I don’t remember how long I stood there, it seemed like mere seconds but when I looked up sun was already streaming through the windows.  I blinked slowly, still lost in a daze.

The sound of nervous footsteps finally shoved me out of my state of numb disbelief.  I looked up blankly and stared at the person who was approaching me with obvious uncertainty.  It took me a few seconds to recognize him as Donghae.

I bowed slightly and choked out a weak,

“G-good morning Lieutenant Lee”

He bowed in return and seemed less tentative as he walked up to me.  He smiled at me, but it was tight and I could see the worry in his furrowed brows.

“I wasn’t sure you would remember me” he laughed, but it sounded strained to my ears.

I simply shook my head in response not even making an attempt to smile.  We looked at each other awkwardly before both of us averted our eyes and an uncomfortable silence settled between us.  The tension was painfully palpable as we both struggled to address the elephant in the room, namely Kyuhyun.

“I-is… is he o-okay” I finally whispered in a shaky, barely audible voice.

I knew Donghae had heard me because I saw him stiffen ever so slightly.  I didn’t bother to clarify who I was talking about, it was pretty obvious.  I glanced at his face and saw him biting his lip and looking indecisive.

“P-please…” I whispered, not being able to stand the anxiety that was building in my chest.

He let out a long tired sigh and rubbed the back of his neck before he responded.

“I don’t know, but it really doesn’t look good”

I nodded slowly, letting his words sink in.  He didn’t know, he didn’t know if Kyuhyun was going to be okay.  I felt like I was going to be sick…

“H-how?” I asked, closing my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see my hands trembling.

“Ambush.  The Commander was doing a perimeter check around the base camp and a sniper was hiding in the trees.  He got shot twice, once in the chest the other in his shoulder, before he managed to kill the sniper.  I don’t even know how he found the strength to lift his bow”

I swallowed thickly when I heard the tremor in Donghae’s voice as he continued,

“The Commander… he had been rather… off.  He seemed unfocused, I had never seen him like that before.  To the common eye he appeared fine, but I could tell something was wrong.  He seemed like he wasn’t fully there… d-do you maybe know why?”

I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach, and I tried to tell myself that I couldn’t have that much of an impact on Kyuhyun.  I pretended that my words and actions could never distract Kyuhyun.  I lied to myself and to Donghae.

“N-no… I can’t think of anything”

“You stopped going to training with him…” he said softly, his eyes locked on mine.

I flinched away, hearing the implication in his voice.

“Y-yeah” I answered.

I waited for him to say it aloud, but he never did.  Instead he smiled at me, his eyes soft with understanding.  I looked down and bit my lip, not sure whether I was supposed to feel better or worse about the whole situation.

I flinched slightly when I felt Donghae’s hand on my arm.  He pulled back, looking sheepish.

“Sorry, but I just wanted to tell you that the Commander really likes you, I can tell”

He smiled sincerely and I did my best to smile back even though I had decided that his reassurances made me feel worse.  The pain in my chest only grew sharper.

Donghae bid me farewell, telling me that it was now up to him to rally the troops in Kyuhyun’s absence.  I nodded even though I wasn’t really listening, my thoughts were too focused on Kyuhyun to make sense of anything he was saying.

Once he was gone, the room felt more restrictive and I found it a little bit harder to breathe.  I maintained my position behind the desk, scared that any movement would shift the balance and Kyuhyun would suffer because of it.  I realized that my thoughts were irrational, but still I scarcely moved.

Throughout the day, messengers sent form the base camp kept coming in and asking about Kyuhyun’s status.  Each time I told them I didn’t know and they shuffled out, a pensive look on their faces. 

Soon the sun began to set, but there still wasn’t any news about Kyuhyun’s status.  It was midnight when I finally ventured deeper into the hospital.  I told myself I was just checking on the patients, but I knew I was only looking for one patient in particular.

Finding Kyuhyun wasn’t difficult.  His room was obviously the one with all the armed guards standing outside of it.  I stopped and wondered if I should just turn back.  However, right at that moment, one of the doctors stepped out of the room.

