March 2013

KyuJong handed the cup of tea to Ilana, who took it grateful for its warmth and something to occupy herself with. Unfortunately, her hands trembled too much to keep the cup steady. KyuJong helped her to drink. For the most part, the crying had stopped. Occasionally a stray tear or sob still escaped. For fifteen years she refused to cry and in the last few months, she thought she'd shed enough tears to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool.

She refused to look at either KyuJong or YoungSaeng. Their words were sweet but she preferred them to leave. She wanted the separation to be quick. Perhaps, she thought, it wouldn't hurt quite as much. No one had spoken or moved in some time. The tea and Ilana's own mental coaching had served to calm her trembling; of course, she now had the beginning of a headache. She tried to get up to put her cup away, but KyuJong stopped her.
- "Ilana-ssi, look at me," she refused. He put his hand on her shoulder and she flinched. "We're back to this?" He sighed. "The past can't hurt you anymore, understand? You've got a future waiting for you with endless possibilities if you want them. But you have to let go of your pain."
- "Stop talking and go away finally!" She screamed inside her head. The tears began again and she could feel her heart racing, it hurt. She knew the signs of her anxiety attacks well. She clutched her chest and leaned her head against her knees, trying to still her breathing. Both guys sprang into action seeing her condition.
- "Ilana, if I get you a sedative, will you take it? Please, I'm asking you to trust me as your friend?" She nodded her head yes. She didn't care anymore, anything to temporarily relieve the pain. YoungSaeng came with a wet towel and placed it on the back of her neck, while KyuJong called Suzie to bring a sedative injection for Ilana.

Suzie appeared in less than twenty minutes, which meant she had practically run the entire way.
- “What happened?" She said, preparing the injection. Ilana was still in the same position. YoungSaeng was rubbing her back, the towel and the gentle movements had helped. She could feel her chest starting to relax, but she hadn't said a word in the last hour.
- "It's a long story" KyuJong answered.
Suzy pulled up Ilana's sleeve in order to give her the injection.  Through it all, Ilana remained limp, numb even to the prick of the injection. The injection worked quickly, Ilana suddenly had the urge to look up at everyone. She wanted to remember that these people made her happy for a little while and she'd be forever grateful; that was the last memory she had before sleep took over.

Assuring themselves she was sound asleep, the three walked out to the verandah; out of earshot, just in case.
- "Can you guys tell me what happened here? You two look like you've been crying and Ilana looks like she was shot or something." Suzy demanded. The guys didn’t realize they had been crying as well.

 - “I feel like I've been shot," YoungSaeng said.
 - "She can't be left alone tonight. Last time it was a sprained hand, this time; who knows what can happen."

 - "I'll stay, she...she responds to me." YoungSaeng was still slightly shaken at what she revealed or actually didn't. She had left it for them to fill in the blanks.
 - "It didn't look like she was responding to either of you, and you can't stay here alone with her in this condition. Yah! Can someone tell me what's going on? She's my friend too." Suzy was starting to get upset at them.
 - "Suzy's right, I don't think it would be good for you to be by yourself, but it should be at least Saengie or me and Suzy." He turned to Suzy. "Na thought I saw signs of depression in Ilana early on. Now, I'm certain she suffers from chronic depression and she just revealed to us what most likely triggered it, or made it worse after the loss of her parents."
 - "It had to have been something horrible judging by your faces. They're almost as pale as Ilana's.
 - "You can say that..., KyuJong said. "We need to see her through this. Mollah wae her walls came back up after she confided in us."
 - “Pabo! How would you feel if your worst nightmare was exposed to near strangers? Not that good right? She probably didn’t voluntarily reveal her history, majayo?  She feels vulnerable and thinks you will think less of her for being weak." Suzy laid into them.
 - "We would never think less of her!" YoungSaeng defended.
 - "I know you wouldn't, hajiman, I'm not the one whose mind isn't thinking straight. Plus she hadn’t known us for more than three months. It's not enough time for her to really know what you're thinking."
 - "Majayo," KyuJong agreed. "More than ever we need to show her we're here for her."
 - "Since you two started this, you need to be here when she wakes up," Suzy said.
 - "Wae don't we all stay here in case she wakes up during the night. Suzy can save us if Ilana tries to kill us." YoungSaeng tried to lighten up the mood.
 - "Oppa thinks naega going to help you? Naega going to let her kill Oppa and maybe Na will join her."
KyuJong suddenly thought of HyungJun.  "One thing's for sure Maknae can't find out about this until we talk to her."

