“Where did you go?”

I sighed tiredly but the question wasn’t surprising.  I knew Kyuhyun wasn’t about to let me sneak off to the room without an explanation.  I contemplated lying before deciding it wasn’t worth the effort.  I was sure Kyuhyun would figure it out anyway.

“I needed some air” I replied, carefully avoiding his eyes, “Seeing you with the princess was more difficult than I had imagined.”

Kyuhyun didn’t say anything and I glanced up in time to see him nodding, his brows furrowed in thought.  I waited a few more minutes for him to speak, but he never did.  Finally, I gave in and seated myself across from him asking,

“What are you thinking, Kyuhyun?”

He looked at me, his lips pursed as if he was deciding how to word what he was thinking.

“Oh just spit it out, it’s not like it’ll kill me” I finally huffed, annoyed at his delay.

“I just didn’t think you’d be the jealous type” he finally answered, looking at me closely.

I snorted and leaned back in the chair, closing my eyes as I answered,

“It’s not jealousy.  At least I don’t think it is.  When I think of jealousy, I think of how you are when my master gets too close.  I imagine it as a more angry and explosive emotion.  Seeing you with the princess just hurt, like an ache.”

He didn’t respond immediately, but I cracked open an eye when he muttered under his breath.

“Don’t call that prick your master.”

I chucked emotionlessly and moved to stand.

“I don’t really expect you to understand it, I barely understand it myself”

I turned away from Kyuhyun, moving towards the bathroom door when his quiet voice stopped me.

“You don’t think it hurts me too?”

I paused and turned to face him surprised when his eyes met mine searchingly.

“You don’t think it hurts like hell when I see him approach you, when I see him touch you?  It feels like my chest is on fire, I can’t even ing breathe.  And it’s so much worse because I can’t do anything about it.  I know your obligations and I know my place, so what can I do?  I get angry and I try to piss him off.  I know it’s stupid Ryeowook, how could I not know?  But I can’t seem to stop myself because that’s all I have, that’s the only thing that I know affects him even a little.”

His voice was low and strained, he didn’t shout or even raise his voice, and yet I felt like I’d been doused with icy water.  The depth of his emotion surprised me, I had no idea how much it had bothered him.  The guilt was heavy in my chest, and I cursed myself for making unfair assumptions.  For constantly privileging my feeling over Kyuhyun’s, assuming that what I was feeling and experiencing was completely unique to me.  Of course Kyuhyun was hurting, how could he not be?  How could I miss it?

He now refused to meet my eyes, stubbornly averting his gaze.

“Kyuhyun” I whispered, walking over to him and kneeling in front of his chair,

“Kyuhyun, I’m sorry.  I’m so so sorry” I apologized, looking up at him.

“Don’t kneel like that, you’re not my slave Ryeowook.  Stop it”

I shook my head, refusing to stand until he looked at me.

“I’m not kneeling because I have to.  I want you to listen to me, I want you to look at me and realize that I mean what I’m saying.”

“Okay” he muttered, tentatively meeting my eyes.

I could see that he was embarrassed, obviously uncomfortable with the amount of information he had revealed.  I didn’t blame him, I was the same.  Despite being together and despite letting each other in, it was a struggle to expose ourselves for the other to see.  We weren’t scared of the ugliness within us, that we could share.  We could parade around with our demons and our faults and our hatefulness displayed on our chest, but making ourselves vulnerable?  Leaving ourselves open to be hurt more than we had already been?  That was hell, but it was a hell that Kyuhyun had once again bravely paved the way for. 

“I’m sorry, Kyuhyun.  I’m sorry for not asking and for not listening when it’s something I don’t want to hear.  I’m good at that, shutting things out when it gets too real and it hurts too bad.  How could I have missed it?  I watch you so closely, so worried about you being in pain and then I turn around and pull this again and again.  I-I—“

Kyuhyun interrupted me as he pulled me into his arms.  I put up a weak resistance, attempting to push away so I could look at him, but he was stronger.  He held me tight against his chest and buried his face into my neck.  I stopped my half-hearted struggling when he mumbled,

“We’re so stupid, both so stupid”

I sighed and nodded,

“I know”

He let out a choked laugh and grumbled,

“What the are we even doing, Ryeowook?  I’m so ed that I don’t even know if this was a good conversation or a bad one.  Should I be mad or frustrated or sad or… or I don’t even know what?”

I didn’t answer.  I didn’t even know how I was feeling at the moment, guilty sure, but I was also scared and tired.  And yet, I was also happy, happy to be held in his arms and happy that for the time being this was possible.  I wasn’t stupid enough to think this was sustainable.  Even as I acknowledged the comfort from being enveloped by Kyuhyun’s embrace the reality hung over my head.

However, for the time being I would ignore the possibility of Kyuhyun’s engagement and I would shove away the reminder of the answer I owed my master.  For just this little bit, I would bask in the uncertainty because not knowing was better than the realizations that hovered so close.

Ha ha ha 
I'm just gonna leave this here.

But did u miss me ;P