Kind of dark, mianhae...

Ilana had been back home now five days.  She hadn't spoken a word since her return.  She'd barely slept or eaten.

Brendon had received her text and picked her up at the airport.  "I need you to pick me up outside of the arrival gate," was all she wrote.

 - "Miss!  What happened?"  He had asked upon meeting her.  Ilana's face was mostly void of color and she moved slowly as if lifeless.  She barely acknowledged his presence.

 - "Miss, where's Dr. Jihoo?  Are you sick?  What's going on?"  She didn't open or acknowledge any of his questions.  "Miss Ilana, did he hurt you in any way?"

She saw Brendon getting angry.  To this, she empathetically shook her head.  "No he didn't hurt me, I hurt him," she thought.

Brendon thankfully brought a luggage cart with him; Ilana used it to lean on.

She had no recollection of arriving at her home.  She woke in her bed, attached to the oxygen and IV, with Suzy hovering over her.  "Unnie!  What happened, do you realize your heartbeat is out of control?!"  Ilana turned her head and ignored her friend.  She had left her reason for living in Catalonia, what good was a heartbeat.  She had posted a letter before she left.  If Jihoo hadn't already called him he would find out soon enough.  She deserved their hate but she didn't think she could live knowing they hated her.  Why hadn't she guarded her heart?  She would still have her best friend.  She just wanted so desperately to be normal.  Her crime was falling in love, knowing that giving her body to a man again would be an issue.  No matter how she tried not to let it be.  Why couldn't he have just forced her when she gave him permission too?  Then she could have stayed, couldn't she?  She didn't know anymore, only that the pain in her heart was worse than her parent’s death and even her abduction.

Ilana lay in bed staring out the window with Joy curled up next to her.  Nana had drawn open the curtains earlier.  She rehashed everything in her head trying to come up with a different solution but unable to think of anything different.  Joy had not left her side since she came home, she was just like Jihoo.  She knew when she didn't feel well or was sad.  She'd been beyond both since her return.  Ilana still hadn't spoken a word all week.  She knew everyone in the house was worried but she couldn't bring herself to speak.  It was as if she'd forgotten how.  Also, what good was it to eat when she had no appetite?  In fact, when they did manage to coax her into eating she threw it right back up.  Nana brought her a pitcher of water and fresh juices throughout the day.  If she wouldn't eat, at least she would drink small bits at a time.  It was like those first few weeks on the ship, except if she slept three hours in twenty-four it was a lot.  She couldn't sleep because his face was always the first thing she saw when she closed her eyes.  Ilana realized her nightmares had come true.  She was away from him and could no longer see him and he couldn't save her.  She couldn't eat or even cry, this was her own doing.   She didn't deserve sympathy, she didn't deserve anything.  She was broken and ugly.  Jihoo had tried to put her back together again and couldn't, all that was left was for him to throw her away.  It was best she did that for him now before she hurt him more with the jagged pieces of her heart.  She was useless and didn't deserve to eat, cry, or even live.

Usually, when the house was still with Nana out doing something and Brendon running her around or picking up clients and Suzy was either working or studying, Ilana would escape the house and sit in the garden or brush the horses.  It helped ease the pain in her chest that never really went away.  She didn't really want it to completely go away, it reminded her of who she was.  Dressed in a tunic sweater and leggings and a pair of walking shoes, she carefully looked around and saw that Nana wasn't home.  Brendon must have taken her to do the weekly errands.  Suzy and Jung Min were probably in the cottage.  Bringing an empty glass to the kitchen to wash, she realized she was alone.  Carefully washing the glass and setting on the drying mat, her eyes focused on the knife block.

 - "Do it," she heard a frightening, yet compelling, voice say.  "You've been wanting this for sixteen years.  You're all alone now.  No one to rescue you."  Ilana pulled out a knife and turned the faucet on.  "You're broken, useless, not worthy of anyone's love."  The voice continued.

It was true; everything that was being said was true.  She was useless and useless to the one who made her believe she wasn't was just lying to herself.  Tears began to fall again as her hand holding the knife began to shake, placing it against her wrist under the water.

 - "No tengas miedo, pues yo estoy contigo; no temas, pues yo soy tu Dios. Yo te doy fuerzas, yo te ayudo, yo te sostengo con mi mano victoriosa (Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand)."  Ilana remembered words her Nana had told her once before but didn't put the knife down.

 - "He's never been with me," she thought stubbornly.

 - "Finish it; end it here.  It's for the best; no one will ever have to bother themselves with you again.  Just think how much happier Jihoo will be knowing that he'll never have to think of you again."

 - "Yes," she agreed with the voice.  "I'll finish it."  Sliding the knife into her skin but only managed a non-life-threatening cut; she was startled into dropping it by Jihoo's voice.

 - "Sarang!  Hajima!"

She dropped the knife and looked behind her but there was no one.

 - "Micheosseo, who would want you?"  The voice that was driving her to end it, said.

Shaking her head, she ran out of the kitchen to the garden and beyond.  What had she been about to do?  Her chest was hurting but she just kept running with no idea where she was going.  The back gate leading to the hills was unlocked and she went right past the gate.

