Seunghyun was out of control. He would call me in the middle of work, and asked to meet him at his house. He was after one thing: my body. I would refuse at first, but he threatened to tell Jiyong about us. I couldn’t let that happened.

“Come to my house during your lunch hour today.” He called. It was the umpteenth time he asked for me, and we were about six months into our affair.

Affair.

That word disgusted me.

Seunghyun disgusted me.

“I can’t, Seunghyun. Not today.” I was way too tired of work, and he would just be another addition to my stress.

“Well, I will be meeting Jiyong after work and I ran out of topic to talk. Hmm, I wonder if I have anything sensational to tell him.”

“... I’ll try to squeeze my time for you. But I have no time for your scrapbook.”

Seunghyun loved to document our meetings, particularly, he loved to document me. He had a scrapbook full of my pictures from our first few hangouts, up to the time we were together – as he put it – which he originally kept hidden under his mattress. Now he always brought the scrapbook out and he would go through every picture with me, one by one.

“This was the time we went to the club, and this was the time when you cooked for me, ...”

I cooked for Jiyong actually, and Jiyong had him tagging along.

I was dying slowly because of Seunghyun. My love for Jiyong never wavered, but how could you love someone if you kept stabbing him at the back while he kept showering you with affection? That was not love, that was pure greed.

Jiyong was a perfect boyfriend, and I had come to the point when I felt like I had to let him go. I couldn’t hurt him anymore. This secret of mine would eventually surface by itself, Seunghyun scared the hell out of me, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I might gone crazy, so this all had to stop. Seunghyun had to stop.

“Seunghyun, I want to stop all this. This, this affair of us has to stop. I love Jiyong with all my heart, I couldn’t bear to betray him anymore.” I told him that afternoon. We were at his kitchen, he was making snacks after he got his quickie.

“You know that I will only end this only if Jiyong finds out about it.” His eyes stayed at the chopping block, he was cutting some tomatoes for the salad.

“I’ll come clean to Jiyong. I am ready to face any consequences, even if I have to lose him, as long as I could stop hurting him like this.”

“What about me, then?”

Seunghyun was facing me, his knife was still in his hand, and he looked intimidating. With his state of emotion, I knew I had to do this cautiously, or he might go crazy.

“Are you happy, Seunghyun? Having me doing this for you? Do you think I am happy?” I tried to inject some sense into him.

“I’m happy, Hani. I love you, why wouldn’t I be?”

“But I’m not, Seunghyun. I am suffering inside because of you. Can’t you see that?”

“Then can’t you see that I’ll go mad without you, Hani? I have to have you by my side. I can’t live without you.” He was kneeling in front of me, grabbing my hands tightly in his. But I knew I should stand firm on my decision, or I would be in this hell forever.

“I’m sorry Seunghyun.” I let him go, but he stood up and reached for the knife.

“I’ll end my life then. I don’t have my reason to keep living anymore.” He held the knife on his throat, and he was serious. The knife scored his skin a little and drips of blood were starting to come out from the cut.

“Oh my god, Seunghyun! Put the knife down!” I reached out for him, but he was fast pulling me into his arms. He was crying, holding me for his dear life.

“Don’t go. Please don’t leave me.”

“Alright, Seunghyun. I’ll stay.” For now.