 - "He'll just cry at seeing her in this condition.” YoungSaeng agreed.
 - "He'll kill you guys for making her cry. I'll get JungMin-ssi to keep him busy in the morning."

The night passed without incident, Ilana cried out in her sleep a few times, but someone always managed to soothe her back to sleep without her waking.  Ilana woke but saw no point in either opening her eyes or getting up. Lying in bed with her eyes closed, she thought about what to do next.  "I'll leave the ship at the next port and go back to Kike in Florida." That would require flying but she thought if she flew by day, she might be able to handle it. Planning everything in her head Ilana began to get restless just laying in bed. If she was moving and busy she didn't have to think about everything.  She was ready to get up and start packing.

Opening her eyes, finally, Ilana saw the cabin was well lit by the sun.  Thinking how much she will actually miss the ship, she sat up slowly; not knowing what the impression of last night’s panic attack would be on her head.  Her eyes landed on the sleeping lump next to her and she gasped, startled at seeing Suzy.  Not wanting to wake her, she gently tried to get out of bed only to see KyuJong and YoungSaeng sound asleep on the floor. It made her smile; they looked so cute, just like two little children.  Despite everything, she would never forget them. Trying to tiptoe around them, she must have made noise or moved the bed because Suzie woke up.
- "Ilana! I’m so glad you're awake. The guys have been so worried. Are you feeling all right now?" The guys in question began to stir when they heard Suzy’s voice.
- "Ilana!” They both shouted at once.
- "Gwenchana?" YoungSaeng asked
- "I am...well, thank you. You have no need to concern yourselves over me any longer." Ilana was confused as to their presence and her defenses were up. "May I ask... the reason you are in my room?"
- "Yah..." YoungSaeng started but was stopped by KyuJong.
- "Jeogiyo, we thought Ajumma was our yeo dongsaeng, Ilana. Has Ajumma not seen her?  She looks very much like you. We've been very worried." KyuJong answered her back with the same tone.
- "Why are you here?" Ilana sighed. "If you don't want to be here, you don't have to. I'm fine really."
- "Ilana-ssi,” Suzy stepped in. "Mollahyo what happened last night, hajiman if the namja didn't want to be here, they wouldn't. Once they've decided they like you, nothing could change that opinion." Ilana stood at the door of the verandah looking out. Could she dare hope that their words are not just flowery promises?

 - "Paboya!"  YoungSaeng hugged her from behind while resting his chin on the top of her head. "Wae would we not want to be with our chingu when she needs us most?" He gently removed her hand from the door handle. She had been gripping it so tightly; her hand ached on release.
- "You...You don't hate me?" Ilana said in a small voice.
- "Is that what this is all about? Wae would Ilana think that?"

Ilana allowed herself to exhale and sink into YoungSaeng's embrace. She hadn't realized until then she'd been holding her breath.  "Because I do," she whispered.
- "Wae would we have taken care of you all this time, only to turn our backs on you over something that happened years ago and has scarred you so horribly?" KyuJong spoke.
- "Ilana-ssi," None of us would hold something like that against you,” Suzy added.

Ilana allowed herself to turn around and face them; still on guard, with tears falling, eyes weary, yet hoping, searching the faces before her for any sign of their words being less than the truth. She saw concern in their faces, sincerity, understanding, and her own pain mirrored in their eyes. This made her heart cry to see them hurting because of her. No, they spoke the truth, however she saw herself, these people didn't share her same opinion.  "I hate crying." Giving them a watery smile, she looked down, unable to look at them without crying.

- "There she is," KyuJong hugged her. "Ilana-ssi, where did you go?"
- "Yah! Don't leave me to deal with these two pabo’s by myself, again." Suzy gave her a quick hug. All four were smiling and crying when there was a knock on the door.
- "Who wants to bet its Maknae who got away from Suzy's namja chingu?"
- "What's going on in there? Princess, can you hear me?"
- "Maknae, she's still sleeping, let's go." They heard HyungJun's and Jung Min’s voices. YoungSaeng went to open the door. Maknae’s face was upset and JungMin’s was exasperated.  "He wouldn't listen to me," JungMin said simply.
- "No one told me we were meeting Princess for breakfast?" HyungJun whined. "And why does it look like you've all been crying?!” He accused. "Gwenchana, Princess?" The original four began to laugh at poor Maknae and as a much-needed release of tension.
- "Mwo?”
- "I'm fine now; HyungJun Oppa." Ilana tried to stifle a giggle.
- "Yah, what happened? Wae don't you guys tell me anything?"
- "We couldn't find Ilana for a little while. She's back now; greon there's nothing to worry about." KyuJong explained, earning more laughter from the others.
- "I don’t get it? “ Maknae complained.