 - "I lift up my eyes to the hills.  From where does my help come?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."

Ilana heard a soft voice as she went on blindly, sometimes running sometimes walking.  "He won't help me," Ilana continued her stubborn thoughts as she went.

 -"Don't try to understand, just believe," Jihoo had told her.

 - "Why would he help me?"

She remembered then the dream she had on her way back to New York from Los Angeles.

 - "Papi!  Cuando Dios me amó (When did God love me)?  Me dejo sola en este mundo (he left me alone in this world)."

 - "No Chiquita (little one), tuviste a Nana (you've had Nana), quien a orado por ti desde que estabas en mi vientre hasta hoy (who's prayed for you since you were in my womb until today)."  Her Mother had answered.

 - "¡Dios te envía su amor y su verdad, hija (Daughter, God will send forth his loving-kindness and his truth)!  No tengas miedo, el amor viene de Dios (Don't be afraid, love comes from God)."

"Lo intente (I tried), Mama!”  Ilana argued back.  “Dije la verdad y me deje llevar por el amor (I told the truth and I let myself get swept away by love).  Pero en el final (But in the end), termine hiriéndolo con el mismo amor que le tengo (I ended up hurting him with that same love that I have for him).  Tal y como siempre lo pensé (just like I  always thought), no puedo ser mujer completa (I can't be a whole woman)."

Ilana continued, powered by an unseen force as her chest ached, it was hard for her to breathe and she hadn't eaten or slept properly all week.  She walked and sometimes crawled her way to the top of the hill arguing with her negative thoughts, with Nana, with her parents, and with God.  Evidently having forgotten she wasn't on speaking terms with Him.

JungMin and Suzy had gone to a movie and late lunch and were now on their way back to the house.  JungMin noticed his wife slightly absent.  "Yeobo is worried over cheohyeong (sister-in-law)?  She hasn't said anything?"

 - "Not a word, she's getting weaker every day.  I don't have Jihoo Uissa's number.  After, her pneumonia incident, I never thought to need it again.  I think Nana might have it, she's been praying over a piece of paper and I just have a feeling it's his number.  The memories of home and her parents were too much and she wanted to leave early for Seoul.  And chincha, yeobo, I'm afraid to call him.  I wonder what happened."

 - "Brendon told me he heard she went through something similar when she was a teen," Min said.

 - "Ara something traumatic happened, Nana has said as much."

 - "I have a feeling nae hyeong deul know."

 - "Deh, they know something.  Remember that night on the ship; we all spent the night in her cabin, except for you and Maknae?"

 - "Deh, you said she had a severe panic attack?"

 - "Deh, KyuJong Oppa said she told them the possible cause of her depression.  That’s all he said.  She didn't think they would want anything to do with her after.  Yeobo, I've had my suspicions and it's too horrible to think about but what if she was assaulted?"

 - "Yah, you don't think Jihoo Uissa found out and rejected her?"

 - "Na have a feeling he knew already.  Why else would she agree to marry him?  She really loves him, you can tell.  Nana says she's has heard her calling him when she finally falls asleep.  Na don't think he would try anything...you know...inappropriate?"

 - "Anieyo, you should have seen how worried he was for her.  If he wanted to try something, he would have done it long ago.  Na don't think she would have been fiercely defending him if he had."

 - "Deh, Brendon did say he's asked her several times if Jihoo Uissa hurt her and she shakes her head 'no' almost desperately."

 - "Eottoke, at this rate she'll kill herself before we know anything."

 - "We'll think of something, even if we have to call Jihoo Uissa ourselves."

 - "Min!"  Suzy thought of something.  "He hasn't called her at all, Na think she has her cellphone turned off somewhere and she's not wearing her engagement ring!”  Suzy practically jumped in her seat at this realization.  “Why didn't I realized it before?  Omo!  Do you think they broke up?  But she's wearing a wedding band on her right hand?  Eottoke?"  She said again.

 - "Aish!  It doesn't make sense.  Ani, we have to wait until she's ready to talk."

 - "Yeobo, I'm really worried about her.  You haven't seen her; she just stares at the window or pets joy.  Nana says she barely eats at all.  Her heart rate has been severely irregular since she got back.  Min, she's on a path of self-destruction!"

Jung Min held his wife's hand as he drove; they were nearly back to the house.

They arrived ten minutes later to find an overly worried Nana.  Suzy had wanted to sit with Ilana for a little while so they had gone in through the house.

 - "Ay muchachos (Kids)!  Qué bueno que llegan (it's a good thing you're here), mi Niña no les ha llamado (my girl hasn't called you)?

 - "Anieyo halmoni?"  Jung Min said.  "Algo pasa (What's going on)?"

 - "Estoy preocupadísima (I'm extremely worried)!  Encontré la llave de la cocina abierta (I found the water running in the kitchen), un cuchillo en el fregadero y la puerta del jardín abierta (a knife in the sink and the garden door open).  Mi Niña no está por toda la casa (My girl is not anywhere in the house).  Brendon anda buscándola por afuera (Brendon is looking for her outside)."

