Songfic...~

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My days without you
I can’t focus on anything
Never, no more

Hyorin stared at the television screen, in some sort of fixated trance. She watched intensely, seeing him appear once again. That classic, boyish smile was on his lips. Despite the sharp words being spoken, and the slightly mischievous glint in his eye, he was still so innocent to her. It was him, the maknae of Super Junior, Cho Kyuhyun. His name simply echoed in Hyorin's ears, along with his image in her mind. She couldn't remember when this obsession of hers began but Hyorin knew, it was driving herself insane.

Ever since the ending of Immortal Song 2, she thought of Kyuhyun. Hyorin found it hard to focus on anything else but the Super Junior maknae. She didn't realise that she had become so fond if Kyuhyun, and she didn't even realise she would daydream of him for half the day. Hyorin bit her lip as she gripped the cushion beside her tightly. Hyorin was sick of pretending to be happy.

Even if I regret, everything is over
I don’t even have the confidence to turn things around

A bitter smile appeared on her lips when she remembered Kyuhyun, asking her simply if she wanted to go out to eat. During the times when they would regularly see each other, when Hyorin and Kyuhyun were comfortable being around each other, they were such precious memories. What happened to those days? Hyorin, at the time, instantly realised the hidden message behind those words, the possible start of a new relationship. She remembered how her chest tightened and her heart beat unstoppably. And for some reason, she said no. Why?

Nothing was able to fill the regret Hyorin had when she saw Kyuhyun's eyes, the disappointment and hurt which flashed through. Yet still, Kyuhyun managed to give her a smile anyway, stating it was fine, then walking along his way. Hyorin remembered how her eyes glazed over his back, and how the urge to call him, the urge to hug him tightly, was as clear as day. She didn't though, the words which were at the tip of her tongue weren't able to come out. Her confidence, it faltered.

You slightly come to me and slightly shake me up again
Oh no oh no, stop holding onto my heart

After that scene, Kyuhyun still acted naturally. He still smiled at Hyorin, and still treated her like he once did. He still acted as charmingly awkward as he usually did, and still laughed like a child. Hyorin wasn't really sure why every time Kyuhyun laughed, or smiled, or did one of his innocently odd actions, she felt her heart flutter. Hyorin scolded herself though, it wasn't meant to be like that. It wasn't right.

Kyuhyun always managed to, somehow, creep into her thoughts. Out of nowhere, Hyorin would suddenly remember Kyuhyun's smiling image. And whenever that happened, Hyorin's chest would tighten. Why on Earth was that? She had already created a boundary between herself and all other male idols. An unintentional line which simply wasn't meant to be crossed. So why was it that Kyuhyun seemed to be an exception, and cause her to become so nervous on the inside?

Only looking at you and crying seems so foolish of me
Oh no oh no, this is not love

She never, back before, understood those tears which would fall for no absolute reason. Now though, Hyorin did understand, her tears did have a reason for falling. It was displaying how much she missed Kyuhyun when he wasn't with her, how much she wanted to be with him and how much she needed him. A bitter laugh escaped Hyorin's lips, if only such signs were clear before. Then, she wouldn't have been filled with regret, crying like a fool for so long.

Hyorin shook her head, since when was love so painful? Was it even love that she was experiencing? Before the acknowledgement, Hyorin would constantly deny any chance of her loving Kyuhyun. It wasn't love, it couldn't have been, it never was going to be love. Perhaps the relationship Kyuhyun shared before with Hyorin was closer than normal friendship was, but a little farer than love. No, Hyorin would think to herself back then, this is not love.

Love – I pretend that I’m fine, that I don’t love you even though I do
I can’t express it, crying, crying

Hyorin soon remembered the day when he realised she loved Kyuhyun. She watched him smile childishly as he won another performance at Immortal Song 2. His eyes were shining so brightly, so beautifully. It was probably then, somehow, she realised her love. Of course, Hyorin wasn't able to express it and pretended not to love Kyuhyun at all. After all, ignorance is bliss.

Perhaps the only way Hyorin was able to express her love to Kyuhyun was through tears which he was never going to see. Normally, Hyorin was an honest person, but when it came to love and Kyuhyun, she wasn't sure what to do and found herself lying to him every now and again. She pretended that she was fine, even though she wasn't.

