I woke with a start, my heart racing and my stomach cold with fear.  It was a nightmare, just a dream, but it still seemed so real.  I shook my head, and already the horrifying images of my dream started to fade away.  I shifted and only then did I realize the blanket that had been draped around my body.

I smiled knowing Kyuhyun was taking care of me.  I slid off the couch, wrapping the blanket tighter around my shoulders to stave off the chill.  I wondered idly why Kyuhyun hadn’t moved me to the bed, but I brushed off the idea before I had the chance to think too far into it.

I undid the fastens that held the entrance flaps together and I stuck my head out, shivering slightly as I was greeted by an icy lungful of air.  I squinted into the winter sun, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the light.

When I could finally see, I stepped out, looking for Kyuhyun.  I frowned slightly when I couldn’t find any obvious signs of him.  I made my way towards the center of the camp, assuming that Kyuhyun was meeting with one of the messengers to get a report on his army’s status.

However, after a few rounds around the camp, and still no sign of Kyuhyun, I was starting to get nervous.  I tried to push the oppressive feelings away, but they lingered, making my steps faster and my movements more desperate.

I hurried back to the tent, throwing the flaps aside as I called,

“Kyuhyun?  Kyuhyun, are you in there?”

I was met with silence and I felt my heart sink in my chest.  Suddenly the images from my nightmare came back to haunt me, and the feeling of dread in my stomach intensified.  I let out a whimper and looked around anxiously, feeling so horribly and completely helpless.

“Ryeowook-sshi?”

I spun around and let out a relieved sigh when I found Donghae standing at the entrance of the tent.  I rushed to his side and immediately questioned,

“Where’s Kyuhyun?”

Donghae bit his lip and averted his eyes evasively.  I frowned when I saw him wring the hem of his coat in a nervous manner. 

“Lieutenant Lee” I asked in a low voice, “Where’s Kyuhyun?”

When he finally looked at me, the only thing I could focus on was the apologetic look in his eyes.  I felt my heart drop because I knew very well where Kyuhyun was.  However, knowing didn’t soften the blow when Donghae confirmed my worst fears,

“He went to lead the mission to rescue the princess”

I nodded dumbly, feeling a mix of anger and fear rise in my chest.  I was pissed that Kyuhyun would risk his life for some princess that he was supposed to marry, and I was angry that he so obviously chose her over me.  But mostly, I was scared.  I knew very well that what he was doing was dangerous, and I knew that one slip would mean the end of his life.  I could handle being mad at Kyuhyun and I could handle being jealous, but I couldn’t handle the thought of Kyuhyun being injured, or even worse, dead.

I slowly sank to the ground, my heart beating rapidly as my mind whirled with terrible images of Kyuhyun lying dead, mangled and bloody.  Images that matched my nightmare.

I let out a chuckle, a dark bitter chuckle and I saw Donghae wince slightly as the sound.  Slowly, my distorted laugh quieted and I was reduced to tears.  Donghae hovered over me, obviously not knowing what to do.

“W-why am I n-not ing surprised” I whispered, as I buried my face in my hands.

I felt a warm hand on my back and Donghae replied gently,

“Because you know Kyuhyun too well.  You knew he was going to go even if you begged him not to”

I bit my cheek, but it didn’t stop the pathetic whimpers from escaping.  Donghae rubbed soothing circles on my back, not saying anything, but offering his silent comfort.

He was right.  As much as I tried to deny it, I always knew that Kyuhyun would never hide from battle.  In the back of my mind, I knew that my pleading was useless and I knew that his promise was nothing but a lie.  I knew it, but I still couldn’t help but hope.

I had no doubts that Kyuhyun cared for me, but did he love me? 

I knew I cared for and trusted Kyuhyun, but did I love him?

I honestly couldn’t answer either question and I knew Kyuhyun wouldn’t be able to either.  So where did that leave us?

It left Kyuhyun fighting for an unknown princess and me crying on the ground.

~*~*~

There was honestly nothing worse than waiting.

A constant cloud hung over my head, and my chest was always so tight that I often found it hard to breathe.  Every time I heard the sound of approaching horses, my body went rigid with fear and I waited for the news of a failed plan and Kyuhyun’s subsequent death.

Donghae was constantly by my side, watching over me with concern.  He had told me that Kyuhyun had ordered him to stay back and look after me, to protect me if need be.

I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to take comfort in that, but nonetheless I was grateful for his presence.  If I had been left alone, I would have fallen to insanity in this torturous game of not knowing.  Messengers came daily to inform Donghae of the army’s status, but there was rarely any news of Kyuhyun.

Donghae assured me that no news was good news.  Kyuhyun was a sniper.  He wasn’t meant to be seen and thus, when there was no news, it meant that he was doing his job well.  I tried to find security in his reassurance, but nothing could put me at ease.

Donghae didn’t think I knew, but I had overheard people talking about Kyuhyun’s plan.  I knew that the main troops were nothing but a mere distraction.  The special teams and the rest of the soldiers were supposed to play the role of the diversion.

I knew that the real strategy was to take advantage of Lord Siwon’s distraction and slip past his defenses to rescue the princess.

I also knew that Kyuhyun was the one sneaking in, and I knew that he was alone.

So, Donghae’s words really did little to appease me.  Kyuhyun could have been shot down, and no one would even know. 

In a sense, I hated Kyuhyun for that.  I hated whatever compelled him to make himself so vulnerable.  I don’t know if it was distrust in his men, or his pride that drove him to the solo mission, but either way, I despised him for it.

I knew Kyuhyun was strong and I knew he was a deadly force to be reckoned with, but could he alone stand against the entirety of Lord Siown’s guard?  It was doubtful at best.  Besides, despite Kyuhyun’s complete conviction in his health, I knew that he still wasn’t back to his previous state.

There were just so many factors stacked against him that it was hard for me to hold out any hope for his safe return.  I tried my best, I followed Kyuhyun’s lead and put on a mask for the world to see.  I tried to act like I wasn’t scared, like I had total faith and could never doubt the great Commander Cho.

For the most part, I was successful.  Sometimes, I was so convincing that I almost fooled myself into thinking I was okay.  Even Donghae, with his perceptive eyes, complimented me on being so strong.  I would smile, but only I knew that inside, I was slowly falling apart.

Each day of waiting was another day of relentless hell.  The anxiety increased each day, and I wondered how long I would last until my façade crashed down.

A shout broke me out of my internal misery, and my blood ran cold.

I guess I didn’t have to wonder any longer.

And look who hasn't updated in a month!  This girl!

*bricked*

im so sorry guys, but thank you for waiting for me and supporting this story.  I may make you guys wait, but i promise I will never abandon this, it's my baby.

I love you guys and I hope you had happy holidays ^^

Music: "My Turn to Cry (Korean ver.)"- EXO (this song kills my life)