JungMin gave Suzy a run down as Nana was talking way too fast for her to even attempt to pick out key phrases.  "Ilana's missing; she said something about the kitchen and a knife.  I'm not sure what that was about."

Brendon came in at that moment, "the back gate is open.  I'm going to look for her, there's definitely footsteps going to the trail leading into the hills."

 - "Brendon, she's too weak for a hike!"  Suzy exclaimed.

 - "I don't know…she knows these hills well.  No matter if she was sick or not, she always managed to go out and come back.  I'll have no choice but to take one of the horses."  He wasn't a proficient horseman but it would be the easiest way to go after her and bring her back.  "She's not...herself right now.  Anything can happen."

JungMin didn't miss the strange tone in his voice.  "I'll walk out with you.  Anae, stay with Halmoni, I'll be right back."

Suzy nodded, "come, Halmoni, let me make you some tea."  Suzy half pulled a worried Nana.

Outside, JungMin followed Brendan out to the stables.  "Arraso, what are you not saying?"

 - "Was I that obvious?"

 - "Deh.  We're her friends; Ilana is my wife's best friend."

 - "True but even best friends have secrets."

 - "But when it comes to life and death, secrets need to be revealed.  How can we help if you're not telling us everything? "

 - "The thing is, I don't know if you can help even if I told you.  I've got to reach her in time."  They were in the stable yard now.  "A year after her parent’s accident she was alone in the house and attempted to take her life."

 - "Omo!"  JungMin covered his mouth in shock.

 - "Now she was alone again, there was a knife in the kitchen sink, the water was running, and she's gone."  Brandon had already mounted.   "It just sounds...I have to go."

 - "Aish!"  An irritated and worried JungMin made his way back to the house.  "Nana, ay otro lugar en donde pueda estar (Is there anywhere else she could be)?”

Nana shook her head, not thinking of anything.  "Quizás por el Centro (maybe towards the town center)?"

 - "Arraso, I'll take the car and see if I see her."  JungMin kissed his wife.  "Call me if she comes back."

Ilana had managed to get to the top of the hill but in a lot of pain.  Her chest felt like it was going to explode and so did her head.  The cut on her wrist had at least finally clotted but it stung.  She continued walking, without direction, feeling like she was being pursued or pushed and all she could do was to keep going. She figured if she died in the hills, perhaps a mountain lion would devour her and no one would have to know.  They could just think she disappeared and never came back.  Her mind continued making ridiculous thoughts.  If she disappeared what would happen to Nana, Brendon, and the company.  She was only thinking of herself at the moment and her own pain.  She shook her head to dispel the countering thoughts and tried going back to her original plan of disappearing from everyone's life.

The pain in her chest and head was getting worse and the black dots were getting bigger.  Surprisingly for a Saturday afternoon, there was no one around.  She was already on the way downhill and she couldn't keep going.  Jihoo's worried face was suddenly in front of her and she lost her footing and slid.

A couple in their early thirties were on their way back down from the other side of the hill.  Several trails connected nearby.  "Honey, slow down," a woman said.

 - "Sorry, dear.  I just have this feeling like we need to hurry back."

 - "Well, wait for me.  I have the car keys."  She laughed.

Almost ten minutes later, they could see what looked like someone had fallen.  "Oh!  Honey!  Over there!"  The woman tapped her husband’s arm to make sure he was looking in the direction she was pointing.

 - "I see, come on.  This must be why I felt like God was telling us to hurry back."  They began walking as quickly as possible towards where Ilana lay only half-conscious.

 - "Miss, miss?"  The husband began to call Ilana as soon as they were a few steps from her.

- "Miss, are you okay?"  His wife had already crouched next to her.  "Honey!  She's really pale but I can see scrapes under the smudges of dirt on her face."

 - "I hope she didn't hit her head when she fell.  Miss?"  He was checking the back of her head to make sure she wasn't bleeding.

Ilana heard voices around her but was having a hard time reacting.  Her eyes had closed and they were too heavy to open.

 - "Miss?  It's okay, you'll be fine.  Lord, you brought us here for a reason; please let us have arrived in time?"  She prayed and began wiping Ilana's face with a small towel she had in her backpack.

 - "I’m going to call 911."

Ilana heard that and that was something she absolutely didn't want.  She'd be taken right to Presbyterian Intercommunity and right back into her cousin's power.  She couldn't let that happen.

 - "Honey!  She's reacting!"

 - "Hello?"  He said to the 911 operator.  "We're off Rattlesnake Ridge in the hills.  We found a woman unconscious."

 - "Anieyo..."  Ilana was able to mumble almost inaudibly.  She hadn’t spoken since she left Barcelona and answered in the first language she could think of.

 - "Honey!"

 - "Ah!  It looks like she's reacting."  He was instructed to ask for her name.  "Miss?  What's your name?"

Ilana shook her head; the headache was still there and made it hard for her to focus.  She tried sitting up, someone helped her.

 - "Miss, can you understand me?  Please tell me your name?"

