, as I saw it in his eyes.

“Last chance Dara. Do you really want to break-up?” he asked, his eyes pleading.

I remained still, my expression firm and unchanging. “From now on, you and I are just friends. And Bom, she really loves you”

Seeing me look stiff and icy, his expression changed. His jaw tightened and I saw resentment in his eyes.

“Fine, I’ve always known you were icy but I couldn’t believe you are this heartless” he said before turning his back and walking away from me.

I was lying in bed already past midnight, unable to sleep. By now I have regained my tear ducts once again and the tears can’t help but flow.

I cried when Dad died, when Bom told me she was sick and now that I hurt Ji. I was fighting back the tears, the one who breaks up shouldn’t be crying.

But maybe it’s true what they say. You know you truly love someone when hurting them breaks your own heart.

Just then my phone rang, and Bom was on the line.

“What’s wrong Bom?” I asked.

“Nothing’s wrong. In fact, everything’s perfect. I know it’s late. But I can’t help but call you right away. Ji came by tonight and kissed me! It’s the first time he initiated! That’s all. Goodnight!” she happily declared, before hanging up on me.

I wasn’t heartless for wanting Bom to get her prince even when he was mine.

I wasn’t heartless when I told him to choose Bom over me.

I wasn’t heartless to take all the hurt and let Bom be happy, maybe even make him happy with her.

I wasn’t heartless for doing the right thing.

But losing Ji, I was suddenly heartless.