DARA

I once read that the pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live.

Each day, I felt like dying but not really, alive but just barely.

But I kept with my façade, because I did not want Bom to notice. I was just grateful for each day she was alive.

Ji and I made sure that Bom’s days before the surgery were all filled with happy memories.

Each day we’d try different things: eat different meals, read new books, watch new shows, listen to various music.

Each day Ji would give her flowers. He would sing for her until she falls asleep.

I love Bom so much that my fear of losing her has temporarily numbed my pain of losing Ji.

Each day I’d write a letter to Bom, about the things I remember when we were kids and growing up.

Remember back in 1^st grade when we both got cavities after eating too much candy? I held your hand as the dentist pulled your tooth. I promised then to always your hand whenever you need me.

The summer of 2^nd grade, you started developing a weird craving for corn. Up to now, you eat everything with corn. I’m still wondering why?

I found the letter you wrote me back in 6^th grade. You were so proud you were becoming a woman after you got your menses. Imagine your shock when I told you I had mine as well. It amazes me how similar we are to each other. You must really be my sister.

On the first day of highschool, you started wearing bra instead of the usual training bra. Well, you’re just lucky that yours got bigger. Now I wonder, is that the effect of corn?

One time I wrote to her the things I’d planned for us to do once she gets better.

When you get well, I have a list of things I decided we should do.

1 backpacking- we need to see the world and learn different cultures

2 scuba diving- it’s not a bad idea to go under the sea as well

3 study photography- to document our trips

4 learn a foreign language- sounds practical

5 grow old together- I always pictured myself growing old having you around as my bestfriend. We may already have our own families then, but to me you will always be family, my sister.

If you could still think of some then tell me so we could add it to our list.

Graduation came, and Bom was valedictorian. I don’t know how I suddenly became selfless again. But I wanted Bom to have it. Second best was enough for me.

By now, the whole school knows about her sickness. Everyone applauded her as she got on stage. Even the teachers were crying as well as the other students. Everyone hushed when she started her speech.

BOM

We wish for many things in life; some for good things, some for better things, some for the best. I wished for these things too. I ate good food, read good books and wore good clothes. I practiced and got better at singing, studied and got better grades, persevered and got better results.

It’s always nice to wish for good things, better if you work for them and best that you know which to value. What I value most are the best in my life, my loved ones, without whom I would not be who I am now. It’s because of them that I am the best.

We only get to live once, but if we do it right, once is enough. Because in the end, it’s not the years in our life that count but the life in our years. This past year I have gone through life as a comet would, fleeting but brilliant. And I don’t regret a minute of it.

For someone like me who has time as an opponent, I feel lucky that life decided to make it easy for me. I am happy to say that I have lived my life the best way I could, filled only with happy memories and love from the people I care about. Because of this, the idea of dying somehow seems less sad than having lived too little.

I don’t know where life would lead us from here and how to take the next step but I believe dear Albert Einstein was a genius when he said that “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

I already consider my life a miracle.