Ilana blinked, the man looked Korean?  But he was speaking in perfect English.  He was still waiting for her response, so she nodded her head, acknowledging him.  "Ilana Inmida...I mean Ilana Contreras."  She must have hit her head, not to be able to answer someone in English when they were speaking to her in English.  All the languages were mixed in her head at the moment and the one she heard the most was Suzy talking to her in Korean.

 - "Yes, she just told us her name."  He received other instructions.  "How old are you?"  Thankfully it was quiet out as he had to strain to hear her weak voice.

 - "Seamul-Yeoseot," she answered in reflex.  How many times did she say that while they were in Seoul?  "Ugh!  Twenty-six!"  She brought her hands to her head.  She felt like she was going to blackout again.  Something she couldn't afford.  "I'm fine!”  She tried to project her voice a little louder.  “Please!  I'll just go back the way I came."  She tried to stand again but her legs wouldn't work and the landscape wouldn't stay still.

 - "Here, Ilana, drink some water," the lady said.

Ilana took the bottle of water, "Th-thank you."  She had unknowingly exposed her wrist to the lady.  Her tunic was 3/4 sleeved and probably too warm for the almost eighty-degree day but Ilana had been bone-cold since her return.

 - "Ilana!  You're hurt!"  The fall had reopened the scarcely clotted wound on her wrist.

Ilana remembered what she had done before leaving the house and tried to pull back her wrist.

 - "It-It's nothing, really."  Ilana handed the lady back the water bottle with a shaking hand.

 - "Of course it is!  You have dried blood all over your sleeve and some on your shirt too and your hands."

During This time, the man had still been on the phone with 911.  "Miss Ilana, help is on the way."

Ilana panicked, "thank you but I'll be fine."  She wasn't fine but she wasn't about to chance an encounter with Juan Carlos.

The couple seemed to sense something not right.  "Ilana, I'll go with you to the hospital," the lady said.

Ilana was going to have a panic attack and could feel herself, struggling to breathe.  Taking a few breaths to try and calm herself down, she spoke again.  "Gwenchana...I'll...be fine.  I'll...call someone...to come get...me."

 - "Ilana, you're not carrying anything, how are you going to call?"  The lady called her bluff as kindly as possible.

 - "Miss Ilana, what are you running from?"

Ilana began rubbing at her chest, the pain was unbearable now.  The couple could tell something was wrong.  "Honey!  She's not well!"

 - "Miss, are you trying to hurt yourself?"

Ilana was trying to control her breathing despite the pain and panic she was feeling.  She didn't have the strength to fight off Juan Carlos at the moment.  She shook her head 'no'.

 - "Ilana dear, use my backpack as a pillow."  The woman helped Ilana lay back.  "Here comes the air ambulance, you'll be just fine."  The helipad wasn't far from where they were gathered.

Ilana shook her head 'no' again.  A few minutes later, Ilana was being bombarded with questions by the paramedics. "Miss, what's your name?"

 - "How old are you?"

 - "Where do you live?"

 - "Any allergies?"  They had already slipped an oxygen mask over her, which made breathing so much easier.

Ilana ignored their questions for the most part in order to save her strength.  Once she had sufficient oxygen running through her lungs and brain, she could speak.  "It's just...just tach...y...cardia."

The paramedic lifted an eyebrow.  "I can see that, did you leave home without your medication?"

Ilana nodded 'yes'.

 - "You're lucky these people stopped.  Did you cut yourself?"  He had checked her pulse and saw the fresh wound on her wrist.

 - "It's...it's just a...a cat scratch."  She mentally apologized to Joy.

 - "Perfectly across the veins leading to the artery?  Did you wrestle with a mountain lion?  Or were you not able to go through with your decision and just came up here to die and let a coyote or mountain lion rip you apart?”  Tears were already streaming down her face.

 - "Hey, you don't need to kick her while she's down," the lady said.  "She needs love and compassion, not scolding.  She's probably been doing enough of that to herself already."

 - "You're right Mrs. Song, it's just, it turns into an epidemic at this time of year."  The paramedic was familiar with the couple because Pastor Jonathon (aka JaeRim) Song was also the chaplain for the town's police department.

 - "Let's get you to the hospital for some tests, Miss Ilana."

Ilana shook her head.  "I'm...fine."  They had given her medication to bring down her heart rate and the oxygen.  She could make it home or call Brendon to pick her up.  She was already trying to sit up.

 - "Ilana, dear, let them take you to the hospital!"  Mrs. Song, now that Ilana knew her name, had put a gentle hand on her shoulder.

 - "I'll be fine, I can call someone to pick me up at the bottom," she said weakly.

 - "There's not a phone for another ten blocks.  Don't worry; we'll take care of you until someone comes."

Brendon had been carefully following Ilana's tracks for a good forty-five minutes when he saw the helicopter land in the distance, making his heart race.  He wasn't as familiar with the trails but had a good GPS on his phone and the horse seemed to know the terrain well.  He didn't quite arrive at the helipad before he saw the helicopter take back off.  He hurried his mount forward and since they were at the top of the Hill, he could see down in every direction.  The trails weren't busy at all; he then spotted a small group of people and headed towards them.

