“You sh1t me, I sh1t you” 
~Kim SooJin~

|01| Monday Madness


Seoul Daily, 2011-04-24

BREAKING NEWS: Seoul Superwoman Catches Snatch Thief

Passers-by were stunned when a young man was found to be tied to an electric pole wearing a card bearing the words “I’m a thief. Please kick my balls and punch my stupid face” on his chest. Some men couldn’t resist the temptation and were spotted giving him a punch or two, just like how he wanted.

According to a witness who refused to be named, the victim was indeed a thief and a young girl was the one responsible for the bizarre incident. Apparently, earlier that evening, the victim was seen running through the busy street, holding a lady’s handbag with the girl chasing after him. The chasing stopped after the girl threw her shoe at his head and the man then almost instantly fell unconscious on the street. The witness added that the girl then tied the man to the said pole, and asked everyone to give him “a kick or two or more.” She was then seen leaving the scene with the handbag.

“She is so fast and cool, just like a Superman, except that Superman is a man. She should be called Seoul Superwoman instead,” another witness, a high school girl who happened to witness the whole thing, gushed.

“Maybe it’s a Prada handbag,” another witness added. “You know, like in the advertisements, the girl chased after the guy because he stole her Prada bag. It’s just like a scene from a movie.”

The brand of the handbag, however, remained unknown.

“I think she was wearing Nike shoes. Only Nike shoes have that power to knock a man unconscious. You know, just do it,” the only guy witness of the incident said. He, however, refused to comment on whether he was working with Nike when he was spotted with a Nike staff tag hanging around his neck.

The victim, a dishevelled male in his late twenties, wearing a faded blue jean with a black shirt, was seen with pink lipstick on his lips, believed to have been put on by the mystery girl. He still appears to be in shock over what had happened. It was later disclosed by a police officer that the victim had been involved in numerous snatch theft cases around the area but the police had failed to catch him prior to this incident. When interviewed, the victim appears to be slightly manic; laughing and crying to himself once in a while and repeatedly slapping his face. The police, however, refused to comment on whether the impact of the shoe thrown by the mystery girl was the cause of his psychosis. 

Unfortunately, there is yet to be any information regarding the girl’s identity. But to the girl, we at Seoul Daily applaud you for your bravery.

Somewhat related to this news, the inquiries regarding the latest Nike shoes soar sky high after the local media covered the incident. Majority of the inquirers, mostly ladies with large, branded handbags, feel that it is time for them to defend themselves should a thief comes to snatch their handbags. 

“We need to defend ourselves. Seoul Superwoman has shown us the way,” a woman in her late thirties exclaimed proudly. “It’s time to show these thieves some girl power!” she added enthusiastically.

No official word yet from Nike representatives regarding this matter.

*Disclaimer: The writer of this article and Seoul Daily as a whole are in no way affiliated to Nike or its sister companies but we do occasionally accept free gifts.

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I used to love Mondays. 

In my village, Monday used to be the day where I would get to meet my friends at school and boast about how many eggs my chickens laid over the weekends or how many oranges I have managed to sell at the weekend morning market. Sometimes, HaNeul would brag about the weird dishes she had made that week.

My best friend is a total weirdo when it comes to cooking. I don’t know how she gets all these bizarre ideas for dishes to serve to her family. Have you ever tasted a chicken stuffed with mangoes or a strawberry mixed with cow’s innards pie?

Well, I have tasted those, thanks to HaNeul. Don’t get me started on the days that I had to spend at the local hospital for food poisoning.

Anyways, back to the whole I love Mondays thing, I was going on about it because apparently, city girl hates Mondays. My new roommate, who forced me to call her J.Blige (Real name: Lee JooYeon), told me that Mondays should be banished from the world. When I argued that if Mondays are banished, then people are just going to hate Tuesdays and the list would go on until we come back to Mondays again, J.Blige glared at me through her thick, dark-lined eyes and I immediately dropped my case.