Love – I try to turn things around but you’re already gone
I’m endlessly crying, crying

A faint memory was brought up in Hyorin's head. She remembered offering Kyuhyun a meal, saying she'd treat him after his win. Kyuhyun stared for a second, smiling ever so prettily, and rejecting her offer. He stated that someone else had already invited him. Hyorin felt her chest tighten with the rejection, and she didn't know why. Was it because he mentioned that he was going out to eat with someone else? Was it because she felt that he had rejected her? Or was it simple guilt after realising she did the same thing to Kyuhyun?

Again, Kyuhyun smiled at Hyorin, and left. She felt nostalgia at that moment, watching Kyuhyun's back just like the time she had said 'no' to his offer. Hyorin continued to watch the television screen, he was doing so well on 'Mamma Mia'. A slight smile came onto her lips when Kyuhyun spoke of Sistar being a group he liked, Hyorin smiled. She enjoyed that fact that Kyuhyun acknowledged the group.

I open my eyes and after coming to my senses, you’re not here
I rub my eyes and look around but you’re not here
I close my eyes again and open them but you’re still not here

After leaving Immortal Song 2, Hyorin honestly did feel a little lonely. Perhaps she became used to seeing Kyuhyun on a regular basis, laughing at his odd yet adorable personality. Sometimes Hyorin wondered, like magic, if she opened and closed her eyes, was it possible for Kyuhyun to appear? Hyorin laughed bitterly once again, as she had done it before. And it never worked.

Hyorin wasn't sure how to act when it came to Kyuhyun, and she wasn't sure why she was hoping for him to appear. Hyorin had so many confusing feelings when it came to Kyuhyun. She would want to see him, then she would want to make him disappear. She would want to make more memories, and then she would want to forget every last one of them. She would want to love him, and all of a sudden she hated him all the same. Well, love and hate didn't have much difference.

I thought I’d be fine without someone like you but
I keep looking back at the memories of our give and take
Tears and memories spill out as if I’m vomiting

Although Hyorin never realised it at the time, she always had a clear attraction towards Kyuhyun. She, only after not being able to see Kyuhyun anymore, was able to remember how they acted together. They would often tease each other, playful touches often being delivered and light tones of mockery said. Nothing was sweeter to Hyorin than those times. As Hyorin remembered, tears kept flowing down.

Hyorin never thought that Kyuhyun was going to take up so much of her heart, she thought she was going to be fine without him. He was just one person. And yet, Hyorin found her thoughts all for him. If only Kyuhyun knew, but he was never going to. Nobody was going to. Hyorin had an image to keep up.

Everything is over
I’ll stop for you & me

She felt as if she were becoming obsessive. It was better to forget him, not to trouble Kyuhyun with her late emotions. Hyorin knew that Kyuhyun's affections for her, back when they were at 'Immortal Song 2' together, had probably already faded. It had been so long. She didn't move, eyes still fixed to the television screen.

Everything was over. Hyorin should have known that they had somehow become strangers through the process of not seeing each other for some long, Kyuhyun had never even called her after being on 'Radio Star' where she gave him her number. It was clear how distant they had become over time, and how they're relationship was now non-existent. Stopping was going to be better for both Kyuhyun and Hyorin, but she wasn't sure whether or not she was able to. It had been so long.

You slightly come to me and slightly shake me up again
Oh no oh no, stop holding onto my heart

Hyorin remembered when she bumped into Kyuhyun at that time, backstage of some music show. She wasn't actually sure about which one though, her mind was too tense to remember. Kyuhyun and Hyorin were somewhat surprised to see each other, and they didn't speak for a couple seconds. Kyuhyun though, after realising, gave Hyorin a smile and a greeting, the same warm voice he used with her before. Hyorin wondered to herself if Kyuhyun had forgotten about her, but had no confidence to ask.

She smiled back painfully, forcing it onto her face. Hyorin wasn't sure why his smile hurt her so, but it probably had to do with the fact that his smile wasn't just hers. Although such a thought was selfish, it was true. Hyorin greeted Kyuhyun back, warmly, just like they did before. Some sort of acknowledgement was passed of each other's presence, but they soon left each other after a short discussion after feeling someone's suspicious stare. They bid farewell.

Only looking at you and crying seems so foolish of me
Oh no oh no, this is not love

She remembered as she closed her eyes. That night, Hyorin cried again. Or, more like she cried even more than she did before. Hyorin felt like a total idiot, a fool in fact. Why? There were so many reasons for the way Hyorin was feeling that she didn't want to even think of anything. She wanted to just forget about everything going on around her.