Once the group of three were left alone, Mrs. Song introduced herself.  "I'm SoEun or my American name is Sarah Song and my husband is JaeRim or you can call him Jonathan Song.  You can use my phone, by the way."  She handed Ilana the phone but her hands shook too much to hold it still.  "I'll dial it for you dear, what's the number?"

Ilana was trying to rack her brain for the house number or even Brendon's number.  "I-I can't think," Ilana put her hands to the side of her head.

 - "Take your time," Jonathan Song said.  "It's not far to the trailhead and we can always call when we get back down.  Here, I'll help you stand."  He extended his hand, Ilana was hesitant at first, but his smile infused warmth and confidence.

 - "Lean on me as you stand," SoEun said.  Once on foot, everything began to spin again.  "Ooh!  We got you; you're not going to fall."  They took a few tentative steps.  It was going to be a long way down at this rate.

Brendon had caught up with the hikers and pulled up behind them.  "Excuse me?!  Have you seen...?"

Ilana recognized Brendon's voice and turned.

 - "Miss Ilana!"

 - "Brendon," Ilana sighed in relief.  Another wave of dizziness hit her, whatever bit of energy she had received from the paramedic’s treatment had left her.

Brendon was already dismounting and going to her.  "What happened?"  He took in her dirt-smeared clothing as well as the bloodstains.

 - "It seems she's not feeling well and refused to be taken to the hospital.  Paramedics treated her the best that they could.  She signed a release and they left."  Jonathan spoke.  "I'm Jonathan and my wife Sarah.  She had fallen and was semi-conscious, I called the paramedics."

 - "Thank you for stopping to help her.  The entire household has been in a panic."  Brendon helped Ilana to mount.  "She's...been ill, lately."  Brendon felt he owed some explanation as to why they would be panicked over a grown woman having gone out for a hike.

 - "Then let me pray for your healing, Ilana."

 - "It...won't help, God...and I aren't on a speaking basis."  At least it had been that way since her parents died.  Could she really have been arguing with God earlier?  She couldn't answer.  Something or someone was telling her just to end it all and that frightened her the most.  She almost had.  No, she couldn't hurt her Nana or her friends like that.  If she left this world, it would have to be naturally.

 - "God's mercies are new every morning.  If you didn't talk to him yesterday, you can still talk to him today.  I can guarantee he'll listen if you really mean it."

 - "He didn't listen to me before, why would he start now?"

 - "Don't mistake 'no' for I don't love you."  Ilana was silent.  "Please Ilana, let me pray, I'm confident he hears my prayers."

Ilana was still silent, trying to wrap that last phrase around her head.  "We'll take your prayers," Brendon said.  "Thank you."

 - "Father God, your Word says the prayer of faith will heal the sick.  We come to you today in faith, asking that you heal us from every sickness, Illness, and disease.  We receive our healing by faith.  In Jesus name, Amen."

Ilana felt tears stinging her eyes.  Once composed, she said:  "thank you for your kindness today.  It seems I find it in the unlikeliest places."

 - "Don't mention it, Ilana, and I think the kindness you seem to find is exactly where you need it."

The man's smile was genuine and warm and so was hers.   It made Ilana want to cry again.  It made her think of Jihoo.

"...you made me smile that day..."

- "JanDi told me you returned my smile to me and not to lose it again, so you see, I won't lose you."

The tears came more freely as she turned her head so the couple couldn't see.

  - "Wait!"  SoEun said.  "I think there are some business cards in my backpack."  SoEun dug in a small pocket of her backpack.  She handed Ilana two cards of which she took respectfully with both hands.  "These have our cell phone numbers as well.  Call us anytime for any reason.  Sometimes you need an outside party to talk to."

 - "Th-thank you again, but...I don't...foresee myself bothering you again."

 - "Keep them, you never know.  God puts people in your life for a reason."  SoEun said confidently.  "We have services Wednesday night and Sunday, we'd love it if you came to visit one day."  The business cards were to a church.

 - "I-I'll try," Ilana responded.  Not really meaning it.  She inclined her head to them; again, out of some strange habit, she suddenly developed.  Brendon turned the horse around and headed towards home.

 - "Honey, I want to pray for Ilana again."

 - "Yes, I have a feeling we might be seeing her again.  We'll pray under better circumstances."  JaeRim & SoEun prayed again before heading back down to their car.

Arriving in the stable yard, everyone was waiting for Brendon and Ilana to arrive.  JungMin had come right back to the house when Brendon had sent him a text alerting him that he had found Ilana.  A two-hour hike on foot is less than an hour by horse.  Ilana was completely worn out upon their return.  Brendon helped her dismount and carried her to her room.  She was shaking with overexertion and possibly shock.  Suzy immediately took her vitals and noticed the cut on her wrist.  "Unnie!  What's this all about?"  Ilana didn't meet her gaze, too ashamed.  Suzy didn't miss the tears glistening in her friend's eyes.  "Unnie, please don't tell me you did this on purpose?"  Now Suzy was in danger of crying.  This was her friend, not a patient she had never met.  There was no way she could control her emotions.

