DARA

So here I was waiting for Ji by the bus stop, after asking him to meet me.

I couldn’t refuse Bom. She said she does not have the heart to do it, but it would be okay for someone heartless like me right?

I saw Ji approaching.

I can’t help but recall that the last time we were here I was breaking up with him. And I am definitely dreading telling him the news about Bom.

Could I break his heart again?

“So what do you want from me? You said it was urgent.” He said harshly, as he sat down.

“I know you haven’t forgiven me yet. But would you please believe me when I tell you I’m sorry?” I said.

“Sorry doesn’t change things.” He said, with gritted teeth not even looking at me.

“I know but forgiveness does. Why can’t you forgive me?” I asked.

He ignored me and was staring into the night and the starless sky.

“I know that you’re happy with Bom. I see you smile when you’re with her.” I said, tentatively.

“Am I supposed to be thankful for that?” he said bitterly.

“I told you she loved you and she’s probably the best girlfriend there is” I said, hiding my jealousy.

“I know” he said, sighing heavily.

I looked at him, painfully aware of the distressed beating of my heart.

He turned his head to stare at me with the same eyes I fell in love with.

I don’t know how it happened, but we were suddenly kissing and groping each other as if our life depended on it.

He was hungrily moving his mouth on mine, biting, nibbling, . It hurts and was pleasurable at the same time. I could taste blood but I didn’t care except for this moment and him. He slipped his tongue in seeking sweetness within my mouth and I responded with my own tongue playing with his. We parted when we could no longer hold our breath.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. This isn’t right.” he was the first to say.

“No, don’t. I wanted it too” I said, breathing heavily. “But yes, this is wrong.” I admitted guiltily.

Silence passed between us and before I could feel too awkward I decided it was time to say what I came here for.

“I have to tell you something about Bom. She’s sick” I finally said, recounting what I know about her illness and what she plans to do.

Ji listened not interrupting me, his shoulders slumped after I have finished talking, looking defeated.

“I’m sorry that I have to be the one to tell you. But she needs you” I said.

“Is this why you were pushing me to her?” he asked me, probably realizing what I’ve done.

“Yes” I said. I have no need to lie anymore.

“You win. I love Bom now” he said.

I knew it but somehow hearing it from him was like a bomb dropped directly hitting my heart. Was this how winning felt? I felt hollow.

“I know” I managed to choke out.

“I’ll never leave her and I’ll stick by her side until she gets better. I’m doing this not because it’s the right thing to do but because I want to” he said, tears streaming from his eyes.

“I understand. I love her too and I’ll do anything for her as well” I replied, feeling my own tears fall.

“Well this is goodbye then” I said as I walked away.

“Wait” he said, stopping me from stepping further. “Did you in anytime we were together, love me even a little? He asked suddenly.

I was never going to lie to him again. I turned to stare at him, my tears freely falling.

“I love you, Ji, more than a little. I have loved you since the first time I saw you and I loved you more when we were together. I still love you now even if it hurts me that you love my bestfriend.”

I saw Ji looked surprised by what I said. Did he really believe I was icy and heartless?

“I love you because I know no other way but to love you”

We were both crying while I was saying this.

I was crying for a love I have confessed too late, a love that I could no longer pursue.

Ji was probably crying because I finally confessed my feelings and maybe regretting finding out that I did love him, now that he is with Bom.

He doesn’t have to say it. I know he still loves me too. I felt it in his kiss. But I did not want to complicate our situation further.

“But this is no longer about me loving you or the fact that I took you for granted when you loved me. It’s Bom that matters now and that we both love her”

“Goodbye Ji” I said finally walking away.

It’s ironic that I was only able to say I love you, just before I said goodbye.

It’s official. I’m cursed.

How could I take away the boy my bestfriend loves….when my bestfriend could die?