Hyorin remembered the way she gave herself a lecture, trying to reason with her inner mind to calm herself down. Though, telling herself the emotions Hyorin had for Kyuhyun wasn't love was a little hard to believe. To deny such true feelings was completely idiotic, and Hyorin knew that all too well. If only she had never gained such emotions in the first place.

Love – I pretend that I’m fine, that I don’t love you even though I do
I can’t express it, crying, crying

It hurt so much, there was no way to express such pain through anything but tears. Words weren't able to explain how terrible, how regretful, and how hurt Hyorin was on the inside. No physial injury of any sort was going to be more painful than her emotions. Everyone thought Hyorin was fine nobody noticed. What Hyorin was holding inside her didn't show any signs on the outside.

Hyorin learned to smile through pain, and smile every time Kyuhyun was mentioned even though she honestly wanted to cry. She had so much longing for Kyuhyun, but Hyorin was never going to say it out loud. She didn't want anyone to know, not even the members of Sistar themselves. This was one of Hyorin's most precious secrets.

No, I’m not the me that I used to know
I know this is just a phase
But each time I breathe, I hate you

A type of resentment had grown inside Hyorin, directed towards Kyuhyun. Because of him, the person who captured Hyorin's heart, she wasn't like how she used to be. Hyorin herself didn't even know who she was, and she wasn't able to identify herself anymore. Hyorin knew that what she was going through was a phase, it had to be. For still, she wasn't able to do anything but hate Kyuhyun for changing her. Although, someone explained to Hyorin long ago, love and hate were the same with only a couple differences.

Hyorin wondered to herself if Kyuhyun hated her as well, but gave a crumbling smile afterwards. Kyuhyun didn't love her, nor did he hate her. There was probably total indifference for the way Kyuhyun felt about Hyorin. She was nothing more than a 'used-to-be' friend and an 'almost' lover. The past was the past.

I can’t sleep all night and I try to comfort myself, saying it’s alright
But I can’t help it, I can’t turn things back, I only have regrets that are too late
So don’t cry

Her body always felt numb when sleeping, and Hyorin's head always hurt because of how much she was thinking. Ever since then, Hyorin began to suffer insomnia, and she wasn't able to go to sleep. Hyorin would often try to comfort herself, but it never seemed to work. She wondered every so often, if Kyuhyun was the one who said it to her, what would the effect have been?

She knew that it was pointless. Hyorin knew that no matter what, nothing was able to be done. Or, well, perhaps she could have turned it around, but Hyorin didn't have enough confidence to do it. The only thing she was able to do was lie down quietly in bed, regretting everything she had done before and wishing for times to change. Hyorin knew that it wasn't going to, but she couldn't help it. Thoughts gave Hyorin the hope to keep herself from feeling even more depressed.

Love – you were different, you changed me
Now I think I know everything

Hyorin remembered the loves she had experienced in the past, and realised that out of all of them, Kyuhyun was the most unique. Our of all of them, Kyuhyun was different. The Super Junior maknae had an odd charm about him which was different from most other men. It would take forever for Hyorin to explain it, and it would take even longer for Hyorin to say what was different about Kyuhyun compared to others. But one thing that never left Hyorin's mind was how Kyuhyun, using the magic that only he had, changed her.

She was certain now, she had experienced it all. Hyorin felt as if she was now 10 times wiser than she once was, and wished that she knew everything she knew now before. It would have saved her a lot of time, Hyorin realised everything. At least, she thought she did.

No matter how much I push and shove you away
You are my everything that can’t leave me

Desperately she tried to forget him. Hyorin pushed out every single memory of Kyuhyun, didn't watch any show he was on, and even made sure not to bump into him by chance. She thought that by doing this, slowly through the process of not seeing him, she'd forget. Sadly though, Hyorin only thought of him more. Thoughts wondering how he was, what he was doing, and if he was happy would constantly cross her mind.

Hyorin sighed, curling up in a ball as she switched the television off. Kyuhyun had simply taken over her world. She wouldn't leave thoughts of him alone, or more like she couldn't, and he wouldn't leave her heart. Kyuhyun had somehow become Hyorin's everything as she was going insane because of his existence. Hyorin wanted to forget, she wanted to let go, but she simply couldn't.

I wanna go back
I couldn’t love anyone but you

Hyorin realised it too late, how much Kyuhyun meant to her. She wanted to go back to the days before the heart ache, to when everything was still so innocent and kind. Perhaps to the time when Kyuhyun asked her out of eat, and this time, Hyorin would have said 'yes' with a smile on her face. Then, perhaps they're relationship would have been difference.

Love was painful.