 - "Mian," Ilana whispered.

Again she heard the frightening thought.  "See, all you do is cause your loved ones pain.  You should have gone through with it."

Then the soft voice, "I can lift you out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. I will set my feet on solid ground and steady as you walk along."

 - "God's mercies are new every morning," she heard Pastor Jonathon.

 - "Ugh!"  Ilana brought her hands to her ears to block out whatever it was that was talking to her.  "Suzy-ah, help."

 - "Gwenchana, Unnie, I'll get your anxiety medicine."  Thankfully all of Ilana's meds were on the nightstand, Nana and Suzy didn't have far to go if she needed anything.  After administering the medication, Suzy helped Ilana clean up and tended her scratches from the fall and the one on her wrist.  Nana had brought chicken soup and Suzy and she coaxed her into eating it.

January 4, 2015

Hunsford, England

Jihoo sat his phone on the table.  He couldn't shake the premonition that something was wrong.  He had to still his urge to get WooBin to go after her.  But she was out of his hands and in God's hands now.  He did all he could and it was time for her Him to lift her up.  "Yesu?  Wae did I just think that?  If Yesu needs to lift her up, it's because she has fallen.  Yesu na...don't know what else to pray but let her be well and bring her back to me soon."

 - "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."  Jihoo heard the voice that he was becoming more and more familiar with these days.

 - "Deh Yesu, Kansamnida for giving me your hope, Na will be patient and pray constantly.  It's the only thing that keeps me going.  Yesu knows this and that's why he has to remind me.  Forgive my impatience, Yesu.  Kansamnida for taking care of her.  Your ways are better than mine.  Ara."

Harabeoji and JanDi stayed late at the clinic on Monday's as usual.  It was always their busiest day as they weren't open on Sunday.  He had brought the mail with him to look over before bed.  He separated bills that needed to be paid and would send them to the accountant in the morning.   Occasionally, he received letters from patients with news about their lives or baby pictures.  He picked up a letter thinking it fell into that category and was surprised to see it was posted from Spain; he didn't recall any of his friends saying they were traveling there.  Opening the letter, he was surprised to see it was in English.

Harabeoji put down the letter and sighed.  It was dated a week prior and yet his Grandson had not come home or called.  Was he trying to find her?  He felt an ache in his chest that really had nothing to do with his illness, but the two kids.  How could he be angry, if he read every painful word on that page?  He could see the stains on the paper, where tears probably had fallen.

What was the story behind all this?  What pain could be so great to make one give up on love?  And yet, he gave up the love of his only Grandson for fourteen years for fear that he would look at the boy with hate for indirectly causing the death of his parents.  He could feel the girl’s self-condemnation in her words.  Whatever happened, the girl forced herself to leave thinking it was best.  Not because she truly wanted it.  At this point, he had no judgment to give.  It seemed the gods were testing the young couple's love or maybe endurance.  Surely they've been through enough.  There was more to Ilana's story he knew and perhaps that led to her flight.  He didn't feel like this was the end for his Grandson and Ilana, he would wait for the gods to reveal their plan.

Oxfordshire, England

Jihoo had been anxious again today.  He would stop; say a quick prayer and then not a few hours later go back to worrying again.  Distracting himself with the gardens at Rosings helped.  He tried to record as many details, so as to share them with his wife later.  He didn't want to forget that she was his wife.  They'd been together for less than a week, God promised him 'soon' they'd be reunited; although, he hoped it was soon in human time and not God's time.  Tomorrow was the last day of the tour and he was trying to decide what to do.  Where to go?  He didn't think Ilana had gone back to New York but prayed for confirmation.  That would also determine his steps.  His answer came late in the afternoon as he stood taking pictures of one of the symmetrical gardens.

 - "Excuse me, sir?"  A younger woman than Ilana called.

 - "Would you mind taking a picture of my Mom and me?"

Jihoo didn't mistake the Native New York accent of the young lady.

He took a few pictures for them and returned the camera to the girl.  "You’re from the states?"  He didn't know what prompted him to ask.

 - "Yeah, New York actually but not for much longer; I want to create gardens like this."  She swept her hand out.

 - "Yes, she just got her landscape architecture degree," her Mother said.  "She wants to move to California and work on the gardens at Disneyland."

 - "Yup!  I've been looking at companies that work with them.  I want to get my foot in the door and be ready for when there's an opening."

 - "Congratulations, I pray you succeed with your goals."

 - "Thank you!"

Jihoo walked away, heart beating a little faster than before.  Was that a confirmation?  He sensed it was.  Somehow knowing she was home, relieved his stress somewhat.  Whatever she was going through, she had Nana, Brendon, and Suzy to help her through.  Of course, she had them but would she use them.  Regardless, he was relieved.

That night he sat at the writing-table in his room, thinking about what he would say to her.

Jihoo closed the note app on his phone and sighed.  "Yesu, kansamnida for confirmation that she is home.  Na still pray that she is well, Yesu.  Ara, she'll be fine and I need to stop worrying.  Help me to move on, at least temporarily.  Keep me busy so I don't run after her like I want to, Yesu.  Ara, she's in your hands now and only you know the plans you have for her.  Kansamnida."