Even Jung Min gave Suzy a raised eyebrow meaning, "you will tell me later."
- "I'm still under quarantine," Ilana said. "I can't go anywhere."
- "We can order in?" YoungSaeng suggested.
- "If I let you guys stay here, I want out of yesterday’s clothes and to brush my hair. You three are more than welcome to stay in pajamas, but it's my room and I get first dibs on the bathroom." Ilana quickly ran off to get fresh clothes from the closet and locked the bathroom door behind her.
- "Just why are you guys in pajamas? Maknae asked.
- "We told you, we couldn't find Ilana and we were worried so we had to search for her,” YoungSaeng explained patiently, while the other two couldn't stop laughing at their own joke.
- "You guys are hiding something from me, and I'm going to find out what it is." HyungJun hated feeling excluded just because he was the youngest of the guys.

- "Just drop it Maknae, if it was important they would have told us by now." JungMin tried to calm his friend down when he knew the opposite was true. They usually kept things from him if they knew it would upset him. At least JungMin knew his girlfriend would clue him in later.

Ilana emerged fifteen minutes later dressed, ponytail freshly combed, and face scrubbed to remove all signs of last night’s emotional struggles.
- "Feel better now?" Suzy asked.
- "Deh, gomawo, all of you." Ilana was in danger of crying again when YoungSaeng tugged her ponytail.
- "Friends take care of each other," he said.

Breakfast had been ordered and arrived five minutes later. Every sort of breakfast dish was ordered. From steaming pancakes, cinnamon French toast, potatoes, omelets and more.
- "Hungry much guys?" Ilana asked when she saw the cart heavy laden with food.
- "Nursing people back to health makes you hungry," YoungSaeng joked.
- "Ilana-ssi needs to eat to regain her strength," KyuJong smiled at her. Now that the crisis had passed, everyone had a sense of giddy relief. The joking and teasing were rampant.
- "Wait! I want a picture of all of you with the food!" Ilana ran to get her phone. "Hana, dul, set, say cheese!" Everyone made silly poses for the picture.

They all ate with enthusiasm, including Ilana. They laughed and teased and joked with each other; through it all, Ilana just smiled. "I can get used to this,” she thought. Not that her fears had left her completely, or the past no longer hurt, but at this moment, with these people, she could be at rest and happy. They found her when she was lost; laughing at their joke from earlier.
 - "Princess, you're laughing by yourself again?" HyungJun , breaking through her reverie and making her blush.
 - "I think being stuck in her room all this time might have warped her brain a little." JungMin continued where HyungJun had left off.
 - "Ani, she was pabo, to begin with; the fever just brought it out more," YoungSaeng added. Ilana endured the teasing with a smile on her face.
Suzy scolded the guys even though she too had been laughing. "Ilana, tomorrow is your first day of freedom, do you want to go into Victoria with me?"
- "Yah!" What about us?" JungMin pouted.
- "If you are off and want to go to the botanical gardens with us, you're more than welcome.”
- "Um, I think I have to work."
- "Nado." The guys all gave an excuse as to why they couldn't go.
Ilana just smiled and said: "That's too bad, that you all have to work tomorrow. I'm sure you're just so disappointed. Suzy, I would very much like the botanical gardens. I guess it's just us girls then."
- "Daeback!" Suzy gave Ilana a thumbs up.
- "You two be careful,” KyuJong admonished. “You’re going with the group from the ship, majayo?”

- “Deh, Oppa,” Suzy answered dutifully.

- “Make sure to make time for lunch,” he continued being the concerned older brother.

- “Deh, Oppa,” Ilana answered this time since he was staring right at her.

- “I can’t wait; we’ll have a great time without the namja,” Suzy teased them.

Okay, my fellow Green Peas, what's your favorite Triple S song either from the group or from their solo careers or both. Mine is Wings of the World as a group and Kim Hyun Joong's Love.