About the J.Blige nickname, she once showed me a picture of an African American singer who goes by the name of Mary J. Blige. Now, don’t ask me why she leaves out the Mary part for I seriously don’t know and frankly, I don’t really care.

J.Blige is the typical punk girl, with pink hair, piercings everywhere, dark clothes, blood-red lips and the ‘you’re going to die if you stare at me’ look. The story of how I became her roommate was simple. She said that the old roommate killed herself (by jumping off a building) and she needed a new roommate to help pay the bills. I happened to come across her ad at the phone booth on the day that I set foot in Seoul. When I went for the ‘interview’ to be her roommate, she gave me a once over and asked directly to my face if I was ever going to kill myself. When I firmly said no, she said that I was accepted and that was how I became her roommate. 

Yes, it was that simple. 
J.Blige worked as a bartender at a small club downtown but she said that she was only going to do it temporarily. She played guitar in a band and aspired to make it big someday. Whenever she told me about her dreams, she had this dreamy look on her face and I could almost forget that she was a (scary) punk girl. You know, back in my village, people who dressed up like her would be sent to the witch doctor for some cleansing of the soul.

I forgot to add; when she opened the door to the room when we first met, I had screamed thinking that the God of the Forest had landed on Earth. It took her 2 minutes to convince me that she was, in fact, human.

To date, I have no problems living with J.Blige. She’s barely at home and whenever she is, all she does all day is sleep and eat on her bed. I think it’s going to take some time for me to be close to her. But anyways, I love the room. It was cosy enough for two people and it only costs me 100,000 won monthly, inclusive of water and electricity, which is actually cheap in Seoul’s rate. I was provided with a single bed and a study table. 

“You’re going to be rich. Oh ya ya!” the sound of my ringtone blared through the silence. It was 8am and I was at my study table, busily knitting a sweater meanwhile J.Blige was still sleeping like a bear. I didn’t have class that day and was waiting for the right time to go to y creature’s, err, I mean my boss’, house.

“Kim SooJin?” the caller, a woman, asked. “I’m Jung SooYoung. Remember me?”

I frowned, thinking hard of the name but it didn’t ring any bell.

“The woman whom you have saved from the thief?” she added, trying to help.

“Ah...” I said, feeling rather foolish for not remembering her name. After all, she was sorta the one who had introduced me to the good fortune. If not for her, I might be homeless by next week. “Yes, Miss Jung, is there anything that I can do for you? I’m a really good cook,” I boasted.

I heard her musical laughter from the other end of the line. “I’m sure you are,” she said. “Just call me SooYoung Unnie.”

“SooYoung Unnie,” I repeated.

“I heard you’ve got the job? Congratulations! I forgot to tell you that he can be quite intimidating during interviews,” SooYoung said.

Intimidating is not the word. She should have said that he can be quite angry-bull-like in interviews, that’d make more sense. I squinted when I thought back about his (y) poker face.

“He? You mean, Mr. Kwon? Oh, it was nothing,” I lied.

Suddenly I heard Umma’s voice ringing in my head. If you lie, Kim SooJin, your is going to grow to the size of a mountain. Nobody’s going to marry you!

My eyes opened wide with horror as my hand automatically went to feel my . Thank God, it hadn’t enlarged; it was still in its usual flattened size.

“You’re very good at it, then. So many people failed at the interviews while those who passed couldn’t even stand a week in hell with him but I’m sure you’ll be different. I’m going to secure this job for you since you have helped me out. I’m going to make a contract to make sure that he won’t be able to fire you like the rest. If he does, you’ll be compensated. Mark my words,” she rolled her tongue when she said ‘words’ to show how much she meant what she said.

“Uh, okay,” I said. Well, how are you supposed to answer to that? “Err, what kind of relationship do you both share?” I asked. Seeing how SooYoung was so sure about the whole contract thing, maybe she’s y creature’s girlfriend? Or sister? Or cousin?

“I’m his secretary,” she said, “The one who has dealt with all his bu