Jihoo was worn out as he lay on his bed, tempted to sleep.  Unfortunately, there wasn't time for that.  Having written the resignation letters on his laptop, during the flight, he needed to print and deliver them.  Seeing all their acquaintances and friends was going to be uncomfortable.

Showered and refreshed, he used the perfume oil she gifted him.  He had done as she suggested and left one vial in Seoul.  Wrapping the tie she gave him around his neck as a finishing touch, he headed for the door.  At least this way he could have her near him in spirit, if not in flesh.  He couldn't help stop in front of her door.  He tried the code and was not surprised to find it worked.  He walked in and sat on the chair, remembering his first visit to her apartment when she had a migraine.  He saw the couch where she'd fallen asleep so many times with him next to her.  He was always able to soothe her fears, but this one he was bigger than them.  Tears were already running down his face.

Taking His time, he went through her room.  Smiling, he sat on her bed and picked up a stuffed animal.  They were special to her; he knew they were gifts from her friends.   He'd prepare a box of all her special things and ship it to Seoul.      Walking into her closet, he remembered her clothes always had a hint of a lavender scent.  Her entire closet had the scent.  He swept the corner of a shelf and was rewarded when his fingers touched a rough cloth.  It was a sachet filled with lavender.  He put it back and walked out of the room.  Again tears fell, how many evenings did they spend talking, eating, and watching movies and him just drawing her out of her shell?  All for her to go right back in.  "Yesu, I miss her.  Deh, take me to Seoul, where Na won't have time to think of her."

 - "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

Since Jihoo had been truly reaching out to God, he was getting used to the small voice that he was never sensitive enough to hear before.  There was always a comforting word for him and it gave him the strength to keep going.  He’d have to have her apartment evacuated as well and send all her things to storage. First, he'd check with management to make sure she hasn't already told them she would be leaving.

Several hours later, Jihoo walked out of the director's office.  The meeting went well.

"I hoped your leave of absence didn't lead to our losing you.  Is there anything I can do to get you to stay?"

 - "I apologize but my mind is made up, I need to be available for my wife and also the foundation back home.  It was hard enough being in two places all these years; I can't possibly be in three."

 - "I understand, family comes first.  You've been family for the last five years and you will always have a home here.  Congratulations on your marriage.  I hope to meet the wonderful young woman who caught the solemn young Doctor."

Jihoo smiled inwardly; little did the director know he'd already met her.  "Perhaps one day."  He couldn't tell him his wife was Ilana or it could get back to her cousin.  He wanted him as far away from her away as possible.

They shook hands, the director clapped Jihoo on the arm and he walked out the door.

The next meeting on his agenda was going to be more difficult.  It was getting close to five, so thankfully Ilana's team would soon be leaving and he could avoid any awkward questions.  As luck would have it, he ran into Jaejoong first.

 - "Dude!  You're a few days early?"

 - "Ani, na had some things to discuss with the director."

 - "Yah!  I read online, about the gala.  It was a hit, Not only that but your foreign fiancé too."  Jaejoong smirked in that boyish way of his when he was excited.  He playfully punched Jihoo in the arm.

 - "Yah!"  Jihoo said a little irritated but then calmed down.  Jaejoong will always be Jaejoong.  That was part of his charm.  He had that ability to take your mind off what bothers you.  Either that or add to it.  "Yah, we need to talk later...tonight.  Are you available?"  Jihoo wanted to tell him in person he was leaving before an announcement was made.

Jaejoong sensed something was wrong.  "Gwenchana?"

 - "Let's talk later."

 - "Arraso, na will get Mr. Yoo to come for anae."

 - "Gomawoyo," Jihoo inclined his head and hurried off to speak with SungRyung.

Walking into the nurse’s station, He was soon accosted by Shancai, Abigaíl, Uee, and Somin.

 - "Dr. Jihoo!"  Abigaíl spoke first.  "You guys are back!"

 - "Is Ilana home?"  Uee asked.  "We should go visit after work.

 - "Oh…Dr. Jihoo, we saw your pictures of the gala!  She looked amazing."  Shancai said.

 - "Yeoja!  Aish!  Let the man through," ShiYoon laughed at them.

 - "Yes, ladies, please do let Dr. Jihoo through," SungRyung came out of her office as soon as the commotion began.

 - "Ah, a word with you Noona, if I can."

 - "Of course, we can talk in my office."

In the meantime the shift was almost over, so SungRyung's team and Somin were chatting up a storm.

 - "That Dr. Jihoo has always been a workaholic," Somin said.  "I'd think he'd spend the last few days of leave with his fiancé."

 - "Something probably came up with one of his patients," Abigaíl said.  She'd been too busy with her nausea still at sixteen weeks pregnant to worry about Jihoo and Ilana.  They were so happy when they left, she praised God and left it at that never thinking anything more about it.

