Credits: MR. LEE’s
09| Ice Cream   “Get out!!”
-J.Blige     Umma’s Thoughts When Kwon MinWoo Told Her About The Fake Engagement

Fake engagement?

No matter what happens, I’ll make it real!
SooJin can’t lose such a great catch.
I can’t believe I’ll have such a handsome and rich son in law.
The whole village will be so envious of me. HAHAHA.

SooJin, your Umma is going to help you nail this y creature!
**************   Have you ever felt beyond humiliated that you wished that Earth would part and swallow you alive? 
I was feeling just that right at the moment.
You want to know why?
My Umma was the reason why.

It was because my dear Umma was dancing like a lunatic; sprinkling her ‘holy potion’ all over the house. She kept twirling around us, muttering incoherent words while she splashed us with the dark liquid. The way she danced reminded me of the monkey in a documentary that I had watched during Science class a few years ago.

Mind you, she was even more embarrassing than the pink-haired transvestite at my village.

I watched in horror as she splashed J.Blige’s face with the dark potion after her stupid dance. Then, she twirled and sashayed towards me. I saw J.Blige wiping her face in disgust; her eyes shooting lasers at my Umma’s back. 

“Sh1t! What the hell was that?!!” J.Blige muttered angrily, shooting me a look. She went to the bathroom, probably to clean her face.

Aunt Mina gasped softly as she put a hand to cover , her eyes widened in disbelief. Meanwhile, HaNeul was busy imitating Umma’s dance from her own spot, smiling flirtatiously at Mr. Kwon while doing so. I think she thought it was y.

Unfortunately for her, only people with brain damage would find that y.

Once Umma had started with her crazy dance, y creature busied himself by looking up to the ceiling, probably for another one-on-time time with God.

I guess it was my turn to be ‘cleansed’ next when Umma reached near me. 

She flailed her arms freely, muttering something which sounded like, “Hooshah..Booka.. Hooshah,” before she tried to sprinkle my face with the potion.

That was when I decided that enough is enough.

“ENOUGH UMMA!!!” I yelled, quickly snatching the potion from her grasp.

Umma lost her balance and nearly fell down but luckily, Mr. Kwon was quick to help her steady herself. I saw Umma’s eyes twinkles when she looked up at Mr. Kwon.

“y creature,” she gushed; her face glowing. “Thank you so much, y creature.”

“Se-y c-cr-creature?” Mr. Kwon stuttered, his face beet red from embarrassment. Mr. Kwon immediately let go of Umma and cleared his throat awkwardly.

I blinked rapidly. 
Did my Umma just call him y creature to his face? But it was supposed to be my nickname for him! No one else was supposed to call him that! The nickname was exclusive only for me! Why did she think of the same nickname? I always hated it when Umma had the same thought with me.

Umma’s eyes were still glued at Mr. Kwon. 
Mr. Kwon fidgeted his legs, looking anywhere but at Umma’s piercing gaze.
I shook my head.

“Umma!!” I hollered.

I wished I didn’t do that. When Umma stopped with her staring at Mr. Kwon, she turned to look at me with so much anger that I nearly peed in my pants. If looks could kill, the glare that Umma gave me would have killed me in an instance. I guess she had remembered the part about me being ‘pregnant’ prior to the emergence of J.Blige.

“YOU!!!” it was Umma’s turn to yell. “How dare you do that to me??!!! And what was it that I heard just now? You’re PREGNANT?!!!” 

Of course, being the sane person that I was, I ran towards the dining table for protection. However, I underestimated my Umma; I didn’t know she was an Olympic runner in disguise.

She was as fast as lightning when she ran after me; she nearly got hold of the t-shirt that I was wearing.

“You’re not yet married but you’ve gotten yourself pregnant?!!!! Where did the moral values that I thought you go? How dare you let a guy get into your pants?!!!” she yelled angrily, “I thought I told you that bees should never sting before the flower is bloomed. You should know that your flower has not yet bloomed until you’re married!! YAHHHHH!!!”

Okay, about the whole bee sting thingy; it was an excerpt of my unofficial and ridiculous education from Umma when I first got my period back when I was 12. So imagine me there, a clueless young girl who thought that she might bleed to death from her while her mother kept on talking about some bees and blooming flowers; weird ual innuendo that didn’t even make sense. I was thinking about the relevance of it all and after she had ended her ‘educational talk’, I came to the conclusion that maybe I was stung by a bee while sleeping, hence the bleeding from my .

Yes, my education came from Science class. I didn’t learn a single thing about it from my mother. In fact, my mother got me even more confused.