He looked tired, but he nodded when he looked up and saw me.  I hesitated slightly before approaching him.  I bowed deeply before asking,

“How is the Commander?  I’ve sent at least ten messengers back to the base camp with no information”

The doctor nodded and sighed softly,

“Well he’s stable, but he’s lost too much blood.  Plus there’s no way he’ll be shooting any time soon with that shoulder of his.  He’ll recover, but he won’t be able to fight on the front lines”

I bit my lip in concern, wondering if we even stood a chance against Siwon.  The doctor must have noticed my distress because he smiled slightly and said reassuringly,

“He might not be able to fight, but he should still be able to plan strategy.  As long as he doesn’t over exert himself he can head back to his camp in a few weeks”

I tried to return his smile as genuinely as I could, but I didn’t really feel any better.  Kyuhyun was undeniably the army’s leading force and I worried things would fall apart in the weeks he spent recovering.  I hoped that he would recover soon… for the sake of the kingdom… right… for the kingdom…

“Actually, can I ask you a favor?”

I glanced up and nodded at the doctor.  He smiled tiredly and breathed a sigh of relief,

“Thanks, can you keep an eye on the Commander?  He’s stable, but he still needs to be under constant observation.  Can you stay with him?  At least until I can get one of the nurses in here”

I tensed slightly, and cast a nervous look over at Kyuhyun’s door.  I felt a cold pang go through my chest and I nodded slowly,

“Yes, I can take care of him”

The good doctor smiled gratefully and patted my shoulder, almost as if he could sense my discomfort.  He led me into the room, and I froze at the sight of Kyuhyun’s unconscious figure.

“Don’t worry, everything will be fine.  He will most likely sleep, but if he does happen to wake up before I can check back in, just make sure he doesn’t try to get up or anything.  Send for me and I’ll try to come as soon as I can.  There’s water in that pitcher, if he’s awake make him drink, even if he doesn’t want to”

I nodded stiffly, my eyes darting back to the bed as Kyuhyun stirred gently.

“I’m going to get some rest and then try to get my hands on some pain medication.  He’s definitely going to be hurting once he wakes up”

The doctor mumbled these words, talking to himself more than anything, but the idea of Kyuhyun in pain made me wince slightly.  I felt the guilt seep back into my chest and I couldn’t help but wonder if things could have turned out differently if I hadn’t been such a coward.

I watched the doctor walk out of the room, sending me another weary smile before softly shutting the door with a soft thump that resounded through the quiet room.

After a few moments of paralyzing anxiety, I slowly made my way to the chair beside the bed.  I sank down onto the hard wood, silently observing Kyuhyun’s still features.

His skin was pallid, physical proof of the blood he had lost in the attack.  Despite this sickly color, I couldn’t deny that there was something settling about the smooth planes of his face.  He looked so vulnerable, so fragile.  It was hard for me to equate the man in bed with Commander Cho, the kingdom’s deadliest weapon.

I studied the rise and fall of his chest, taking comfort in knowing that he lived and breathed.  The tight wrappings around his chest and shoulder reminded me that he could have been lost, gone in an instant.

The idea made my stomach churn, and I had to squeeze my eyes closed and take shallow breaths until my panic subsided.  The thought of him not existing scared me, it terrified me to no end.

I opened my eyes and looked at him again.  There were multiple scars littering his exposed skin.  Each pale pink line was another brush with death, another attempt at his life.  Yet, he still lived, he survived each wound and continued on.

Kyuhyun was strong, he was invincible.

But I had made him weak.  He had jumped into the fire, only to have me pull back out.  I had left him to burn.

I reached out, my arm trembling as I touched his hand.  Carefully, I closed my fingers around it, clutching his cold hand in mine.

“I’m sorry” I whispered so quietly I wondered if I even spoke the words aloud.

His hand remained icy, and tears blurred my vision.

Lol, I apologize for not updating so often that I'm not even going to bother anymore

Just assume I'm sorry for being a flaky author, okay?

Anyway, boring chap, but important for later stuff...

Music: "Black Pearl"- Exo