Jaejoong came up to his wife at that moment.  "Anae," he took Abigail's hand.  "Mianhae, something came up and I'll be staying behind.  I've called Yoo to pick you up."  Abigaíl looked at him with disappointment.  "Ah Jagi, don't look at me like that."  He knew she didn't want to be alone in the large house, with just Isabel.  His parents had already left for Seoul.  "I'll make it up to you when I get home," he whispered to her.

 - "Dr. Jaejoong!"  She said in her Mom's tone of voice, as her face flushed prettily.

He loved flirting with his wife.  Who knew being married could be so satisfying.

 - "Dr. Jaejoong, stop harassing your anae," Uee teased.  It wasn't uncommon for the newlyweds, soon to have a baby, to be the brunt of shameless teasing and joking.  Jaejoong didn't mind in the least but his wife wasn't used to being the center of attention.

Jaejoong laughed.  "That would take all the fun out of seeing my perfectly composed ex-admin blush."

 - "It's time to go, I'm going to log out," Abigaíl tried to stop the teasing.  If she didn't, they would keep going.

 - "Ara, jagi, I'll walk out with you."

 - "See you guys tomorrow," Abigaíl said.

 - "Good night!"  The others called back.

SungRyung closed the door, last time Dr. Jihoo wanted a word with her, he was planning on stealing her staff member for a month.  Not to mention, they've both been heavily on her mind; therefore, in her prayers these last few days.

 - "Jihoo, dear, what can I do for you?"  She dropped the formality, sensing this was a personal visit, despite the suit he wore.

 - "Mianhae, Noona, Na came to give you this."  He took the envelope from within his jacket pocket and handed it to her.

 - "What is this?"  She took the resignation letter and read it, completely shocked.  "Jihoo, what is the meaning of this?  And why is Ilana not here to give it to me herself?"

 - "Mianhae Noona, we have to leave the hospital."

 - "Dr. Jihoo," she slipped into the Noona role, which she's never had to use with him.  "What are you not telling me?"

 - "Na registered Ilana as my wife, while we were in Seoul."

 - "So sudden?"  SungRyung was shocked.  They’d only just gotten engaged when they left.

 - "Deh, it was sudden, hajiman, we were there and Na...thought it was the perfect opportunity."

SungRyung didn't miss the pause after 'I'.  She studied his poker face, despite that he looked tired.  He made the commute to and from Seoul every month.  It couldn't be jet lag.  "Chukahae!"  She smiled but then looked at him worriedly.  "Forgive me but you look worn out," she said bluntly.  "You two have been in my prayers since you left but you've been heavy on my heart this past week or more.  It's not my business but I care for everyone here.  I rejoice in their happiness and mourn in their sorrows.  How can I pray for Ilana and you?"

 - "Na...have been doing a lot of praying lately," he looked at a spot just behind her for a second.  Once trusting himself to face her, he returned to meet her concerned gaze.  "That's what has prompted me to return to Seoul."

 - "With Ilana."

 - "Deh, eventually."

 - "Jihoo, I'm sorry dear, I'm not following you."

 - "Something came up and she had to return to Los Angeles."

 - "Oh?  So you'll be going to Los Angeles with her?"

 - "Anieyo."  SungRyung caught a glimpse of emotion in his eyes before he quickly put the mask back on.  "What she needs to do there, Na cannot help her with."

 - "Jihoo, just tell me what to pray for and I will."

He half-smiled.  What could he tell her?  Peace for her?  Peace for him?  Her wellbeing?  "Delivery from oppression and darkness."  He was surprised by his response.

 - "Alright.  And strength for you?  As you wait for her to finish what she needs to do?  Am I right?"

 - "Deh Noona, kansamnida."

 - "Jihoo, anything you or Ilana need, please give me or SaengWoo a call.  A scripture, a prayer, an open ear, a meal, anything…we'll always be family."

 - "Ara, Noona.  Kansamnida again.  Once...I know where or when our official wedding will be, Na will give you a call."

 - "Of course, SaengWoo and I wouldn't miss it for the world!  I think you two are facing some trial but God has his hand on you.  You’ll see, it doesn’t feel like it now but your relationship with Him and each other will be that much stronger."

 - "Deh Noona, ara He's been at my side this entire time."

SungRyung was in danger of crying for one of her favorite people.  "When do you leave?"

 - "At the end of the week; Na want to tie up any loose ends and also have to evacuate both apartments."

 - SaengWoo and I will help.”

 - "Anieyo Noona, na can take care of it.  I'll hire movers tomorrow morning."

 - "Jihoo dear, that's a huge task, even with movers.  Gwenchana!  Many hands make work light."  She brought out her Korean, just to make him smile, she rarely spoke it.

 - "Na will think about it," Jihoo gave her a hint of a smile.

 - "Arraso dongsaeng-ah."  She sighed; her kids were all growing up, from her own son to her kids there at the hospital.

I think I'll be breaking my 'never leave a day unfinished' rule for a while.  Next chapter we'll catch back up with Ilana in Los Angeles on January 7th.  Mianhae for such a dark and heavy chapter, next one should be a little lighter.

 - Saranghae!

P.S.   I changed the title like 3 times, let me know if you come up with anything better.