“You no good, useless daughter!!! You think just because he’s rich and handsome... and y,” she stopped to glance at Mr. Kwon, “you can give him your precious ity? You should’ve waited until you’re really married!!!!!”

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
God, if you’re listening, just please, please, end my life right now.
Really God, I don’t even know how I can face Mr. Kwon or Aunt Mina after this.

Umma picked up a plate from the table and threw it at me. Luckily I managed to duck just in time and the plate crashed into the wall, shattered to pieces.

I heard Aunt Mina gasped loudly. 

“HELPPPPP!!!!” I yelped as I ran towards Mr. Kwon and hid behind his back. I used his body as my shield. Umma came running towards us, still looking like an angry giant. She tried to snatch me through Mr. Kwon and luckily I managed to evade each time.

“Omonim, please, remember what we talked about just now,” Mr. Kwon said calmly, holding up his palms in his attempt to stop her snatching hands, “You know, about the engagement?” he emphasized on the word.

Umma suddenly stopped her lunacy. I peeked from beside Mr. Kwon’s arm and saw that Umma looked thoughtful for a while. HaNeul came running beside her and whispered something to her ear. I wonder what my best friend was trying to brainwash her with.

“Uh-huh.. You’re right!... No, it can’t be!... Oh my God!” by this they both turned to look at Mr. Kwon, “He can’t be!... Right.. Hmm.. I think so too... Hmm.. You’re right!”

“Umma, what did she say?” I asked from behind Mr. Kwon.
“YOU KEEP QUIET! I don’t want to hear another word from you!” Umma yelled angrily.

I guess she was still pissed off.

Suddenly, Umma took a 180 degree turn and smiled warmly at Aunt Mina. “Omo, omo! Such a beautiful, elegant lady!” she said as she walked towards her. Aunt Mina blushed, “So, you’re the aunt? I’ve heard so many good, I mean, GREAT things about you. I’m so sorry that you had to witness the whole thing. Young people nowadays, their virtues are really low. I just had to educate my child. I hope you understand,” Umma said sweetly.

I rolled my eyes.
Just now she was the Incredible Hulk and suddenly she was the sweet village mother?
I didn’t know that my Umma had many faces.
Aunt Mina looked slightly startled by Umma’s sudden change as well but her frown quickly turned into a friendly smile as she shook Umma’s extended hand.

“Yeah, I’m his aunt. It’s okay, I totally understand. My father and I were shocked when we heard about their engagement and the pregnancy too. It all just happens so fast. I’m sorry that you had to find out about it from me,” Aunt Mina said.

I went out of hiding and stood beside Mr. Kwon. His jaw stiffened and he let out a deep sigh while watching Umma and Aunt Mina’s interactions.

Umma briefly glared at me before turning her attention back to Aunt Mina. HaNeul stood beside Umma, just like a secretary, beaming happily at Aunt Mina.

“You’re so pretty,” HaNeul gushed.
I rolled my eyes. I think HaNeul was trying to be nice to Aunt Mina to get closer to Mr. Kwon, that two-faced ‘best friend’!

“Aish, you!” Aunt Mina blushed in a deep shade of crimson, giggling to herself.

“Don’t worry about it, Mina,” Umma said, her voice overloading with sweetness, “I will find out sooner or lateranyway,” she said and turned to give me a glare again.

I bit my lips. Looks like Umma was going to be pissed at me for a long time for snatching the potion from her.

“My father and I had already discussed about their wedding. We would like it if it’s done as soon as possible,” she said but seeing Umma’s perplexed look, she frowned, “Didn’t they tell you that we want to meet up with you and your husband to discuss about their wedding? I thought, we’ve already told them to break the good news to both of you.”

“No, they didn’t,” Umma said sharply.

This time, both of them turned to give us death glares. 
Mr. Kwon and I gulped nervously.

“We, uh, wanted it to be.. err.. to be-” Mr. Kwon stopped in mid-sentence, obviously trying to find the right word.
“Surprise!” I finished for him, “Aren’t you surprised, Umma?” I giggled nervously.

“VERY,” Umma said meaningfully, giving me a look.

HaNeul scratched her head in confusion. “But I thought you guys said that it was only a pre-”

“ARGHHHH!!! SH1T!!! What motherf.cking thing is this!! SH1T! I’m bleeding!!!”

We were saved by J.Blige’s angry yell. She had walked onto the broken pieces of the plate that Umma had thrown just now. A sharp piece of it had pierced through the sole of her left foot. J.Blige muttered profanity words under her breath.

“Quick, HaNeul! The potion! She’s bleeding, it’s her most vulnerable time!” Umma said. Ha